Just looking for some advice. I was diagnosed in 2005, then with bone secondaries in 2008. CT scan in Jan this year showed progress in bones and secondaries in both lungs for which i received chemo which finished in June. A few weeks ago my chin, lower lip and teeth became numb and a CT scan showed secondaries in my jaw which are prob pressing on a nerve and oncologist thinks 5 treatments of radiotherapy might help take pressure of the nerve so i get some feeling back. My quandrary is should i tell my parents. They know i have bone secondaries but i didnt tell them about my lungs and haven’t told them about my chin. They are both 78 and arent in the best of health themselves and my mum is a real worrier. The thing is I speak to my mum on the phone every day and visit once or twice a week so if i am having treatment for a week i would have to lie to her every day and i would feel bad doing that but i dont want them to worry more about me than they do already. Was just wondering what other folk in the same position thought.
they are only 10 years older than me. I would be so upset if I discovered my daughter had been hiding something as important as that from me. Im her mum, its my job to worry about her.
Hi, I hope the rads help. Apart from my husband and daughter few of my family know the whole works so to speak. Partly cos I don’t want to end up feeling like a little walking map with x’s marking the mets. And for me it’s been important to stress to others I’m still me, I’m more than my cancer diagnosis. Family know I’m stage 4 but I don’t disclose every progression. My Mum died a few years ago but during the time I have had mets. She was also a worrier and I only told her the bare minimum…good luck whatever you decide to do…x
Telling my parents about my diagnosis was the hardest thing I have ever done. My mum is a real worrier, too and she has her own health problems. When I was diagnosed, unknowing to me at the time, one of my grandparents had a fall and never recovered from it. It was very very hard.
My mum knows me too well for me to lie to her. And your chin is very visible, so I’m not sure how you can manage to hind that from her with the side effects of radiotherapy.
I have bone, liver and chest wall secondaries and has just recently started my 3rd chemo after 4 weeks of radiotherapy failed to halt progression. Mum knows it all but I always related everything to her in a positive tone just to reassure her that I’m coping and cancer is or will be under control and that I’m being well looked after. But of course, unless she’s with me, she always get the news a bit later, after I overcome the initial shock.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck with your radiotherapy. M xx
Trish,
Firstly I’d like to say how very sorry I am to hear you have had further progression but it does sound as if your team are on top of things and it sounds like they should be able to improve the jaw.
I appreciate how difficult it is to make decisions concerning our parents and how much to tell them. My parents are also in their mid to late 70s and telling them about my secondary dx was the most difficult thing. My Dad took an overdose and landed up in a psychiatric hospital for a while(I still don’t know if it was anything to do with my dx) . I was so gentle with telling my Mum that I wasn’t sure she had understood the implications and had to have a horrible chat about the possibility of me 'going’before her.I tend not to talk in too much detail about treatments etc however I don’t think I could not tell them about new treatment specially if it meant lying, I wouldn’t feel happy and if my parents found out I think they would feel hurt and upset. Obviously only you can make the decision but if you talk/see your Mum everyday she is likely to realise that something is going on. I think I’d be inclined to tell them,but play it down as much as possible so that it doesn’t sound too scary (if that’s possible!)
I wish you luck with your decision and I hope that the rads work really well without se’s and you get back to having a proper functioning jaw - let us know how you get on please.
Sorry to read your news and all the best whatever you decide to do.
I’m 63 and would be upset if my daughter didn’t tell me, I think the same as O & L, its my “job” to worry about and support her. And, as m1yu says use a positive tone to tell them to reassure them and stress how good the treatment is and how well you are coping etc.
If you don’t tell them and they find out later they will be even more upset.
Good luck with it all, the telling and the treatment. x
That’s a tough one. My parents are both dead so I didn’t have to face this question. I do have a 97 year old Aunt - and I haven’t told her - yet. There is nothing she can do to help and she would only worry. I only see her a couple of times a year because of where she lives so she hasn’t seen me with my wig - yet.
Let us know what you decide to do - and good luck with the treatments.
Hello Trish,
So sorry about the new diagnosis. My Mum is 89. We also speak on the phone every day and I think she would come to realise if I completely witheld info from her. I do tell her what’s going on, but just the bare
essentials and try to make light of it even if I don’t feel like it.
I know she worries, but she would hate it if I didn’t tell her.
As others have said I’m still her baby (57!), she’s the Mummy and it’s her job to care about me. She considers my wigs to be fashion accessories!
It’s a hard one, please do tell us what you decide to do and good luck.
Thank you all for your thoughts, i suppose it has confirmed what i knew all along that i should tell them. I am going for lunch with my mum on thurs so will tell her then i think.
I think whether or not to tell your parents is a very personal decision based on how your parents will react and if you can cope with that reaction. In most circumstances, I would say that your parents should be told if they are able to cope with news and can be relied upon to be supportive.
My own mother is 80 and I have not told her of my DX. She does not have the sort of personality that can cope with this kind of news. She would go completely to pieces and need looking after herself, putting an additional burden on an already stressful situation. I am not exaggerating. This exactly what happened when my sister was diagnosed with BC.