Poor relationship with brother - now none..

Hi - I know this is an odd moan, but it’s preying on my mind at the moment. My relationship with my brother has deteriorated ever since his wedding (when he & his wife tried to get the money back on an expensive wedding present I’d given them, after asking if it was what they wanted). We have managed to be civil to each other, but he & his wife have never acknowledged my children’s birthdays (which my brother did before he was married) in any way, shape or form and Christmas is just when they next see the kids (March 2007 at a family wedding). There have been a hundred other small hurts, and I admit I have inadvertently made comments that have caused his somewhat sensitive wife some grief (saying bad things about Ikea decor caused trouble apparently as she is addicted to the place!), and I’m sure I have done other things too.

When I realised my brother and his wife were having trouble conceiving, I even seriously considered discussing with my OH the idea of surrogacy for them. However, I decided they had treated my children so appallingly, why on earth would I help them out?

My brother and his wife finally adopted 2 kids last August. I have never seen them. Last Xmas presents were posted for my kids for the first time. I returned the presents and left them on their doorstep. It was too little too late, and why should I buy presents for 2 children I’d never even seen? They only bought gifts so I’d feel obliged to buy for theirs. My daughter wanted to be a “good cousin” and bought the kids presents with her OWN hard-earned money. She was never thanked for it.

My brother lives 15 miles away from me.

When I realised I had BC, before knowing how bad it was (grade 3, 50mm tumour, chemo etc) I decided I would phone my brother and tell him, as my Mum felt unable to tell anybody else in the family because I’d expressly forbade her from telling him. It was a 20 second conversation. His reaction was “I’m sorry to hear that, thanks for letting me know. Goodbye”.

I have had absolutely nothing from him since, not a get-well card or anything. Apparently after some weeks he did make enquiries of Mum & Dad as to how I was doing, but that’s been the one and only time - and he got a really hard time from them for not being there to support them etc

The reason for my thread is this really, my family is very private and we don’t generally like things getting out. However, I feel my brother has behaved in a reprehensible manner and I no longer have one. Obviously, the extended family are unaware of the situation. I did start to open the box on this secret by talking to an aunt (who is also appalled at some things he has done to my dad over the years). I just feel I want the family to know the situation, and not have any expectations of me if and when my brother and I ever meet again.

Any ideas? Tips? Please don’t say forgive and forget - it’s far too late for that.

Hi Sue

I’ve no advice, but am writing to tell you that I have a similar situation. My brother and I got on really well as kids, but now are not speaking.

He got married last Oct and I didn’t go because after a lot of shilly-shallying and me nagging him to fix the date/place as I have a job which means that my diary gets really booked up in advance, him saying he’d avoid the dates I couldn’t do, he booked it on a date I couldn’t do and didn’t invite my daughters (his only nieces, and then aged 3 1/2 amd almost 2). There was no explanation as to why they were not invited, and my husband has no relatives at all so there was no one we could leave, them with, a fact well known to my brother.

His wife sent Christmas presents for our girls.

I sent an e mail to tell him about my diagnosis but other than a text to say sorry to hear your news hope all goes well with op, I have heard nothing. no card etc just like you.

We live a long way from each other, but I don’t want my girls to miss out on having cousins if they have kids as I enjoy mine.

I guess I’m looking for words of wisdom too!!

Kinden
x

Hi

Can’t give any words of wisdom either (!) but I have this with my OH’s sister who lives about 7 miles away. I last saw her in February when it was our anniversary. Only see her at birthdays when she delivers cards or if we deliver them to her.

I feel really let down by her. If it was the other way round I would have been there for her every step of the way. I have seen her about 7 times since diagnosis last May. I feel that she should make the effort (is this selfish?) and really can’t be bothered with her. I remember lying here in the throes of the effects of chemo and she came and thrust a picture album in my face of her grand daughter - as if I felt like sitting there looking at them but being polite I did.It’s her birthday next week and I won’t go round to her house. I know it will cause OH discomfort but I really don’t want to to.

My brother only rings now and again and usually when he wants something. To be honest I feel really let down by a lot of people but not my sister. She has been an absolute star in all of this and she has her own troubles. Felt really down yesterday - OH and I went for a walk at Lytham and I was crying behind my sunglasses. He didn’t notice. It’s a year since diagnosis and a year on 15th June since mastectomy with Grade 3, HER2 pos, chemo, rads and now Herceptin for a year.

Love to you

Liz xx

Sometimes water is thicker than blood!

I have hardly seen my brother in the 40 years since I left home for University. We saw more of each other round the time when our parents died 10 years ago.

I saw him recently at an aunt’s funeral and he gave me a lift to the station. I felt sad as I got out of the car, wondering whether my funeral will be the next he attends…(he does funerals well but is less good with the living) but that’s a kind of nostalgic sadness. Though we shared childhood years we simply have nothing at all in common as adults.

No words of wisdom on this one.

Jane

Hi

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your brother, I havent spoken to my mother and stepdad for nearly a year as they let me down and broke the trust I had for them, Last year my partner was admitted to hospital for two weeks as he bowel had ruptured although they thought he may have cancer too, my mum offered to look after two of my kids for a week ( i have 6) but within two days they were on the phone to me in tears, nanna and grandad had been saying quite nasty and very innappropriate stuff to them, it broke my heart as they were two hundred miles away, i had 4 kids to look after, my partner in hospital and i dont drive so couldnt go and get them, i eventually got my sister to get them a couple of days later. When they got home and explained everything to me I telephoned them, cant repeat was said but basically they called my kids lying little shits and said they never wanted to see them again ( they were 8 and 10 ) needless to say they got their wish. It wasnt the first time my mother had gone against me so I know there is no going back, my kids dont deserve that after everything they have been through.

I know I am right in what i have done by severing all contact and basically i dont care what my family think and say, my kids come first and I will let nobody treat them the way they did.
If you are happy with your decision then it really doesnt matter what other people say or do, be yourself and look after your own

All the very best

I think that is the answer - if we are happy with our decision it doesn’t matter.

My dad has favoured my sister and her daughter (sis had her when she was 16) and really not considered me over the years. I only went round to see him now and again and he never came here. If I took the kids round he really didn’t acknowledge them and we were always greeted with some derogatory remark. But having said that there was no animosity I just accepted the fact. I remember a lady at work asking if I was happy with the situation and would I regret it when something happened to him. I said I would have no regrets because I know I didn’t do anything. It was a case of the more you did wrong the better you were thought of. My neice now has a daughter herself and it upsets me for my kids of the fuss he makes of her. Always taking pics etc. He never even came and took my 2 for a walk !! He’s just paid for a holiday for them both.

He got upset when I told him I had BC last year and was in contact (he lives about 10 miles away) but then that drifted off.

Ah well - life goes on xxx

HI all,

Thanks so much for your comments - it really helps to know it’s not just me! It is a shame when relationships turn sour for whatever reason, and I certainly freely admit I inadvertently had a part in that, but ultimately the fact is I no longer have a brother, and the two children he adopted are nothing to do with me biologically anyway, so it’s fairly easy to cut them out of my life. It’s the extended family and the complications that causes my parents that is my only concern, and I’ll do all I can to alleviate any suffering for them. The good news is my brother has shown himself in his true light to my parents, and they can’t fail to see I’ve done nothing wrong this time. The poor souls.

Suexx

I hope everybody being able to respond so openly to this thread has helped everyone with their problems. I admire you all for having the strength to know who/what is important and devoting yourselves to that.

To h*ll with the rest of them!

Sue xxx

Hi Sue and everyone

I responded to your post and wrote something quite lengthy, then I hit a key and everything vanished and I couldn’t retrieve it. Then the doorbell rang, then I forgot all about it. Sorry :frowning:

Sorry to hear about your problems with your bro. I’m in a similar situation with my sister. The only thing I can suggest is, you lead your life, he leads his, and when/if you’re thrown together, either be polite or ignore him. You’ll know what to do when the time comes.

My son’s getting married in two weeks’ time and I’ll see my sister then. I don’t know yet what I’ll do. I’ll probably be polite, say hello and that’s it. I won’t even ask how she is because I’m not interested.

Your situation is worse though because of your parents. Mine died a long time ago. Personally, I wouldn’t even mention your brother when talking to them because they’re going to be between a rock and a hard place because they love you both.

I hope the replies have helped. No, it’s not just you.

Good luck to us all.
xx

Hi Sue

I would love be able to give you a list of things you could do to sort this out but I cant. I have to say I am very lucky to have a great relationship with my two sisters and I would never have got through the last year without them but you were so kind to me when I crashed yesterday I can’t not respond to you here.

I don’t know about you but I found doing my post was very cathartic and just writing it down helped me alot. Your post today sounds as if you are more resigned to the situation not improving but if it’s going to continue to play on your mind maybe it might be worth one last effort at a reconciliation purely for your own peace of mind. You have written it all down here so why not do the same in a private letter to him. You could apologise for anything you have done to upset your SiL [but don’t grovel] and just say it is a shame things have got so bad that his children and your children cant enjoy a closer relationship. Then leave the ball in his court, if you get nothing back then at least you know you have done your bit and, whilst I’m sure you have no desire to enter into idle gossip amongst your family about him, at least you can hold your head up and say to your parents that you tried to make amends but to no avail.

I dont know if this helps but after your kindness yesterday I wanted to say Hi in return.

I know I am lucky to have such a good relationship with my sisters. My mum was killed in a car accident 16 years ago and whilst I still see my dad I have a much closer bond with my sisters. I’m not very close to MiL or SiL, they think I’m posh [I truly am not!] and I have always maintained that OH was swapped at birth cos he’s nothing like them.

Hope things work out for you.

AJxxx

Hi Sue

I read your post a couple of times as I wasn’t sure what to say or If I was going to post anything…I have trouble with my family and I have to say that they have been very difficult but in a different way than you say. So no its not just you, I feel I have far more in common with friends.

I think your brother and his wide trying to get the money back was incredibly rude!! But people do things like that.

You say that they didn’t acknowledge your childrens birthdays - but maybe the whole idea of children was difficult for them ? often people with no children just have no idea how central children are to their mother and father, or they dont find the same topics interesting as people with children (before I had my son i was not interested in baby talk, after I was as boring as the next mother!!) or maybe even it was just so hurtful for them as they couldnt conceive and had to adopt? Maybe there is an opening there for acknowledging each other - that things haven’t been perfect but there have been problems on both sides?

I know my sister didnt express any interest at all in my son until she had her first at 40.

Anyway I am just being devils advocate here, if the relationship is permanently finished , that is that, you should not feel guilt or be regretful, it seems like it is a real bonus if you can be close to a grown up sibling, but not the usual experience.

take care
Cathy

Hi Sue

I think what all of these posts highlight is that relationships break down in families or like some have found, there is nothing in common any more. So much is made of the “family” - the backbone of society, family this, family that, that when you find your family has flaws, you feel the odd one out. Good families are fantastic and a huge source of support, but a bad relationship within the family eats away at you and makes you feel terribly guilty. We can’t all get on and just have to accept that. I accept that I won’t see my brother again, unless it is an emergency and if I do, I don’t think I would have much to say to him. I don’t lose sleep over it now, although it did upset me at the time. I guess so much resentment brews as children that sometimes it too hard to put it behind you.

Cathy
x

Thank you all so much, it is good to get the opinion of people whose posts I have respected in the past. Families! I am resigned to it all, except for my parents, and I do avoid talking about him to them, which just adds to the “secrecy” which I find so hard to take.

Cathy (KatherineM) - I have made several attempts at reconciliation via phone calls and letters, but these have been rebuffed. I really do feel I no longer have a brother, and should we meet in the future, it will be as strangers. My brother’s wife ignored my children’s birthdays etc from when they were married, long before they could have been aware they had a problem.

Granny Scouser - all the best to you when you have to cope with your son’s wedding. You’ll be so busy you’ll never notice you barely said hello to her! And you’ll have plenty other bodies to hide behind!!

JaneRA - it’s all really rather sad isn’t it. But I suppose if there’s nothing left, there’s nothing left;.

Many thanks one and all, your input

AJ - you really have been through the mill, and I am so pleased for you that you have the support of not just your OH, but your sisters too. You are indeed lucky, despite all this! Glad you feel more “yourself” today - was concerned about you.

Anyway - enough. I will just have to wait and see what is said if and when we meet, which is bound to happen. Why did I fall for the mythical image of family relationships, instead of the reality?! lol

Many thanks and love to all

Sue xxx

Hi i have not spoken to my brother for four years i love him and do not wish him any harm but as a person he stinks.He knows i have been dealing with cheo and rads but when told he turned his back and walked away that is how my darling brother deals with problems.My son gets very angry to think his uncle does not care but i am learning this has been the same all my life and i have other ways of spending my energy dealing with bc and not with him.
We are better than them and it is them who have the problem and as long as we have the support of the people who care to us and for us is all we can ask mo

Absolutely Cornett. The problem is it hurts other people, like my parents. My children aren’t bothered about my brother. Daughter actually saw brother’s wife in town today and turned away so “aunt” couldn’t recognise her! I doubt she would anyway! I have good friends and some great family, and we are better than them. All the best to you in your treatment. Sue xx

I have no brothers and no sisters.My parents are dead.I would forgive any slight real or imagined to have that closeness of a blood family behind me.I have wonderful grown up children and they have children too.We have promised each other always to get hurts out in the open at once and try to “walk a while in the others shoes”.Families are about love not hurting each other.I do hope your brother sees the pain he has caused you and that you will be ready to accept him when he does.

Hello all!
I had to respond to this as by reading the thread I realise I’m not alone! I last heard from my sister when she sent me a nasty text the day before rads started [oct 05!!!] I phoned her and told her I loved and cared what happened to her but had bigger and more important things in my life and wasn’t prepared to get into an argument. I couldn’t tell her of my diagnosis for 2 months as she had made herself homeless - address unknown, when she did phone she didn’t have much to say- shock probably or so I thought! had a 3 word text a month later - “how r u” then… nothing! until the text which accused me of not bothering with her!!! what! anyway it makes me sad but I have a wonderful family and lots of dear friends. It would seem that many families have them- they have the problem but it still hurts. In the past I have been in touch and built bridges but enough is enough. we don’t need toxic people in our lives. take care all of you. Rosemary

bl/dy hell thank god you can choose you friends not your family. My two sons are not talking The youngest one getting married in Sept and older one not going to wedding . It’s breaking my heart , BC alone is more than enough to cope with. Bobbie

I have nothing really very much more to add to what has already been said but would just like to second Horace. I come from a large family - both immediate and extended - but while throughout our lives and at different times in each of our lives - including now - we have not always kept in touch or been on speaking terms - I would not be without my family. Years ago, in fact, despite all our fall-outs - and we have had many - and not insignificant ones - I used to pray that I would die first so that I would not have to bear the hurt of losing anyone from my family. Now, sadly, however, there is every possibility that this may very well be the case - and that, for various reasons, breaks my heart too.

In my view, whichever way you look at it, it is all just very upsetting.

xxx

So sad reading through all this.
I could write a book on my brother and also hubbys brother.
Can’t be bothered writing it all down here except to say I have learnt that I am responsible for the way i act the things i do and my conscience is clear which is nice to be able to say. I cannot change other ‘weird’ peoples attitudes and the way they act.

Also since DX i am trying to think more about ME surffice to say we have two elderly fathers who are so needy and as we are both caring considerate children we care for them unlike our brothers.

Give me ‘friends’ anyday.

Rx