Reflections

Just thought I’d share a few thoughts with you.

 

Since I was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012, I’ve felt a bit of a fraud. When my OH told people “Oh, she’s battling cancer”. I thought “Am I?” It didn’t feel like a battle. People with cancer usually looked frail and gaunt,. Their skin was pale and it was obvious they were ill. Apart from bearing a scar that spread halfway across my chest, and a ‘dead’ patch beneath my arm where I had lymph nodes removed, I didn’t look or feel ill. OK, so I had a few rough days while having chemo, and 5 days in hospital - twice - because of neutropenic sepsis. But on the whole I didn’t feel any different to how I felt before! Only the bald head, lack of eyebrows and lashes, and the moon face gave away the fact that I was a cancer patient. Now though, there’s nothing to show that I’m a cancer survivor - until I take my bra off that is! :womanlol:

 

poemsgalore xx

Hi Poems, here I am in the middle of the night, but my sleeplessness isn’t down to worrying, pain etc - I’m just awake from time to time and can’t get back to sweet dreams! Hope you’re not awake now.

 

I felt the way you describe last time when I had 3 WLEs and ’ just’ radiotherapy (also had a WLE a few years earlier, benign). It was definitely a case of ‘just’ cancer and almost as though I was pretending to have it. Apart from tiredness during radiotherapy and a shoulder area that I couldn’t move much, I was pretty good. I had to raise my arm into the stirrup thing with the help of my other arm plus radiographer’s help - why somebody didn’t latch on to how bad it was amazes me now. My GP sent me for 2 lots of physio, no use at all for my problem, and it was a year before I sidled in to the bc drop in clinic. I told them about my few ‘little’ problems and the brilliant bc nurse told me about the cancer physio clinic I could attend and Amytriptylene to get from my GP to help me sleep, as the shoulder area hurt so much I kept waking up, both of which were great at solving my problems.

 

Apart from those things and a lack of stamina, it was all so easy once I got over the initial shock and managed somehow to calm down a bit - I didn’t have the great help of BCC and this forum then. I could only walk a short distance at first, but over time built up to 5 or 6 km and joined a couple of walking groups. I’ve never managed to cope with more than that though. Of course, now I’m worn out if we go to town and walk about there, slightly shaky still on my feet too - definitely not drunk! I was thinking yesterday when I went on a short walk by the river holding on to my huaband’s arm that I ought to take one of my walking poles with me, give myself a bit of confidence.

 

Of course, unlike you I didn’t then and haven’t now, got lack of hair, eyebrows and lashes to show I’ve had cancer. I haven’t bothered with a bra yet, as my ‘good’ side isn’t good, due to the 4 WLEs, just tiny and a poor shape. The softy I was given is much too big, and if I take enough stuffing out, hardly any is left inside. With fluid build up it looks pretty much like my good side! I was thinking about sending for a knitted knocker, but for now I’m content to let it all (!) hang out!

 

Anyway, ‘survivor’ just isn’t the right term for me either - I wasn’t ill before my op and I’m getting there following the op. Maybe we need a new title - yes, we’ve survived, but it’s not like people who have gone through major ops on vital organs, such as bowel or lung, and are very incapacitated, like my dear SIL, although she got back to her early morning swims in town at the crack of dawn between each cancer.

 

So you’re not alone in thinking ‘survivirs’ is the wrong term for some of us, Poems. Gentle hugs, Jo x