Diagnosed breast cancer May 07. after 2 ops had a mastectomy. followed by chemo which finished xmas 07. radiotherapy finished in feb 08. reconstructive a couple of months ago Sept 08. which went very well.
Everybody expexts me to suddenly be back to normal now I’ve got a new boob. I get angry, tearful and very depressed. If one more person with both their boobs tell me one more time to put it all behind me and keep positive I will scream.
All through the treatment everybody told me how amazed they were at how cheerful I was. Now it’s all over as many put it they are suprised that I feel so depressed. questions like "but you’ve had the reconstruction aren’t you happy with it? the answer is yes I am. but it’s not like the breast I lost and everytime I look in the mirror I can see whats happened to me.
My friends have said “at least you are still alive” Don’t they think I know this? Every morning I wake up and touch my breast, hoping that it’s all been a bad dream then realise it’s for real.
I’ve been so positive all the way through but now I’m starting to crack up.
Diddly
Hi diddly, you’re not alone in feeling like this. Your timetable of treatment is very similar to mine. My surgery was Aug 2007 then chemo then rads in March 08 then ovaries out in June 08 and still waiting for next recon op. Someone said to me (at my grandma’s funeral this summer - she’d died at the age of 90 from liver cancer) that wasn’t it good I’d finished all my treatment. I said nothing and my sister replied on my behalf that it “had it been a long road and one that I was still travelling along”. I think other people do move on yet it is much more difficult for us. Also, things are so much more awful for us than for any observer that it takes a lot longer for emotions to sink in and be worked through. It was nearly a year before I even started to feel angry at all.
I have tried to be more patient with others and their comments as I know they mostly mean well but it is hard. I think we have to take on the enormity of what we have been through and are still going through and only other women going through the same thing can really understand what it is like.
I’m not sure I’ve been much help but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling.
agree totally I have finished chemo but still going through rads and people are already assuming I am over it now and should be back to being the person I was before but it doesn’t quite work like that does it. That is why it is so good to go on this site and make contact with other women who do know how I feel and have experienced the same fears. Thinking of you both and understanding how you feel we can only hope in time as with all traumas we experience that it will get easier but just to let you kow you are not alone.
Hi Nicola,
Thanks for your reassuring words. The odd thing is that even though the chemo was awful and made very ill at the time, I am finding now more difficult to cope with. I feel like I’m in a limbo.
I’m due to go back to work in a couple of weeks. I work in a primary school as a 1-1 special needs teaching assistant.
I started back for the first couple of weeks in September and found that I can’t tolerate the classroom noise like before. (since the chemo I find that more than one voice in a room becomes like a babble to me) Also I’d be going about my work then suddenly get like a dejavu feeling and felt strange. like I’d been lifted out of the workplace and put on a different planet for a year, then dumped back in only to find they’ve all moved on without me. The children that I’d worked with had all moved on to another school. The staff have been great but it all feels strange.
I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago as I plan on getting fit enough to run in the 5k race for life next may. I walked the course this year just a couple of months after completing all my treatment. I haven’t run in nearly 25 years.
I find the gym difficult, especially the changing rooms where ladies of all ages shapes and sizes are flashing their boobs after having a shower. I put my head down, grab my bag and get home to my own shower and sob my heart out.
I just want to curl up in a ball, draw a curtain round me and shut the whole world out.
Hi Diddly, I had a mastectomy approx 8 years ago and then breast reconstruction and yes the whole lot is totally crap, but believe me you will get back to your normal life again and will start feeling more positive again - i think we all still look in the mirror and cant believe what has happened to us but you have to be positive, look to the future and think that there are a lot of others worse off than ourselves. I hope this helps Diddly, it is just my way of dealing with it.
Hi
Your comments remind me very much of how I have been feeling. (Had op Oct 07 and finished chemo end of March.) I too was largely positive through chemo stage which was when everyone was trying to support me. I think it all hits you after major treatments have finished. You have had months of psyching yourself up for various procedures and so the adrenalin carries you through - and you have had a lot more treatments than me. All of a sudden you are back in the real world and it feels very weird and many people expect you to pick up where you left of. Towards the end of chemo I was desperate to get back into the real world but after it had finished some days I just felt like I wanted to hide under my quilt! It does gradually get easier.
I too work in a primary school and like you have found it very hard going back. I also found that I was very intolerant to noise and I am definitely not as patient as I was although it is gradually improving. The classroom environment is a difficult one to cope with when you are not feeling your best. Are you going back on a phased return? I would strongly recommend doing less hours to start with if you can. I have built up my hours very slowly and am still working part time, I think it helps you get acclimatised to the school environment-which is exhausting at the best of times. I also think it helps remind people that ‘it isn’t all over and done with’ and hopefully helps them to realise that you are not going to be quite your ‘old self’.
Sorry I am not more help but as others have said wanted you to know that many of us feel like this.
Good luck with your return to work, keep us posted how you get on
Hi Diddy Like all of us you are being a bit hard on yourself . My treatment finished in July and I can still get overwhelmed by it all. You have to go through this to be able to understand , so for those that have’nt I think their fear that it might is one reason for bolstering you up , some of my so called friends hurt me , when they say it’s over now just look forward. I do know where you are coming from as do 99% of people on this site,
So any problems always remember we are here for you.
Lots of love Bobbiex.
Hi everyone,
thank you for all your kind comments. I’m going back to work next monday. I popped into work and had a chat with the Head. told her how I was feeling, she was great and said that if at any time I felt unable to cope to let her know.
All through the day I’ve had moments where I want to rip off someones head with my bare hands. I’m not normally an aggressive person.
This afternoon I went and got fitted with some running shoes as I’m planning on running in the Poole race for life next may. I walked round this year (an achievement I was pleased with) I am going to the gym a couple of times a week to train and starting this sunday I’m going to start attempting to get round the course each week. By next may hopefully will fly round.
I’m happy one minute and tearful/angry the next. I’m wondering if the tamoxifen is playing a part in this as well? I seem to have gone through the menopause now. (I’m 45)
Hi again Diddly and everyone else, I think it’s hard to know what feelings are caused by stress, worry, menopause, tamoxifen etc - probably they all have a part to play. For many months after I was dx’d I felt no anger at all. I was very tearful, shaky at times and worried/upset but strangely not angry. Then a couple of months ago, I got so angry that it was frightening. I wondered whether I needed to buy a punch bag to hang up in the garage! I think pyschologically we do have a cut-off where really difficult emotions are suppressed so that we can carry on functioning on a day-to-day basis but they still have to come out somewhere eventually. I don’t really remember too much about chemo and losing hair etc as it was just so traumatic. It’s almost like it happened to someone else.
It’s strange that my sister (but not me) has been automatically referred to a pyschologist which she has found very helpful. My sister doesn’t have bc - she’s having a double mx and reconstruction because she’s at high risk of bc. Yet I’ve had to go through that plus chemo plus hair loss plus rads plus recon delay/damage because of rads plus ovary removal/menopause at 36 plus hormone therapy plus ongoing check-ups for the next 5 years plus fear that, like my mother, I may not live to see my children reach adulthood… yet bc patients don’t seem to routinely be offered psycological help. My sister thinks i should ask for it but I don’t know that I could face up to yet more appointments and I would find it incredibly difficult to talk face-to-face with someone the way we are able to here.
I have found it helpful to read the articles that Peter Harvey (pyschologist) has written - I’ll try and find the links to them. Also, JaneRA who often posts on here has written some very thought-provoking and insightful articles about various issues on her website which I have found helpful - if you read this Jane, thank you for these. The website is janera.co.uk
It’s certainly reassuring to know that it’s not just me that feels like this!
Here’s the link - there’s two articles by Dr Peter Harvey - the first is about when treatment finishes and the second is about the perils and pitfalls of positive thinking.
“where ladies of all ages shapes and sizes are flashing their boobs after having a shower”. You ARE one of those women, who are of all shapes and sizes! The women in my gym don’t flash their boobs, they just get changed. And I’m sure it’s the same in yours. You have nothing to be fearful about. Bit by bit you will learn to accept your new self. Don’t rush yourself: there’s no point.
The helpline on here is very good, or might want to think about contacting the Cancer Counselling Trust, or are you near one of the Breast Cancer Havens?
Nicola is right, the Peter Harvey stuff is great. I hope the return to work is ok. Great that you’re planning to do the 5k run: I’m gonna try too!
hi Diddly
I too felt very low after my mastectomy. I got quite depressed and was very down that I had to loose my breast. I did go to the doctor who prescribed anti depressants but I really wanted someone to talk to and thought counselling was the best way forward so didnt take them. I eventually went and told the breastcare nurse how I was feeling and she was able to put me in touch with a counsellor. It was great for me to have someone to talk to and explore what I was feeling and why. I believe I was suffering from post traumatic stress and was going thru a period of bereavement regarding the loss of my breast. I was usually someone who could cope with life and help others but my coping skills seemed to have vanished after the breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. The counselling helped me a lot and I still feel sad at times but am a lot better than I was.I too found going to the gym or swimming difficult and waited for a cubicle to change in.There was only the one!! I also withdrew myself from the world a bit not wanting to talk to anyone but again the counselling really helped me.I also attend a breast cancer support group.The ladies are all so friendly and understanding.I wish you all the best .
Gabby
i too have been feeling very low, i’ve got a thread on here is it normal to feel so low after treatment. I feel i can’t face the outside world and want to hide. I have panic attacks going to a busy environment and the fear of getting back to normal is frightening.
I read the peter harvey link and cryed and cryed and can’t stop crying. Its almost coming up to a year as i was dx on 21.12.07 and the first anniversary of birthdays, weddings , dx is so upsetting,
Try and keep your chin up and its okay to cry.
sukes
Hi everyone,
Thank you for all the kind and reassuring comments. I feel a lot brighter today. Earlier in the week i bought myself a good pair of running shoes and went for my first run today. I haven’t run in 25 years so took it steady 2mins walking 2mins running etc. completed 5k. My neighbour joined me and we did the same course as we walked round in may when we did Race for Life. ONLY NEXT MAY IM GONNA RUN…
Hi to all …x
It feels such a relief to hear that you are all feeling the same … Same timelines, i was 31 when dx in Aug 07 - my son was 3 months old it feels like everybody else has looked after him, when all i wanted to do was be his mummy so that was my job!.. Chemo finished in mar 07 and rads in Apr…i had reconstruction done in Oct just gone and am still recovering i.e not being able to lift my son for 6 weeks and drive (have gone stir crazy!!)
when going through the treatment you are focused and caught up in it all, its only when this is finished, you realise and the shock hits home what you have been through, this is when the anger and frustration kicks in especially when you have sooooo many reminders from scars and aches and pains.
My family won’t even say cancer … i get the C word … or what you had ! with the attitude of it wasn’t that bad … you are still here etc. I felt and still do, that family and close loved ones get fed up with it all with what feels like a long haul of 16 months and t still hasn’t finished in my heart and my head but to them it either didn’t happen or its in the past and i should just be happy and get on with life as i was before all this.
Just feel sooooo tired, drained and low, i just want to be a happy mummy for my son … he mean the world to me x