Awful @lumpybyebye my one year anniversary of diagnosis is next week, to be honest can’t wait to get it out the way as all I’ve done this week is think ‘this time last year….’ would I go back, no because then I didn’t think I’d get through it….
Sending you lots of love 
Love the idea of a rage room @tessie86 x
2am
Stupidly watched ‘Kylie’ before bed. Now caught in an over thinking loop. Her 2nd primary recurrence after 15yrs. So, my head has taken me to having a recurrence in the future, then having a freak out…
Just can’t get away from cancer once you’ve had it. Stays on your mind. No wonder oncologists never say you are cancer free.
ARSE
@lumpybyebye I am SO where you are right now. My cancer is TNBC, and my active treatment finishes next Wednesday with my last RT. There is no further treatment for me for this primary. Scared shitless that I will be thinking and worrying about recurrence all day, every day. I will need to learn some coping strategies I think or the men in white coats will have to take me away!!
Hope you managed to calm your mind and get some rest 
Oh @lumpybyebye wish I’d come on here at 2am when I was awake as well over thinking - and then I over think the fact I’m over thinking because it’s not meant to be good for you! Like @eddiesmum said coping strategies needed to be learnt I think…..
@eddiesmum I’m exactly the same. I finished radiotherapy last week and I just feel so sad and scared. No more options for TNBC. Finishing treatment after all these months is a real anticlimax, and although I’m relieved treatment is over, it’s never really over iykwim. Everyone expects me to be happy and celebrate the ‘end’ of treatment, but I just feel flat and numb and weary.
I’m waiting for cancer counselling (via a charity run at the hospital) so I’m hoping that will help 
@lumpybyebye I want to watch the Kylie documentary but I’m also a bit wary of what feelings it will stir up.
And I hate hearing of reoccurrence or new primaries so long after initial diagnosis and recovery. Like you say, it’s never really over and that is really scary and exhausting.
@poptart I have a friend who is TNBC (diagnosed 2021) and she said it never goes away you just learn to live with it which I suppose is something we will all do, either TN or HR we are all going to have to learn to live with the fear that is only normal to have, no one is alone we all get it and it’s important to keep talking especially to each other who completely understand
I’m off to see breast surgeon today to see if the MDT have agreed on my treatment plan yet! Xx
@loupy @poptart @eddiesmum I’ve given my head a wobble. Taken myself for counselling aka hairdresser for a hair dye n trim! Sarah my hairdresser had bc a few years ago … we chat n style. Cheaper than therapy and a lot more laughter plus bonus hairstyle. 
*self care first
@lumpybyebye hair dressers are always a good option for no nonsense counselling!! Well, I don’t quite have enough hair to justify that one yet, but hopefully wont be too long. I’m definitely too scared to watch Kylie now, I was going to, so thanks for the warnign as it probably wouldn’t be good for me right now.
@eddiesmum and @poptart feel same as you with TNBC, a bit cut adrift now treatment is over . I think I am kind of resigned to it coming back at some point in the future, as i just can’t see enogh reasons to believe it won’t. Sorry, that sounds really negative, but maybe i’m just thinking the worst in order to hopefully be surprised by it NOT being like that? As me and my partner both have cancers that have a typically high risk of recurrence, we are both just too scared to think about the future and are just thinking let’s at least hopefully have 5 wonderful years together if possible, and then anything else is a bonus. Live in the moment, when the moments are good..Actually not really sure where my head is, mostly in denial . Probably time to pursue counsellign options too, if I can work out how to do it xxx
wishing you all the best with appointment today xx
@nib32 I understand. Think and plan for the worst but hope for the best.
Hopefully it will all become easier to cope with in time
Like your thinking @lumpybyebye! Hairdressers appointment indicated I think
@nib32 and @poptart I too have found myself resigning myself to a recurrence…definitely hoping for the best and prepare for the worst 
I think I may be older than most of you on this thread (70 in October) and so I have less future to worry about. I say to myself that if I get another 10 years, I’ll be happy…may not feel that way in 10 years time though, I’ll want more 
I’m going to try-very hard-to take each day as it comes and enjoy all of it. Apart from my VERY sore underboob from RT, I am currently in good health all told, so hubby and I are going to start booking some hols to look forward to…we all need something to aim for I think
I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels a recurrence is probably inevitable. I’ve been on the rubbish side of the statistics all the way through so far, and I think that has prompted my feeling of ‘when’ rather than ‘if’. Maybe that mindset will change as time goes on.
A local reoccurrence or a new primary is one thing (and would be bad enough) but it’s metastasis that really scares the crap out of me.
I really think counselling is the way forward for me, as I need to find a way to cope with the anxiety long term.