Returning to a sex life after recon

Public Archive
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Hi
I haven’t been mutilated like most of you, I just have a scar on my tum from an operation in which I was diagnosed with advanced BC two years ago. I also have a big tum currently from development of ascites and am on chemo to try and get things back under control.

I’d split with a partner before I was diagnosed but he has remained a very good friend since. For ages after my diagnosis, I wanted him back but he had moved on to another relationship. Anyway, I did really well on hormonal therapy but was hurt by my feelings that I could not be seen as an attractive WOMAN anymore. I thought, who would want me, knowing how advanced I was?

Anyway, I set myself a challenge and (can’t believe I’m going to admit this here) I went on a very nice, small dating site, looking for male friends - I wasn’t looking for any form of relationship other than that- I just wanted friendly banter with males who knew from the start that I had big problems. I felt as if I was conducting a survey! And the results of it were, that there are many nice men, who will happily chat with a woman who is affected in some way or other by BC. I eventually met someone, who, in spite of everything, turned out to want me and eventually, love me. And vice versa, bonus!!!
Even if we split tomorrow, I know I have experienced a loving relationship again, post-diagnosis and yes, I feel like a woman.
Basically, I’d say, in this life, we will only get what we need if we really want it and ask for it and life is too short not to ask for it. Intimacy and cuddles are important as anything else for both partners- the rest can follow. It really shouldn’t come down to whether or not we have both boobs, it should come from much deeper than that. We are still WOMEN.
It’s funny, this theme of men and sex and should the woman just satisfy her man to keep him on an even keel, not always when she feels up for it, has come up in several places in the media recently- loose women, she mag etc and it sounds as if that debate is going on in many places, not just between women who have had or have BC.

Anne xx

PS Maz, I bet you still are an attractive woman, don’t put yourself down. While he is choosing this babe-magnet car, get out there and get some killer heels or anything that reminds you of who you really are. I shouldn’t say this but he is acting like a real t*****!

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Hi Maz, please don’t let this man pull you down. I had a mastectomy one year ago so know where you are coming from not feeling like a woman. My husband of 40 years is brilliant I know I am lucky to have him and he has been my rock. You have to believe in yourself, what is to be will be, I have my down days as we all do, you have to pull yourself up and get out and about. I know it’s not easy but you have to do it. Join a night class, meet other people, let people see you for yourself, and you will then believe in yourself. All the best in whatever you decide to do but please make that step on the road to recovery. You can do it. love junieliz

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Been waiting for that Anne. Good on you. Is fabulous. You are an inspiration!!

Julie

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Hi all …I dont let him pull me down …we just lead separate lives but in the same house …however just lately he has been making more of an effort but as for sex …thats down to me cos I dont think I ever could now its been too long …I am sort of happy in asort of no choice kind of way …if you know what I mean !! thanx for all your support it means the world to me to know that you really care and take the time to listen and offer advice xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Hello Maz, hello all

That sounds just like Lionel Blue …

I know what you mean, it doesn’t enter my head that I could enter the sex competition on “sports day” - I don’t feel that I qualify to take part anymore. It’s not a happy state and I’m not sure it’s unhappy either now, it just seems that life will continue like this. Two people living under the same roof and not even having such thoughts, no lust, no looks or anticipation, no brushing by, no anything remotely erotic - just let me hide and don’t look at me. How long can it continue I wonder? This limbo?

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Regina …you have said it all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Blimey - you were up at the crack of sparrows!

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Hi

Can associate with mazaroo… with regard to men… I was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer in April 2008. My ‘partner’ has since been finding solace in internet chat rooms and erotic (for want of a better word)txt chat forums. All starting back to when I was in hospital for my breast surgery. His excuses are pathetic and in my present state of helath and mind I don’t have the energy to deal with this…

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Hi Polly sue …know exactly where you coming from …feel free to PM me if you wish to talk more in depth .

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Well my OH turned on me verbally the other night after an off the cuff remark I made regarding him ignoring me. I really touched a raw nerve, and so as is per usual, we ended up arguing. He was soooo unreasonable, nasty and his comments about me and my behaviour were simply not true!

So We slept apart again, and I wrote him a letter, even though I said I wouldn’t anymore coz he never responds. This time it seemed to make a difference though. In the letter I tried to explain how I feel and why I think he is like he is. I mentioned the lack of sex and how I think it is affecting him too.

The next day he was civil, even smiled and chatted. I’ve cracked it I thought. Then tonight he jumped down my throat on 2 seperate ocasions and so I can see there will never be any respite from this. I will either have to accept that he is now mr grumpy the grumpy man and walk away when he is nasty. Or leave. I can’t afford to leave. When I was in recovery and on 1/2 pay, my OH refused to return to work (11mths). In that time we not only spent our savings to live on, but had to use the overdraft too. I am quite bitter about this as I think he was irreponsible and caused me added stress. Anyway, because of that I have zero cash to set up home elsewhere.

It’s all very depressing that I see my life spread out in front of me with no love or sex or intimacy other than the odd hug from a friend or relative. I know for shaw that this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t got bc, lost a breast and become the person I now am, a person he can’t love or relate to.

Maz. I am tempted to agree with some of the other comments. You really should show him that his behaviour towards you isn’t going to rob you of your life. I’ve met you. You are attractive physically and personality wise. You are a lovely person with a great sense of humour, and you deserve more (as do I)!

Irene

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ok…so I have had a glass of wine…but I wonder where this leaves me…I think that Sno and Maz have put into words so much of how I feel. I have just recently sorted out a date for counselling, I am very synical about it and really fear theat I will come accross the ‘able bodied’ counsellor who will tell me to try a silky camasol. I feel that I have a loving and understanding husband and get really peed off thinking that things could be worse, but the truth is, I feel that I have been robbed and I agree, that it is at the very least a disability …I see it as a disfigurement, a complete violation and a I am bereaved. I wish I could have put something more consructive…don’t get me wrong, as I have already said…he loves me and me him…but it will never be what it was and we will never be who we were and for that I am bereaved. Why am I on here at this time of night?!!

Best wishes to all,

Oh Sno and Maz you have said it all…

Scarlet.

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scarlet - you put it in a nutshell. So clearly. I’m so sorry, scarlet and I so feel for you, we all do I know. Why can’t the professionals acknowledge what everyone who is a human being knows, the elephant in the consulting room.

Why are they pushing - yes, pushing (with screening, with breast awareness campaigns) - for people to come forward for treatments which essentially offer the choice between death and dismemberment, with the disablement that comes with that? and not at least acknowledging that this is what the choice is, that it is horrific, that some people would prefer to die intact, that the choice should in any case be ours. And that they have the deepest sympathy and will do what they can to help us salvage a life, but that they recognize that it is a terrible thing to be robbed of something so fundamental to life, to a relationship, that is highly likely to kybosh an existing relationship, and make it difficult to form a new one, that the nature of any relationship we can now have is going to be different. It is all so obvious. It is an insult for them to just keep lying to us that the treatment gets us back to normal, as we were. They ended life as we knew it, and only people who are falling short of honesty will deny that. How can we respect such people? How can they respect themselves?
sno

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Thanks Sno
I think that honesty is a very hard and brave state of mind, God knows I spend a lot of time kidding myself, faking it, laughing and being ‘normal’. Honesty with one’s self is hard to face, we sometimes don’t like who we are, what we see, how we see it and to face that is hard. It is also brave because when we do face it we know very well that it will be so very painful…so we have to choose not to be honest most of the time. Sorry, I’m talking in ‘we’ when really I should not generalise such a fragile subject, however, I do think that at least we do have each other and for all our different views, lives, marriages, relationships and diagnosis…we do understand eachother…even when we all don’t agree.
I find strength in knowing that I am not alone in feeling bereaved and also that being ‘brave’ on here and about this to eachother is very different to the being brave that friends and family refer to. I often say and I guess I believe, that my family and Hubby had a worse journey than me…it was so painful for them not to be able to take it all away…my mum just wanted it to be her…so very hard for them all. But, now I find myself still trapped on this journey and now it’s more complicated because it is not all about a physical thing…operations, chemo, rads etc…now it is ME and my feelings and goodness me that is a very complicated place to be. No body, who is not in our position has any real idea of the horrors and undeniable heartbreak that we face each day and that we have to deal with.
Sorry, don’t mean to sound negative…just need to share, if you know what I mean.

All the best
Scarlet.

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Hi All …Irene thanx for your compliments xxxxxx Update my other half is really making an effort … not on the sex side that has gone forever but just being civil,which makes home life more bearable without the bickering I can cope a bit better …I have gone along with it just for the sake of peace as I have resigned myself to the fact that this is my lot .I am not in a position at the mo to change it so I will just plod on with the brave face and the pretence and let everyone around me think that life is good I am too old to start again and upset my whole family as it would just come out of the blue as they have had no indication of what has been happening …I sometimes wonder is it me …just in my head has BC changed me so much and I cant see it .? who knows but i look around me I have a lovely home ,nice car lovely kids loads of clothes jewelry and things so I should be grateful ?? But sometimes its not just about stuff!!! is it but like i say this is how it is so I better just get on with it and stop craving for something that I can never have and making myself unhappy xxxxx
Maz

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Scarlet

Very much with you on the being brave and appearing to be living just as nefore and still socialising and laughing and crying inside, always crying in silence. It is true “laugh and the world ;aughs with you, cry and you cry alone”. I cry at bedtime most nights, just tears of grief mostly, for loss, for such unbearable loss …

You most definitely are NOT alone.
Reg.

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Hi ladies, please forgive me for crashing in here but Wow! Sno White, Regina & all the other likeminded ladies who have written, thank **** for honest people like you who stand up and tell it like it is. It’s OK (in fact it’s a godamm right) to feel angry about what’s been taken (albeit sometimes temporarily) away from us and for all the other people in our lives this bloody C thing has affected through no fault or choice of our own. Boy have you lot released the beast in me - would you bear with me for a couple of mins? (then tell me to get lost if I’m too much:-)!)

Brief intro: I’m 43, single and have had diep following DCIS which had just started to turn invasive (would have ‘got me in 6 months’) so no choice but to have M op (disgusting word with so many negative connotations!). I’m grateful that I’ve been lucky enough to have an op which gives me most of my boob back (apart from a small round patch cut from my belly where areola and nipple were - nice!!)). For me, losing the nipple was the most crushing part initially and how many times was I told ‘oh, you can cover your breast’ and ‘there’s more than one erogenous zone you know’ (no, really??! how DARE they!), to which I replied. ‘I know but for me, during sex, everything’s on the menu and I don’t wan’t to hide a part of me away like some ashamed monster, why should I?’ I’ve also heard, ‘You’ll meet a lovely man who’ll love you for who you are and it (breast) won’t matter to him’. I WANT my boob - both of them, to ‘matter’! Also, I don’t want a man to patronise me - I want passion not pity!!

Oh sure, the diep is a wonderful operation and the results look OK (will be even better after a recon nipple even if it can’t feel anything!) but don’t these well meaning people (‘learn to love yourself’, ‘be positive’ etc) realise that part of the grieving process is to vent anger and frustration and it is a right to feel pretty p*ssed off with everything which has been taken away without a choice, before getting to the ‘love me’ stage. I’m lucky that I only have to have 5 years tamoxifen (wouldn’t dare complain as god knows how many people have to do chemo/rads & worse), but it’s still not great.

God ladies, I could rant for England but I’ll shut up for now as I have rather ‘butted in’. Slightly different ending for me: I WILL have my sex life back (I’m not going to be sentenced to enforced celebacy at 43, I’ll decide when sex stops thanks - even if it is only with me present for now - eek, did I just say that, yes I did!). As for wearing twee little cami’s to fool a potential partner? No thanks. If I do decide to wear sexy undies/use props etc, it will be because I want to or for fun NOT because I have to. After all, even if I fool the man by ‘covering up’, I wont be fooling me and aren’t I supposed to enjoy sex too? I’m a lover not an actress!!

My motto: If I have to fake it then f*ck it!!

Love and thanks to all of you & thanks for tolerating me (if you didn’t fall asleep during this rant). Nighty night.

C xx

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Cathy …I am loving it …said like it is a girl after my own heart …love the fake it or f**k it bit …Quality words …welcome to the gang !!!

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Diep - I can identify with so much of what you say and it makes me crazy that we all get thse platitudes from the well meaning. Everybody, Scarlet, Maz, Sno, anyone I missed - we all feel the same so why does it seem so alien to medics esp BCN’s, who are supposed to be counsellors and communicators about the ops, to understand??? I have been made to feel like a nympho because I miss my sex life and other women were pointed out as shining examples of coping and “moved on”. And have they? I bet quite a few live sex free or damaged lives and smile through gritted teeth.

Love to all

Jane x

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Dont forget to add me to your list ladies !!

I have posted before.
I have the categorical assurance that my double recon has no impact on his sexual feelings towards me.Ha!
He says has just changed, grown older and lost his sex drive.
The magazines under the bed tell me otherwise.

I have tried to discuss it, and failed. I have given up. Along with the interest went the affection. Guess that is just it !!!

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Evening all!

Maz (thanks for your welcome) and Jane - thanks so much for your comments - I was a bit worried I’d kind of butted in with my rant(believe it or not, I’m quite shy!) but everyone on here with fire in their belly on this subject have really made me feel normal and not some sex crazed maniac (understand your comment there Jane) who dares to still contemplate sexual activity past the age of 40. Interesting - the one thing that could make most of us feel a whole lot better is the one of the first things that we’re expected to readily accept giving up (or modifying!) and damn well deal with it. The result? Unhappy or frustrated husband/partners who may or may not feel driven to look elsewere - and the effects on others around us.

I accept and respect that not everyone has sexual needs (some have ‘gone off it’ and some naturally don’t desire it anymore and that’s fine). There are also people who can take it or leave it. It’s those of us who still want to be passionate, still want the thrill and to feel sexy (and yes, to the snarly husbands, still even have sex with you - they didn’t choose this disease you know!), who can sometimes be made to feel uncomfortable.

I’m off to feed my face for now so no long rant, just lots of love to all (and thanks again for letting me in :slight_smile:

Cathy x

PS: Julie - hi, sorry about hubby stuff. So painful. Who’s the beautiful dog? Now there’s a love you won’t find too often (lost both mine and miss them far more than anything)