really scared

I have posted this on behalf of new user markd
Kind Regards
Sam
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

hello, im 37yrs old male and on thursday was told i have bc. i just keep looking at my two beautiful kids and break down crying. i argued with my wife last night accusing her of not helping when i know she is. i am really struggling.

i had a wound that would not heal on my nipple. saw the gp who sent me away. that was around april. went back to see a diff gp 4 weeks ago who tried creams for a week. that did not work so went private to see a surgeon. he arranged for a biopsy and a ultra sound scan. the scan came back normal so i was pretty positive about the results of the biopsy.

i was going to have surgery to remove the nipple on sat just gone but after waiting in the room for what seemed like eternity the consultant came in and said that they want to do another biopsy instead and then have the full mastectomy on thurs (2 days from now).

The first bio said it was DCIS intermediate grade. im now petrified that the second one will come back worse. The suspected pagets disease but could not confirm in the first bio.

I really need help. I want to see my kids grow they are only 3 and 6 and dont know why daddy is so upset.

Mark

Hi Mark

I was 36 when i was diagnosed in 2005 with Breast cancer and like you have two children. I had a mastectomy on the left hand side and lymph node clearance. I too went through all the same emotions you are going through but you mustn’t push away the person closest to you.
After the initial shock of being told we talked and decided that we would get through it together and be as positive as possible! It may seem hard now but you have to be strong. This last two years has brought us closer together.

I used this website a lot for information and if you haven’t been given it yet ask for the binder about Breast Cancer in Men produced by Breast Cancer Care.

You can and will get through this if you stay positive.

If you want to discuss anything then just post on here again.

Kind regards,

Stuart W

Mark

You can download that publication Men with Breast Cancer from the information section of the website if you haven’t got already?

Stuart

Hi Mark,

You are in that awful stage that is the waiting game. As Stuart says, please try and be strong and take one day at a time. Your emotions are bound to be all over the place. You are not alone. Please post any questions. We are here for you.

Best wishes to you and your wife at this difficult time.

Margaret x

Mark
Good luck with your op- to you and your family. My husband, Jim had his on 5.9.07 and recovered really well.Our kids are older 22, 17 and 13 and found it hard but seem ok now. We have been to Christies today and Jim starts Chemo next Wed- 6 doses. I feel selfish when i get upset and worry about making him worse. Keep talking - to each other and to friends.
Best wishes, Wendy

thank you for ur words of support…i am really struggling with this as u can tell…in 30mins im off to my badminton club to get rid of some anger…can you let me know some of your stories as i think it will really help to listen to them.

Hi Mark

it is a very emotional time when you are waiting for results, I cried and phoned everyone so I could just to chat and take my mind off it day and night, when I was first told the news I burst into tears and said “oh my God I’m going to die” my results were a 55mm grade 3 tumour, that was after the GP and hospital phaffed around for 3 months speculating it was a cyst as I was 41 last year, I had clear lymph and sentinal node but embarked on 6 FEC chemo’s regardless of that…I was terribly ill on the FEC but would do it all again if God forbid I had too. 25 rads down the line I am now finished treatment as I am triple negative and feeling great, its been a long journey and one that I didnt even know I was going to take this time last year, but nearly one year later I am still here to tell the story…

My advice is to let the anger out in whatever way you can, I used to scream and shout, try to stay upbeat and positive, I think it helps seeing the glass half full, support from friends and family is essential, they have really pulled me through this and this site has helped too, I dont think I could have done it without that, but you do get strength from somewhere, this site will help greatly…

remember things have advanced and prognosis has changed so there is always hope and drugs, that just leaves me to say it does get better once you know what path you are taking, it makes you feel more in control…

best wishes for your journey

Pamela
XXXX

Hi Mark,

Go and get that exercise - a great idea! I had op, chemo and rads last year. Had to work throughout as I was in publishing with a monthly deadline and no one else could step in. But it was a good distraction! No time to dwell. Take it a day at a time - so go and have a good game tonight!

Margaret x

thank you so much…i feel so out of control, my life is going to end and that nobody understand this. when im with my kids i just want to hold them which obviously confuses them. i feel that doing things to get through the day is just false. I go tommorrow to get results of my second nipple biopsy and just pray to god that i get some decent news. wed and thurs are going to be hell i just dont know what to think, how to sleep and be a good dad and husband at the sametime. The emotion is now on the anger stage and i snapped at my kids for something silly just now and that got my tears rolling again. That shuttlecock is going to lose all it feathers tonight and i hope that nobody calls any tight line calls out on me or my racquet may hit the wall

Hi Mark

i think much of today being better is that you’ve started to take control back. First posting here, then getting that tooth sorted. Everything seems to get out of control and you feel like you’re on a roller coaster ride, but, it does settle again and things will look brighter.

Telling the kids needn’t be too bad either, they already know something is wrong with Daddy, and they’ll be concerned. They may even think it is something to do with them! But you don’t need to go into great detail, just explain very simply that Daddy is poorly and that he needs to have an operation and some medicines to make him better. They will ask any questions they need then. Sometimes you need to tell them a few times, but in a way it also helps you sort it straight.
all the best for thursday

Hi Mark

You will feel like that for a while, I used to snap at my family, but I told them what to expect and that if I did I didnt mean it, they will understand, I cant speak about kids because I dont have any, but they are far more resilliant than we give them credit for…

I will be thinking about you tomorrow and hope that it is good news, just take each day as it comes my love and it will start to fall into place, dont speculate it will drive you nuts, I couldnt settle and was offered a sedative from my GP but refused, I kept jumping and waking up at night for a while, now I sleep really well, try not to be superman it wont work you need to get yourself sorted out, I’m sure your wife will understand I was so lucky my other half has been great, just make sure you share things with her and dont shut her out…

just because you are a man doesnt mean you cant cry, just let it out, oh and give the shuttle cock a good thrashing if it helps…

best wishes Mark, let us know how you got on with the results

Pam XX

MODERATOR - I am not sure why there are 2 of these posts can you not combine them, thanks Pam.

Hi Mark

The booklet ‘Men with Breast Cancer’ mentioned above can be downloaded or read on-line at the following link:-

breastcancercare.org.uk//docs/bcc_men_update06_0.pdf

I hope you find this helpful

Kind regards

Katie
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

Hi I have found the other post

Pam

Hi Pam,

I was looking for it too!

Moderator, yes please amalgamate them. Thanks.

Margaret

Hi Margaret i have sent them an email to ask as well…

Pam XX

Goodo Pam.

Mark, we are thinking of you. Please post later.

Margaret x

Hi all

After discussion, we have decided to leave both threads running to increase the level of support to Mark.

Best wishes

Lucy
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care

Hi Mark,

It’s a very difficult time you are facing, I know I was and still am to some extent an emotional wreck. It’s always difficult for loved ones to know how to respond. In my case my other half or better half as i like to call him has been fab - my daughters 22 & 20 are at uni but call me at least once a day. My youngest found it quite hard to accept initially and seemed to be angry at me. We have got over that now.

But like you I want to see my daughters grow up [they never do in parents eyes] and hopefully have some grand children.

Just had my second lot of chemo yesterday, so good excuse to be lazy and post on here today.

Pamela, I’ve had a similar experience went to breast clinic in Dec 06. had the usual was tols cysts - sent off with no follow up. returned in april 07 lump harder, larger. FNA was attempted 3 week wait for result. inconclusive told to take evening primrose oil - they seem to like that down here - did try tp push for a further scan told not necessary. attended my gp in july with bloody discharge from nipple. disillusioned with NHS went privately was seen the same month for WLE and axillary clearance. have the works now.

I’m left feeling very angry and guilty. I should have been more insistent.

anyways rant over, just happy to be here.

Good luck Mark I hope all goes well.

Lyndsey x

Mark

I had my mastectomy at the end of July 2005 just when the kids and my wife had broken up for the school Holidays. After the Op I was told that they found four lumps which were all removed and they had removed the lymph nodes also as 3 had been affected. I was so relieved that they had taken everything affected away.
When I got back home I had a drain in my side to get rid of excess fluid which was a bit awkward at times but after a few days that was taken away. I did have trouble sleeping for a little while, but if you do tell your Dr/Oncologist and they will prescribe you something to help with that.
I was then told by my Oncologist that the best course of action would be to have 4 months of Chemo, then 3 weeks of Radiotherapy and then because my Cancer was HER2+++ he recommended Herceptin.
After having the family around me for all of the Summer Hols it was time for them to go back to School and for me to start Chemo. Because I had Private Health Care I had this at home and this helped me a lot. I decided to wear cold caps which they put in the freezer and you wear during Chemo totry and stop your hair falling out. I decided that after my first Chemo providing I felt Ok I would go back to work part time at first and then more hours as and when I could. My Company were really good about this.
I also decided that I would have a massage the day after each Chemo as a stressbuster and this really helped. I also bought myself a CD after each Chemo as a little reward/treat. I also started Aikido/Karate again which gave me something to focus on and help get rid of any frustrations or tension once or twice a week.
During my Chemo I was never physically sick although some days I did feel a bit rough so I think that the antisickness drugs really helped me in that respect.
Radiotherapy followed Chemo and that was every day for three weeks. This was done at the Hospital and apart from going there every day was fine and I applied lots of Aquaeous cream every day to keep the area moist and so it wouldn’t feel tender.
After this came months of battling to get Herceptin, the drug I needed because I was HER2+++.
Eventually I got this through the NHS and had this every 3 weeks for a year IV. I finished this treatment in May and feel really good in myself now and last week took part in the Breast Cancer Care Fashion Show in London!
I hope I haven’t gone on too much but you did ask for our stories.
I do hope everything goes well over the next few days and don’t be afraid to ask lots of questions and ask for jargon to be explained to you.
If there is any qustion you want to ask me then please do.
Kind regards,

Stuart W

Hi Mark,

I was diagnosed with High Grade DCIS in June, aged 39. I have 2 sons who are older than your children. I had my surgery in July and finished Radiotherapy 2 weeks ago. Hopefully, the result of your 2nd biopsy will come back the same and the treatment should be ‘straight forward’, as in surgery and radiotherapy- no chemo - not that any of this is easy but I hope you understand what I mean. I know exactly how you feel about the possibility of pagents disease as that was what mine would have developed into within a year if left untreated. You have an early diagnosis and the prognosis will be good.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Stay positive as that is half the battle.

Kat x