Need a hug from someone today - weekends are usually the worst when I get this low and find everything is too much to deal with.Guess it’s 'cause I’m trying to be 'normal cheerful ’ mum whilst inside I’m churning with fear of recurrence and hopelessly trying to figure out how I get my life back, with BC forever on my shoulder. Struggle through each day for son’s sake - OH doesn’t deal with any stressful situation well. Hasn’t seen scars and is content to sleep in separate rooms since my op. Have tried to discuss how I feel about this but nothing changes. I.ve always been the ‘strong one’ I don’t feel it now and really need someone to be strong for me so I can be there for my son .After my mastectomy life just went on as normal for everyone as if it’s all over - yes thats what I want for my teenager - but friends and family??? Feel so alone . Sorry for going on - are these feelings normal ?
Dear serendipity
I am sorry you are feeling so low and just wanted to say that the way you are feeling is perfectly normal and many people contact us at BCC to say they feel like this following the end of treatments when they are trying to pick their lives back up. I am sure your fellow users will be along soon with lots of hugs and advice for you and please don’t forget about our helpline which you are always welcome to call if want to talk things over with someone or have a ‘listening ear’ so that you can offload. The line opens Mon-Fri at 9am-5pm and Saturdays 9am-2pm.
The helpliners can also talk to you about our 'Peer support ’ service which you may be interested in, you can be put in touch with someone, by telephone, of a similar age and diagnosis for one to one support. If this is something you think you would like to find out more about see under the ‘Support for you’ tab at the top of this page for more details.
Best wishes
Lucy
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care
Serendipity
Join the club, a year after treatment has ended. You are definitely NOT alone and please don’t ever think that you are.
It may not help but check the Cancer Counselling Trust (CCT) website and download and read After Treatment Has Finished - have your partner/husband read it too, it us very insightful and I feel I could have written it myself.
I don’t know where you live but if in London you could contact the CCT, or as the Moderator has suggested, speak to someone at BCC, of a similar age, who has gone through all this and can empathise and understand how you are feeling.
Ladies on here will tell you it gets better, it is just that some of us have to wait a bit longer than others to feel any improvement mentally. There are good “leaflets” on the CancerBackup site too about living with cancer and the Emotional Effects of Cancer which may help you both.
I have recently read Musa Meyer’s After Breast Cancer which explained a few things about ongoing monitoring and I found that helpful, ignore the title of course because I don’t believe in an “after” - we live with it.
Another resource you may be able to tap into is The Breast Cancer Haven - I think they are only in London and Hereford so far but Google them. They also provide a telephone councelling service but to be honest BCC are better at this. The Haven provides other therapies though and also relaxation/meditation sessions which might be of interest and first sessions are free; you can have about 10 different therapies so do look at their site.
Other than that keep “talking” on here and you will find that lots of people respond encouragingly and will give you the benefit of their own experience - every one is different, there are no set rules on how to feel at any time with BC, you can’t change your feelings any more than I can change mine. We all need distractions to “train” our minds to think of other things sometimes. I find work to be VERY unimportant but it’s something that pays the bills and it does begin to draw you away from focus on what you’ve been through/are still going through. Exercise has helped me too although in this weather it has dropped off a bit.
It’s not easy is it? I hope you feel a bit brighter soon and do think of picking up the 'phone to BCC - they are very good listeners.
Thinking of you …
D
Hi Seren, you really are just feeling what i think we all feel, i’m hoping that in time i will regain some control over my life and thoughts, think you need to get the oh to open up about how he feels, you need his support and he needs yours, do ring the helpline on here, they are very very good, and you sound like you need all the support you can get, and your not superwoman, none of us our
take care
Alisonxxxx
Hi Serendipity
Can’t really add much but sending you a great big hug because I really need one today too.
Carly x
Yes, a hug here too please. What is it about weekends?! I’m feeling really unwell from last lot of chemo but more than that it’s the emotional aspects that are getting to me. I just want to cry the whole time, but am trying to be ‘normal’ for the family, and relax and ‘enjoy’ it being saturday.
Big hugs go out to you all, especially Serendipity. Thanks for your useful info too, Dahlia.
Thanks for the support everyone
love Jacquie x
I am soooo with you on this. Some men can be real insensitive bastards. Sorry if that offends anyone but I am a bit tipsy and feel like speaking openly and hope I will be allowed that on here as I am gagged at home.
I have tried really hard recently to make myself more attractive to OH. Losing weight, wearing new cloths. Not that I want sex. My libido is nil due to hormone treatment and low self esteem. But he seems happy to sleep. It’s so sad. I need a hug and so do you. Sex I can take or leave, but the close physical contact is gone and I need it more than ever.
I too am the strong one in our relationship but I am tired. Tired physically and emotionally. Don’t want to be the strong one any more. Want to be cosetted and loved, cared for and provided for, cherished. Is this all pie in the sky? Is it what happens in the movies?
I know I have gone on a bit about me, but it’s good to know you are not alone, and your OH is not the only one to behave like this.
I have nearly left mine a few times this year. Not completely sure why I am still here, prob down to money!
Take care
Love Irene X
thanks everyone for being there and to Dahlia for the info. Your hugs will help me face today with not such a sense of ‘aloneness’.
Ladies,
I really don’t know how to help you but wanted you to know that my best wishes, and lots of hugs, are winging their way to all of you - it must be dreadful having to face this thing without support and comfort from a partner and other family members.
(((((((((((((((( to you all )))))))))))))))))
Love Maddy xxxx
Hi Serendipity,
Sorry your so low, I’m thinking of you and sending a big hug to you and all the other ladies.
I’m due to finish rads soon and hopefully that will be the end of it treatment wise but like you I will always have the fear of recurrence.
I too am the strong one in our relationship and have felt the need to protect everyone by smiling and getting on with things. I know my oh is not a mind reader but I wish he would take over some times. Nothing much changes unless I have a tearful moment which I have tried not to do in front of people. Perhaps sometimes us strong ones are our own worse enemies. I hope you manage to get things sorted out.
Love Caz x
Hi Caz and Madie,
Have been out walking my lovely dogs - they have been my salvation thro’ some very difficult times - trying to raise my mood.
I thought I was dealing with it all so well at the time and getting on with normal stuff after surgery etc. and now all my feelings are so confused.
Hearing from such caring folk who are also living through is such a lifeline.
Hi Everyone,
It’s good to know that this forum is somewhere we can be honest, but I think we all need to be less strong for other people and let them know what we need, in terms of emotional and physical support. I know if I am having a bad day and don’t talk about it, I just become really grumpy and unpleasant, which makes me feel worse. The other thing I find really helpful is seeing a counsellor once a month or so, -I don’t have to worry about upsetting her, and can be completely honest.
Anyway, I just want to send a hug to everybody,
Indiaxx
Hi Serendipity
Just browsing the forums when I come across your thread. I have to say as I am typing its hard to see through my tears, Ive just finished rads 9 days ago after masectomy in may, then chemo. radiotherapy tamoxifen and herceptin starting 11th Dec.
I have done all this (being the tough one like yourself) with a husband who works away(which he prefers as its easier to cope with) going on a Monday and returing on a Friday and teenagers 16 & 17 at home.( who it is has to be said do nothing to help or ease feelings, and forever arguing with)
I have been strong all the way through it but im sore today of rads blisters and I feel that I am becomming unstuck blubbering like a baby.
I am 48 with 2 older children aged 30 & 27. I so feel like the child needing a hug too.I hope ypu are feeling better than you did 6 days ago. A hug for you from Heather XX
I am miles and miles away from you Heather, but I would just love to wrap my arms around you and give you that enormous hug that you so much need and deserve. I hope that you will be with someone you feel safe with today and can say “it would really help me if you could just give me a hug”, but just for now I hope that this long distance one will help a tiny bit. As women, and mothers, we spend so much of our time coping, and being strong, sometimes a really good cry is just exactly what you need. You are not coming unstuck, just going through a ghastly time when you are need all the love and support of anyone who can offer it to you - and you will find there are lots of people there for you, just tell them what you need. Good luck. Sarah xx
Hi. Dudley
Want to give you the biggest of hugs cause I do so empathise with what you are going through. Having OH who is not there to help during week whilst you are going through treatment must be horrendous when you are trying to cope with youngsters too. My OH works till late everyday - habit of a lifetime- and never talks about ‘feelings’ as far as he is concerned life has just gone on as normal. Maybe I feel so wretched at the moment cause I feel so alone in coping with the cancer business whilst trying not to let my mood and physical problems affect my wonderful son’s daily life and schooling - he is a great kid who doesn’t deserve all that he has had to go thro’. It’s obvious that you are a great mum trying to get thro’ it too for your kid’s. You are in my thought’s
love and hugs
Seren xxxxx
You are definately not the only one seren as the above posts show.
Since Dx i long to be held and cuddled and hugged. I often think the fear of this disease and whether it will spread etc makes us like children feeling helpless and out of control. Hence our need to be hugged re-assured and just appreciated as special.
I get no hugs and have had a horrendous time as OH and i were splitting up 2 months before my Dx. We now get on well as friends but although i have begged cried and asked for hugs etc they dont come.
I have tried to develop a ‘hard’ exterior as thats the only way i cope with this cancer and everything else but i dont do ‘hard’ very well and often feel nothing more than a needy wreck.
Men are men, I have had nicer hugs off women we just seem to understand each other more.
Sending all of you a cyber hug.
Rx
Hi Ladies. Liverbird, how true your first comment about the fear making us feel helpless and out of control. I posted here 7 days ago about being the strong one, well this weekend that fell apart and my husband has come through with flying colours. He has taken everything I’ve thrown at him this weekend (not literally) and still hugged me and made me feel better. Although I apologized to him and the children I was surprised that they felt I had been coping a bit to well and seemed relieved that I was finally having a good old cry and letting them in.
Dudley I’m suffering rads soreness too so sending you a gentle hug.
Caz x
It’s Monday OH back to Cumbria till Friday had check up to start Herceptin next Tues, last hurdle. Can I just say to you all Seabird,Cazbeds, Serendipity & Liverbird I got a lovely suprise when i signed today thank you all so much for your response, it cheered me up no end. My weekend was fine OH attentive but did’nt know what to do with my crying fit its so hard to give a reason,
I went to see A Christmas Carol with 2 of my children oldest daughter,(30) youngest son or should I say man( he’s 18) on Thurs 6th and also my sister and 2 nieces where eldest niece announced she was 22wks pregnant after 2 miscarriages I was so happy for her and my sister, but I felt so jealous its almost like your scared to look forward to the future.
Like I said that was Sat its Monday and I feeling fine at the moment,
Cyper hugs and much more to you all.
Heather XXX
Lovely to hear about your great weekend Dudley its times like those that make you feel alive again.
Could do with some comfort to lift me at the moment - have just said goodbye to my teenager as he flies off to Germany for the week with school. Have been fighting back despair for days and coming home to a dark empty house has made me feel like crumbling - in all this cancer thing I have ‘coped’ by getting on with things for my son and his presence has always lifted me and reminded me why I must look to a brighter future. Am used to him going abroad etc. but somehow today I feel so bereft of meaning and the thought of the days stretching ahead with my OH late home and a hosp, visit on Wed. which I will have to do on my own too- it just seems too much. Sorry folks - guess I need someone to share things with.
we’re all here for you Seren, its crap all of this, sometimes i just feel like crumbling but i too look at my husband and kids and think, well, i have to be here for them and i want to be here for them, but just sometimes i like to be on my own too, i am so intolerant of things nowadays, my family find it hard to understand at times.
lots of love
Alisonxxxxx