New relationship

Living with secondary breast cancer Supporting each other and sharing experiences
1

Hi Ladies

I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer last year. I have just started seeing somebody. We are both 58. He was widowed 15 years ago, his wife died of breast cancer age 37. My concern is at what point should I tell him my diagnosis. We have been out for walks and coffee twice so far. I really like him and just don’t know what to say or when. So far I have said that I broke my back last year due to a bone disease. 

I would really appreciate advice from anybody who has experience of this…

2

Hi Kimn34,

I’m sure someone will post soon who has direct experience of this.

Just some thoughts in the meanwhile…while hastening to say it’s a very personal matter and depends upon the characters/personalities involved and nature of the emerging relationship…so feel free to ignore any or all of the below!

It’s nice that you’ve met someone you really like. Given that you have only met him twice so far its still very early days re getting to know one another and seeing how things go. Enjoy it! 

If you feel it’s too soon to say anything I think that’s perfectly understandable and reasonable.

If he genuinely is a nice guy and worth his salt, he should be open to your situation (albeit understanding this is likely to bring back difficult memories to him and associated thoughts/emotions re bc/his wife’s bc).

While I think it’s fair to say to him you were unwell last year, I would be mindful to avoid getting into what could later potentially be perceived (or misinterpreted) as cover-up stories, if for example any deeper conversations arise to do with your back/bone condition last year. Also reasonable to say something like, ‘that’s another story, for another time’, if you don’t feel ready to share and can’t otherwise reply to a point that comes up in conversation!   

When you feel it’s right to let him know, be quite honest that you weren’t sure when to mention it. Be prepared for him to reflect on when his wife had breast cancer. He may not be aware that treatments have moved on a lot in the past 15 plus years, so worth mentioning that too if/when it feels right. 

It’s a very personal decision. Plus depends on what each of you may be looking for from a potential relationship (and it may be too soon to say)!?  

So do what feels right to you, at what feels like right time/opportunity.   

Sorry if the above sounds garbled - I was half wondering whether to delete this rather than post, since I’m not sure it’s terribly helpful! I got together with a widower who lost his wife when she was very young (sudden unexpected health issue), however I developed bc after we’d been together a few years (think he then started wondering if it was the effect he had on women)! 

I hope it continues to go well.

xxx Seabreeze     

3

Hi there

I started a new relationship between my primary and secondary diagnosis in 2017.

I told him that I had “had” BC in 2012/13 on our first date. I felt it mattered to me that I was straight with him from the outset. Some of that came out of the fact that I had ongoing monthly implants so wellness and “treatment” was a priority.

If you want to keep seeing this man as a friend or partner my instinct is that it’s better to honest sooner rather than later. Its obviously a huge thing to explain to anyone but to someone who has already lost his wife. It may be too much. I think it’s early days and it’s only reasonable to hold your diagnosis short term. In all good consciance though, wondering if you should tell him suggests that you are not comfortable building a relationship on partial honesty.

You can never predict how someone might react. He may think he’s supported someone before so he can do it again. If he can’t handle being in a relationship with someone who is living with Secondary Cancer its better to know. If your feelings develop too far without him knowing, he may feel he can’t trust you when you have to tell him or a situation brings the truth to light. 

My partner and I have had 4 happy years, 3 of which are post secondary diagnosis. I also have a network of friends who support me and he knows my coping mechanisms involve them and him. He’s the most consistently present person through the roller coaster. We don’t live together but we live life together. I think that I would have wanted more if I had my health, marriage probably. I am sad that Cancer is stealing the vision of us enjoying a long retirement together. We are both glad we have now. He says at our age he could be walking about thinking all well and anything could be wrong on the inside. There is rarely a day that he doesn’t make me laugh and I feel very lucky to have such love in my 50s.

I hope you find a way to open up to him and that he appreciates we only have what’s here and now