Hi @Seagulls , it’s very very difficult to keep so many plates spinning, unless you feel strong, positive and healthy. I thank god that I was strong and relatively healthy (I have a neurological condition and IBS) when briefly caring for someone with MND and then the long, slow decline of my mother. My brother remembers me saying in her final year (not that we knew that then) as we were clearing the family home of 47 years for sale “If I don’t get 5 or 10 years of peace and quiet after this, I’m going to be furious”. I didn’t get my 5 years of peace and quiet as I had the cancer diagnosis 15 months after she died - a slow, horrendous death that I witnessed over 5 solid weeks and which I relive every day. So I can fully empathise with your situation. I don’t think there is a remedy for it, certainly no magic bullet, nothing guaranteed to work. Some take antidepressants but that’s not for me, some do things like CBT or have counselling. I think I’m too old and have experienced too much for all of that. For me it’s just sadness and regret at a cellular level that no drugs or talking will ever eradicate. What it does do, however, in my case at least, clarifies my thinking about the time left. You have so many people still dependent on you which is hard when you’re dealing with the fallout of your cancer. I feel for you. If you ever want to chat over DM, feel free.
Dear Tigress thank you very much for your reply and I am so sorry about your mother’s ill health and then your own diagnosis very soon after.
My fear at the moment is that I am getting increasingly forgetful and I have convinced myself I am in the early stages of dementia which all my nearest relatives have had as my family is generally very long lived. I am thinking of insisting on proper tests so I can find out early enough to get some aids for it if I need them.
I prefer texting people. I don’t know why but I feel I need distance. The only place I really speak to people is my weekly Al-Anon meeting for relatives of alcoholics. This has really helped me over the years.
I can tell people there exactly how I feel without any advice from anyone there. So I have an outlet for my emotions and a sounding board. It’s free therapy for me.
Once again thank you Tigress you are fearsomely kind to a feeble old bird.
Seagulls
Seagulls
I’ve read a number of your posts over the past 15 months and one thing I know is, there’s nothing feeble about you.
You’re forgetting things because of the treatment, the drugs, the stress, strain and sadness of your recurrence. Understandably so. Full disclosure: I had a CT scan on my brain in November, so convinced was I that I’d started on the dementia path. It was suggested by my neurologist. All completely clear, just the cancer fallout.
Fully respect your arms-length approach 
Thank you Tigress. Tyger tyger burning bright in the forest of the night…one of my favourite poems
Hello again @Seagulls and @Tigress
I’ve read both of your posts and empathise with so much of what you have both said . I haven’t had it as rough as the two of you but it’s been a hard few years for me as well . I’ve lost a lot of elderly relatives including both my parents but the manner of losing them - seeing them deteriorate into people who were barely recognisable was terrible for me but worse for them , particularly for Mum who was a beautiful incredibly sharp woman and whose health collapsed quite suddenly . I did what I thought was right at the time I also have regrets though there were many things I got right and I worry that when I get to the end of my life there will be nobody to advocate for me as like both of you I have no children. I do have a partner but if he is still in a position to be my advocate by then and to be honest I doubt it - then he will be useless at it .
Seagulls I’m really sorry that things are getting yet more difficult for you. I am currently dealing with my Dad’s affairs - property 80 miles away Probate etc. I hate it all and I’m no good at it . I’m inclined to agree with @Tigress that your forgetfulness is likely to be due to all the stress with everything that you are having to deal with - there’s only so much room in your head for it all.
Joanne
I had that experience of watching my mother die - quickly fading before my eyes over about three weeks of a suddenly diagnosed Non-Hodgkinson lymphoma. I also had the frustration of knowing something was seriously wrong but not being taken seriously by the medics. I finally got her into hospital but I then watched the nurses attend to computers and not notice how my mother was fading before their very eyes. The memory of watching my father being so sad makes my eyes well up right now. My father died after a car accident 10 months later. I have more regrets about wishing I’d done more for him - for I was pre-occupied with moving house at the time! I know what you mean about the reliving thing…some images/memories are seared into your brain…but I have somehow mostly banished them by refusing them permission to enter my consciousness as too painful. How? I really don’t know…sometimes I think it’s a self-defence mechanism. Also, regrets about things done/not done/said are inevitable - we’re only human!
However, I just think - I never want my children to have that kind of ‘haunting’ on my account, and I know my parents would have felt the same. So I focus on the positives. I positively invite their memory in - I often refer to them/talk about them, especially to family. I even talk TO them when something reminds me of something. I’ve planted a tree for each of them, on their birthdays and I say hello when I pass them. If I get a ‘flashback’ at night I turn on my audiobook which sends me back to sleep. I never keep anniversaries because they intrude and make me sad. You have to somehow find some way of banishing intrusive negative memories. Remember on your own terms.
Does any of this make sense? I hope you can replace the sadness with more positive memories. X
I am sorry to burden you with my feelings I think I need to stand up to my husband. He is afraid that he has some kind of cancer and just won’t stop telling me he has cancer even though he can’t empathise with me at all.
I have known him years and at his best he is good company but he is self centred to a surprising degree. Billy Ocean is singing when the going gets tough the tough get going so I must take this as a message to do my best but rest when I need to. I will put myself in the hands of Billy Ocean.
Seagulls
You’re having a hard time - I’d be feeling more than feeble with all that on my plate I’m sure. Who are the people visiting your brother? Are they to do with social services? It’s a worry…but you can’t sort everything out at the same time without taking a step back for your own sanity. Put bluntly, if you’re running yourself into the ground you won’t be any help to the others. You MUST be selfish! Can you and your husband just take some time/s out somewhere?
Just put the dementia fears away for now - you have enough things actually happening without adding things that might not! I’m sure stress can affect your memory and efficiency.
You HAVE to find a way to be kind to yourself - remember that it’ll benefit everyone if you’re feeling stronger! I know it’s easier said than done and I’ve no idea what you like doing. A lone walk with the dog works to clear my head sometimes…a walk with a good listener is even better. Little things- but YOUR choices. Good luck x
Oh dear…I see what you mean about your husband. If he thinks he has cancer, doesn’t he think the doctors would have found it?? How difficult - some people don’t have an empathetic bone in their body - it’s all about them.
And you’re not burdening anyone on here!
I echo what Geeps has said Seagulls . Here any time you need a rant . Keep listening to the music - I find it helps me and I have play lists for every mood. If you want your husband to understand that he’s annoying you then perhaps turning it up might help to get the message through.
Thank you @Geeps and nice to hear from you again. My relationship with my mother was extremely complex, far too much to go into on a forum devoted to another subject. All I can say is, whilst she never knew it (in fact she believed the opposite due to my often brattish behaviour), I saw myself as my mother’s protector but I couldn’t protect her from a pointless stay in hospital during which they demonstrated NO understanding of advanced dementia at all and their actions pushed her over the edge. I will never set foot in that hospital again under any circumstances. I couldn’t protect her from dying five weeks later, a slow painful death which was not peaceful at the end. I was there the whole time having to wear PPE which frightened her. But you are absolutely correct, if I could talk to the pre-dementia woman she was, she would very much not want me to be so permanently upset about her.
We’ve all got stories, haven’t we? Seagulls is still in the middle of hers, with her husband, brother and mother all requiring her attention whilst she’s dealing internally with her unknown prognosis. I, on the other hand, spend most of my time on my tod, thinking about things that can literally never be resolved. She, you and I are all about the same age with so much behind us which we have to continually process and time ahead of us in which we know anything could happen following our cancers. It sucks.
Bringing it back to the thread topic, how much of this melancholy I live with is caused by the lack of oestrogen is debatable. There is enough research out there that demonstrates a link between oestrogen and brain health. I could say more but don’t want to frighten the bejabbers out of anyone still undecided about endocrine therapy. I had a discussion with my oncologist on this point at the beginning of treatment but her view was that, as there has been no long term research into the impact of endocrine treatment for breast cancer on the brain, there is no evidence that there is a negative impact. Reading studies on the impact of menopause on the brain though and extrapolating those findings to our situation, might give us an alternative, intuitive viewpoint.
The biggest take-away I’ve had from our ‘correspondence’ though is that I should get a dog!
My Mum had very complex medical problems including a condition called autonomic neuropathy which was severe enough to affect her heart and blood pressure . Her local hospital were completely unable to understand this condition and how to manage it along with her other conditions . I found myself explaining over and over again it to staff especially Drs. every time she was admitted .I hope I never have to set foot in that place again.
Most of the time I’m okay now but it does all come back at times . I’m lucky to have a partner and friends , some relatives I’m close to and to live by the sea . It seems a shame that you’re on your own so much Tigress as you sound like a great lady and very intelligent. I don’t have a dog ( I’m chaotic me and him can barely look after ourselves ) but I am in a book group and that’s something I would recommend . We are a bit more serious than a lot of book groups I’ve heard of , some of the people in it are frightfully intelligent and well educated. That’s not to say we don’t have a laugh though plus lively discussions and reading something you might not normally read is very good for keeping the brain active . I did feel an awful lot better after coming off Anastrozole but it turned my body clock forward and it hasn’t quite turned all the way back so keeping my brain active is important to me. Xx
I’m so sorry about your Mum’s poor treatment Joanne. Friends of mine have similar stories about inadequate treatment of elderly parents. It makes you wonder whether there is an unwritten policy that the stretched NHS resources are focused elsewhere. I suppose it would be understandable if that was the case but it is traumatic for the family. As for solitude, I’m just wired that way. Never wanted a domestic setup (although I had a short one late in life which was curtailed by a diagnosis of MND for him and 8 months later it was all over) and I am not much of a joiner. I do have a network of good friends who I see regularly but I feel that no-one wants to spend time socially with a misery-guts so try to be like a firework - up like a rocket, short sparkling display, down like the stick.
Still undecided about the Letrozole. Taking it and would like to do 2-3 years but who knows if that would be enough even though my prognosis was good.
I am not as gloomy as I was. It is amazing what a good chicken casserole, a clear out in the garden and a good night’s sleep can do. My mother’s still on end of life care which involves taking away all the meds that previously kept her alive. I would prefer her to be taking these, but the nurse at the home told me yesterday that she’s 96 which I knew anyway, so won’t live much longer whatever meds she’s on. Actually it’s her 97th birthday on 15 April, not long but that’s not the point. I believe the hypocratic oath says do no harm, but if you have meds available to make someone better or less demented, why shouldn’t a person have them? Maybe she is on anti Alzheimers meds I will have to check. Cheers Seagulls
Sorry for the delay - I only just read this!! Yes…a dog! Unconditional love and agreement with all you say! If you’re not out at work all day and don’t have to leave it alone for hours, it’s great therapy! Ours is a working sheepdog…but don’t think ‘One man and his Dog’…the other day she fixated on some particular ewes in a far corner of the field and my husband ended up running round the flock - in his 70s with a heart condition!!! So the therapy can sometimes be combined with frustration! She still has to be walked regularly and I am much the fitter for it - exercise in all weathers, however I’m feeling at the time! But I ALWAYS feel better when I get back. Other exercise regimes fall by the wayside but dogwalking cannot.
I’m concentrating on squeezing the max out of my current fitness - just invited old friends for a meet-up and we had a lovely catch-up - I decided to be proactive because no one else was going to get round to it! I’m going to an amateur play production with a friend on Sat - wouldn’t have bothered a while ago, absolutely NO idea what to expect but there’s a chance I’ll enjoy it!
My husband and I went on a holiday a couple of weeks ago with great excitement - and he caught Covid which was miserable🥲…but now we’re still upright!
BC is in my mind all the time (wouldn’t I like it to just b…er-off!) but I’ve come to terms with my decision not to mess up my system with AIs which seem to carry more quality of life risks than a 2% chance warrants. And real risks too - blood pressure/cholesterol/osteoporosis are all dangers at our age!!! I see it as 98 women out of 100 will suffer for no benefit. If BC comes back there’s an equal chance that it would have come back whatever and I’ll have to deal with it. As my husband’s heart consultant said when my husband said he didn’t drink or smoke…”shit happens!!”
I have my demons and dark times but I’ve just kinda come to terms with them being an inevitable result of our experiences - a life lived to our age! Perhaps they can make us stronger if we don’t let them make us weaker?
I tell you what…I’ve stopped envying people! Everyone carries they’re own hidden experiences don’t they?!
I do hope your melancholy improves, and I wish I could help…perhaps the dog???
Interesting what you said your doctor said about studies and proof. I found this:
https://www.annalsofoncology.org/article/S0923-7534(20)32594-1/fulltext
Oh yes, the garden…and sleeeep! Such good therapy!
How are you doing now tappin? x
I’m ok, thanks! Thank you for asking! I have reduced the Aromasin to twice a week, and contacted the nurses to see when I can have a scan-my annual mammo is in July, but I do get aches in my collar bones and left boob now and then so not sure if it’s all in my mind or not!! I am going to do my Thyroid test next week, as that was out of kilter to with he meds, as well as the BP and Cholesterol. Recent bloods look ok, and apart from still tingly/numb fingertips -which I now think is one of the meds for BP, I feel ok. Am looking after my wellbeing more-trips to the hairdresser and facials, although I did have a set back some weeks ago, I booked a special facial and on the morning of the appointment got a request to fill in the medical history for the practitioner, only to be told after sending it to her, she wanted WRITTEN permission from the oncologist to carry out the treatment! She said her insurance demanded it-so unless she had made a booboo on someone no-one has ever heard of such a thing-I’m not undergoing any active treatment! So I was very down for a few days.
I have read other similarly aged women on here who have also decided quality ids better than quantity, so I think I will stop when I get to the end of the current pack.
Thanks for that @Geeps 
. I’m used to reading dry, complex legal documents but this is above my pay grade. It did seem to look at QoL after only 2 years though whereas most of us are in for 5 or 10. I’m sorry for repeating myself but there is such a range of outcomes, it becomes a crapshoot. I have got a bit of progress though in that I’ve got the agreement of my BC nurse to try alternate days after reading an interesting paper on different dosing regimens Double-blind, Randomized Trial of Alternative Letrozole Dosing Regimens in Postmenopausal Women with Increased Breast Cancer Risk - PMC (haha two can play at that game!). I’m loathe to completely abandon it yet because I am a cowardy custard but admit to swaying like a reed in the wind every time I read your rationale for rejection. It will be interesting to see how this impacts side effects but I have to say me old knees don’t seem to be as creaky at the moment - maybe I’m imagining it. Can you be reverse psychosomatic? Another reason for persevering is that I’m not as fit as you. Alas a dog is not possible as I split my time between London and NW Cambridgeshire and it just isn’t practical to have a pet. I am envious that you have a Collie though - what adorable, clever, beautiful animals.