Laying here not being able to sleep! My Dad passed away just over 3 weeks ago. I have been rushing around preparing the funeral and closing off what was left of his life, plus looking after Mum.
I check my breasts regularly but on the morning of the funeral I found a large lump. I was sat wrapped in my towel and literally felt it there while holding the towel. I was shocked by the size of it, it feels about 5cm! I know it wasn’t there 2 1/2 weeks before as hubby said he would have noticed if you know what I mean.
I called Dr’s and they offered me an appointment 20 minutes later, I couldn’t take it due to the funeral so they saw me at 3:30pm that day. I had to leave Dad’s wake very early.
I’ve had a lump before, much smaller and it disappeared the morning of the breast clinic appointment. This lump is in a different area, almost behind and just above the right nipple. It’s not painful. When laying flat you can see ithe top of it and can see it if I push my breast up. It’s not painful although I did have an uncomfortable feeling whilst laying on my side over the past couple of months.
The Dr examined me but his tone seemed to change when he found the lump. He said it is changing the shape of my breast and said he was referring me to the breast cancer clinic. I think that worried me as normally they would say breast clinic. He also told me not to poke or prod it.
I should be reassured now I have an appointment date but it’s only added to the worry. The hospital I have received an appointment for was not either of the 2 he had mentioned. It does have a fantastic cancer centre. I called the Dr’s when I received the appointment as I was away from home and had not yet had the letter but a recorded message. I called to check as it I thought it said general surgery. The lady who I spoke to does the bookings and she said if she were in my situation she would want to go there. When I checked the letter it was dated the same day as the Dr checked the lump. I’d only been there at 3:30pm so they must have booked me straight away.
Hubby can’t come with me. He is self employed and subcontracts on a Wednesday. I don’t want him to not subcontract that day as if it is the worst he may need to go full time with them as I am the main earner and cover every household expense while he is building a business. I don’t want anyone else with me, it’s silly but I can’t deal with people who have not been in the situation telling me it will be nothing.
I don’t feel like it’s nothing. About 4/5 months ago I actually had an awful feeling of panic about cancer which just came from nowhere. I know everyone thinks the worst but believe me I do! I’ve had problems with periods for the last 8 months so have also been referred to gynaecologist as keep missing periods and they want to do a biopsy to rule anything out. Just don’t believe this is happening.
I wake in the morning and see the lump is still there. I try and forget about it until the bra comes off and reminds me. I’m so angry and can’t function well. It’s silly but I keep thinking I just haven’t got time to deal with this if it’s the worst case. I think we all convince ourselves it’s the worst scenario but I really do feel it.
Im sorry you have all this going on especially so soon after losing your dad, these things have a habit of coming along when you already have enough on your plate. Of course your mind is in overdrive now, the minute any suggestion of something being wrong is put to us it will be all we can think about.
This waiting period is so stressful and inspite of trying to distract yourself it will be all you can think about, that’s normal, your mind has gone in to panic mode trying to work out what’s going on, it can’t find an answer so will keep going around in circles which just fuels your anxiety. You just have to try and ride this period out until your appointment, they aim to be able to give you an answer on the day or at the very least an idea what they think is going on. There may be further tests like a biopsy if they can’t be certain the lump is nothing but that won’t mean it’s cancer just that they can’t tell by the imaging what it is for sure.
Its a shame your husband cant go with you, mine is also self employed so I know it’s difficult but I really needed him with me and a second pair of ears is very helpful as it’s a lot to take in by yourself, is there anyone else who could go with you?
I can totally relate to feeling angry with it and feeling you just don’t have time to deal wth this but if you have to you will, I’m over Three years on from diagnosis now and you get through it.
When is your appointment? Please let us know how you get on and we will help as much as we can while you wait Xx Jo
You’re right, it’s all I think about. I have a daughter who has mental health issues and the worst thing is I’m struggling to deal with her as everything is about her. I just feel I need space and can’t deal with others at the moment.
Hubby has managed to change his day next week so will take me. My appointment is at a hospital that’s meant to be very good. I hate driving in cities so was going to get the Metro in.
I felt the lump again this morning and I can lift it right up my breast so I’m hoping it’s a good sign. If it turns out to be a cyst because of menopause, I think I will complain the the gynaecologist who won’t give me HRT!
I really can’t deal with anyone saying “you’ll be fine” etc, the only ones I want to hear from are the Dr’s.
I came up to bed last night and Dad’s photo was on my bed. It was a large one that had been displayed at the service. I had a look and moved it somewhere safe for Mum. I thought I’ll have a few minutes peace and ask him to help me here and make everything ok. I woke at 2:38 and posted this first post. My daughter who is 26 messaged me this morning and said she had dreamt my Dad came to her last night. She lives 250 miles away. She said she can’t remember dreaming but just the bit when he was there. He was stroking her hair and in his northern accent just said “ya Mam will be ok”. She woke up and felt cold where he had stroked her hair in the dream. It was 2:38! Same time as I woke up. She said it felt so real and she could hear him speaking. I’d love to believe it was a sign but my head tells me otherwise xxx
Aww Marshmallow I’m sorry you are going through the same too. It’s the worst feeling I’ve dealt with and I just want answers. Waiting only an hour is bad enough when my emotions change so many times in that hour. I actually feel physically ill because of it and can’t concentrate.
Did you find a lump too? I don’t feel ready to deal with this. I’m 45 but I feel 15 still. It sounds like I’m writing myself off I know but I just don’t know how to feel positive when I haven’t got a clue with what is going on.
I wish you well for 27th, please keep me posted and please feel free to chat. What time is your appointment? Xxx
Yep! It’s certainly completely normal to be anxious, we’ve all been there & the minority of us who do get a bc diagnosis, get through it & back to life as usual, but as ever, the uncertainty of waiting sends the mind into overdrive.
Just to say, conversely, I responded by going into a denial whilst waiting, convinced it wasn’t bc, then…?, but it all worked out just fine in the end.
IF you do get a diagnosis, it’s certainly not the end of the world & the vast majority of us recover & move on. Treatment outcomes are the best around now.
ann x
Just a day to go to my appointment and for Marshmallow too. Mornings are the worst, when I wake up. I’m still dealing with grief of losing my Dad too which was only 4 weeks ago tomorrow.
I’ve actually felt so ill this last week, physically too. It’s not like me but feel like I have a virus like you do with a cold or tonsillitis without the main symptoms. Just tired and weak. The pain in my legs is awful and it’s worse when I sit down at work. Luckily someone has lent me a foot stool to put under my desk at work. I normally walk 7-10 miles a day too! I think it may be the stress of the lump and waiting which is making me feel physically ill.
Jo I totally agree with you. The stress is making me physically ill. I don’t feel like going to work etc but I push myself to carry on.
They say that a death, selling a house etc is the worst stress you can deal with. I’ve had my Dad’s passing and then his funeral to arrange, all his affairs to sort out. I’ve had to dispose of all of his auction purchases (one lot was 1/2 an 8 yard skip of burned out tools) ?. 60 black bags to the tip to declutter Mums house. Mum is 250 miles away so I’ve driven 1000 miles the last 4 weeks. I’m helping her sell the house and we were going to buy houses up here in the same street so that’s on hold for me. I’ve got a teenage daughter to contend with too plus I have a biopsy coming up for my womb. I swear I will be grey in the next couple of weeks ?. I do try and laugh about it all and I’ve stopped counting how many times a day I say WTF!
I sound awful don’t I as this could be something or nothing. If it’s nothing as I hope, I will certainly hold a piece of me that can relate and have empathy for the strong ladies who fight this disease xxx
Thank you everyone. I’ve written a long post on the forum but the great news was it was a cyst! Over 4cm long which has now been drained and gone. So relieved and feel I can hit the unpause button and carry on! Xxx