I have my appointment with the oncologist tomorrow to discuss chemo and herceptin.
I just cant seem to accept whats happening and am in a terrible place at the moment. I am worrying about loosing my hair, being sick, and all the other side effects. I am worried about getting infections and being rushed into hospital, I am basically worrying about everything, and almost feel like saying no to the chemo, even though I know I cant say no.
My gp has given me valium and antidepressants as she thinks the is the final straw for me after everything else and that I need some help. She is right there!
I hate the fact that cancer takes control of your life in many different ways.
Its my daughters graduation today, and while I am over the moon about her doing brilliantly and so proud, I am also dreading the event this afternoon.
How do I get around this feeling and accept whats going on.
Thank you and sorry to be moaning again, I am just so scared.
I am also so disappointed that we are going to probably have to cancel yet another holiday, which was the one thing that was keeping me going. But how can I go away and enjoy it knowing what awaits me on my return.
Hi SGL, try to enjoy this afternoon you must be so proud, and let tomorrow take it’s place when it comes, I know easier said than done, you are bound to be worried. I would like to send you a big hug will be thinkin of you, take a deep breath and enjoy today, love junieliz x
i have my 5th chemo this week, the 2nd tax… just wanted to let you know that although i have lost my hair, that really has been the worst of it. I have been very lucky that i havent even felt sick, that I havent had any infections or hospital admissions. Ok i have had to sleep alot and with my 1st tax i did get very bad aches and pains but only for 3 days, and i did have bad thrush in my mouth but doctor helped out there. Bad taste in mouth was the worst of it really, So i know that I can do it all again.! Maybe i have been very lucky, and maybe you will be too!
Best wishes x
So sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. Do please give the helpline here a ring, they’re here to support you through this. The lines are open now, calls are free 0808 800 6000.
Enjoy your daughter’s graduation, it’s something to be proud of.
I was diagnosed with BC back in May and remember too well those feelings of worry of hopelessness and above all a sudden lack of control in my life where control meant everything. It felt like a brick wall had been placed in front of me with very little I could do about it. I too was worried about chemo, side effects and losing my hair. On top of worrying endlessly about me upsetting my family and causing them to worry about me.
Now I am well into my chemo, bald as a coot, been in hospital twice with neutropenia and pretty much chugging my way through treatment. Its actually a lot less scary than it was pre chemo as now I feel I have more control (am tackling the tumour head on and surviving!!) my hair loss was no where near as stressful as the thought of it was (fab wigs and actually quite liberating in a way and so much quicker to get ready and no need to shave legs/do bikini line/shave underarms) side effects are rubbish but its not been too bad, there are meds available for every side effect and they really try hard to keep them under control so you can actually live your life during treatment… you learn to enjoy the good days (and there ARE good days I promise) and you learn to accept the bad days as tempory ones…
I do not think (and it might just be me and my thoughts) that you have to ‘accept’ cancer, you just need to take each day at a time and try not to think about it all in the big picture. Treatment is developing all the time and the outlook can be great for many of us.
Your friends and family will prove to be worth their weight in gold and use them for support, don’t try and cope alone or think you have to be some brave warrior who cannot fall apart for fearing you may look weak…
I do not write much on these forums but have been reading them and whatever you feel I promise you you will find a post from someone that feels the same way.
I hope you manage to have a great afternoon, enjoy all that is good in your life and take the rest a day at a time in baby steps. It does get easier once you decide on treatment and get started, everyone says the waiting is the worse and for my part that was very true. Spoil yourself lots (I have bought copious amounts of bath creams, body lotions and wigs and bandanas!! what better excuse to buy yourself some lil luxuries than now)
Good luck with tomorrow and ask lots of questions (again gives you more chance of gaining back some control when you play a part in choosing the best treatment for you)
I really feel for you today, junieliz is right in saying let tomorrow take it’s place when it comes … you WILL get through this I have and so many other people have too, you are not alone. I felt exactly like you and now I’m through it. I had WLE then MX, chemo, rads which finished in June, my hair is growing I’m back at work and about to go on holiday. Time will pass, take each day as it comes. I was never admitted to hospital with an infection even though when I went for my pre-chemo meeting that was all they went on about and it really scared me. I kept away from ill people (all my family had coughs and colds at some point) I didn’t catch anything. I know it’s very hard and annoying when people say stay positive and all that, but it does help. A great thing to do is start a thread on here when you start chemo so you can buddy up with others going through chemo at the same time.
Enjoy today, put that BC in it’s place and say ‘you’re not taking over my thoughts today thank you - I shall deal with you tomorrow’!!
Hi SGL,
I’m sure you will enjoy this afternoon and try not to worry too much about what may come. It is hard but you will get through it. There is such a lot to take in and do lean on people for support. The helpline people are very good also.
I remember panicking about chemo, hair loss etc. I kept most of my hair using cold cap ( do ask one of the chemo nurses about it). The side effects were not as bad as I expected and I manage to work 2 weeks out of each cycle. It is so hard, I really feel for you, but you will get through it.
Sending lots of love,
Sue
I have to say that even though I was pretty sure that I’d need chemo I still found it hard to deal with at the beginning. My GP also gave me sleeping pills and anti-depressants to help me cope and I was glad he did as they did help.
I just kept telling myself that I had to get through it somehow because having chemo greatly improved my survival rates and just took each day as it came. Some days were worse than others but remember that the chemo unit staff will help you as much as possible where SEs are concerned. Also remember that it’s fine to want to scream and cry occasionally too - it does help!
Yes, I think it’s fair to say that what I went through is probably most people’s worst nightmare when it came to side effects, infections etc but and it’s a big but, I lived to tell the tale!
On a practical front, the hair loss thing is crappy but at least you are prepared for it to happen. I had my long hair cut short in advance and I recommend sorting out a wig and other headgear before the hair loss starts as it’s much less of an ordeal that way.
No one will lie and tell you it’s a bed of roses, because it isn’t but it is doable and we will support you through all of it because that’s what we are here for!
SGL - how do we get through it? We follow these three simple steps:
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Repeat steps 1 and 2.
Nobody will tell you it’s going to be easy, but do bear in mind that the majority of people who post on here do so when they have something they need help with. You don’t get to see the thousands of people who DON’T have a nightmare with chemo and all the rest. You don’t have to apologise for being scared, I reckon most if not all people who go through chemo were flipping terrified before that first one. I sat and cried throughout the whole of the first dose, and THAT WAS FINE!!!
Although in my own chemo experience the first one was completely horrible, I have almost felt guilty at having so few side-effects to deal with, apart from the dormouse, an unpleasant taste for a week or so and the stinky bum, of course! But they ARE all manageable. Some wag even sent me a link to a website that sells charcoal-impregnated knickers to deal with the bottom burps - fell about laughing at that one!
I suspect you’re trying very hard to be superwoman and feeling like a complete failure because you’re not, so everything falls to bits. Take it from the rest of us, you don’t HAVE to be superwoman. Having a cry and tantrum occasionally is normal. (Perhaps a bit embarrassing if you do it in public but hey, that’s ok.)
Thank you ladies. As per usual you always say the right things and I am really grateful. I hope once I have finished I will be able to help others too.
Just on way to graduation now, one small plus is I have lost half a stone due to all the worry and my dress fits much better!
Thank you so much it really does help having all your support.
A wee hello from me to. I just think its very understandable to be scared so don’t beat yourself up over. I just hope you have a lovely day today, and that like many here the chemo turns out to be not so bad.
Hi SGL
I like you was not expected to need chemo and to find out I did was a real slap in the face for me and also like you I considered not having it, but to get Herceptin we have to have it, and I think that coming to terms with and “accepting” the treatment is the key.
I decided to slot in a last minute holiday before chemo started and my onc was very accommodating re my start date to allow me to do this. Emotionally it helped to have someting good happen before the dreaded chemo, but if this is not possible for you then put this years holiday money away and have an even better one next year. I have only had 2 cycles, but so far NO sickness, NO need for hospital visit, just feel like I’m wading through water and its very foggy, but so far not too bad.
I discussed my feelings re hair loss with Oncy man and I am on a chemo regime that does not always mean total hair loss, he was happy for me to have this treatment instead, maybe this is something you could discuss.
Now get that dress on! and go and celebrate your daughters wonderful achievement.
Take Care
Terri
PM me if you want to know more about my treatment.
SGL, Like you I was told to start with that I wound not have to have chemo, when that changed I really felt like my world had come to an end. But Im still here after 6 fec, yes I lost my hair, which for me was the worse se to copy with. I did end up in hospital twice, but I coped, & I am on my own, I really didnt know I was so strong. I start rads next week, then holiday is booked & back to work. You will get through it, take 1 day at a time, not everyone has bad ses.My son graduated this thursday, & I am dreading it, as I will have to see the ex, wig in place:(, but Im still here to see him graduate. Enjoy today & before you know it you will be through the other end Lesley xx
Hi SGL
By the time you get this your daughter’s graduation will probably be over and you will be the proudest Mum out there. I hope your afternoon has been great and I hope too that the chemo is not too bad.
I’m way behind you in terms of diagnosis and treatment, but up till very recently was a volunteer at my local hosp on the chemo day unit, nearly all the people I met who were receiving treatment said that chemo whilst not pleasant was eminently doable, I hope this helps
Will be thinking of you and keep everything crossed for you
Hi SGL
This is the first time i have posted anything so here goes. I was diagnosed in november 2010 and after two operations still did not get clearance so went ahead with chemo. Its not the easiest treatment to get through but now that it is finished I look back and think that it wasn’t so bad even though there were infections and pain etc. Four weeks ago I underwent mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction and will have radiotherapy next month so I now know that i am almost there. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I just take each day as it comes and make the most of it, it is just that some days are better than others. Today is a good day for you, enjoy your daughters graduation. Good luck with your treatment.
Hi SGL.
Hope you had a lovely time at your daughters graduation:)
I was dx in october and started my chemo 2 weeks after that. Its do-able, honestly:)) I got through with little baby steps, not expecting too much of myself, sleeping i needed too, eating when needed and crying when i needed too. I got my wig sorted before my hair came out, it was very similar to my own hair. Nearly ( months on from dx, i have been today for my hair coloured and styled into a crop. I set myself small milestones, like christmas, to get through. If i am honest my 8 doses of chemo seems to have flown past.
Good luck. Hugs.
Kerry xxx
SGL, today’s about being a proud mummy, and the pic you posted right brought a tear to my eye! Hope you really enjoyed the day, and well done to baby lily. That’s what it’s all about, after all.
Thank you so much for all your kind replies. I was a proud mummy today and managed to just about keep a dry eye! My daughter got a 2.1 in English and worked extremely hard. She studied at Queen Marys in London.
Lying on my bed now after having a bath as it was a very exhausting day. I think probably the worry of tomorrow has added to my tiredness.
I realised my mistake on the train but couldnt edit on my phone. It should have read ACCEPT!! I wont be able to blame things on blond moments for much longer.
Tomorrow is only a few hours away and I am feeling very nervous, but will ge glad to hear what the oncologist has to say.
Sounds like youve had a hectic but happy day. Ive just had my shower and shed a few tears. The panic is gripping me at the moment waiting to get the results from the oncologist tomorrow. Hope you get some sleep, I dont think I will get much shut eye at all.
Really hope that you’ve had a great day. My son’s graduation is on Thursday but unlike you I’m over three years out. I too was told that it would be unlikely that I would need chemo. I was terrified. I remember sitting in the chemo chair just wanting to run…
But of course what’s in your head is a lot worse than the reality. Yes, you do feel rough sometimes but just batten down the hatches. Mark the chemo off on the calendar and before you know it…it’s over. It takes a while to get back to feeling ‘normal’ but it does come.
Losing my hair was not a big deal for me. I got a great wig online from Contrast Wigs and that gave me confidence to go out and face the world.
My hair seemed to take forever to grow back. At first it was so curly, like corkscrews, and I just couldn’t manage it. But after a few months it was back to how it was.
Everything just takes time. I know when I was having treatment I felt as though someone had just pressed the pause button on my life. Now I’m back to normal - well not quite. Now I’ve re-assessed my priorities and know what’s important. I now enjoy life much more.