You sound a smashing bloke and I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
I don’t know you situation, you don’t say whether the kids are hers or yours. But it may well be that now your girlfriend is finding it difficult to focus on anything else but her BC and getting through the treatment. It’s a long hard road and she may be that she can’t give anything back at present. She will certainly be feeling very tired with very little energy for anything.
As katytc says have a good talk tell her how you feel but that you don’t want to make any demands on her you just want to support her and help her through.
Thanks Katy and Jan.
I should have said last night about the children. I have an 11 year old son, and she has an 11 year old daughter.
That is how we got to know eachother from picking them up at school. If only I had realised then 3 years ago how we both felt.
Things would be so different now as I would be helping out a lot more than what I am now.
I really can’t begin to imagine what she and her body is going through right now,
and it must be very difficult to get your head around.
I suppose I am being selfish in some respect because I am not seeing hardly anything of her
and I am at home by myself. Would much rather be at her house helping out than sat her
doing nothing. Even if its just to give her a cwtch, sorry, that’s welsh for a cuddle and to reasure her that I am here for whatever she needs or wants.
It does help coming on here though and telling others how you feel.
Thank you all so much.
Andrew X
You are a lovely bloke and it’s a real shame that BC has got in the way of your relationship.
This may help - I’m a widow since 1997, and when I was diagnosed in 2010 I decided I was going to do this journey by myself (no kids, no siblings, parents dead years ago) I am very independent and private, so that’s how I prefer to do things generally. I like being in charge - and of course cancer just rocks us to our foundations. I just told one friend as my support group and she has been great, letting me rant, get angry, snivel etc.
It was only after 12 months, that I began to think how nice it would be to have someone to help ‘take care’ of me: I went public when I could tell friends I had HAD cancer but it’s all gone now. And I do get the support I need when I need it from friends. I really would have found it hard work to cope with everyone’s concern and coming round with nice litle meals to put in the freezer!!! I would have found it overwhelming, I just wanted time to get my head round what was going on.
So I reckon it’s not you she is pushing away, more the whole world, and if she is a lone mum she has been coping on her own for some time. It is hard coping with yourself with cancer, and maybe she doesn’t feel she has the energy to cope with a new relationship.
And if she has has surgery she may well feel that her body is not ‘pretty’ anymore. Some days even getting a shower and putting on a bit of slap is just too much effort.
Perhaps a note/card just to say you want to help in any way she chooses may move things on a bit, and suggest she tells you when are good times of day to meet up.
Try not to worry. It doesn’t surprise me that you are seeing less of her as the treatment progresses. It really does knock you & many of us start withdrawing as we get more & more tired & also shorter periods of feeling well. I don’t even like speaking when I’m feeling nauseous so don’t take phone calls when I’m feeling bad…it’s text messages or nothing! I know it’s frustrating for you to stand on the sidelines but she’s going through so much & the treatment will be altering her mood & leaving her quite fed up & negative at times. As long as she knows that you’re there for her if she needs anything then that’s all you can do for now. She’s lucky to have you looking out for her & if she’s now switched to Tax ( which means a whole lot of new side effects to come to terms with) then she’s reached the half way point in her chemo.
Hope this helps reassure you a bit. Chemo messes with the mind as well as the body.
If the kids both still get picked up from school, could you offer to do that, if you’re not at work? Do they get on ok? Could you offer to have her daughter over, or offer to take her out to the pictures with your son? Or offer to take your lady to the supermarket and get the shopping in and out of the car for her, and then cook something nice for her while she’s resting.
Let her know that you would like to do this sort of thing for her, with no strings attached, just because you care and want to try to make things just a little bit easier for her. You will know whether it would be appropriate (or even possible, depending on work) for you to offer to take her to her treatments. She might find that’s a bit personal, but she might appreciate the offer at least.
I think if you offer something specific, rather than the usual “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help”, you might find that lets her accept more easily.
It may be that you have to put the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship on the back burner, but if you let her know that you want to be there to give some practical support to help her get through the treatment, that might be a start. Taking it at her pace is always going to be difficult because that pace will change from one moment to the next and she won’t know what “her pace” is either.
I have been supporting my partner with breast cancer since 2006 and although at times this disease has put a terrible strain on our relationship, at other times I feel (and I think my wife does too) that we’ve never been closer.
Often, however, it is really difficult to offer my partner the support she needs when I’m feeling terrified, angry, scared – going through many of the emotions that she herself is going through. Your partner is no doubt in a dark place. I’m not trying to ‘excuse’ what you see as his lack of support, but this might give some insight into his behaviour.
It’s tempting to talk about the differences in the way that men and women cope with heavy emotional situations, but I think cancer is a really stressful situation that can bring out the best and the worst in any individual - and puts a strain on even the best relationship.
You both need support - to support one another and to get support from others. You need support as individuals and as a couple: I hope you can find this. The fact that you are posting on this forum is a great start.
If you have access to a counsellor - especially one that has experience with supporting people with cancer - I would really recommend that you try this if you are not doing so already. It would be great for your partner too. If he is unwilling to consider this now, he may be ready to in future.
I have recently started going for counselling after my wife’s latest developments (widespread bone metastases) and I really appreciate the support this has given me. I hope that I’m now better at supporting my wife. I’m trying.
I really hope you can work on this together with your partner.
Best wishes.
Hi everyone, I think I have been building up to this post in the week or so I have been on the site -it could be long and boring…
I am reaaly struggling with my emotionions at the moment:
Hairloss really getting me down(see previous posts)
Body image
RELATIONSHIP PROBS (should have been 1 really…)
My partner of 14 years and I have had probs on and off for several years, not helped by the loss of both my parents and one of his… we had just sorted out difficulties after the loss of his father when I got my dx. It was the usual scenario of him being more upset than me, and from then on he was a great support to all intents and purposes, fetching, carrying, cleaning. But to me,emotionally, he may as well have been a stranger. Our physical relationship is non=existant, not even the occasional kiss, unless I cojole him in to it and cuddles - forget it - He refuses to talk about it, using his stomach problems, which he has had since I met him, and never used to be an excuse, as a reason for ‘not getting stressed’ .
I am the sort of person who has always been - in other peoples words - their rock . I have given everything to my daughters, and all through my treatment, made out I was fine, rather than expect too much of them, and although I had offers of help from lots of people ear;y on, hardly any actually followed through.
Now I am 20 months post diagnosis, my daughters are wrapped up in their own lives. and I cant get my partner to discuss our relationship - and I have tried all the tricks - I feel very low right now, and am having trouble sleeping or putting my mind to anything. I am starting to feel I would be better off on my own…
Can I have your thoughts please ladies xxx
Hi NannaBarb, It’s so reasuring that you felt confident enough to confide in us your very personal thougts and I can only offer you some words about how , I think, a lot of us feel at some stage in our relationships.
I think that a lot of strong, resiliant women ( and men) plod along through life, happy with our lot and “just getting on with it”. We see friends’ relationships exactly the same and accept that it’s or lot in life. However when you have major trauma’s in your life like death of very close friends/relatives it really rocks our boats, we realise that life it very short and that we should grieve for our losses and enjoy the time we have left. Resiliant people will see it like this and although sad about loosing dear relatives are able to grieve and move forward. Your hubby may not be as resiliant as you and as he “leans” on you for support you give it. Then…you have another major blow, cancer… again you are strong and although shocked move forward with treatment, and supporting your family emotionally. BUT at some stage resiliant people will break, you cannot be strong for everyone all the time, and it’s the hair-loss and body-image that has just broken the camel’s back… How much more can you take?..
Well NannaBarb I think before you make a decision about your realtionship and whether to sing “hit the road Jack” to him I would work on YOU, do whatever you need to do to make YOU feel better about yourself. Concentrate on the next 5 months investing in yourself. Set out plans…have a chat with your local Macmillan nurse and ask about free therapies avaliable ie massage/reiki etc…Mine also do courses for free, like painting… go for walks if you can and arrange to meet up with supportive positve pals for cups of coffee. You have the perfect excuse to indulge yourself and it needend cost much. Telling your family, when appropriate, that you are taking a bit of time out to indulge yourself and try and get your mojo back - they may understand more than you think and you may be surprised at their response.
Hair - not a lot you can do-just do what I do and spend a fortune in John Lewis buying fab hats - too cold to go out bald! I also go along to all the expensive make-up counters and ask the girls to show me how do make-up my eyes and eyebrows, I don’t buy anything - just have a nice time asking for samples as well!!! body image, well, you may find that once you are feeling a bit more positive about yourself that you will realise that your friends and family and NICE people whom you want to make friends with do not judge you by how you look. I would be horrified if people judged me because I look like a short, fat hard boiled agg!!!
I hope I have helped in a small way, why don’t you go and download some favourite songs onto your ipod and dance around the kitchen when no-one is about, the Bay City Rollers and Abba always do it for me!
Please feel free to pm me if you wish, I hope that you get your mojo back soon, love, Horsie xxxx
Hi Nannabarb,
This is very, very difficult because your OH doesn’t want to talk and talking is the only way anything can be resolved.
Can you say that you do not want to argue over anything but you need to know how he feels and then you can say how you feel?? and to say that you need things sorted. Say that you are deeply unhappy and is he the same and can we fix this?
Can your BCN or a Maggies centre perhaps help with some counselling regarding image issues? It’s amazing that if you talk to someone neutral they can help so much and point you in the right direction.
Hope this is helpful to you, my OH and I seperated during my treatment, if you like you can PM me, take care and lots of hugs to you xx
Here I was thinking I was the only one and everyone else’s OH’s were out there being supportive. I’ve had a sleepless night too so I can’t say anything constructive right now. Can relate with nannabarb about partner and his stomach problems though xx
Thanks Horsie, Katy, as they says, its good to talk
Unfortunately in my OH case, he doesnt believe it… Katy I’ve tried exactly as you describe, but its always, not now I’m busy/stressed/stomach’s bad/, so cant see us having ‘the talk’ anytime soon. They way he physically rejects me (again he blames his stomach), it feels as though he finds me physically repulsive, because if it was his stomach he would at least still hug me now and then. I do take time for myself now and have coffee with friends,but none know the extent of the relationship probs, they’d be too judgemental…(I know from past experience). One good friend who does know is having to cope with lots of treatment for secondaries at the moment and doesnt yet know what the likely outcome will be, so cant burden her with it.
So thatnk god for the Forum eh? at least you have a choice of listening to my moans
Hve a lovely day, and see you for the BENCHLAND party tomorrow xxx (and weigh in on Sunday… oh dear!)
Hi, just a little up date to tell you we had ‘the talk’ this morning… didnt really achieve much, but at least we have opened a dialogue, so may yet sort things out. Thank you KatyTC, Likeslilac, Horsie for your kind words and advice. Hopefully next comments from me with be with resolution x
