NO NO NO NO NO NO

Public Archive
1

Hi

I wasn’t going to do this. I thought I was strong and could do without the support but I was wrong. I’ve signed back onto this site today.

I got the disease in 2005 and had WLE and mastectomy and then a recon. my boobs are spot on but in my head i can’t move on and I’m getting angry about it. You see I’m a manager, I’m a hard nut, I coped with cancer, never bothered me even the mastectomy but this disease is everywhere. Its like a constant reminder to me, I don’t want it, don’t want to think about it, don’t want scans and examinations anymore. i’ve had enough, I’VE HAD ENOUGH. I sound like a fruit cake on here but honestly, I just want to turn back the clock and forget all about it. I’m going through a stage of thinking I’m stupid and weak, don’t sympathise with me, reply to me and tell me to pull myself together.

Spunky x

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Hi Spunky,
Well that makes two of us, I thought I’d signed off from here too, but here I am again. I think that every so often the enormity of it all creeps back under our defenses and pops up to surprise us. I had DCIS and mastectomy nearly three years ago and coped fine, no major issues, no further treatment etc etc, and now feel that I am left in limbo.
OK… STOP BEING A WIMP. Chin up Dear, as my mother always says. Like all of Life’s little twists and turns, good or bad, cancer leaves a shadow on our souls that we can never get rid of, perhaps we should all stand in the sun more often.
Hugs,
Silversue.

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Hi Spunky

Im a 2005 too. I had mastectomy and unlike you it did bother me, infact loathed it, hated it, wouldn’t talk about it, cried every time I looked at it, never showed it any friends or even my sister and then went into a very dark hole after meeting my onc and getting crap prognosis and path report. really thought was it worth it.

It seemed what ever I was watching on TV or reading in papers was all related to BC, I was planning my funeral songs and readings and I just knew I had to get out of it or I would wallow in it until the day I died. I also had to get my head straight to contemplate starting treatment. I went to see my GP (I’m strong in my family and had refused to cry in front of them and couldn’t stand the sight of my Onc or BCN) I just broke down and let it all out, he was so understanding and seemed to say the right things, it didn’t fix me immediatley, I still felt like I was drowning but it put me on the path to where I am at the moment.

Now into 3rd year finished 8 chemos and 18 herceptin and 25 rads and had my recon, life is better for me, as for scans and check ups I just accept them as a medical a bit like a smear test, I do still have my off days but more good days, for me to deal with it I had to sort of accept it, so class myself as living with BC and I can do so. I have always continued to use this site, I talk my cancer fears here and this leaves me free of cancer talk with mates and family, I think some get their black holes straight away and others further along, coming back on this site may well be your starting point.

Take care,

Debbie x

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Hi Spunky

You may feel I don’t have the credentials to help as I am currently mid-way through treatment.

I think it’s delayed shock. If you didn’t get very upset at the time then you are probably just doing it now. Nothing wrong with that - in fact it’s quite normal. Happens to a lot of people in various situations e.g death of a baby for men, death of a close friend or relative, lots of other things (really sorry i can only think of death ones at the moment!) - I know sometimes when people move house they are really happy for 6 months or so and then get really fed up they have moved and miss the old house like crazy and get very angry about it - it happened to my mum! Rather than being in need a good telling off you might just need a big cuddle!!! IT IS OK TO HAVE THE FULL RANGE OF UPSET EMOTIONS - EVEN IF YOU ARE IN CHARGE!! Even your name is “spunky” … perhaps you should have called yourself “a bit vulnerable on certain days with possible snivelling” …Are you an older sibling? As I can’t do the cuddle from here then I’ll just have to do the telling off as instructed …

As a disease it is everywhere - you are quite right - according to the new health insurance adverts it affects 1 in 3 of us so if you think you’re going to avoid it then you are wrong so I wouldn’t bother trying. Having said that if people bring it up in conversation and you don’t want to talk about it you can tell then politely to **** off. I am in the closet partly for that reason i.e. very few people know. Having said that people have said things to me that you would never say to someone undergoing treatment as they simply don’t know!

You say you don’t want it - well none of us on here volunteered - and sometimes you just have to accept that sh*t happens. Sounds like you are in good physical nick and wearing well so if you are a manager perhaps you could view yourself more an an investment? It does seem a shame to have invested all that money and care in you when you are not making the most of it when some poor African woman somehwere with lots of kids depending on her is going to get absolutely no help - may be not even painkillers - and that is going to be that - for her and all her family.

Do you think you could be a bit more grateful? You could view yourself as being unlucky to have got it or lucky to be doing so well. Many people on here would pay you everything they have in the world to swap.

Perhaps you are just plain scared? We’ve all been there.

Perhaps you just like to be in control and none of us can be in control of what is going to happen next - but that applies to everything. It’s just a question of viewing each day at a time and getting on with it.

I always used to worry about the future more than the present. Then we had a serious car acident and I was far less future and far more present. Since this I am 100% present.But that’s a good thing as really that’s all that’s guaranteed anyway. It’s a bit like some people don’t want to work for themselves as they don’t feel as safe as working in a large organisation. When a large organisation offers b***er all security these days anyway!

If you are a worrier then find a good book on Change Management - I think it would do the the world of good. It would also be a good thing for your team.

How has this helped? Let me kow. Feel free to be honest - I can take it on the chin!

I think you just need to let it all out …

Good luck
Love FizBix xxx >>

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Hi Spunky

Sorry to read that you are feeling this way, there are a couple of Breast Cancer Care’s support services that might be of interest to you as they can offer help and support via the telephone in addition to the support you have here.

The first is Breast Cancer Care’s telephone support group. It’s a chance to get together once a week to talk with people who’ve been there. Linked together by phone in comfortable surroundings, you can express your feelings and discuss the practical and emotional impact of living with breast cancer. The groups will be particularly useful for you if you feel isolated. The groups are completely free (we pay for the phone calls) and as long as you have access to a phone and have a quiet private place from which to call, you can join us from anywhere in the UK.

There is also Breast Cancer Care’s peer support service. The telephone service aims to quickly put you in touch with one of our trained peer supporters, who has had a personal experience of breast cancer. Our peer supporters are from diverse backgrounds and ages and have experienced different types of breast cancer and treatments. They are ready to listen, offer skilled emotional support and share their experiences and understanding.

For more information about these and our other support services available to you, please telephone our helpline on 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm) or email:

info@breastcancercare.org.uk

Best wishes
Lucy

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Hi Spunky

If you are a fruit cake then i would say most of us on this site are also fruit cakes. i was like you - not a tear when told, not a tear through chemo 2 ops and rads, BUT a few months after treatment had finished when i had decided well that was last year i’m not going to worry about it the tears are now flowing on a somewhat regular basis - so i like it HELL NO!!! this isn’t the usual ME but then we have gone through a massive ordeal and it has to take a hold sometime. you are not weak , you’re not stupid you are just plainly HUMAN

I’m not going to shout at you, i’m going to send you a big massive cyber hug instead as i think we can all do with a hug. just ride the storm, accept it and I’m sure that you will feel a lot better for it soon - keep posting on here and get rid of your worries and frustrations

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Hi Spunky

Sorry to hear that you are going thru some dark times right now. This is a delayed reaction and you need to look after yourself so as not to drop into depression. Me, well I am, DCIS and had my mast and recon in Dec 2007. I wanted to be strong as that is what my friends and family always expect of me and most of all that is what I demand of myself. But, I do crumble a fair bit in private and occasionally let a little out to my lovely man and to my best mate.

Whilst in for the op I played the below noted song repeatedly as it covered all things, my fear, my sense of failing myself by losing control of my feelings and also a feeling that one day I would be really strong about all this that has happened to my body, mind and soul, I hope it helps you too.

You should see your GP and ask about counselling, it has really helped me.

This awful monster steals so many lives please Dont let this monster steal those of us who have physically survived - we now need to emotionally and psychologically survive, and we will - given time.

Words of Be Strong - Delta Goodram

Are you swimming upstream in oceans of blue? Do you feel like you’re sinking?
Are you sick of the rain after all you’ve been thru well I know what you’re thinking
When you can’t take it, You can make it Sometime soon I know you’ll see

Cause when you’re in your darkest hour and all of the light just fades away
When you’re like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of grey
Well hang on and be strong

We’re taking each step one day at a time, you can’t lose your spirit
Let live and let live forget and forgive It’s all how you see it and
Just remember keep it together don’t you know you’re never alone

Cause when you’re in your darkest hour and all of the light just fades away
When you’re like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of grey
Well hang on and be strong

No you’re not defeated and soon you’ll be smiling once again
Then you won’t have to feel it let it go with the wind
Time passes us by and know that you’re allowed to cry

Cause when you’re in your darkest hour and all of the light just fades away
When you’re like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of grey
Well hang on and be strong

I do hope this has helped you Spunky, take good care of yourself, luvnhugsCarolexxx

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Thanks to you all. I’m feeling a bit better today. Tamoxifen really doesn’t help, I think I might pop in and see the Doc to see if they can help me out as well.

You’re all so well balanced, I need to thank you all for your words, they do mean a lot and the hugs do too.

I’m such a miserable s*d, just need a kick up the a*se!

God bless you all

Spunky x

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Glad you are feeling a bit better today Spunky, and also that you are going to have a chat with the Doc - hope it can help a bit.
You sound well balanced and normal as well, just struggling with having had breast cancer, as we all do.
So here’s another hug - let us know how you get on.
Sarah x

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Hi Spunky

So glad to hear that you are having a better day today, I hope that continues. Don’t be so hard on yourself , you sound a lot like me when you say you just need a kick up the a***! However, you also need understanding from us lot and from everyone who is close to you and you need to realise that everything that you are going thru is completely natural. You will get thru this stage Spunky, good luck at the docs.

Loadsnloadshugs Carolexxx