newly diagnosed and utterly terrified

Hi all

Well I’m in a terrible state. Was diagnosed with IDC on 8/9/09. I had mammogram for a lump in June 2008 which was a cyst. I noticed the “cyst” was growing a few months ago and GP tried to aspirated it, with no result. Went back for scan and the rest is as above. Have at least one axilla node but one was apsirated on 11/9/09, the same day my decree absolute decided to arrive. I work as a nurse and a little knowledge is a very bad thing!! Of course, I have managed to convince myself it has spread and I will die.

I have had such an awful two years, what with ex’s infidelity and the pain of divorce. Was just daring to be hopeful for the future, have met a lovely guy and have got the house in the divorce settlement. Finacially, my back is against the wall and i am going to really struggle.

I know this all sounds very depressing and negative but its how I feel!!

I would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation, or those who understand (i’m sure there are loads of you!)I must say, I do have wonderful support but its from people who dont really understand.

by the way, call me Julia!!

Hi Julia,
Just saw your post and wanted to offer a cyber hug and words of support.
It’s such a shock when you’re first diagnosed and suddnely propelled in an unknown direction. Be kind to yourself and just try and take it day by day. I always find that once a treatment plan is in place and you have more of an idea of what is to be happening that it is easier to come to terms with things. The unknown is horrible as our mind can do all sorts of things! I am still learning how to take things as they come and not think too far ahead and then it’s amazing to look back and realise time has gone on faster than you imagined and you’re still doing ok!
Isn’t it strange in life how many things seem to come to try us at once. Sorry to hear about your divorce. I went through an awful and unexpected divorce last year whilst on chemo so I understand some of the pain of that and the worry about finances. I am feeling much happier and more settled now despite not having family around me.
I have found this website a tremendous support over the past 7 years so I hope you will too.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you get on.
Anne xx

Thanks Anne

Blimey, that was quick! Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I know that once I’m “in the system” things will be easier to deal with but this bit is pretty darn difficult to deal with. I need to be strong. Havent eaten since diagnosis, my usual response to stress!!

Julia x

Hi Julia

Really sorry you had to join us and I so remember that awful feeling at the beginning of it all and I really sympathise with you. I couldn’t eat or sleep either and lost a load of weight before putting it all back on and more during/after the treatment! Anyway although it’s really hard emotionally, I think you’ll find that once you know more about what’s going on and a treatment plan, you’ll start feeling better about things - that’s how I felt anyway and I know a lot of other ladies feel the same. I had my real ups and downs but also had a determination to get through it all as quickly and smoothly as possible and just deal with it all - and I did. I had a lot of support from friends and family and that really helps.

Please don’t worry about sounding depressing and negative, the whole thing is depressing and you have every right to feel like this it’s how most people feel.

I finished my treatment end of Nov 08 and was diagnosed June 2007. My life is getting back on track and I’m working full time.

Thinking of you and sending you my best wishes
Ruby xx

Hi Julia

Getting the diagnosis is without doubt very traumatic and it’s an emotional rollercoaster. I found I felt considerably better once I started the treatment. I’m 8 months into treatment and currently nearing the end of my chemo. Although I still have some very very low days I’m usually filling the days I feel between chemo with things I enjoy doing. I think in some ways I’ve become more focussed on what I like doing and what makes me feel good and feel less guilty about that.

Your divorce and all that you’ve been through emotionally is tough. I’d say try to focus on your needs - easy to say I know and take one day at a time (as much as you can. My mind sometimes races on to the future as well).

Hope you’ll be starting your treatment soon and it all goes well.
A big hug to you.
Elinda x

Thanks so much for the replies. They have lifted me and had me crying. Again!!

Julia x

Hi Julia,
just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. There are many, many amazingly strong women on here who will support you through this journey.

Do you know about surgery yet?

Love
Al
xx

hang on in there Julia -am thinking of you too ! xxchipperxx

Hi Julia,

Just wanted to send you my best wishes and sympathy. I still remember the pain, anxiety and utter devastation of initial diagnosis. I have since been diagnosed with secondaries and I swear it wasn’t as bad as the first time round. The shock, and feeling of rawness and being completely consumed by fear is awful. All I can say is it DOES get easier with time. Your mind eventually learns to cope and you will come to terms with it, I promise you. ANd one day you will go to bed and realise you didn’t cry today! Just hang in there.

I also Just wanted to say its perfectly normal to feel negative and upset, thats what we’re here for! Often its easier to offload here than to friends and family, so you go ahead girl!

Sending you hugs and best wishes for the coming weeks. Treatment is tough, but bearable.

Love bex xx

hi Julia

just wanted to send some cyberhugs your way.

i went through a messy separation 7 years ago (still not divorced yet) after my ex had numerous affairs… then went on to do nursing and midwifery.

i was first diagnosed with BC 3 years ago the day i registered as a MW and i got a new primary in the other breast this year on my dad birthday.

it really takes the wind from your sails just when you are kinda getting your life back on track.

i got the house in the separation agreement but luckily had critical illness cover which paid off the mort which was good as i didnt have a job yet… check and see if you have a similar policy as you may have something like that arranged when you re-negotiated your mort.

i had one node aspirated the first time but it wasnt affected by cancer it was just fighting it, but i know what you mean about a little knowledge being a bad thing… but for me thinking of worst case scenarios meant id covered every option and it wasnt any where near as bad as id imagined it could have been.

dont worry about feeling depressed and negative you are allowed to feel like that and waiting for results is such torture.

but there are loads of girls on here who can help support you through this and sounds like you have new fab man to help you too.

love and hugs

lulu xx

Hey Julia,

Just wanted to jump in and give you a big hug as well. I was diagnosed in May 2007 and I still remember the shock although deep down I was expecting the diagnosis! This limbo time is horrible just waiting to get on with things, hang in there you’ll get there. Come on here and speak to us, we understand.

Take care

Veggie

Hi Julia, I just want to offer you my support too. You have been through a lot girl. I just wondered how you are doing today. I was diagnosed a long long time ago but I know what you are going through. But you WILL manage to get through all this. I remember the day of first diagnosis and how hard it was. I cried in bed at night for a long time and felt I was walking in a different plane from everyone else and couldn’t understand how their lives appeared to be going on as normal…as I was going to die any day soon… Well I didn’t… It is 20 years since I was first diagnosed and I am still here to tell the tale. I wish you well and am trying to offer you a little hope that there might be some light at the end of the tunnel, take care, we all want to hear how things are going with you. LOve Val (Scottishlass) PS One day at a time. You will get there. XX

Val
Thanks for your words, they mean a lot tome. Today I’m a mess. My new partner stayed over and he’s very supportive. Of course ,I barely slept and spent most of noght on sofa, not helped by his snoring. Cant eat, drink or sleep. Feel constantly sick. Have been started on antidepressants but have the usual 14 day wait for them to kick in. Still convinced it has spread. Help!!

Julia xx

Hi Julia

I was exactly like you when first diagnosed, which was a relatively short time ago, on 31st July. I couldn’t eat or sleep and went to GP for anti-depressants.

Since then I have had my op and the diagosis and prognosis is nowhere near as bad as I feared.

I still feel low, wobbly, strange etc. some of the time but IT DOES GET BETTER and even though you think you won’t be able to bear another day of how you’re feeling you will get through it. You will, as everyone says, feel better when you know exactly what you’re dealing with and are getting treatment. PLus when your antidepressants kick in ( which took about 2 and half weeks for me).

I was advised I must try to eat to keep my strength up for surgery/recovery. I had Complan ( the strawberry one, the Original is vile) and soups, as I found them easier than solid food.

Glad your partner is supportive. I was in the middle of a sort of trial separation from mine when diagnosed and was about to buy a house. So it was very traumatic. This was after splitting from my children’s dad 4 years ago due to his infidelity. Becaue I was in bits after diagnosis, we decided it was better all round to try to stick together so I wasn’t looking after the kids on my own, buying a house, moving etc. whilst coping with surgery, treatment etc. So far this has worked ok, although not ideal…

If I can get through this, anyone can.

Take care, try to eat if you can…

Love and gentle hugs

Anna xx

Thanks Anna

I have a box of Complan somewhere from when I dropped to a size 6 during the divorce!! (chocolate of course) I would say men are s**** but there was a woman doing it too so we as bad as each other. I even wouldn’t wish this on her, and I’ve wished her many things!

Julia XX

Hi Julia,
Just wanted to let you know how you are feeling is quite normal, i felt exactly the same when i was dx 13 years ago was then 39 with 2 children the youngest 12 weeks old and during the pregnacy i had decided to split from the father has he wanted me to terminate it you can imagine my shock when i was dx during my post natal i remember pushing my baby in the pram from the doctors surgery and planning my funeral on the way home wodering what was going to happen to my baby i was in a very dark place and thought i would never ever get out of but…hours turned to days and days to weeks to months then years, you will come through this julia but you must try and eat to build your strenth up for the treatment you may have.
Please feel free to pm if you want i know at the time i wanted to hear all the positive stories i could get my hands on,
take care,
kayx

Thanks so much Lucyloo and you are so right. I’ve just read a post form someone who was dx the day before me. I hate this illness!!

Julia xx

Hello Julia
just wanted to send a cyber hug and tell you I’m thinking of you. I hope things soon start to feel better. Its important to look after yourself (says she who drank for the olympics when I was diagnosed!)and to be kind to yourself.
These forums are so helpful, and allow you to say things that you can’t to anyone else, because we’re all in the same boat.
take good care
love, Monica xx

Thanks Monica

I wish I could drink like that but too scared as I always get panic attacks with hangover!!

Julia xx

hi julia
i couldnt read your thread without saying everyone feels the same, it may not be of much use but it dispels the isolation you feel after diagnosis.

i was diagnosed on 29th july 5 days before my family holiday and 3 weeks before i was to visit the states with work!!! my mum died of cancer when i was 8, my sons age after her diagnosis when i was 5, my daughter is 4 so i went from normal to living worst nightmare within seconds. i have had mastectomy and full node clerance and get ct results tomorrow. i also decided not to know my prognosis as at 33 i shouldnt have got this so statistics dont stack up for me!!!

its a scary road we tread but how fab will it be to reflect and think it didnt beat me!!

lots of love helenx