Hi Mrs Morley,
So sorry to hear you are having a hard time at the moment. I wasn’t sure when you had been diagnosed or how far you are through treatment so had a quick look at your other post.
Firstly, breast cancer diagnosis does come as bit of a shock to us all. It takes awhile to register, refind our feet, comprehend the new you. While most of us on the forum do seem to feel a bit better once treatment has started, just knowing it’s being treated and getting into a pattern re treatment sessions etc, it’s sometimes after that when it really registers. From what I gather you are only 2 months on from diagnosis…so it’s perfectly natural that you will be feeling like your world has been shaken about a tad. You need to be kind and compassionate to yourself and try to do anything which gives you a breather.
Cancer diagnosis affects those close to us too in many ways, and often not in way we might have predicted…from your other post in June it sounds like your husband was, in your own words, extremely supportive back then. So I suspect he may not know how to process the thought of your diagnosis, he is probably some combination of worried and scared. He may also feel so concerned about any discomfort you may have had during treatment he might feel like he doesn’t want to risk hurting you in any way shape or form, which might be why he’s going off, drinking etc. A slight ostrich affect or even a weird not facing it form of denial? Clearly I’ve never met him so can only go upon how I understand bc diagnosis/treatment can affect others.
Given it sounds like he was supportive and you got on well until your bc journey began 2 months ago, plus you and your husband also have your sons needing attention and care, it seems as though this may be a temporary blip and resolvable. Does you husband have any close friends he can confide in and really talk to about how he feels? Or has he spoken to a counsellor? Would he consider posting on this forum in the partners section, where he could get to speak to others who have gone through bc without it being personal (and therefore no risk of it getting heated)? Or even phoning the bc phone line or Macmillan?
Have you tried talking calmly to him about the bc, and how he feels? I know it should be the other way round, particularly at the current time, but some people just can’t get their heads round a partners diagnosis and then behave in ways we wouldn’t have predicted.
By way of personal examples, neither my brother or my mother visited me when I was diagnosed and going through treatment. My brother sent a card saying why not do something I enjoy like painting…that was the extent to which he showed any care/concern! My partner was far away overseas for much of the time since his sister had been extremely unwell with lung cancer and mets, and he was helping support her 3 teenagers. When he returned he was rather absent for quite a few weeks. I almost thought it was over but knew he’d been really rattled by his sister’s severe lung cancer (with mets) and her subsequent loss just 5 days before my operation. It was quite some time later when he acknowledged that he just couldn’t process anything more back then. 5 years on and we are so much the stronger for it and talk openly about cancer to those around us to try to normalise it a tad in the wider world. I couldn’t even say the word cancer when I was first diagnosed!
Your partner carrying on painting the kitchen really does sounds like the behaviour of someone who doesn’t know what to do to help (for whatever reason), so turns to a single task which he can control and understand.
So, my view would be to stick with it, try talking to him about how he feels and see if you can find some mutual ground. While things are not going as smoothly as you’d like, try to be kind to yourself, do a few things you enjoy, and take each day as it comes.
You could also consider attending counselling together, where the counsellor could facilitate how you both feel about everything that bc may have thrown up in the air, which may help? Your hospital should be able to refer you to specialist cancer counselling…not sure if they would widen this to a partner attending with you? Might be worth asking.
Or or are you able to take an afternoon out, just with your husband and go on a nice walk, and just try to reconnect a tad, without any pressure or distractions?
Do post again if you think any of us here can help. I’m sure others will post their support and views.
I hope things improve soonish.
Seabreeze x