I thought I’d post links to two articles in last week’s Independent which have given me food for thought.
independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-wellbeing/features/the-end-how-would-you-choose-to-die-1636712.html
independent.co.uk/opinion/commentators/johann-hari/johann-hari-weve-forgotten-how-to-face-death-1639278.html
I haven’t made any funeral plans yet. What am I waiting for? I don’t know. I DO know that I would like to be buried. These articles have made me wonder whether the root of my procrastination may be due to cultural burial angst(!?) if such a thing exists.
I spent my childhood in the Mediterranean where burials generally take place the following day (or on the same day, on occasion). The body is taken to the mortuary where family and friends come to visit and pay their condolences and respects until the undertakers arrive to place the body in the coffin and make the journey to the church. It’s a very intense process but it’s not necessarily a quiet or sombre affair: there are tears (or wailing) and laughter as memories of the deceased are shared, people bring food and drink to sustain the family members who don’t want to go home. In the good old 80s there may even have been smoking! I imagine that this is similar to a “wake”.
In contrast, my experience of funerals in England has been only to attend a service at the church or crematorium. I don’t know what happens in between as I have never been invited to attend a funeral home. Given that in England a burial could be a week or two later, I can’t imagine that you could sustain the Mediterranean custom over such a long time. But, I do wonder whether my friends would really want to come and hang out with me for one last time. Is that seen as morbid? They are mostly in their 30s and 40s. Yet I remember aged 20 lifting the sheet to kiss my grandmother goodbye and it wasn’t scary or frightening - she was very serene, but just not alive. It didn’t give me nightmares or haunt me forever. So, would an open casket help demystify death for those wanting to see my (artfully made-up) face for the last time, or would the mere utterance of “open casket” induce coronaries amongst my friends? Is it better to just have a sealed coffin. I just don’t know.
Anyway, apologies for the digression. I hope you find the articles as thought provoking as I have!
xxx
I have read them,thank you for bringing them to our attention.
My son lives in Turkey.When his father in law died in hospital his bosy was collected by his brothers that day and driven to the village of his birth.There all the men lined the streets and the shrouded body was passed from hand to hand above their heads with those at the back of the procession running to the front all the way to the cemetery where the body was entombed.The vocal mourning was done indoors by the women and sweet bread was given to passers by.Each year on the anniversary of his death his mother,wife and daughters go to the cemetery with food and flowers and spend time with him.
For myself I want cremation with not one ash of me buried!
i like to think i would be like Dennis Potter, fag in one hand and drink in the other, and medication on the side! but no Melvin Bragg!
i think what you would like sounds really nice Ripley, i think too many people have this irrational fear of death, as far as i am concerned there is only two certainties in life, that;s Taxation and Death!
Alisonxxx
Thanks so much ripley…I thought both these articles, particularly the one by John Walsh, absolutely brilliant.
Ever since my not good primary diagnosis I have always wanted to talk serioously about facing death…about all the issues written about in these articles…I’m sometimes frustrated that there is little space to do that on the forums. (Even our End of Life section is tucked away under secondaries, as though others don’t want to talk about it…and people with secondaries do…more complex than that.)
I started an excellent Open University course two years ago…callled Death and Dying…a great cross culturaal examination of death and its taboos plus lots on communicating with dying people, hospice care etc. Fantastic materials. I dropped out after I’d done one essay because I got rediagnsoed and didin’t have the energy for the essays but I still get a lot from dipping into the materials.
One of my recent thoughts on funerals is that I want mine to have some sad bits. All this ‘celebrating the life of’ stuff is OK up to a point but I want people to feel sad too…I am celebrating my life best I can right now , but when I’m dead I want to be mourned…
Jane
I have my funeral planned. I am planning to have a “green” burial and a humanist ceremony as I am not religious.
I have picked my coffin - willow and do not want to have any personal effects in the coffin. No heafstone just a tree planted and wild flower seeds sprinkled over the grave.
I decided that I wanted to have the funeral sorted well in advance (I hope)and not have family fretting over it at 3am one morning.
Having managed to get over the “brave” comments from the first funeral director, I had a better experience with the second one.
Kate
Thanks for posting these links, Ripley - indeed “food for thought”.
I for a very long time (pre-cancer days) have wanted to die in a chair in my garden. I think it highly unlikely that I will be able to do that and I think as a result I tend to put off a lot of plans for my death.
I do want to be cremated though and have talked to my OH about what to do with my ashes. And as you say Jane, I expect some sadness at my funeral service - tears and laughter & lots of memories of me. If people arem’t going to miss me, it doesn’t say much for my achievements over the last 50 odd years!
Kay
Thanks for you replies - they have given me further food for thought and helped clarify some things.
It’s kind of strange because for the past year I’ve not been able to even begin to think about funeral wishes. Not that I was unwilling to confront it, just that I had no idea where to start! It’s not like you get any training for this. When I decided to start exploring it I was quite surprised at what came up in a google search. I didn’t realise that you could have ashes blown into beautiful glass sculptures, for example. Suddenly I was introduced to a minefield of information and a variety of options and I realised that I had no firm views, which in turn made me panic!
I confess I have found all the recent media coverage about death rather unsettling, especially as I have hit the anniversary of my all-in-one diagnosis. However, these two articles have managed to stir something in me and consequently I’ve finally been able to put pen to paper and make some plans - albeit sketchy - but nevertheless, it’s a good start for me. And yes, I want a lot of wailing at my funeral service - because I’m worth it!
x
Is it just me? I don’t feel any need to try and organise my funeral, I reckon that is something for those I leave behind. Just because I know I will die sooner rather than later I don’t think that means I need to make any more funeral arrangements than anyone else. I fondly think that organising the funeral is something for the living, and will help them by giving them something practical to do. Anyway that is my excuse.
Having said that, I have dropped a couple of hints about willow coffins and favourite hymns.
I am more concerned about trying to ensure my family and myself are mentally and spiritually prepared for my last days. Whatever that means, it’s sometimes too difficult to think about.
Lottie
When I was first diagnosed with secondary cancer and really didn’t expect to live more than a year or so I invested a lot of time thinking about my funeral - music, poems, church or humanist, how to make it a good experience for friends and family with the a mix of tears and laughter.
But as time has gone on (2 years and still counting…) I find I am less and less concerned with the actual funeral. I don’t really know why this is. Possibly the secondary diagnosis made me feel powerless so organising the funeral down to the last detail was a way of regaining control. It’s also a way of speaking to those we leave so I can see why that would be important for many people - especially those with children.
I have the little collection of songs and poems which I made and I have written a short message for the vicar/humanist (still haven’t decided!). I’ll make them available if my family want to use them but the service is for them, not me so they can choose. I want to encourage them to celebrate the 57 ish years we shared rather than just mourning the 20 ish I’m missing out on. However I do want a bit of weeping as well - it’s good for the soul.
In fact the perfect event as far as I’m concerned would be a small family only cremation followed by a loosely religious service for lots of friends and family with belting hymns (Abide With Me always gets the tears flowing)and then back to my house for a big party in the garden and lots of booze so people can weep buckets, hug and reminisce. I suppose that means I have to be sure to die in the summer months though. Oh dear, here i am being controlling again.
On the other hand I’ve been putting together photos, keepsakes and a message for each of my children as I want them to be able to show their children what their gran looked like…
PS favourite music to be buried/cremated to - Alison Krauss, I’ll Fly Away
x Barbara
I used to think that planning my funeral was something I ‘had’ to do but now I am more inclined to leave it for my family to do. They do know that I would like a woodland burial and a willow coffin (used to make baskets) but beyond this, I think it should really be up to them. And I am quite sure my OH will include a wake of alcoholic proportion…
Lottie and Jenny, yes me too…my family only know I want a burial but the rest is entirely up to them. My Mum died suddenly last year and it was all the planning and organising of the funeral that really helped me and the rest of the family cope at the time.