Hi all i was just wondering if there are any single ladies on here or maybe ladies that were single when they were diagnosed? I would be interested to hear any stories (succesfull or not) about dating. Did u manage to go on dates? When and how did u tell the person u were dating? I have a few issues about dating while undergoing treatment. I am putting my health 1st to a certain degree (i’m drinking less alcohol and not going out as much as i used to) but i still want to live a relatively normal life when i feel well enough to do so. I have a picc line in so feel like i have to wear a top with sleeves to hide it when out in public, my hair is beginning to shed so it wont be long untill i need to resort to scarves and am worried that will affect my confidence and self esteem about my looks. I have real issues about my cancer being baggage for a new partner. I expect all men to run a mile if i tell them i have cancer. Is this normal or do i need to change the way i think? i cant begin to tell u my fears about the upcoming mastectomy. I was told i could have a reconstruction but not at the same time and having read posts on here i see there can be a wait up to a year for that. How on Earth can i have any kind of sexual relationship with a new person when i only have 1 breast (of course i’m not going to jump into bed with just anyone.) I’m really starting to think that i’m going to be single for the forseeable future as nobody is going to want me. Is anyone able to reassure me that there is hope?
I am guessing from your handle that you a good bit younger than me (thoguh I am still under 50!) and have different aspirations than mine. I am single and happy that way, so can’t really comment on the dating side of things, but wanted to reassure you that what you are saying is absolutely normal, and the questions are questions everyone asks single or in a relationship.
In terms of confidence, can I suggest you look out for a ‘Look Good, Feel Better’ course in your area? They will give you loads of tips for makeup and a big bag of top brand free samples. Everyone I know who has been to one loved it.
If you feel well enough to go out during treatment, then that’s great, and will also help you feel better. I tended to avoid hot or crowded places during my chemo because of the infection risk, but I still went out where and when I wanted to.
A lot of women seem to find that getting through treatment uses all their physical and emotional energy and there is nothing left for much else. However, I do know one or two ladies who are just venturing out again into the world of dating and enjoying meeting new people.
Hope all goes well with your treatment, and that someone with a more useful reply is along soon.
Hi Revcat. I’m in my early 30’s. I am happy with everything else in my life but all my friends are coupled up so i feel like the odd one out. It would be nice to have some company not necessarily something too serious especially now. I have been asked on a date recently and feel like i need to go asap so the guy sees the real me before my hair loss etc. I know i’m being silly as the right person would accept everything and like me for who i am and not what i look like but its still doesnt change the way i feel now. I have got a leaflet about the look good feel better sessions so will give them a call. I have the opportunity to go out with my sister this weekend to see a local band play in a pub. I am feeling perefectly fine at the moment and am not due chemo untill next week however If i go i know i need to be carefull around groups of people and also i probably wont drink very much if at all so i already have to make changes to my normal life and all for this stupid disease that none of us want.
That’s what I guessed about your age. I recall early thirties as being a time when it seemed everyone else was in couples and the old biological clock going tick tock tick. Much easier being late forties.
Re your potential date - if you want to go and you feel up for it, then go girl! But go because you want to, not because you feel you should. I don’t think you need to mention the cancer on the first date if you don’t want to - he won’t be spilling his deepest secrets either - but don’t put it off indefinitely. Perhaps if a second date looks likely that’d be the time to say ‘by the way…’? Not that I know anything useful about these things.
I get what you mean about the ‘real’ you but actually she is still there, however the outside gets altered. You are still beautiful - hang on to that, even if by your finger nails.
You will find the right way through for you, and that’s what matters.
I’ve been speaking to my potential date for a while so he already knows my situation and wasnt phased by it as his own mother had it a few years ago. I was suprised that he was still keen on meeting once i’d told him. We did talk about meeting this weekend but both of us have plans and i’m having chemo no 2 on Tuesday so chances are i wont be well enough to meet untill next weekend at the earliest. I guess i’m just frustrated that my body wont allow me to do things that my mind wants to, if that makes sense. Thankyou for your kind words and reassurance that i’m not going mad. x
Please believe when I say you’re not going mad…although I do have a boyfriend, we’ve only been together 8 months and he’s taken the news very badly…although I love him and he me, I suspect that my diagnosis may be the death knell of our relationship…I’m sure all of these things go through people’s heads, whether they’re single or been married 30 yrs (no-one wants to become a burden, after all)
However, having lived with Renal Failure and a Kidney Transplant for over 20 yrs I can say that I have a fair amount of experience with these things…during the time I’ve had my new kidney, it’s outlasted my marriage, a long term relationship and 10 yrs (yes, count them) of dating…so trust me when I say, I’ve done the ‘leg-work’…and what you’re feeling is quite natural under the circumstances…
The way that I dealt with the issue was to not mention it initially…but wait maybe three to five dates (you can usually tell by that time if there is something ‘good’ between you)…and then tell them…I always went for total honesty, including the implications long term of my transplant, side effects etc…(makes it sound like I did a Powerpoint presentation, but you get the drift)…admittedly, some men ran a mile when they found out but I figured it was an effective method of screening out the arseholes…Lol…
Take things as they come but remember that your health is more important than a relationship at the moment…although your friends are all coupled up, I’m sure if you tell them how you’re feeling, they will go out of their way to support you…maybe try meeting up with some people in a similar situation to yourself (either through here or the local Cancer Support Group) who you can hang out with when you feel able…
Lastly, I know its trite, but listen to your body…it really is very good at telling you what it needs, once you learn how to listen to it…if you’re tired from the chemo, REST…any decent bloke will still be there after your rest…
Hope this helps and please don’t hesitate to contact me if you need some support/advice (I’m a Qualified Psychiatric Nurse so have a pretty good insight into relationships and their dynamics)…Best of luck…
Hi Jane thankyou for your reply. Everything u said makes sense and i do feel better now so thankyou for that.
Hi Sian,just had to say hi and reply to your message.
Im late fourties and at the mo going through chemo,i lost my hair a while ago now.
Can just say i cried buckets when i was told i needed chemo and was going to loose my hair,as i had very little confidance but my hair was my shield and my pride and joy it was lovely. I got it cut into a short bob before i started loosing it,but once it started to shed and it did trust me i just got my daughter to get a pair of clippers and take it to a number four. I felt absolutley amaizing i was like a new women. i had stressed so much about loosing it that it was a relief when it was gone. Its so easy now you get out the shower and pick your ready to go hair on a w3alk out of the door I still have my nights out and so will you,but you have got to go with what your body is telling you dont push it too hard just listen to it.
Im single and if a guy was to ask me out i would go and just go with what felt right. Probabley wouldnt tell him on the first date,but then knowing me and how honest i am i probabley would lol But if he is a decent guy then it would make a differance,no more than how i would be if it was the other way round. I would just enjoy your life,it is about working around it your life doesnt have to be put on hold.
I hope i have’nt bored you too much.
Not at all Donna thankyou for your reply. I am listening to my body. Can u believe i have been up less than 12 hours today and all i’ve done is go to the cinema and have a mooch around Tesco and Asda yet i am shattered and heading to bed soon. I have decided to stop thinking about it and let it be, que sera sera so they say. I am on day 18 of my 1st chemo and hair is starting to come out. I too was devasted at the thought of losing my hair but actually i am coping ok so far. It comes out by small handfulls when i run my fingers through it and it is annoying me by falling onto my clothes all the time but not enough for me to cut it all off just yet. I did have long hair and cut it to chin length just before my treatment. x
Hi Sian,yes i can and its hard to get used to i know.
You need to remember to keep giving yourself a pat on the back you know aswell for being so brave and posative.My eldest daughter has to remind me from time to time. It is tough this battle but we will win the war
Hi Donna, You know what sometimes i forget how hard this fight is so your right we do need a pat on the back sometimes. I have treated myself today and I have been into London for a day out with my sister and nephew to visit the grave of a friend and meet up with friends to toast him. Before that we walked along some of the sights like The London Eye, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, Downing Street, Horse Guards Parade and Trafalgar Square before heading to Tower Bridge where we watched Team GB win another gold medal in the rowing on a big screen. The atmosphoere in London is amazing, there’s a real buzz in the air. After we had been to the cemetary we headed donn to the Olympic Park but got turned back at the train station as we didnt have tickets which was a bit dissapointing. I was meant to be going out tnoight but have turned it down as i dont feel up to it after such a busy day. My feet were throbbing from all the walking we did and i have a pain in my groin which came on in the afternoon. I’ve never had that before so i know i may have overdone it. Tomorrow i plan to spend the whole day doing nothing. I need to get my energy back so i’m fit for chemo on Tuesday.
Hi Sian, I’m mid 40’s and single. There are times on this journey when I really wish I had that close intimidate partner to give me a hug… But mostly I’m fine… Except steroid days… Lol.
I am on chemo 3, about to go for 4. I am bald (ish), think if I was shiny bald it would look nicer, I am fat in the tummy ( I was anyway but now much worse), fat steroid face, oh and one temp implant, I call it my half boob… Now that tells you how I view myself. Lol. In my clothes with my make up on… No one would know what I was going through. I haven’t let all my vitality but I feel a bit detached from my life.
I go out, went to a festival a few weekends back and had an amazing time.
I had put the prospect of dating, and indeed being intimate with someone on the back burner… Because apart from feeling undesirable, I think I have too many barriers… The thought though of no romance… For what now is looking like another year and a half before my boobs are fixed… Is quite depressing.
Friends say… You’ll meet someone, and it won’t matter and they will be worth it etc… I know when you meet THE ONE that will indeed be the case but putting yourself on the dating scene and opening yourself up to other people’s issues is really hard… A huge barrier for me.
In saying all this I am happy single, I think mostly it’s the THOUGHT that this option isn’t available for a very long time.
I know I dont have answers for you but I think we are of a similar mindset, in a similar position despite the age gap.
Take care, enjoy your life between treatments… If you think you have an opportunity with someone then explore it as far as you are comfortable with…
Much love elli x
Eli what you have described is exactly how i feel! I may not be bald yet but my hair is definately thinning and my scalp is tender. I am overweight and just think nobody is going to find me attractive. As you say many people say things to make you feel better like you will meet someone one day and your hair will grow back but nobody knows how scary it is to be in this position than another sufferer. Thanks so much for reassuring me and dont worry that you are not able to give advice simply knowing i’m not alone with these feelings is enough.
Hi Sian and Ellie,its so nice to know both of you are in the same boat as me and have the same little niggles at the back of my mind. Would of given both of you a giggle a minute ago ive got to say. Ive had my fourth treatment and over the last few weeks ive noticed my eyebrows and my eyelashes going really thin,i never had really thick or long lashes anyway : ( Anyway so i baught myself some false ones,ive never used them. Funny i had to utube a clip to show me how to apply them,every clip looked so easy. Not easy,after i dont know how many attempts they stayed in place woo woo But omg when i looked in the mirror i looked like a bloody drag queen without the wig,you can only imagine what i looked like.Came to the conclusion i might buy some maybe not so long and get one of my daughters to help.
Sound like you had a lovely day yesterday Sian,i can only imagine what the atmosphere was like. What a buzz that would be.Your being really good listening to your body rest id definatley what you need. Is this chemo number two for you?
I agree with you both about the things what people say that can be annoying,and i do know it meant with the best intentions. Nobody knows what its like and how hard itis to get yourself through this really tough battle. i do remember a friend saying oh its only hair it will grow back,if it was me she said i would just shave it all off before it started to fall out. Friend for thirteen years but i also noticed lots of other little things about her over the first couple of treatments,as in she never bothered her but to pick up the phone to say hi how are you! needless to say i no longer consider her to be a friend and have no contact with her.You do find out who your true friends are,this has actually braught me and my work mates closer. Im not able to go in to see them were i work as its a doctors surgery but we meet regular now and txt and call one another all the time.
Omg sorry ladies ive gone on and on again.
Hope you are both haveing a lovely day,take care
Donna your message is like a breath of fresh air! So many things i want to comment on. I’ll start by saying i did actually laugh out loud and have a big grin at your eyelashes story. I’ve never tried false eyelashes either and its interesting you say its only now they are beginning to thin. I’m dues chemo number 2 on Tuesday and keep looking at mine willing them to fall out as they need plucking but i didnt see the point as i thought they’d have gone by now. The hair on my head is a different story altogether though. I know what u mean as lots of people have said the ‘its only hair, it’ll grow back’ phrase to me and sometimes i want to scream. Just like u i know its meant with good intentions but it still gets to me occasionally. Last week a neighbour gave me a lift home from the supermarket and whilst talking about my prognosis she commented that she knew how i felt as she has to be routinely scanned and checked for cancer in her throat. I wanted to say that she has absolutely no idea how i feel as while she may be checked for cancer every few years she doesnt actually have it and has no idea what a diagnosis does to your self esteem! I resisted though as i knew she meant no harm. My hair is thinning slowly but surely and actually i’m dealing with it better than i expected. Inwent to my local library a few weeks ago to try to find some books for my son and whilst talking to the librarian about how dificult my 11 yr old son is finding the hair loss she suggested i shave it all off. I almost recoiled in horror at the thought of it! It was hard enough cutting my long hair to my chin before i started chemo, there is no way i’m going to cut it untill i absolutely have to no matter how annoying it is that it keeps falling on to my shoulders and tickling my face and neck while its constantly falling out. Here’s 2 stories for u about knowing who your friends are. After my diagnosis i spoke to my sons teacher and informed her so she could support Jamie (my son) at school. He had told a few friends so word soon got around and the usual rumours started that i was going to die. This didnt upset me too much as i expected it and its just kids who didnt really understand what they’re talking about. One Thursday Jamie came home from school with a boy who is the son of a friend of mine. I cant say i’m the boys biggest fan but as Jamie and he rarely play together i thought nothing of it. I even spoke to the child and invited him in while Jamie got changed. The following Monday Jamie came home from school with a story that the same child had told children from school over the weekend that i had died!! I didnt believe it at 1st untill the next dday when Jamie came home saying the boy had been spoken to at school by his class teacher and the head of year and had been made to apologise. I still didnt think it was true untill another parent told me her son had heard the rumour and was very upset. By the time i realised this child had been saying such cruel things i was angry i wanted to confront him and his mum. To me that was downright nasty. He knew exactly what he was saying as he had seen me just days before and knew i was fine yet decided to say horrible things to my sons friends maybe out of spite or what, i dont know. I didnt confront the child or his mother though. Why i hear u say? His mother, my so called friend. I have only heard from her twice since i’ve been diagnosed and both times it was more about making her feel better than me. The 1st time she sent me a message wishing me well and i thought it was kind but an hour later she sent me another saying she couldnt stop thinking about me, that i should contact her if ever i needed anything and that even if she had plans she would drop everything for me. Funny that since i had split with my boyfriend 3 months before my diagnosis and she knew i was devasted by it i never heard from her then so i knew it was just talk. Apart from thoses 2 messages and her asking if i wanted Jamie to go for tea at hers the week i had chemo i still havent heard from her up to now. She has never contacted me to ask how it went, how i’m coping or even how Jamie is and nor do i want her too now. I knew if i told her what her precious son had been saying about me she would go overboard and make a big fuss which i could do without. I dont need her forcing him to apologise to us or trying to make herself feel better by offering to do things for us. I prefered to keep my distance but lo and behold if i see that boy i will say something to him. On the flip side a girl who i went to school with and i’d class as my best friend has been amazing even though she lives in Scotland and i’m in the south of England. We can go weeks without speaking to each other but always catch up to the last time we spoke. She has a young baby and has just found out she’s pregnant with baby number 2 yet. She works full time as well and still manages to call or txt to check up on how i’m doing. Last week i had the shock of my life when she sent me a huge parcel full of things i might need when i’m feeling rough. The box contained new pj’s, slippers, a small bottle of wine, sweets, biscuits, ginger chews, candles, a lip balm, an eye mask, ear plugs, several books, several dvds. a puzzle book, a pen, some stickers, a face mask, and some fakle eyelashes!! There was also a card with such lovely words in. I was stunned that somebody i have not seen in 4 years could go to so much thought and effort. So you see we can all work out who our REAL friends are. Sorry i’ve ranted on, way more than u did Donna lol.
It’s hard with friends.
Like you Sian, I broke up up with my ex just before diagnosis, and he still has my heart also. Makes the dating thing bit more difficult.
I have a few collegues that have really stepped up, lunches, organising me etc… And I appreciate it. My family… While they love me, haven’t changed anything… Part of me likes that, but sometimes I feel a little let down. One friend really let me down, I still love her and wouldn’t fall out with her but she started seeing someone and due to her own difficult situation , let me down to see him. I don’t grudge her romance but don’t say you’ll do something for me and then let me down… For example after first chemo… I was feeling rubbish and she offered to bring me shopping first thing in the morning, I asked for essentials only… Bread, milk. My shopping arrived at 7 at night… Because she had suddenly became free and could see the boyfriend… Instead of just saying I’m struggling now she kept telling me I’ll be there at 2, then 4 etc… I couldn’t even make my daughter a sandwich.
I don’t doubt we will all get there.
I think that dating seems so serious now too… I’m not flighty that way… But I would flirt and take numbers if I liked someone and worry about it later… Now I worry about it first…
Take care ladies x
Elli Some of my family have been the same although my elder sister has been fantastic. She has been to every appointment with me since my diagnosis, she came from work and stayed over night after my 1st chemo because i had been sick and she was worried about me, she calls or txt almost every day if i dont see her and i’ve used her house almost like a haoliday home especially when the weather was warm. I spent a few days sitting in the shade in her garden which was lovely and we walked her dog so i got out of the house. She and my mum both smoke whereas i dont. My sister was willing to give up smoking in her own house for me unlike my mum and my sis was going to buy a stair gate to keep her dog downstairs if i was ill at her house as she knows i’m not keen on dogs. She also bought lots of bottles of the antiseptic handwash for all the family. My mum has had a cough for a few weeks and despite my sis nagging her to get it seen to and reminding her that she could be a risk of infection to me she has refused to go to the doctors about it.
Thats pretty unfair of your friend to let you down like that especially when u need to look after your daughter. I do understand that you dont want to fall out with her but i think we definatly learn who we can rely on.
As for the dating thing thats how i feel about it now too. I see my sisters going out to pubs with their friends and having a great time, occasionally getting chatted up like i used to and feel like its not fair that i cant go. I also have the feelings that once i go out wearing a headscarf people will instantly know i have cancer and will keep away from me, either that or i’ll get the sympathy vote. I’m better off not worrying about it but easier said than done.
Sian, I mostly wear my wig and no one knows unless I tell them. I have been pleasantly surprised by people’s supportive response… I think a lot of men have experienced it in their families… And admire you more than pity you. I have a lot of randoms on my Facebook… Through football pages and a lot of these guys I don’t know pm me with support, sometimes just to ask how I’m doing… A couple of male friends have disappeared off the face of the planet… You just never know.
Why don’t you go out? I do… I go to the pub, I’ve been to the dancing ( night club ) for you younger ladies haha, festivals, football, meals out, cinema… I do everything I did before except work… I don’t do it as often, only when I feel like it but I’m still out quite a lot. I’m halfway through chemo right now and I spend a lot time resting and sleeping too…
I don’t get chatted up like I used to, but I think that’s because I’ve lost my sparkle… And I’m not sure I would encourage attention anyway which I’m sure also comes across…
It’s good your sister is there for you, my friend Pamela has been my rock. I can’t complain really but have experienced the let down, but once you know who you can rely on and for what you don’t get thrown by it anymore…
I don’t want my life to be all about cancer/ chemo… Finding a balance is hard at times.
Elli its not really that i cant go out it hasnt been the right time so far. I’ve either been busy, not feeling well or too tired but all being well i’m hoping to go out this coming weekend. 2nd dose of chemo tomorrow and last time i was fine by day 3 so hopefully it’ll be the same this week. I’ve been out for meals, round to friends houses for a cuppa and catch up and also to the cinema. It’s my birthday on 18th, I’m off to the Isle Of Wight with my family for a week on the 19th and i’m going to see John Bishop in September so i am trying to carry on as normal when i can.
Hi Sian and Ellie,ive got to say i look forward to reading both your posts.
Sian your friend sounds lovely when i was reading what she had sent you i got so emotional,she is an absolute angel. Wouldnt it be lovely if we all had a friend like her. Good luck for tomorrow i hope all goes well for you. I can understand why you never approached the mum of this nasty little boy as ive never confronted my so called best friend about the way she has totally neglected me. I just avoid her like the plague now. If i was you i would stick my foot out just as the little horror walks past so he falls flat on his face : ) and hope there is a big load of dog poo that he lands on. oops im so wicked but he deserves the little monster. Rant over about him lol How is Jamie,it must be really hard for him he so young?I know my youngest Jack who was 16 in May found it really hard to deal with at first,he cried and was hugging me so tight when i first told him,but after that he just didnt want to talk about it untill about a month ago. He came to my last treatment wich i think helped even more its given him more of an understanding of what its all about i think.
I find that too with my random male friends on facebook or i have an ex who contacted my through fb and he has been an absolute star texting regular just to see how im doing. itis definitely a time you find you true friends who yes you can rely on if need be. I hated my wig to start with and felt like everyone was staring at me and they new i had a wig on, but like you people dont know untill i tell them.
I hope you both have a lovely evening