As I’ve posted before, my sister lives abroad and appeared to go into some form of denial over my illness. I was very stressed out when she visited twice last year on account of the way she behaved towards me - it was as if nothing was going on and I was being a drama queen. She came over 2 days after I had been taken into hospital isolation in an emergency and the first thing she said was “oh, aren’t you fat at the moment” - I was on a major dose of steroids at that point and my face had ballooned with them. A couple of months later she came for a family wedding and asked me if I was going to wear my wig as my hair was short and silver.
She’s over again, this time she is renting a holiday place 25 miles away. She rang me 2 nights ago to say she had arrived ok, but she didn’t ask how I was or if I was well. She just launched into telling me about flats she was looking at for 250k as she wants a place to rent out whilst she is working away for the next 5 years.
I’m too busy with my OH’s business to drop everything and OH isn’t fussy about seeing her as he is so disgusted. She’s told me she will be across here next Thursday if I want to meet, but I’ve got a business lunch, then a hospital appointment the next day. I really can’t be bothered with the stress of all this and it’s one of the reasons I’m having counselling (that’s the hospital appointment). I’ve put a lot of hard work into getting my confidence back this last 3 months and I can already feel some of it slipping away. I feel terrible because it’s my sister and I know she is feeling sorry for herself at the moment and trying to put me on a guilt trip - however, I don’t see what there is to reproach myself for as it wasn’t my fault I got cancer.
Also I know when I see her it will be all “oh are you not dyeing your hair” (I’m now silver and love it) and I will also get asked if I should be losing a bit of weight. I’m 5ft2 and size 14, she’s 5ft 8 and a size 10; she’s also talking about getting her face lifted…
Anyone else got problems like this?
Hey Cherub,
This sounds familiar, with the variations that it’s my mum that’s the culprit and I dealt with her cr*p asap. I’m really sorry that your sister’s utter insensitivity - the result of a narrow, unimaginative mind - is causing you pain, but you really shouldn’t let it: she deserves your pity, even if you are sick and she is physically sound. I’d email her, if you can, and say, in critical tones, that you really get nothing but grief out of speaking to her in person and, while you’d like to keep in touch - being sisters and all that - text contact is quite sufficient as you can stop and delete when her comments become too hilariously offensive.
I’ve always known my own mum was lacking the decency gene and was suspicious about her initial response to my dx - and rather astonished she didn’t snipe back - ‘serve you right for…’. Remarkably supportive and regular in her sympathetic inquiries, she was. I understood why the day I was actually about to be admitted to hosp with a raging infection during my first round of chemo. She rang in the morning, asked how I was, and - keeping stiff upper lip - I said ‘Not too bad.’ She repeated her question, asking for more details & I made the same reply in slightly irritated tones. “I can’t tell everyone you are just feeling ‘not too bad’” she sez. “They’ll want to know more than that.” I went ballistic. “I don’t care what you tell the ghastly old hags of your acquaintance… tell 'em I’m dead, that’ll get you the sympathy you crave…blah, blah, blah.” Then went into hosp for 4 days.
The old bag obviously realised I was cross and emailed tentative sympathies (no apology) when I got out and that’s when I trotted out the ‘I don’t want to speak to you live any more - you SCARE me.’ Long, long silence ensued, which she finally broke a week ago - by email - with a sort of half-ar*ed apology. Got her whupped. You want to transform the pain your sister causes you into a good, gut-spilling bout of rage. Even if you are overheard, or she tells people her version of it - let’s face it, we have cancer. Right is on our side!
Get mad AND get even.
M-L xx
I think one of the worst things was when she sent me an email with cartoons attached which were making jokes about ladies going for mammograms (squashed flat boobs out in front and bosses saying “I didn’t know you were due a mammogram”, that sort of thing). I was really very shocked and emailed her to say how offended I was, I also said I didn’t need reminding that I now have to go for a mammo every year. Her reply was she was sorry if it caused offence, she wasn’t thinking. She also sends those American chain emails asking you to light candles for ladies who have died. She is 8 years older than me and has always been a bit resentful of me as she was the youngest child and the only girl until I came along. All she goes on about is shopping,spending money and dieting and I am not interested. Last time she stayed with us she complained about not liking the colour of the carpet in the spare room. I had recycled it from another room and had cleaned it, she proceeded to paint her nails on it and when I told her off she replied “well, it’s not as if it is new”. Bear in mind this was the day after I got out of hospital isolation.
I started a copywriting course recently and she always has to match me, latest thing is she’s looking to do this too. I am fed up already before seeing her and she is here another 2 weeks.
sadly you don’t choose your relatives. I basically stopped talking to my mother and father five years ago and it has freed me up to enjoy being as selfish as I like. I live for my own enjoyment now
I didn’t find my family remotely supportive during my cancer treatment, in fact if anything I was expected to support them emotionally as usual as that was my role in the family
not any more
Mole
Your sister sounds a very sad insecure person who has to match you or bring you down at every opportunity. Just because she’s your sister you don’t need to put up with her saying or doing things as you’ve described. I’d have no qualms about inventing lies so you don’t see her much whilst she’s staying near you. Years ago when I was doing Tai Chi and other martial arts we talked about people who drain your energy away and others that help boost your energy (your true friends) - she’s definitely a drainer 
I would be selfish about your needs not hers but I tend not to rock the boat bigtime so I couldn’t say the same things as M-L (no offence, it’s good that you CAN do it!) so do and say what you’re comfortable with. Unfortunately we can’t chose our relatives , as Mole says, but sure as hell don’t need to put up with their cr@p.
Nicky
I don’t think you even need to confront her if this is difficult. Just say “sorry I am busy”. And keep on saying it, and blank her out of your life. Let’s face it, we have enough to deal with.
Louise x
This is very difficult for both you and your OH. I agree with Louise, it’s probably easiest just to keep saying you are too busy to see her, because that’s true,if you don’t want to expend what little energy you’ve got on a big confrontation. Life is too short and precious to have a major fall out with our family members,however much we dislike them at the time. When she matures a bit she may be the one who comes to your rescue in some way, and you’ll be glad you were still on speaking terms!! Family should be the ones who look after each other, although I know that’s often not the case. I am very blessed to have the support of my parents and two brothers. Maybe a sister would find it too hard to cope with,because they secretly fear they will also get the b.c. at some point. I think that’s why sisters react badly, as discussed on another thread. But we don’t have to put up with any criticism from them about our weight, colour of hair, etc, that’s just SO unnecessary and insensitive. I hope things calm down, and that the rest of your treatment goes well. I recommend the article by Dr Harvey called “When treatment is finished, what next?” It is written in such a sympathetic way, it really helps you to know it’s normal to feel the way we do! Type his name in the search bar on here and it should come up.Or, I will try to bump it up.
Hope you have a better day today, and the sympathy you need flows your way. Hey, that rhymes!
Love and a cyber ((((HUG)))),
Ann
I always remember my sister’s comment when I told her by phone I had BC - she burst into tears and when I asked why she was crying she said ‘Because it means I might get it’ and put the phone down on me. I couldn’t believe it but then I was still in shock from my diagnosis.
We are OK now but I can never forget that. Nor the cruel email from my best friend saying she was tired of pussyfooting around me when I’d said I could not meet her as arranged - this when I had bad depression and fatigue following the treatment. Again, we are OK now but I still can’t forget.
The only revenge I’ve had is to write them both out of my will!
You must cut this poisonous person out of your life until you feel more up to dealing with her. It’s worth not cutting ties completely as you never know when you might need each other - not that she sounds the comforting type!
Good luck
Sue X
It was very unfortunate in that she was here visiting when I was diagnosed. My diagnosis came out of the the blue as I had been told I just had a fibroid, turned out the fibroid was hiding a tumour and the surgeon had to tell me when I went back for the follow up after the fibroid removal. This was the day before my sister was due to go off again.
What my OH cannot forgive is that she said to him “what should I do?” and he told her he could not answer that, it was something she had to decide for herself. Whilst I realise emotions were high at the time, I have always felt this was an unfair position to put a man in who had just been told his wife had cancer. OH says had it been his sister he could not have got on the plane the following morning as he would have had to stay on for a few more days to give support. Had the boot been on my foot, my gut feeling is that I would have also stayed on (especially as my sister is single). OH took her to the airport that morning and afterwards went somewhere quiet to watch the sun come up; he told me he cried for an hour in the car and thought he was never going to stop. I had already seen another side to her back in 2001 - our house was flooded and we lived near each other at that time. The flood was major and we were pretty much homeless until we could get temp accommodation. She didn’t come near us for 6 weeks and offered no help with the clear up. I could not have done that, I even helped her do things like stripping wallpaper and my OH did odd jobs and gardening for her. I guess now she is maybe one of life’s takers.
My sister has often been quite bitchy towards me and I just feel it has to stop now. She was very much my late mum’s blue eyed girl as I think she made a life that my mum would have liked had she had her time over. One of the things that reared its ugly head again when I was very ill was that my late mum used to always tell me as a teenager that I would never be like my sister. She always saw my sister as being very tall and refined whereas I was the short rebellious one who was opinionated and outspoken. My sister has always hated the fact I was the clever one and she hates the fact I did a degree as a mature student ("oh, it’s OK for you, you have a husband to keep you which is why you managed to go to college for 3 years…) Actually, I worked all the way through college and did without as much as I possibly could, but she never sees things like that.
Your sister seems to harbour huge resentment for you and for things in general, and your mother’s attitude didn’t help. God, families - cause more trouble than all the governments put together!
I note you are the one with the husband and degree, however - and these are probably another cause for resentment. (I wonder why she’s single??!!)
You must now only think of yourself, please don’t let her upset you any more. Easier said than done, I know, but please try.
Sue X
My sister has caused me a great deal of pain and upset, I told her my dx by phone, her exact response was you are a selfish bitch you will not die god only takes the good ones young!!! I didnt know what reaction i would get but found that response nearly as hard as the diagnosis. Another time when i was on chemo, and she had a bad back she said it was alright for me cos i had cancer so i got everyones sympathy whilst nobody cared about her, i was at her flat taking her little boy to school at the time!!!
My Parents let her make these comments to me and say nothing, whilst i am not allowed to say anything negative about her, all i can say is i would love to be able to forgive and forget but i cant, strangely i did my will the other day and made sure my sister gets nothing!!!
As I said, it’s families that cause more problems and trouble than governments!
We must look after ourselves and be selfish for once in our lives, even if our sisters think we are already! Annamarie’s sister’s response to the DX sounds psychotic to me.
Huge resentments which we can only let our weird relatives keep hold of and sour their own lives while we try and get on with ours!
Best to all
Sue
When I was first dx, my parents kept going on about how badly my sister had taken the news and all I coudl think of was what about me, I’ve taken it badly too!!! But I guess I was sheilding them from how it has really affected me. My sister has only phoned when she needs info for genetic testing, but she did the race for life yesterday.
I have fallen out with my brother as he got married last year on a day he knew in advance of fixing the date that I could not attend and did not invite my girls then aged 3 and 1 knowing that my OH has no living relatives so we had no one to look after them if we had attended. I e mailled him after the dx and asked why he didn’t invite his nieces and he responded that it was an oversight, which was a lie as my Mum had asked him at the time and he said they weren’t invited. I haven’t yet bothered to reply. I feel sad about it as we were close as children and as a family after that, but frankly I can’t be bothered.
Families, eh!
Kinden
x
Touche - when I got Mondor’s disease in my tumour breast, 2 yrs after dx, and told my elder sister she unbelievably said: “I told you to have that breast off, not just the lump!”. I didn’t know she had a secret career as a breast surgeon. I put the phone down and only spoke to her again, months later, when her caring young son, a cancer research scientist, wrote to me by snail mail, asking me to please get in touch with her as she was “very ill” - with psoriasis! He said her illness was exacerbated by the stress of my not being in contact…you would laugh if you didn’t want to cry.
My husband has no time for her whatsoever - she is mean with money and totally selfish. I don’t believe she has ever done anything for anybody, which is why she has no friends - just spouse’s of her husband’s friends. Thank goodness she lives in the North East and I live in Cornwall, otherwise I would be tempted to do a violent act. Before we got our second apt here, I twice booked the apt next door for her to come and see me - not that I wanted her around me when I was on chemo as she is very lazy…she cancelled, but I had to pay for the flat as my neighbour would not have rented it to me for friends. I still haven’t got the £600 it cost me.
A lovely, very close friend in America, that I met when living in Spain, bought me a fridge magnet with the legend: “Friends are the family you choose for yourself”. Says it all, eh?
Liz.
My God, you couldn’t make these stories up could you? There really is ‘nowt so queer as folk’!
I think something must happen to certain persons’ brains when they hear the ‘C’ word. And that magnet is right - you really do choose your friends but your family…well, they really are wished on us.
I can’t help wondering how my own mother would have responded to my DX, but she died of her own (cervical) cancer years before. She was quite self-centred and life revolved around my Dad - but I’ll never know of course. Incidentally, if anyone is the mother of a teenager and concerned about this cervical cancer vaccination I’d say don’t hesitate - having watched my Mum die of it is not something I’d wish on anyone. It’s horrible.
Best to all
Sue
I can’t believe this thread is here. It’s just what I needed at the moment. I have two sisters and over the last 10 months I have had trouble from both of them.
I was dx with a recurrence of BC last November (3rd instance) and was told that I would have to have chemotherapy followed by a mastectomy. My young sister, who is in Canada, wanted to come home right away. She can be a wee bit ott though and neither I or my OH wanted to have her here at that moment in time - I needed time to get used to the situation again. Unfortunately it was poor Mum who had to tell not to come and she bore the brunt of wee sister’s temper about it. She screamed and shouted at my Mum and cast up everything that had ever gone wrong between them. Then she came on MSN and told me how she wasn’t coping, she couldn’t sleep/eat etc because of the situation. She made me feel so bad that I ended up in tears too. Which sister had the cancer?
I had both a bone scan and a CT scan after diagnosis and there was the suggestion that my cancer may have spread to the lungs. The “areas of concern” in the lungs were too small for them to be able to say one way or the other and there was no possibility of a biopsy. I had 4 cycles of chemo, then another CT scan. At this point big sis asked me not to tell my niece if I got bad news. Niece was in her last year at uni and struggling with depression so I wouldn’t have added to her problems, but it still hurt that I may be in the situation where there was no chance of an all-clear and my sister didn’t even think about the effect her words would have on me.
My treatment is finished now. As I’d had 3 instances of cancer in the left breast I decided to have both breasts removed. Another CT scan showed there was no change to the size of the shadows in my lungs so they decided that it was 90% certain it hadn’t been cancer. I know I’ve been lucky.
Two weeks ago it suddenly hit me just how much I’d been through and everything that had gone on. I e-mailed both my sisters and told them how I felt about the things that had gone on. Neither of them have been in touch since.
Thanks for listening
Hazel
I know its the truest saying you can choose your friends but you cant choose your family, my brother stopped speaking to me for no reason whats so ever, and when i got dx i asked my oh if he could phone and tell him as i didnt want the rest of my family to tell him, and i didnt want to do it as i didnt want rejection at the time… When my oh phoned him he wanted to know all about it and at the end of the conversation all he said was pass on my love to her, he never called texted or nothing… After surgery when i was in HDU al i could do was cry for my brother , but at least i know where i stand now as it was Cancer i had and not flu…
Well, it’s been nearly 7 days now; I haven’t rung her back and she hasn’t contacted me again. I haven’t been feeling very well over the last couple of days - I got an insect bite on my ankle which gave me an allergic reaction and has caused my foot to swell and blister a bit. Been taking antihistamine for the reaction and I’ve been a bit dozy.
However, I feel quite small and insignificant at the moment. I have a counselling session on Friday with the psychologist and I will be interested to see how I feel when I’m there. I’ve worked so hard on my confidence this last 3 months and I’m scared of it all being undone as I feel very undermined. I haven’t felt as bad as this since this time last year when she was staying with me on the back of getting out of hospital isolation. I feel really pathetic to be honest with you all.
dont feel pathetic please,
we both have to concentrate on ourselves now, i ve just found out my brother has had a another baby without telling me or my Mum and hes 2 now. Do you know i am not wasting any more of my time or energy even thinking about him
Do you feel that the counselling is helping because i really feel that i need it now, my Doc wanted me to go about a 1 yr ago, but i feel i am not dealing with any of this very well at all. At the time of dx we have so much to get on with we dont have time to think its just now i feel scared… x
I have no brothers or sisters and have always longed for them,for someone who knows all the truths about you but,when it comes to the crunch is there with unconditional love and support.I have had some of that from my cousins.My uncle however,when told of my dx,said;"Eeeeh I thought I’d be the next to go!"He was he died last week.x