dear Welshgirl
thank you so much for your real and honest posting in the early hours -I would think that it, and all the postings after it will help a lot of people coming to that stage.
There is so much emotional fall out from this, isn’t there, when in one appointment you can go from being a positive,optimistic, successful woman in the middle of the life you have spent years building up, to someone utterly reliant on others for your very life.
How can we not struggle with that?
then you have months of treatment - invasive, damaging treatment - that you get through with the support of the medical/nursing team, and through all that time, there is that beacon of hope ‘all this will pass’.
So it does, and then you feel worn out, not yourself, in no-mans land, scared, out on a limb, you look different, you want to cover scarring but part of you thinks you shouldn’t have to, you’re frightened of the future and you miss the care and support you’ve been given - and then some nugget comes up and gives you a well meaning hug, and others congratulate you because ‘you’ve done it’ and you are supposed to be elated all the time because you’ve come through it all.
But actually, you haven’t. You’ve started the journey and climbed the first hill (and it was a b*gger!)but there are other hills and valleys to go through. Some of them ARE glorious and some days you feel ready to take on anything and everything, singing as you do it, but other days you need to turn inward and look after yourself. And some days you feel this wonderful peace and life is good, then other days you are in a black hole and things look bleak and frightening or you are so full of rage at the hand dealt to you that you need to be alone or you would have a fight.
Or is that just me???
I’m 51 and this is my second diagnosis. I was 38 the first time. Physically, this one has been tougher and is more aggressive, plus, because its in the breast tissue/chest wall left after a mastectomy, I’m in a bit of a dodgy place, in terms of risk/the future.
But psychologically, this time has been much easier because I understand the trauma of it and took advantage of the psychology service, made sure that I picked my companions carefully (mainly the people who supported me last time)and am kinder to myself.
This forum has been a lifeline to me - I haven’t been on so much recently because I am moving back into the other parts of my life, but to have a place where all our fears, anguishes and anger can be ‘spoken out loud’ is such a great support.
2 years after my first diagnosis, I was sitting in my car, at traffic lights and I just realised that I had moved into a new normality, and the more I tried to move back into the old one (mainly for the sake of family, friends and colleagues)the harder it was to function.
In my old normality I was a mess, I felt disfigured, overweight, lost and emotionally battered, and I felt guilt because I had survived when others hadn’t and yet I was miserable.
But in my new normality I was stronger than before, I had new life lessons tucked under my belt, and I was still around for my kids and OH (kids were 11 and 9 when I was diagnosed) and they loved me.
The point of all this is to say that there is a good life possible after bc, for most of us, but we need to give ourselves time and care, and be our own best friend. Thats not always easy to do, so we need this forum to support each other.
We all have our own way of travelling the journey and we all start at a different place and have different diagnoses, but we can share our traumas and good times and we can care for each other, and that makes a big difference.
This was going to be a two line comment and it has turned into a novella - sorry!
good luck to all of us lets keep on listening and hearing
xxx monica aka pollyanna