not coping with this

I’m sorry but I need to moan. I want to cry, scream and shout but I can’t because its half term and my girls are here. Still not had full dx but its bad enough already and I just can’t see a way out of this nightmare. I wake up every morning and feel physically sick. I don’t know how I’m sleeping at all to be honest but I am, it takes it all away. But then morning comes. I’m am just so scared of not getting through this and my survival been short. I can’t put my girls through the agnony of seeing me poorly if its not a good outcome. I know I should be positive… And I am trying…but this is just horrific. I’ve just tried ringing my bn but she is not in until 1. I’m sorry for the rant…if anyone is reading this far. I understand those who have not, as I’m being so negative and there are so many positive strong ladies on here. I’m letting the side down. I’m just in complete bits. I’m dreading the scans, I’m convinced it has spread. Getting aches and pains everywhere. Some were there before dx but I just ignored them thinking its part and parcel of getting on a bit. But then i think, no, I’m only 37!! I just can’t believe this is happening. So so scared ?

Hi Netti, you’re not being negative you’re just scared and understandably. Don’t panic, take some deep breaths. We are in this together. Im 52 with grown up children, so can’t imagine what you’re going through having youngsters around. It must be really hard trying to out on a brave face. I’ve managed to stay positive so far. I’ve had surgery nearly 9 weeks ago, a mastectomy with immediate recon. Starting chemo on Friday. 

Sorry Netti, I was trying to reply quickly but I have trouble with the touchpad. No one will tell you on here that it will be easy, it won’t be. But there are so many options now that a cure is all I hear when I attend hospital appointments. I have an aggressive cancer that I had removed. My lymphs were involved. I’m very positive most of the time but I have wobbles. Everyone even the strongest ladies on here have wobbles, you are not letting the side down. We are all here going through the Same emotions, but different people deal with them in different ways. It’s not a matter of strength. The ladies on here are amazing, but we need to take strength from    their powerful messages. Some days you’ll feel strong and can help others. You will get there but at the moment you need support and you will get that here. I’m sure every feeling you have at the moment someone on here has experienced, so ask away. Don’t suffer alone. You can and will get through this. big hugs xxx

Hi Netti,

i know exactly how you feel, I could have written your post. I’m in a similar situation, getting results from second set of biopsies tomorrow after the first one came back atypical and MRI and further ultrasound were very suspicious. I can’t eat, that moment when I wake up and have to remember it all over again every morning is so hideous I feel like just crumbling…but I can’t because I have my 9 and 7 year olds off for half term. Please don’t feel you’re letting anyone down. I think what we’re going through is normal. You have to put on a brave face for your kids and it seems impossible. All I can do is give you a massive hug over the Internet, and tell you you’re not alone. I know what you mean about the worry of it having spread too. I have a really bad back ache, an unexplained bruise, eye ache…the list goes on. All of which I’m sure I’d brush aside normally but now am convinced are related. I’m trying to stay positive, but it’s hard. I’m sending you tons and tons of positive vibes and I know we can get through this.

Hi Netti - you’re definitely not alone. I’m in the same position too. Like Pookie says, you wake up in the morning and it hits you again! I think we all become aware of aches and pains and panic! It’s such a shock when you get your diagnosis. I couldn’t eat or sleep and just wanted to stay in bed under the duvet. Still waiting to get my treatment plan - had mastectomy two weeks ago. Waiting for test results is hideous. But treatments now are really good. We need to do a day at a time (not always easy) until we get to the end of the tunnel. And we will! Lots of love xx

Hi Netti, I feel exactly the same, on the outside I appear positive and coping on the inside I have the negative thoughts and thibk of my lg I don’t want to have. My appointments and treatment plan also seem ages away, and I want them now, they are only two weeks away, but this seems like 2 months at moment. My back aches too, but it has done for months, due to carrying my lg around, but now I’ve convinced myself it’s spread to my bones, I have a cough and cold and have convinced it’s in my lungs. I feel very negative as well, but keep telling myself my mind is playing tricks on me. I can’t seem to shift my cold, so now worried it will delay chemo treatment. So I know it doesn’t help but you are not alone and I think these feelings are normal. My frustration is that i can’t do anything to stop it, apart from wait! Big hug. I’ve come back to work today too, going ok so far. Xxx

Hi Netti and all you other ladies, I felt EXACTLY the same as you guys when I was diagnosed in February. I was planning my funeral and worrying who would help my husband look after our 2 boys etc. But nearly 4 months on I have had a lumpectomy and re-ecision, so the cancer has been removed, I am taking Tamoxifen so this should stop any cancer cells growing and I have had 13 out of 20 radiotherapy sessions which is frying the life out of any nasty little cells that are lingering! So hopefully it us being attacked from all directions! Waiting for results was incredibly hard abd I had so many aches and oains that I had convinced myself was the cancer spreading. I had to remind myself that I’ve had aches and pains and various twinges for a few years (getting old!), the lingering cold I got just before my surgery was probably due to being tired and run down (abd not lung cancer) and my aching boob is because of all it’s been through recently and not another cancer growing. It DOES get easier, I promise you, but I found it was when I started on some kind of treatment plan as I felt I was finally doing something about this awful disease.  I do get wobbly days but they are becoming rarer and cancer no longer fills all my thoughts.  Life is pretty much back to normal apart from going to hospital every day at the mo for my rads, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel at last.  You will get through this and amaze yourselves at how incredibly strong you all are.  Good luck to all of you. Michelle xx

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. I know that some of you are in the same position as me or have been. I know I’m not alone. My family are being amazing and so supportive…i am usually so happy go lucky but they can all see how much this is hurting. I’ve read all your words of encouragement today and its has calmed me down alot and had a lovely day in the garden with my girls. Thank you for getting me through it. I hope you all are ok and take comfort from the posts on here too. Good luck to us all. Xxxx

Hi Millasmummy if you look under the going through treatment thread it’s under the chemotherapy monthly threads.

Netti and others panicking like us. I had my surgery and managed really well despite wound healing issues but the minute I started chemo bam!!! All these negative thoughts and panic have set in. I keep hearing stories of people with poor outcomes in the press etc and have to keep reminding myself they are truly in the minority. But only the bad news stories seem to get published.
We are normal we are just caring mummys who want to be around for their children.
It will get easier we just can’t see that right now.
Mind you if the sun came out I’m sure we’d all feel a lot more positive xx

I’ve had all my scan dates come through now. Next Mon, Tues and wed. Shame can’t be all on the same day. Going for my marker on Friday. I’ll see the onc on 13th June…so I’m sure ill be in the June starters too. My mind has been occupied with kids today and shopping for their hols. My mom and aunty are taking them away next week, and all being well ill join them for a few days. Trying to be normal is difficult. I’m so grateful for all your comments. I read through them all the time to give me strength. I hope your all doing ok. The support from others is overwhelming xxx

Ladies you are all in the awful early days of diagnosis and tests and endless endless waiting!!! Everything you all describe is perfectly normal I can promise you, I thought I’d be gone within the month when I was diagnosed but 14 months later I’m here and fighting fit! Every little ache and twinge sent me in to a melt down but things do gradually begin to get better slowly but surely!

You just find an acceptance about what is happening and you begin the fight back, fear will be replaced by anger and determination and you will deal with what at the minute I know seems impossible, one step at a time and try and only focus on the next thing you know is definitely happening otherwise you will drive yourselves completely batty and for the vast majority of us completely needlessly! This is treatable and although not a walk in the park you will come out the other side , a little battered but with a new love and appreciation for life! Xx Jo 

Hi Netti, I too am 37, with an 8 year old and a 10 year old. I was diagnosed today. 14mm lump but no further details yet. Having a WLE on 28th along with SNB. The not knowing more is driving me mad already and it’s only day 1. Definitely having 3 weeks of rads but admit I’m petrified I might need chemo. I’m thinking of you x

Hi Sue! Thank you for thinking of me! I had mastectomy on left 7 weeks ago. My sentinel node was affected. Had onco test with low score so my onc sent me for more nodes out. They were clear. So I’m not having chemo or radio, but monthly injection in tum plus daily anastrazole for next 10 years - could possibly have ovaries out to avoid monthly injection, but won’t worry about that for now!  Will be having gene test in September, so that’s the next big hurdle. Also agonising about reconstruction. Sounds like yours has been good - i wish I’d had immediate but it wasn’t really on offer - my surgeon more or less dismissed it saying I can have it later, but now I know what it involves I’m really scared! I’ve been really encouraged by your posts to fellow travellers so thank you for them. Hope all is going well with you. Debbie xxxx

Hi Sue! Thank you for thinking of me! I had mastectomy on left 7 weeks ago. My sentinel node was affected. Had onco test with low score so my onc sent me for more nodes out. They were clear. So I’m not having chemo or radio, but monthly injection in tum plus daily anastrazole for next 10 years - could possibly have ovaries out to avoid monthly injection, but won’t worry about that for now!  Will be having gene test in September, so that’s the next big hurdle. Also agonising about reconstruction. Sounds like yours has been good - i wish I’d had immediate but it wasn’t really on offer - my surgeon more or less dismissed it saying I can have it later, but now I know what it involves I’m really scared! I’ve been really encouraged by your posts to fellow travellers so thank you for them. Hope all is going well with you. Debbie xxxx

Hi Sue. I haven’t discussed recon with anyone - I’ve just read the Macmillan booklet. They all sound scary! Don’t know if I can face 8-10 hour op. Might not like results etc. Debbie xxx