Really Struggling

Hi All,
I really dont want to be all doom and gloom here but for some reason today i cant seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I was diagnosed last Thursday and my emotions since then have been all over the place (I’m 37 today and have a grade 2 ductal carcinoma).

There are so many things i am afraid of…

Chemo - the side effects and being bald

My relationship - i am now convinced my partner wont want me when i am bald and have surgery scars. Plus its so much fo him to put up with…will he cope? Will i cope?

Depression - i dont want to be in a bad place…i want to fight this!

I just want the light to be there at the end of the tunnel and its nowhere near, i cant see any light at all. Just a big black hole.

I feel like a failure. We were trying for a family and now this. I’ve ruined hopes and dreams for both of us!

I know this doesnt sound at all positive - but right now i dont feel it! I’m just praying it all gets better.

Rae
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You don’t sound doom and gloom at all - you sound just like we all were/are when we are diagnosed.

First of all Happy Birthday.

Secondly, have you got your treatment plan yet? I know when I was diagnosed I felt better when I actually had my treatment plan and someone had said, we can get rid of this.

I was diagnosed in November 2010, had 8 sessions of chemo, surgery, rads and have just finished 12 months of Herceptin.

From a practical point of view if you are having chemo first, then you need to speak to your onc about your fears for this. My biggest feat was sickness so my onc said she would guarantee I wouldn’t feel sick because she would give me every anti-sickness going. And she was right. If you are worried about losing your hair, you may be able to try the cold cap. I didn’t as I couldn’t have cared less about losing my hair. I just wore scarves and a hat.

In terms of your partner, think to yourself would it make a difference to you if it was him with a form of cancer and having treatment. No doubt it wouldn’t, so don’t assume he won’t be able to cope.

Can’t help you with the children aspect. I don’t have them so it was never an issue for me, but again speak to your onc, you may be able to have fertility treatment.

In terms of light at the end of the tunnel, what you need to do is break your treatment down into chunks and focus on the end of each chunk. That is what a lot of people do. I ticked off each of my chemos so for eg when I had had 4 I told myself that was half and so on, then I counted down to my surgery, then to my rads etc.

I am now at the end of active treatment and I will tell you, YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. I won’t be easy all the time but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. Tell yourself that often.

Hope this helps you.
Sam

Dear Rae

It’s completely understandable to feel as you do. As Sam said try to find out what the treatment plan will be and great advice to break down things into small chunks that’s exactly what i do as well. When I was first diagnosed in November last year I felt as if it was happening to someone else and I was just looking in. I finally had my operation in January and am now 5 weeks post op. They will throw lots of medical terms at you but be reassured that they are the professionals and know what they are doing. The operation itself is fine and surprisingly recovery good. I’m about to start chemo next week and I feel as if ive been hit by a sledgehammer but we all have to carry on. Like you I worried about my partner, a relatively new relationship of 2 and a half years he’s been a real rock and if anything it’s brought us even closer.

This site is great for ranting, or speaking to others going through the same thing. Remember to talk to people and we don’t all need to be brave all the time. There will be times when the waiting drives you mad, but you learn to deal with that.

Carolyn

Thank you both of you. Its made me smile just reading those. I dont knwo what regimen i will be on yet - so will wait and see.

My partner and i have only been together 18 months (we were in the process of buying a house but have put this on hold too). He has been great so far - i cant fault him. time will tell.

Thanks for the advice re: breaking it down in to chunks. I guess it really is a step at a time.

I know i’m going to have ‘wobbles’ - right now they feel like massive waves crashing down on me! I’m sure this will change too given time.

Thanks again,

Rae
x

Rae,

It really is true, it is a step at a time.

Once you get started on your treatment it won’t be half as bad as you are imagining, you will have more good days than bad days. I actually moved countries and houses twice during my 4 months of chemo.

Looking back I must have been mad but I got there. And you will too.

Sam

Thanks Sam…
As for the moving country and house - well done. Go you!! :slight_smile:
I hope things are still going well for you. Its so nice to hear (see) a friendly voice - just reasurring me its all going to be ok.

Rae
x

Hiya Raechi
As others have said once you get your treatment
plan things will start to make sense.
When I was dx this time last year I felt I was losing control.
When they gave me date for mx I changed the date and did the
same when given a date for starting chemo. It was my way of
taking control(bit of a control freak? who me?)
It’s all doable what ever treatment plan.
Good luck & big hugs
Judy xxx

Thanks Judy…I’m dreading it all - but just seeing how you other ladies have coped spurs me on.

Rae
x