Radiotherapy finished ten days ago.

Feel I am being stupid, But for the last five/six days all I seem to want to do is cry. Whether it is the result of the radiotherapy, I feel what is left of my boob has another lump and I cannot convice myself that I am all clear. I feel like asking my surgeon to remove the rest or at least organise an MRI. I feel so alone at the moment as my family are just so happy that as far as they are concerned everything is over. I get soooooooooo tired assuring everyone that I am fine and everything is rosy.
My own GP has been really good and given me some sleeping tablets which at least lets me sleep all night and I have to see her again in three weeks and if my mood is the same it will probably be a course of anti-depressants.
Sorry for going on but I just feel like the mask of ‘The Scream’ at the moment. Need to let off some steam.

Oh please don’t get so distraught, the lumpy feeling so soon after RT is just as I experienced in July and I was told it was normal. You are bound to be emotional and tearful some of the time you have taken quite a few shocks in recent months. My experience was of feeling exhausted and ‘blue’ for about a month after the RT was completed. Perhaps you ought to tell your family that although you are fine in respect of completed treatment you need some time to come to terms with all that has happened to you - maybe try a mutual comforting session so to speak but tell them how you need their support along with you giving them assurance that you are fine. Allow yourself to react to what’s been going on in recent months and ask them to allow this too.
Hattie.

Hi Laptalass
No you’re certainly not being stupid. I felt just the same when my radiotherapy finished. You need to be very kind to yourself. Pamper yourself and have some treats. You’ve been through a bad time and now you need to rest and recover. The problem is that family and friends just don’t understand. They think that now the radiotherapy is finished it’s back to normal. Only people who’ve been there understand.
We tell everyone that we’re fine because it’s the easy option and we don’t want to appear to be moaning.
The people on this site are amazing. There’s always someone who’s been there and done it, who understands that sometimes to need to rant and let off steam.
Honestly things will improve. You will feel better but it takes time to come to terms with everything.
If you’re worried about the ‘lump’ I would speak to someone about it. Do you have a BCN? It might be the radiotherapy which has affected the tissue but you need to know. Worrying about it isn’t doing you any good.

Lots of love and hugs.

Jan xxxx

thank you for taking the time to post a reply. I think I will phone BCN for a chat. Can’t understand where all this has come from suddenly, during treatment I was fine. Just need to try and get back on track.
Your good wishes mean a lot. Thank you.

Irene

dear laptalass, I think we keep going through the treatment and then when it stops all the emotional stuff comes up. When you think what trauma we go through from the moment of dx and we keep going, we have to. Then when the treatment is over, all the feelings are bound to surface.I would encourage you to stay with these feelings, express them and then you can move on.
I myself felt horiible for a few weeks but it passes and it’s all part of this sh… disease
Best wishes Leadie

Hi Irene, you will get back on track but it will take some time for you to recover from all you’ve faced this year. I was diagnosed in January of this year and returned to work only two weeks ago having allowed myself the time to deal with all the issues diagnosis raised. Each of us will get through diagnosis and treatments but in our own way and pace. I think we all ‘suffer’ a kind of relief when treatments are complete and we then let ourselves give in to the emotional reaction that we’ve kept a tight hold on while undergoing all the tests, operations, treatments etc. Talking to your BCN will help, and ‘chatting’ here at the website will help too. Do not be hard on yourself or feel you have to be 100% right now and for all people; let your body and your mind recover from all it’s traumas, look after yourself and allow yourself to gradually get into the swing of daily living and I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Hattie

this all sounds familiar to me ! My radiotherapy finished at exactly the same time as a job I was working on (I illustrate books) and suddenly being dumped out of the other end of the treatment treadmill was a shock…I think that everything just happens so quickly and one thing follows another that you just don’t have time to stand back and think about everything that has happened, so when the active treatment ends it is a huge shock. But it does pass I promise - I felt so churned up and quite wretched at times but gradually things slot into place again and you get a sense of perspective back.
Am sure someone can link to the very good paper written by the psychologist about when treatment has finished- his name escapes me !! Physically,as others have said,the lumpiness is most probably scar tissue/rads damage - I have this too. xxchipperxx

Hi ladies,

My rads finished in July and it wasn’t really till after it finished that I started having trouble with the boob that I’d had the lump removed from. I’d already had the moodiness, put that down to being on Arimidex and the fact that when the main treatment finishes I think we all feel a bit odd. I saw the lovely lady at the Lymphoedema clinic a few weeks ago as my boob was hurting and the scar area was very hard and the underside of the boob was swollen, lumpy and hot. She told me I had Lympoedema and Cellulitis and put me on a course of antibiotics, and told me to wear a supportive sports bra (I only usually wear vests with support which isn’t enough), she said the bouncing was irritating the scar tissue. I’ve had the antibiotics for 3 weeks now, one more week to go then I have a course of MLD at the clinic. I also have been worried about the hardness of the area under my scar and I’m hoping it is just scar tissue and nothing more sinister.

Helen x

Everybody else seems to think that once you finish “active” treatment that is you done and dusted ,let’s get back to normal ! Hmmm doesn’t quite work like that tho, that is why these forums are great, at least we know we arn’e going mad , well, not totally.
It is certainly a time thing… you have got to give yourself time to adjust and come to terms with everything,be nice to you.

Helen,I have had a course of MLD ,made a difference and keep up with the self massage,have good days and not so good days with lumpy boob.I too have a sizeable area of hardness around and underneath my scar,am just putting it down to scar tissue,but because of the lymphodema in boob as well can’t say I will much be looking forward to my next mammogram ! Ouch !

Sandra x

Hi Everyone

Just to say for those who are having difficulty sleeping I’ve been trying a hyponotherapy CD which I downloaded from the net and it’s really helped. Was a bit worried at first that I might go into a hypnotic trance and not come out of it!!! But it’s OK that’s not the case.

You can get the CD’s for stress and anxiety and all sorts of things.

I’ve never used anything like this before but I have to say that I’m impressed.

Hope you are all OK

Love Jan xxx