I wonder how common this is - few seem to talk about it. Most say their partners say things like “I don’t care about your breasts, as long as you are ok and they get rid of the cancer.”
Here’s the background in brief: We’d been together 2 years when I was diagnosed 2 years ago. The month before my diagnosis he had just finished an unsuccessful 3 month treatment for Hep C, which had made him very fatigued and given him various unpleasant side effects. So the timing has been awful.
Two months after diagnosis I had a bi-lateral mx, with no recon, (because I needed rads). My partner can’t look at the scars, or touch them. He says he wishes I had covered up my scars while they were healing. He found the sight of the red swollen scars difficult to see. And so this is partly why he has struggled to come to terms with my flat scarred chest. I mistakenly assumed that after we first looked at my scars together that it would be best to be open about them and not cover up, so that the scars wouldn’t be taboo. We didn’t have a discussion at the time about how to deal with coming to terms with no breasts and the scars. I did what i thought was best, but maybe it would have helped if I’d asked how he felt at the time?
After the double mastectomy I had chemo and rads then tamoxifen (I am now cancer free so far as anyone can tell). It became clear things weren’t right as he withdrew from me and stopped touching me over the months following the surgery. He became bad tempered and angry. I found out fully how he felt when we had couples therapy. Due to how i now know he feels about my appearance I feel embarrassed to be naked in front of him, even getting changed or after a shower. I used to be an uninhibited woman, who loved sex and now I have lost all that. I worry I may never get it back. Even after the recon (which I hope will happens in a few months time) I will still have scars.
Am I alone? Is my partner unusually negative or is it only natural he feels like this? After all, it isn’t like I didn’t find it hard to adjust to my appearance as well.
I hope there are others out there who have had similar experiences. Surely all partners aren’t paragons of virtue? And at least he is being honest about how he feels rather than just giving me platitudes?
Thoughts anyone?
Ninianne
Hi there, so sorry to hear your going through this, its bad enough having to deal with it ! I am having a mx tomorrow, diagnosed in July and had 2 lumpectomies and still no clear margins, so this is the only sure way to deal with it… I don’t know how I am going to feel let alone my husband, but I think it may just take time to adjust, I cannot give you any advice on it as i am just about to experience what you are going through, I find this site good to get advice so hopefully someone will be able to give you their story and help you out…lots of postive hugs for you …x
Ninianne, always remember you are more than just your boobs! beauty comes from the inside and not the out, fortuneatly i didnt have the same problems that your haveing with your partner thankfully so sending massive big hugs to you , mine couldnt careless if i was scarred,boobless, bald, fat or whatever, and if he had, i think i would have kicked him into touch! Sorry, i know that proberly doesnt help, but YOU are going through this awfull body and mind adjusting rubbish in your life and you need support and to be feeling loved for who you are, and not what you look like. You dont need to be made to feel embarrassed infront of anyone ,you are still you and always will be ,and if your partner doesnt see that and beyond the scars then it is his problem to work through, if he cant or wont ,then find someone who will love you for who you realy are scars and all.
Huge hugs pet.
Linda 
xx
Ninianne, I cant say I have exactly the same problem as you, as I had a lumpectomy and axillary clearance, so still have both boobs (albeit one is rather scarred), but my partner is also unresponsive. There is another thread in the Blue section on the left ‘Talk to Others in a Similar Situation’ in the family partners and others section, about problems with partenrs that you may find helpful .
Sending hugs xxxx
Ninianne,
It makes it hard when your partner reacts badly. I have been married for 35 years. I had my Mx in June. I kept the result private until just before the visit to the hospital where I knew he would see it anyway. I gave him the choice whether to see it first and he agreed that was a good idea. His reaction was awful - saying it was ugly and brutal. He seemed angry and I was really not ready for this reaction.
He has been through Chemo with me now and we are about to rebuild some sort of life. When I read your post I realised we have had little physical contact since - I even have to ask for a hug when it all gets too much. Last night I asked him straight out how he felt now about my scar. He replied that as I had been very “discreet” about dressing and undressing he hadn’t seen it. Discreet? I undress in front of him and opposite our bed are huge mirror wardrobes! I apply Bio Oil, adjust the prothesis and all the rigmarole. Its not that he hasnt seen, it is that he chooses not to.
It is just another grief to add to the pile. He has been supportive in his own way - not very practical but there if needed. I guess he is grieving for what was too. For me it means that this has changed our relationship and while I am sad about that, I will have to work at what it will become. I guess we are now more about companionship, I dont know.
I hope you work things out and find the best solution for you both. Hugs xxxx
You poor women…I agree with Cornishgirl…we are more than our boobs…I have been married to my second husband for 20 odd years and showed him my mx on the day it was done… I was crying my eyes out and all he said was he was glad my cancer had gone…since then he hasn’t batted an eyelid!!!..it might be that we are older…have been together longer or whatever but I think that everyone is different…Ninianne…he should be grateful that you are still here and in my opinion needs to get over himself…incidentally…you will see that this is my second marraige…my first one would’ve ran a mile if I had been dx when we were together…
Before I looked down the replies, I knew you were not going to be alone - there have beenmany similar threads on here in the past.
It is difficult for us blokes - we are not as well equipped as you ladies for disussing feelings.We are also scared about upsetting you, and sometimes that fear means we behave in ways that end up hurting you more. We also find ourselve in a very uncomfortable position when dealing with something like a mastectomy. We may have spent many years telling you how much we like your body, how we love your boobs, and all of a sudden we have to say the don’t matter any more.
For me personally we are fortunate they my wife only had a WLE, but it has left her with scars. We are coming up to two years since her first surgery, so her scars are nice and gentle now, but I love them. Not because they are inherently pretty or anything like that, but because of what they mean - I get to keep her.
Paul.
Thanks largerbloke for giving us the male perspective - “from the horses mouth” as it were (No offence!). I was about to reply that maybe your men are frightened of hurting you more. They are appalled at the brutality of surgery and think that it’s the ACTUAL wounds that give us so much grief rather than all the cr*p that comes with BC, and daren’t touch us for fear of causing pain.
My OH had an operation to pin a broken leg just before I had my WLE. I don’t like to look at the scar on his ankle but that’s easy to avoid. Men don’t make any secret of the fact that they like our boobs, so is it any wonder that a mx knocks them for six too? Be nice. REMIND him you are still you underneath and have merely, as my BCN put it, lost an extremity. If he can’t come to terms with that, THEN is the time to wonder why you are together! I think my OH having his op saved him from going down the same route as yours. He understood a little better.
Try to talk about it together. Some of his anger could well be sexual frustration - I know my OH gets in a foul mood when he’s not getting it - - as if that will help the situation!! 