New member, going through all the scary stuff!

Hi everybody. I’ve been reading posts on this forum for the past two weeks, and have found your posts very informative and honest .I can see the huge amount of support that you have for each other is a great help and inspiration, and a comfort too. I hope you don’t mind me popping in, and am hoping to draw strength from the courageousness that you all show, and to follow in the footsteps that you have all taken before me, with hope.

I was recalled after a routine mammogram …I got the letter that every woman dreads. All very carefully worded, but as you will all understand, the fact that you have been called to attend a hospital Breast Clinic is enough to convince you that it must be bad news…Me, I went into meltdown, wondering how I would get through the wait for the appointment, and at the same time, trying to get on with life, work etc. I spent those days panicking, feeling sick, drawing up my bucket list, and listing songs I wanted at my funeral!! I spent way too much time on the Internet, scouring every page that covered Breast Cancer, and frightening myself silly! All in all, the word ‘cancer’ has been in my nightmares, and has infringed on my waking thoughts to such an extent, that my brain must now resemble a distorted Salvador Dali painting!!!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, and to spare you all my diva type, dying swan, not sleeping, eating or functioning as a ‘normal’ , busy, middle aged woman, dramatics…I attended the hospital on 5th September, and underwent ‘triple testing’,. Mammogram, ultrasound, and core biopsy …I saw on the screen, the image of a mass…It looked huge, but of course the radiographer explained that it was magnified…I laughed and joked all the time with the nurse, and doctor, they were laughing too…Ok. then I thought, you don’t have a party going on when there 's cancer involved. I asked them if ‘Clive’ (that’s what I ve called the nasty little mass that was grinning back at me on the screen) was Malignant,. The radiographer said that yes, in her opinion, it was looking as if it was. They said they’d bring my husband in…Everything went very serious then, they us put in that quiet room with the little three piece suite, flowers and tissues, and left us alone for a while.
They brought me tea and cake, and looked very solem explaining to my husband what they had found, and the fact that it looks highly likely that I have breast cancer…There was talk of lumpectomy, radiotherapy and , tamoxifen,. all I heard was ‘you have breast cancer’… Anyway at that moment, I feel like I became a different person, one that was ill, one that to explain to her family, workmates, friends that I had the dreaded disease…I felt guilty at all the love and support, because I didn’t feel ill. …
.I go back on Monday for the bipsy results, hoping that they’ve made a big mistake, and ‘Clive’ is just a carbuncle, and not cancer! at the moment, my emotions are everywhere, I cry, I mope, I’m scared of the future, or even if I have one…I feel so tired too, lack of sleep, and the stress I suppose, I feel ashamed to admit that I seem to have become a coward … Hoping to make friends here with the brave women here who understand that I’ve not really lost the plot, but am doing battle with Clive. love and healing vibes to all that are fighting, and to those who have conquered. Xxxxx

Hi Britbox,

A warm welcome to the forum.  I am glad you have found it helpful and that you will continue to find some support here. 

You might also find it helpful to give our helpline a call for information and support.  They are open tomorrow from 10-2 and on weekdays from 9-5.  The number is 0808 800 6000

Very best wishes

Janet

BCC Moderator

WOW!!! Reading your story I could be reading my experience. I had two biopsies yesterday. One in my lymph node the other close to my nipple. The Dr said he wasn’t too concerned about the underarm one just being over cautious but the lump in my breast indicted breast cancer. I too am awaiting the results. The consultant and breast cancer nurse I didn’t a lot of time existing my options once my results are through. The nurse told me she’ll ring me the results no later that Tuesday she hopes. I had all the years yesterday, didn’t sleep again last night. Today I’ve tried to carry on as normal, going and praying they’ve made a mistake!

On Thursday the consultant told me the mammogram and scan both indicted breast cancer. He said the biopsies are just confirmation of the type etc. I’ve never even looked or tried to get my head around all of the types, numbers etc. I had my best sleep last night, a whole four hours. Took my dressings off this morning and will have a nice shower. One weird thing is I’ve got pins & needles in my right arm& hand (oppositec side to my lump) they won’t go away. Not sure what to think of that. Maybe Janet will know. By the way I don’t go in for my results Good luck for Monday, keep us informed xxx

I love you called your lump Clive LOL! Boob isn’t too bad just a ruddy big hole in it, it looks like another inverted nipple hahaha! Under my arm is black though. We’ve just been to the local town, we went for coffee and I said to Steve, I can’t believe I’m so calm, I was a blubbering wreck on Thursday. The breast cancer nurse said she’d keep an eye out for my results and hopefully ring me Mon night or Tues with the results. She’s hoping I’ll be back in clinic on Thur to go through what it is, how big, advanced etc and my options. Don’t forget to tell me as soon as you here on Mon. Where abouts do you live? xxxxxx

Thank you so much poems galore for the links. I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about at the minute, grades etc etc. I’m sure I’ll find out next week though. I only googled breast cancer and got this site. I’m to scared to trawl the Internet. I did that when I had my brain haemorrhage and I found a great support group then too. The support on here will be just as good, and I know you’ll always be here when I need you!