Hi all, before I ramble on, I just want to say how marvellous you all are. Before joining the site I read loads and loads of posts because I was all over the place & scared and Im still not sure where this is going but reading stories on here made me realise how lucky I am.
My journey with this episode of my life started around may/june 2012 when I thought I had mastitis. I didn’t want to go to GP as I had been attending her frequently for quite a few years after the birth of my wee boy; I had a traumatic birth (near death experience) which resulted in post natal depression, losing my job because I had a dislocated pelvis and back problems then without going into all the horrible details during that time my Mum took ill and passed away and on top of that my father and I never spoke again, hence the depression got worse to the extent that I didn’t want to be here, the one thing that kept me here was my son… thank God! Despite my GP being supportive and amazing I felt silly going with what I thought was mastitis and another trivial thing but it didn’t go away. I mentioned it to a friend who showed me the Elaine C Smith leaflet and asked me to show her my breast to see if it looked like any of the pictures, we weren’t sure but in october my GP referred me to the hospital. My appt came in for jan and they said nothing to worry about, it was eczema, told to use cream for 6 wks and go back. Went back 6 wks later on the day of my birthday, and as there was no change given a biopsy which scared me as it was still nothing to worry about? But 2 wks later I was diagnosed with Pagets disease and told id have to have my nipple removed, at the time I asked for the whole breast to be taken away but was told no need, I said it again and said I don’t want to go through this again in six months time but was assured there was no need. Went through surgery last wk of may and was again assured all ok. Then the bombshell pathology report showed it was worse than they thought and more surgery needed! To say I was devastated was an understatement. …In fact I think I raised my voice to the consultant as I reminded them I’d said to take it all away first time. Anyway I was then told I’d need a node biopsy first followed by a mastectomy with reconstruction at same time, but a couple of days after getting home I received a call to say I wasn’t able to get reconstruction because I am too fat…great more guilt, all I needed at that time. During the depression I comfort ate and actually it increased whilst going through all this, as much as I wanted to eat healthily I couldn’t maintain it, I so wish I was someone who didn’t eat when anxious but I’m not…my stomach goes into knots and eating helps calm it but adds to the guilt and depresses me again… big vicious circle again.
I underwent my mastectomy third july and now awaiting the pathology results then will know my treatment going forward. I’m at home alone and find nights the worst my man and son have to stay at grandparents as he’s not paid when off work and works far away from home and I’m not able to look after the wee man on my own just yet. I had managed to come off all the antidepressants in December and started a new job wk before Christmas and thought new year, new start… initially I started to crumble when this all started but then thought I’ve been to hell and back in the last five years why should I give up now, it may be God saying you have one last fight and you will come through stronger for it. I’m not religious but have found a release by saying the lords prayer (the only one I remember from school) and in speaking to my mum; she’s not here but it makes me feel better and if it works so what. … I realise I’ve went on a bit and tried to cover all the thoughts that are going through my head so if you have taken the time to read this thank you. I now have a sore finger lol as I’m using my mobile phone and its taken ages 
I will continue to read your posts and be grateful that I have caught this horrible disease early and mention you in my prayer tonight because as a newbie just recently diagnosed I don’t feel so alone now. Xxx
Hi Nellykelly and welcome to the BCC forums
I am sure your fellow users will be along with support and shared experiences for you very soon, please also use our helpliners for support, they are on hand with emotional and practical support to help you
Lines are open 9-5 weekdays and 10-2 Saturdays on 0808 800 6000
take care
Lucy
dear Nelly Kelly, I cannot imagine how hard life is for you at the moment. you have been through so much already. There must be some real inner strength inside you though to come this far. you are right, this site will offer you much support during this time. yoU are also finding a higher strength, which will always help.
I am in a slightly similar position to you, in that I need more surgery, a mastectomy in fact. it is so much to take in, isn’t it ? I have found that the only way to cope is to take one step at a time and each stage on its own, without thinking too far ahead. You have to focus on you and recovering well. The things that have made me feel better are, eating lots of fruit, watching trash TV, nail varnish ( which I never normally use), fresh air and making lists !
I wish you all the best, it’s still early days since your op, so take it really easy, look after yourself.
best wishes
Zuleika
Thanks Lucy. … I have found the site very helpful x
Zuleika, thank you for responding to my post. Its a week since my mastectomy and as you say one stage at a time. Im waiting on the pathology results and my next appt coming in. I thought it was time to cut down on painkillers on Monday night, bad move, I started to get sore lunchtime yesterday then my wound started to swell up and I felt queasy during the night. I got an emergency appt with the district nurse this morning. Thankfully it’s not an infection it’s fluid building up so I’ve to lie down to try and get it to move away. Needless to say I’m now taking plenty pills to try and settle enough to get a good nights sleep.
Have you got your date yet for your mastectomy? Waiting is hard eh? I hope you are ok and wish you well x