Relationship breakdown.

Relationship breakdown.

Relationship breakdown. My fiance and I had some ‘issues’ before my diagnosis. During treatment things were fine - he helped out a lot with our daughter, tried his best with housework, etc. But, now that my treatment is over (I finished 5 weeks ago) all we do is fight.

I’m still tired and mentally foggy. My body still aches. I am moody and tearful due to menopause casused by Tamoxifen. Everything he does bugs me. He is a slob, yet denies it. He is the world’s biggest procrastinator (he lost his driver’s license 3 years ago and still hasn’t replaced it.) He never puts anything in its place so every morning involves a search for the remote control, nappies, baby wipes, the coffee - you name it. He loses things all the time, too - he recently lost my car keys and they have never been found.

I know a lot of you will be thinking, “That’s just men for you” but I’m sick of living with someone who just makes me feel stressed all the time. It has become so bad I can barely stand to be in the same room as him. He calls me an ‘ungrateful bitch’ and says most women would be happy to have someone like him as he doesn’t go to the pub and doesn’t cheat.

Help! Any words of wisdom would be welcome.

Lola x

Relationship Brekadown Hi

I have just read your post.

My heart goes out to you.

He has certainly got to get his act together there is now way around that.

The fact he calls you an ungrateful bitch is unforgivable in my eyes.

You are going through a hard enough time without having to carry him and the children.

He has got to pull his weight around the house and there is no denying he is a slob.

You have got to talk calmly to each other and ask him nicely if he would help you just for a little while, while you get back on your feet with the housework and tidying up. Don’t put ultimatums on him.

Just ask nicely while you trying to do something you can’t quite manage say “Do you mind helping me with this?”

He may not but it is worth a try.

If you want further support it may be worth contacting Marriage Care.

Hope the above helps.

Hugs

Fee

For Lola Hi Lola

It sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment. Have you thought of phoning the BCC helpline? You can offload your troubles here confidentially and the staff are either breast care nurses or trained staff with experience of breast care issues.

The telephone number is freephone 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.

I hope this helps.

Kind regards
BCC Host

I do feel for you Hi Lola

I am so sorry you are having a rough time at the moment, I dont know which is worse having him there or being alone… My ex duumped me when i was diagnosed, said he could not handle cancer…how he thought I would I do not know. He was not there through my operation or through my treatment I was alone apart from my family.
So thinking about it sometimes its better to be alone than with someone and still feel alone. Please try and talk to him and explain how you feel, I just wish my ex had been with me when I needed him and I still miss him dreadfully, but go with your instincts if your not happy with him let him know.

Thinking of you

Elaine

Lola - in my humble opinion, you deserve far better. As you grow stronger after your treatment you will come to realise that you do not have to accept unacceptable behaviour from anyone.

Hi Lola I think a crisis like getting cnacer sorts out the relationships which are worth having and those that maybe we need to review.

I think cancer either emphasises the strengths or focuses the problems in a primary relationship. I was lucky that mine was strengthened. I also know several women who are very glad that they chose to leave unsatisfactory relationships after their diagnosis of breast cancer. Not easy to do but cna be liberating.

I hope you can get some support,…counselling maybe…to help you decide what it is that you really want to do, but everything you have written here, suggests perhaps that the relationship isn’t right for you any longer.

Best wishes

Jane

Thank you. Hello Ladeez!

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice.

I’m not by any means faultless in this situation. I can be very hard to live with, too, and I know I have said some hurtful things to DF in the past in the heat of the moment.

Jane - you are so right. I liken it to having a baby; brings good relationships closer, pushes bad ones further apart.

I would consider couple counselling but the truth is I think the love has gone (at least from my side of things) and I’m not convinced talking would do any good.

My main concern is my 22-month-old daughter. I have no personal experience of relationship breakdown where kids are involved as my parents have been married for 47 years and my sister for 25. I don’t know if I could cope being a lone parent. Where would we live? How could I afford things? (My fiance is the main bread-winner.) How would my daughter be not seeing her daddy every day? How would my fiance be not seeing his darling daughter every day? (Despite everything he is an excellent father and worships our little girl.) What if I don’t actually get custody of her? That would destroy me. There’s so much to think about.

I think, for now, I have to seek out some counselling for myself to try to clarify my feelings and address my fears.

Thank you all for pointing me in the right direction.

Love

Lola xx

Hi I’ve replied to your other posting and thought I’d reply to this one too. I’ve been a lone parent for 12 years. I had a lot of the same concerns as you at first. As a parent with a child, if you are n’t able to stay in your current accommodation, then you’d be entitled to Local Authority accommodation. If you were in danger of becoming homeless, as someone with a child, the LA would have to provide you with housing mainly because of your child who would be classed as a child in need. You would also be entitled to benefits for the same reason. You’d be entitled to a number of benefits which CAB can tell you about. How would you manage on your own? Well, you would. It’s hard, particularly at first, but you do find a way of dealing with it all. It’s hard and it’s tiring but then you get all the good stuff too- like the kisses and the cuddles. A couple of years after his father left, my son and I were laughing at something. He turned to me and said “Oh mammy, we don have fun, don’t we?” I think he was 7 at the time. He’s almost 17 now. Children are incredibly resilient. They learn to cope with all kinds of things that adults think will tear tehm apart. The most important thning in any relationship break si that the adults find an amicable way of working together. Kids are much more settled if mum and dad can speak to each other without screaming. I’ve learnt this from personal and professional experience (and it’s backed up in research if you want to know the boring stuff) And like I said in my other posting, there’s no such thing as custody. Speak to CAB and find a solicitor who offers a free half hour. And make good use of your support networks to make sure you look after yourself.

Regards
Geraldine

Thanks, Geraldine. I’ve given a more lengthy response on my other post.

Lola x