painful feelings

painful feelings

painful feelings …going through spells of being very tearful and weepy…i was at a work presentation today about a new project which sounds very exciting. it should be, because it was my idea. i introduced the two main people to each other, and gave them a lot of ideas…and then i got f****** breast cancer. so while they were developing it i was shuttling in and out of hospital…still having chats and supplying ideas…now it’s just about to get off the ground, i’ve struggled back to work one day a week which is all i can manage…i’m sitting on the sidelines and i feel angry and jealous and bitter. i wanted to be part of it, and i had to sit there today listening to other people taking the credit. of course, they’ve done all the work, i wasn’t able for it and am barely managing the work i’m doing…physically it’s OK but emotionally i’m still really shaky. on the way home i burst into tears in the car and haven’t stopped crying since…rationally, i know that if i had been fit i would undoubtedly have got the top job, and i may well become involved as i continue to recover…i also know that my friend who did get the top job has really valued my support and input and would love to have me on board if it were possible but there’s no funding. i just seem to be going through a huge grief reaction at the moment that i didn’t have time for while i was having treatment because i was in survival mode…rather than beating myself up for having these feelings i need to accept them and let them pass through…

For catkin19 Hi catkin19

You sound like you are having such a troubled time at the moment. Have you thought of phoning the BCC helpline? You can talk to someone here confidentially about your feelings or any problems you have. The staff who are either breast care nurses or trained staff with experience of breast care issues may be able to offer some advice in how to lift your spirits.

The number to ring is freephone 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
I hope this helps.

Kind regards
BCC Host

For Catkin19 from Catkin Hi Catkin19
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time at the moment. It is normal to feel like you have been describing after you have had treatment and are struggling to manage living with cancer as well as trying to work. Weeping in the toilet at work was the norm for me for ages- particularly on Fridays when tiredness made me more vulnerable to feeling emotionally drained and upset.

I needed antidepressants for about a year at first but got better and stronger gradually.

Wishing you all the best as you get back to being able to manage work even better.

Love CKxx

Yes, give it time I know how you feel. I had nearly two years of treatment thanks to having a very aggressive her2 positive cancer and that did a real number on my ability to work. The whole thing was very frustrating and hard to get people to understand (since they figured that I should be sooo happy at still being alive, which I am, I am just angry at having to pick up all the pieces of my once glowing career again). I was in survival mode for a very long time due to a bleak prognosis and know what you mean about a delayed grief reaction, although in my case it is more anger over the crappiness of the treatments.

Things will get better. If anything, I find that I am much more efficient than before, if only because I had to develop lots of tricks to survive while on herceptin, since I developed severe insomnia and a generally inability to string a sentence together (which basically wrecked my ability to get a large part of my job done). David Allen’s Getting Things Done was particularly helpful, although I don’t know if I could have gotten my head around it if I hadn’t read that the trick was to look at the overview on page 139 first.

Your energy level will also pick up as time goes by. I read that a 1/2 hour walk a day can help after treatment. I don’t personally know that it works after treatment, but I did it during radiotherapy and I didn’t have a fatigue problem afterwards.

Last week I got some public praise for a job that last year I seriously thought I was going to have to pack in, so hang in there: it does get better.

Take care,
Christine