i finished chemo in Oct 07 and Radio in Jan 08. i have had a bilateral mastectomy and have currently got expander implants due to have replaced in Sept this year. I returned back to work in March 08 I am still having Herceptin and i am on Arimidex. Since my radio finished me my partner have done nothing but fall out. I feel tired all the time but i am expected to now be the person that i was before the cancer. He has said that he is fed up of the cancer talk and to give it a rest and that i should be looking forward now. The sexual side of things is playing a huge part in the fall outs. I wish i could give it a rest but with all the hospital appointments still going on i feel that i can’t escape it yet. I am due to go in for surgery next tuesday to investigate my womb, they have said that they need to rule out cancer. I was just wondering if anyone else has had relationship problems due to the breast cancer and treatments etc… Sorry for moan but i feel so alone and isolated.
Hi Karenr,
I’m sorry you’re having problems at the moment. I have put below for you the link to BCC’s publication on intimacy and sexuality with breast cancer, it may help. If you feel you need to have a chat with someone then do please phone the helpline where the staff here can talk to you in confidence about your problems. The number to phone is 0808 800 6000 lines being open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
breastcancercare.org.uk/content.php?page_id=668
Hope this helps.
Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator
Me & my partner have been together 15 years so we know each other quite well, he was with when I had my diagnosis in Nov 06, & all through my chemo, rads & herceptin, also on arimidex myself, but as time has gone by he has become less patient with the whole C word, like yours he just wants to look forward now, & not to look back, Sex was & still is important to him, this is the last thing on my mind, having no interest or desire to has caused lots of rows like you but like lots have said on other posts sometimes you may not feel like but when you get down to it you may enjoy it, keep talking to each other, nothing is ever easy in this life, this is just a temporary blip, you will get through it, it all takes time to adjust to what we have been through. We sometimes forget that they go through a lot too (i’m not making excuses for him) Good luck with the surgery next week, hope it goes well for you.
Lovely x
Hi Karen
Haven’t posted on here for absolutely ages… I finished chemo in December, had a mastectomy in January, radiotherapy in April and am waiting for a date for my tissue expander to be replaced. My partner and I have had lots of issues since the radiotherapy stage. We only met 2/3 weeks prior to me being diagnosed so probably quite a different situation to yours but he had been absolutely brilliant until that point. He felt like he was no longer needed as my treatment came to an end and had been so focussed on me and helping me get through it all I think he just felt lost afterwards… He also says that I’m not the same person that I was before and to be honest, he’s probably right!
Sorry, I don’t have any advice for you. We’ve recently split up but are considering giving it another go. I just wanted to say you’re really not alone and I think even the strongest relationships would be tested by breast cancer. I also think it’s completely normal for the sexual side of things to be affected after all the emotional upheaval and physical changes you’ve had to cope with. I guess the important thing is that you try to keep talking to each other.
Good luck with your surgery and I hope you manage to sort things with your partner.
J x
Hi Karen,
I think your posting shows clearly the difference between the sexes! The men think, well, that’s that, we can now get on with the rest of our lives, whereas you are still having the medical profession fiddling around with your bits, you’re tired out from the treatment, and he wonders why you don’t feel sexy!
There are lots of postings like yours here, you are by no means alone, keep hanging on in there is all I can suggest. Concentrate on all the good bits in the past, and not the bits that irritate the hell out of you now.
If it’s any encouragement, my OH and I got married a week ago, 3 years after dx and surgery.
Good luck,
Silversue.
Thankyou everyone. I did feel better after my little moan on here and now after reading your posts i do realise that i am not alone and that its not just me.
My partner and i have been together 5 yrs, engaged for 3 and i do love him to bits. He was with me on the day of diagnosis and has been my rock through my treatment. Always there to put a smile on my face and make me laugh. I never once felt embarrassed about the way i look after my mastectomy (bilateral) and he’s always saying that i look beautiful and sexy, even though i don’t feel it half the time. We do talk and i agree that i’m not the same person that i used to be. He says i have a lot of anger and through that he’s pent up with frustration which in turn makes him angry. I have a lot of guilt at the moment. 1 of them being that i have not given him the attention that he is used to, and thats not just the sexual side. We’ve decided to go to a councilor and hopefully reslove the issues that we have.
I know we must have all changed, some are for the better and some unfortunatley are for the worst at the mo and i reckon the change scares our men as we ar not the person that they fell for in the first place.
I can’t wait to have my expanders replaced which should be early september, then hopefully i’ll feel better with not having these hard mishapen rocks in front of me. Just had my pre-opp for my womb investigation so i’m all set for that next tues. I’m being positive and determined that they are not going to find anything.
Congratualtions Silversue on getting married.
Jeebee, i hope you and your partner sort things out.
Thanks Again
Karen x
Hi Karen
You most definitely are not on your own. You’ve got a lot going on and that is not helping. Well done to you for raising the issue of counselling, it’s great that you are both willing to do it.
A friend of mine told me about SUMO (shut up and move on) which might help. There is a website and the guy who wrote the book is called Paul McGee. If you google it, I’m sure you’ll find it but he has seven questions which I found fantastic and hope they help.
- Where is this issue on a scale of 1-10
- How important will this be in six months time
- Is my response appropriate and effective
- How can I influence or improve the situation
- What can I learn from this
- What will I do differently next time
- What can I find that’s positive in this situation
The other thing that I have found very helpful is a couple of articles on the Cancer Counselling Trust website that were brilliant.
Do let us know how you are getting along and hope the op goes well.
Dawnflower
xxxxx
You are so not alone!!! My husband and i have been married 26yrs and upto diagnosis had a active love life. Since mastectomy, chemo and radio, now on arimidex, i have no desire at all.This causes lots of arguments even sometimes to the stage where we talk about parting even though we love each other loads. He has been my rock throughout all the treatment but now seems to think we should be moving on and getting things back to normal. But my problem is when sex is painful, you feel numb down below, you have hot flushes and you are so tired. How the hell do they think you have the energy for sex, especially now i’m back at work full time. I don’t think enough time or money is given to help women after treatment to handle this and it should be. If anyone has any suggestions i will gladly try anything. I really don’t want to lose him
join the club. my partner and i had only been together two years when i was diagnosed, and we’ve been together another two years since, so half our relationship has included coping with the breast cancer. we did get married last year and most of the time things are great but it can’t be denied that it had a pretty heavy impact. i’m much better physically than i was this time last year, but mentally it’s still hard and i’m thinking about taking myself back to see the folks at Maggie’s Centre again for some support. my partner is very patient and doesn’t pressure me but i’m not at all interested in sex…and i feel a huge sense of loss about that, we had a rampant sex life before this happened and i feel very sad that it’s gone. the treatment i got was excellent, the results look great, but it’s the inside scars that don’t show and still hurt that are hard to come to terms with…