I’m a little bit ahead of myself here as I don’t return to work until the end of February (I was dx whilst pregnant so am currently on maternity leave - my daughter will be just about to turn 1 when I return).
My worry is that I am not the person I was when I was dx. I used to be SO organised and knew exactly what needed doing and how to get the job done. It’s not like that now - I struggle with simple things…like trying to organise a buffet for boxing day family dinner even! My job is in lower management and I had only been in my role for 2 weeks when I had my dx. I therefore don’t know exactly what my job IS at the moment - there were role changes whilst I have been away. I just know that I will need to be very self otivated, organised and able to multi-task, and I can’t. Going back to my boxing day example, I knew what basic food we had and what needed to go out but I just couldn’t get to the point of putting things together to make a meal. Does that make sense? I’m sure it’s something to do with the treatment.
It isn’t as though I’m distracted by the cancer or thinking about it all the time etc. I just think it has changed me. I also know that I have had a lot to deal with what with the cancer, pregnancy, and the subsequent (not linked to chemo whilst pregnant) life shortening genetic disease my baby has. Oh, and I also have a 2 year old.
Work are great and have made a point of keeping in touch and they’re always telling me how well I’m coping and how much they’re looking forward to me joining them. I’ve actually worked for the company for 5 years, it’s just the role and team that were new. They also tell me how busy they are and what a challenge I have to look forward too…eak! I know they’re trying to make it exciting but it’s scary!!
I’m not sure that I can cope with failing to do my job well…and I know I can’t do it well if my brain doesn’t wake up soon.
Does anyone else feel liek this? As though they just aren’t the person they were?
I know exactly how you feel. I have just returned back to work on a phased return 3 days a week after being away for 10months. My work have been terrific and always kept in touch with me when I was off.
I was like you always so organised in my work and knowing exactly what I was doing each day. I have found it strange being back and having to fit in with arrangements already made. I am a classroom assistant in a large secondary school working with young people with various learning and physical difficulties. I love my job and I am glad to be back working with the pupils again. I have worked here for 11 years, so know all of the staff which has been a great help.
I know what you mean about simple tasks taking for ever, I get angry with myself for feeling tired, but I know this is one of the things I will have to live with.
I am sure like me you will do fine at work and it will all come back to you quite quickly, and always remember don’t be afraid to say if you are not coping. It is not a sign of failure and people do understand all that we have been through.
Hope this helps you a little. If I can help with any more advice please let me know.
Hi
I went back to work in April after nearly 7 months off work. It is strange but you get back into the swing of it. The best advice is to take it very slowly. Meet with your employers before you go back and get a definate plan of action, spelling out what you will and will not be doing. I finished chemo in February and I am currently on herceptin and still find it hard to concentrate or multi task and I get tired out much quicker than before.
I keep my employers up to date with my hospital appointments and how I am and I am very strict on not taking on more than I can handle. I did over do things at work a couple of months ago and I felt like I was having a breakdown my head was all over the place, I asked for a meeting and explained how I was doing too much and we worked out a new plan of action with a new revised role.
I am now full time but I have a different role at work to the one I had before, but I am still aware that I get tired much more easily than before so I have to be strict with myself not to over do things. Not always possible though as I over did it at christmas and as a result I had to come home from work early today exhausted and with “man-flu”.
It is good to be back at work, as I enjoy my job. Be gently with yourself and get to know your limits. Macmillan do publications for employees and employers on best practice in the workplace might we worth getting hold of them they are useful.
I went back on a phased return for the two weeks before xmas, I wanted to get back to ‘normal’ but i’ll never be 'normal’again. Work have been great and everyone really supportive but I’m struggling to be me (whoever that is now) and do the job I use too. My brain is just moosh and I’m finding it really frustrating. Hopefully It will get better and my brain will speed up abit!!!
I would love just to win the lottery and not have to work at all…now wouldn’t that be lovely x
Hi girls i can definately relate to all you ladies have said i have been today to a meeting with HR and occ health as iam returning to work Jan 4th I feel so scared that i wont be able to cope and at first iam just doing a few hours and some update training ( mandatory) and i still have all this years holiday entitlement to get so wont really go back properly untill end of March ,I am a staff nurse and seeing as i cannot remember to take my own blinking tablets im worried how im gonna remember to give 27 patients theirs aswell as the fact i canot even remember my password for computer My manager reassures me that as soon as i touch the keys it will all come flooding back ,i hope shes right cos my concentration and multi-tasking is non-existant also xxx Julie
Well, it’s nice to know I’m not alone…but I’m still worried that I won’t be capable of doing my job! Oh well, never really wanted to be in top management anyway LOL
Please keep posting ladies. I’d love to know how you’re getting on as you settle down and also to hear from more in a similar situation.
It’s funny (not in a ha ha way) but I thought that because my treatment was over and I have some serious R&R boked before my return, I’d be back to my near usual self by the time I returned. Cancer just seems to linger like a nasty smell though, tainting things that I thought it wouldn’t be able to reach 6 months (post treatment) down the line.
Hi I RTW on Tues too.Having a phased return over 4 weeks, 3 x 1/2 days 1st and 2nd weeks then 3 full days 3rd week and full time 4th week. I have said I feel that this might be too ambitious and would like to review at the end of each week but am told this is not poss. Filled with dread.Have had a really awful time with HR. Have a fitness to work certificate from my GP and she has ticked all the boxes except not fit to work so am hoping to rely on that. I too cannot remember my password for my computer.Forms sent off to Occ Health over a month ago and they were to contact me but have had no word from them either.
I had always loved my job but am feeling quite ambivalent now about going back due to HR’s attitude.
Hope I feel better about all this by Tues. I still have quite a few appts to keep in Jan so will need time off for them too.
Hoping for a better yr in 2011 and wishing this to all of you too.J
After a career in teaching disaffected youth I developed BC and after mastectomy a doctor told me there is a high percentage of teachers with BC because of the stress of the job. Taking tamoxifen changed my life - foggy brain, joint pain and tiredness. I no longer work as a teacher and have myself found a 4 day week in retail - money is crap but the work is easy and when I leave at the end of the day thats it - no lesson plans to do, no activities to plan its lovely.
I am not saying change careers but I am so happy that I made the decision to calm it all down - I can cope now with the tamoxifen damage, I dont stress myself and I really appreciate the 3 days at home.
Perhaps just thinking about part time or cutting back hours somehow is all you need to do - its how you want to manage YOUR life. This is about you and you must allow yourself to live how you want to.
I will give myself time to do what I want, how I want and when I want. BC has changed my life and I aim to make it for the better.
Dont you deserve to do whatever it is with your life?
Peace and love everyone
Have a fantastic 2011 with health and happiness. x
If I had to RTW full time I think I’d be even more worried - or perhaps the correct words would be exhausted at the thought. Luckily I reduced to 3 days a week when I had my first child 2 years ago so will be returning to the same…I am considering reducing to 2 though.
Problem is that I earn much more per hour working where I do than I would in a less pressured job. I have considered leaving and taking on something much more simple but am hoping that the return will just be a rough patch and then things will get better. I don’t want to work the same hours for much less money - I’ve worked hard to get where I have, am only in my early 30’s, and need the money.
A jackpot lottery win is the answer I think!!
The mentions of OH and Dr notes all sound good though - extra protection from being put under too much pressure when I do return. I’ll have to look into it.
I returned to work 9 mths after diagnosis, stayed for 4.5mths then left! Id been a midwife for almost 5 yrs but I just couldnt do my job very well anymore. I was always exhuasted, forgetful and unco ordinated. I loved what i was doing but 2 days a week left me gasping. Nights killed me… I was previously full time.
In short, i think i returned to work FAR too soon. Guilted into it by work and i honestly think if i had stayed off longer i may have coped better. I still have no plans to return and we are barely scraping by money wise but i honestly dont have the heart or stamina for the job anymore.
I went back full time into a 3Year Primary class, including 2 children with downs syndrome, in a socially deprived area. ( I knew nothing about downs syndrome). I thought I was fine. Now 4years and 9months later I have crashed and burned both physically and mentally. This time when I go back I’ll do it slowly and carefully thinking about me and how I feel.
Very interested to read all these RTW comments. Think I will just have to play it bt ear and spin out the phased return for longer than the 4 weeks HR told me.I am part of a small team 3 of us(having worked through chemo when there was only me in post)We have a proven evidenced business plan in for 2 more WTE and this has never happened
Daisy do tahnks for your comments I do appreciate them.
It is so difficult trying to explain to colleagues how one feels when looking ‘normal’.Jackie
Well first afternoon back at work went OK ish.Lovely to see colleagues. Had team mtg then had to 'wait in’for nice man from IT to come and get me into my PC lol.A director attended our mtg and was horrified that I am having phased return over 4 weeks and was on to HR immediately and she has arranged Occ Health appt in 2 mins flat even though I ad been waiting over a month for this.Oh the power lol. Feeling tired now and tearful but I think it is the anti-climax.So we shall see.Good luck anyone on RTW this week/month. Jackie
well i went back this am at 7.30 am start first downfall was i had to get a size bigger in scrubs ( as i have put on so much weight) I was pleased to see a couple of familiar “old” staff on my shift as i stood at the desk my manager flashed passed and i smiled and said “morning” to which she replied " oh hi Julie I didnt see you i was wondering who it was with the blonde hair ( marjorie my wig ) well that felt very welcoming . I continued to feel a bit like a fish out of water and busied about setting the linen trollies etc untill breakfasts arrived,when they did i went down put my pinny on ready to give a hand to dish up to which she waved her arms at me ( i thought she had burnt herself) and said no no it only takes 2 of us to do the breakfasts so i said ok fine and sheepishly walked away feeling very " in the way " so i grabbed a bowl of porridge and went and fed one of the pooly ladies out of the way .( 9am couldnt come quick enough ( as i was on a course) so at 1/4 to 9 i asked if it was ok to go and asked her what duties she wanted me to do the rest of this week and next she said just do what you have done this week ( 1x 1/2 day ) and take the rest as holiday ( this is supposed to be a phased return ) as she was sitting at the computer and she didnt look up from it so i went and got changed went on my coarse finished at 12 md and luckily she didnt see my tears as i went off and didnt even say bye to anyone .Not a very nice experience and im now dreading next week . x What a bitch
I hope you won’t mind me butting into this thread, Julie, but as an ex staff nurse I was interested in your return to work. I read about your first day back and I could totally imagine how you must have felt… what a horrible experience! How do these people get to be managers? You must feel disheartened, but patients ( I hate the term “clients”!) need you, you sound so caring and helpful (to other ladies on this forum too, and I’m sure lots of them will post a reply to you as well.
A big hug to you,
Heather.xx
What area do you work in?
Not at all nice! Do you think this was the equivalent of people who stop talking to you because they don’t know what to say, are afraid of saying the wrong thing, or simply can’t deal with the anxieties someone else’s disease raises?
Hello all
Have to say I returned to work 8.5 weeks after dx and whilst having rads. NEVER AGAIN -big mistake. I should have taken more time off. I work for a local authority and tbh they were great. Phased return etc. It is my fault now that I feel like I do. I just wanted to get back to ‘normal’ but didn’t realise that ‘normal’ would never be the same after cancer.
It is 19 months since I returned to work and every minute of it has been hell. I seem to have to try so much harder to concentrate and I think my principles may have changed a bit! You know - work is not everything and to please peopel is not the B all and end all either!
Now my OH has been dx cancer. He is already retired (69). I just wonder now how I am supposed to cope. Also when I returned to work after Christmas I am informed that one of my staff has taken out a grievance against me. My managers say nothing to worry about and they support me all the way. Still - I can do without it. Come on the lottery …PLEASE … NB when it comes to cancer just take as long as you can and as long as you want then add at least half of what you initially thought about. XXXX
Sorry - also meant to add - GOOD LUCK to those of you on RTW. Won’t necessarily be the same for you. I just went back too soon. Not such a ‘brave’ thing to do. XXX