**!!** Sister!!!!!

My sis works abroad and I think I’ve told some of you on here before that when she has been over in the past year it’s like there has been nothing wrong and that life here is as usual, as in before BC.

Anyway, we haven’t had an email from her for weeks as she was going into hospital to have a vein in her leg treated and was off for a week. I could tell by the tone of the last message I got that she was feeling sorry for herself and expecting me to phone her, but I though no because she has hardly phoned me throughout my ill health; also when she has been over everything has had to revolve round her.

This afternoon I got an email with some humorous (not) cartoons attached about women going for mammograms. The drawings were of women with squashed flat breasts sticking straight out and there was a message from an American website reminding women to be breast aware. Maybe it’s just me but I didn’t think it was funny and I emailed back and told her that. She had actually put at the top of the email that I might want to pass the jokes on to friends as it was for a good cause and I thought no way could I send that to anyone who has had BC. I just thought it was very insensitive and she should have got her brain into gear.

I once had a very similar email sent to me by a work colleague. It was also a message from an American website about being breast aware. She thought it was extremely funny but I found it to be highly insensitive. She couldn’t seem to understand why I wasn’t impressed!

Your sister sounds as though she’s in denial about your bc - unfortunately it seems to be the way that some people cope with it. They sort of ignore it in the hope it will go away.

Jo

Sorry to say that I got the same email from someone I considered a very good and thoughtful friend - when I tried to explain to her how insensitive i thought it was, she just couldn’t understand at all - all she saw in the email was the message about having a mammogram - couldn’t see anything wrong with it at all. I decided not to fall out with her over it (but could have done quite easily) a apart from this she had been really good. They just don’t understand sometimes…

Margaret

Hi Cherub

Like the yourself, Margret and Jo I received a chain email with those cartoons. I thought they were in bad taste so did not pass them to anyone else. I wonder what they were thinking when they sent them to me?
I have experienced simlar issues with my sister who lives just 16 miles away from me. She has only been to see me once and phoned about 5 times in the 2 years I have been going through treatment.
I always get the ‘You know I am thinking of you’ line. Yeah right! I have been to see her more regularly but she never asks how I am, she fills the conversation about anything rather than saying the word Cancer or Chemo, I think she is frightened it may happen to her.

I have accepted her life is busy and taking care of her family and horse does take priority over visiting me but it does make me sad to think of how close we were before my dx. Funny old life really.

Take care
Carol

Carol, I feel the same as you. My sister only ever thinks of herself and her own welfare as he is single, when our late dad was ill with dementia I was pretty much left to it as she kept saying she couldn’t be expected to step in as she was single. Before she went abroad she would come for a long weekend on the premise of giving me a rest from dad, then she would spend the whole time out and about with friends and going shopping!

Sadly, I was diagnosed when she was over on a visit, it was the day before she was due to fly back. I just know if it had been me I could not have got on that plane the next morning as I would have wanted to be there for her after having such a shock (I hadn’t expected to be told I had BC as I was operated on as a day case for a benign fibroid). The truth is, she was talking about coming home for good which was going to mean staying with me until she go a house and of course my treatment threw her plans out of the window. My OH has lost all respect for her as we have bent over backwards for her in the past 20 odd years in one way or another. We’ve decided if she comes back she will just have to get on with it - we’ve got a business now and are busy so need our energies for that.

im so pleased to find other people with selfish sisters… my sister has had a bad back in the past week and although im on chemo she has told me im lucky i have drugs to take to make me feel better (as in anti sickness drugs) I thought i might be imagining things, or at least blowing all her nasty comments out of proportion

Hi to you all

There definately are some thoughtless sisters out here.

I remember sitting in a cafe with mine and wearing my hat and scarf as I was bald from the chemo, and she was looking in a nearby mirror and saying how her hair was that thick that she couldn’t do a thing with it!! It was all I could do not to burst into tears.

She has also said that it must be nice not to have periods (I am currently having the menopause symptoms)

I haven’t fallen out with her over this, although I could quite easily have done… My sister had always had the illnesses and is used to all the attention, and it didn’t sit well with her when I was DX as she had no experience of it so couldn’t join in, although she went straight to her GP and arranged a mammogramme, then proceeded to say she would have all the treatment if she had cancer!!

Anyway, her husband is presently really ill after heart surgery, so I am supporting her, and am glad we are still friends, despite things.

Love to all, Deborahxx

My sister is 4 years older than me and since I’ve been diagnosed (Nov 07) she never sent me a get well card, flowers etc and as one thread said she seems to be denial. My parents (god bless 'em) have turned to alcohol, my husband has turned to food and my daughter spends most of her time on MSN and in the middle of this crazy life I’m blaming myself for everyone elses hang-ups! My Mom is constantly complaining about her bad back, my sister is grouchy as shes going through the menopause and my Dad doesn’t talk to me. I suppose its peoples ways of coping with this situation.
At the beginning of the year I thought I was having a breakdown and had counselling and support from my local Cancer Group who have been marvellous.
Glad its not just me who thinks they have a crazy family,
milli
x

Hi all, I must be lucky, my sister is 2yrs older than me and she has been great. Just enough sympathy without being over the top, and lots of positive encouragement without losing her sense of humour.
I am sure she must be secretly a bit worried that my diagnosis means that she is more at risk. Perhaps that fear is behind all your thoughtless sisters.
Heidicat x

Hi there

Glad I have found somewhere that I can have a rant about my sisters, I have 4 of them and 1 brother also. I am so sorry also to have found others who are going thru the same heartache and confused feelings over this difficult thing when we all should just concentrate on our own health and on supporting each other on this godsend of a site.

Oh how lucky I am that I have such a large number of siblings to support me so people tell me.

Nope, not at all and I have really struggled to understand why the heck not one of them has phoned me since before Christmas. I had mastectomy on 1st December and have had my youngest sister having a right go at me on 2nd November at my parents Golden Wedding anniversary which was just 3 days before I got the results from the cone biopsy. I already knew I had DCIS but consultant thought it could be invasive so did not know if I was facing just the mastectomy ha ha just!!! or worse still to go thru chemo rads or whatever.

They all visited me in hospital and brought flowers or gifts except one sister who lives a distance away and I finally got a get well card and a little card for in my wallet telling me that I was not alone 3 weeks post op. How does she work that one out when she never even bothers to phone me? None of them call me at all and I was initially really embarrassed when friends asked when I had last seen or spoken to any of my 5 siblings. Now I just tell anybody that asks that they dont call by or phone me and that I now feel that I have no siblings in my life. I look at a photo of us all as kids and wonder what the france is going on with them all. I miss them all but I feel now that I do not want anything to do with them in the future. Just heard last week that I need another op and I am not telling any of them about it. People tell me that my siblings are having difficulty dealing with my cancer and my recovery, hey what about me having difficulty with it and then wondering why they dont care about me.

Over the past month or so I have decided that it is their problem, you cant have 5 of them who simply cant deal with it and that 12 weeks post op they dont phone in case they wake me up. I just figure that they dont give a monkeys about me so maybe I should reciprocate that. As that is not my nature that is what I am having difficulty with. Well I have some really good true friends and a lovely partner and marvellous parents and have decided that is enough for me. As the saying goes you can choose your friends but not your family, how true that is. Next time any of my siblings need me well I might just not be able to deal with it eh!!!

luvnhugs to you all, Carolexxx

Hi all

Just to return to the subject of my sister I have remembered when I had my first regime of chemo and the hair loss happened she had asked how I felt so I asked if she would like to see what I looked like. Big mistake ’ Oh my God no, I may hate what I see’ was her reply.
A few weeks later she did see me at our mums and I had taken my scarf off to re-tie it, when she saw me she said’ Oh my God you look just like our Mick’. I was hurt both times but what are baby sisters for other than to forgive if not forget.

Now on the flip side I have a brother who as children we fought like cat and dog and as adults we tolerated each other in our grown up world. Well he has turned out a diamond, supportive and surprisingly knows all the right things to say and questions to ask. He was the first to offer to pay for private treatment (which I didn’t need but thanks anyway) He taxi’s me to hospital if needs be and phones regularly. I knew he loved me really even when he used to sit on my head and pull my fingers back!

Cheers
Carol

Hi Everyone

I just read over what I wrote yesterday and already today my feelings have swung round. Thats what I find hard I just love and miss them all really and am so hurt by their lack of thought in being in touch with me, I just feel abandoned by them really. I am so scared to call any of them in case I tell them how hurt I really feel as they will turn that round on me and say well you havent been to see us either, they wont entertain the fact that I cant drive confidently yet, only driven a couple of times so far and get so stressed out with it.

Okay, on with the day and try and not think about it.

Hi ladies,
I’m new to this fantastic place, and have just been reading your comments about sisters, and their lack of support in your cases. How sad. It is probably true that because they are afraid of having bc themselves they act in this way.Some sort of denial syndrome!!
I don’t have a sister, but I do have two brothers, one 10 years younger than me, and both have been straight in there with their support. Funny isn’t it?
maybe we have to be straight talking with our families and tell them what we need! hard isn’t it?!
God bless you all, Ann

Hi Curlycat and all

It’s so sad to hear about your family. Would your parent’s have a word with them and tell them how they are behaving ?

I have a brother and sister - my sister has been marvellous but my brother rings when he remembers but its usually to moan about something or somebody. He does start off with the initial "how are you " so I suppose that’s not too bad.

My husband’s sister has only been to see me 4 times since my op last June - she lives 10 minutes away and is wrapped up with an 18 month old grandchild. I have had a couple of cards off her saying that although she doesn’t come I am in her thoughts !!! She has a bit of alopecia at the front of her head and kept saying to me when I lost my hair with chemo - “at least yours will come back”. She said it once too often so I replied I think I would rather have alopecia that breast cancer. Mmmm - I suppose so she said !!!

I think there will come a time soon that I shall tell her exactly what I think and where she can go. Keep smiling !

Liz xx

Hi Liz

Thanks for the advice on my parents speaking to them. I love my parents to bits and they are here for me but they have never been the type of parents who sort this type of thing out. I really do not expect them to do that, I dont want them to be stressed out by it. They asked for about 8 weeks how my siblings were and when I had last spoken to or seen them, I think now they are embarassed that this is going on but they clearly dont want to intervene, they have stopped asking about them. I get the feeling that they are very aware that I am being “ignored” for want of a better word and that they are unhappy about it but as always they think it will just sort itself out without any intervention from them. They are in their 70s now and I am 47 so I guess they are really done with sorting us lot out when it comes to this kind of situation. It will be interesting to see what happens on Mothers Day as some of us may be up at our folks at the same time on Sunday. Of course I will have to do what I always do and be polite and pretend that nothing is wrong so it does not upset my parents. So I am now thinking maybe I should give them all a call and tell them how hurt I am so that Sunday it is not an issue.

I have done so much thinking about all this lately and have been very very upset by it, it consumes my thoughts day and night and I am getting to the point where it will be a case of either blowing my top at one of them or just ignoring them all and concentrating on just recovering and filling my life with other people who actually show that they care about me. Maybe I should just leave it and if I see any of them on Sunday simply excuse myself for being tired and leave them to it.

I really cant believe that they are not contacting me cos they are scared for themselves, I believe it is that they are selfish and shows me that they do not think about me let alone care and that is what is hurting so much. My counsellor summed it up by saying that I cant change the way they are but I can change the way I think about it. I have also had thoughts that I am not worth them thinking about me, my lovely friends have been wonderful and rightly tell me that if I was an awful person then why are they friends with me still.

Thanks for holding my hand thru this, I really appreciate it.

luvnhugsCarolexxx

Hi Carole

Have only just got back on here as my computer hasn’t been working. How did you get on on Mother’s Day?

Can fully understand your parents not wanting to get involved but I really do feel for you. I don’t believe it when people say others can’t cope with out illness. As you say its selfishness.

Love to you

Liz x

Hi Liz

I ended up going over on the Sat night and we had a chinese together and I stayed away on Mothers Day, my daughters were with me from 11am to around 5pm and met my son in town for an hour with them too so it was a good day in the end.

On the Sat morning I spoke on the phone with my Dad and finally managed to tell him that I was very hurt by my siblings lack of contact. He admitted that he and Mum were also upset by it and that they could not understand it either. Anyway he suggested that he speak to them about it but I told him not to as I really need to know that when they do bother if they ever do that they have done it cos they want to and not out of a sense of duty. He understands where I am coming from with this and respects that which I am very grateful for. It meant a lot to me that he offered to speak to them and eased my worry about my folks upset at it too. They are coping with it so that is good. I have decided to just leave them all to it and to concentrate on myself and on those who have been here for me.

Hope that you are doing well Liz and thanks so much for chatting to me about this, I really appreciate it. Maybe your sis in law will wake up one day and smell the coffee. In the meantime, take time for yourself Liz as much as you can and take care.
luvnhugsCarolexxx

Hi my sister has just been diagnosed with b c I am so worried about her she won’t talk about it she want’s to go it alone and my heart is breaking for her how can I help her I’ve been looking up the computer trying to find help for her . She has just had surgery and is waiting for her results could anyone please tell me how to help her.also has anyone heard of biocam please please help me .
Frenchie

Hi Carole

Just seen the reply above - brought to the top by Frenchie but no comments xx

My OH text his sis the other day to say not heard from you, how is jennifer (who is her daughter and due to have a baby any day). His sis replied “not heard from you either !” Its on the edge of my tongue to say something and I think I have to to clear the air and she can take it as she likes. Life is too short to put up with people who pretent they care and then aren’t there for you .

I have a “friend” who I finally told to get lost the other week. I got a text from her saying you obviously don’t care how I am as you have enquired about my blood results !!! I didn’t know she was due any results and it was on the same day I had my heart scan for herceptin. She said it was typical of me. Ha! I always, always make a mental note of important dates and enquire about people. I told her she hadn’t told me about her appointment and that I would have text her but I did remember that she was also going to see the orthopaedic surgeon and I wished her well about that. She told me that having cancer was no excuse for my behaviour !

Lost of words - except I told her to get lost. I hope she doesn’t get in touch again as she will be told not to text me again.

I am going for herceptin on Monday and will be there for 6 hours with the first treatment. Nobody except my niece has offered to take me and that includes my husband. Just waiting to see if he does offer. I went for my heart scan on my own and could have crawled into a corner and cried. I felt so alone and needed somebody with me as it took 6 attempts to get the needle in the vein because of the state of my veins from chemo.

Love to you

Liz xx

Well, my sister has not replied to any of my emails for 3 weeks now, so I think I am just going to give up. She’s obviously either far too busy or only thinking about herself to contact me. She was meeting up with a relative of ours who is a very senior oncologist last week and I thought she might have contacted me to say how it went as she hasn’t seen him for about 20 years; also he gave me advice and support over the phone. He found out via another cousin that I had BC (he specialises in this) but didn’t have my phone or address and asked my sister to pass his details onto me which she did - 3 months after she got them!

OH has said he doesn’t expect we will see her this year, if we do it will be a flying visit as the last time she came she spent time with just about all of her friends around the country despite the fact I had ended up as an emergency hospital patient 3 days before she got here. OH was absolutely disgusted and is annoyed that I have been emailing her, he says I should just forget it.