Newly Diagnosed and terrified
Hi, im newly diagnosed with secondary breast cancer in the liver, spine and sternum, without even being diagnosed with primary. Im 37 with 2 young girls and my life has just been turned upside down. I am so scared and in need of support.
Hello @siobhan89
So sorry to find you here and in this position . I hoped that someone else in similar circumstances would reply to you but decided to answer as I didnât want you to feel that nobody is listening . I would normally advise speaking to the Nurses on the helpline but due to the bank holiday I think they will be closed now until Tuesday . The number is 0808 800 6000 so you could try them on Tuesday . They have a Someone Like Me Service which can put you in contact with someone with similar experience . You could also try posting in Living With Secondary Cancer section of this forum to link up with people in similar situations . You didnât say if you have a treatment plan as yet and until you do I wouldnât advise looking too closely into the various sections or googling as it tends to take your mind down a rabbit hole . One thing Iâve learned is that no two cases are the same and obviously itâs the most devastating news but I do know a couple of people who have secondary breast cancer whose condition is stable and have had a relatively good quality of life for some time now. If you feel that you really need to speak to someone I think the MacMillan helpline may be open. I wish there was something more I could say but just wanted you to know that you have been heard at least and Iâm sending love xx
Same hereâŚdidnât want you to feel you werenât heard. Sending you love, and I wish I could offer you more, but just know weâre all here for you. xxx
Hi @siobhan89
So, so sorry you find yourself here. Like JoanneN I havenât got secondaries, but am a survivor (so far) of two primaries. Just wanted to show some support though. Getting a primary diagnosis is shock enough but your situation must feel very scary.
You need to find the âliving with secondary breast cancerâ section of this forum, and Iâm sure loads of people will be rushing to share stories and offer reassurance. You are at a tough phase just now if you donât yet have a tissue diagnosis of the type, receptors etc and no treatment plan. Rest assured there will be treatment on offer. My friendâs sister had her initial diagnosis with extensive metastatic disease and is doing well, currently 4 years on.
So dear girl, try and stay brave and know we are here for you on this forum.
Sending lots of love and hugs
Eily 
On reddit there is a MBC sub where you can talk to lots of women who were diagnosed de novo just like you. There is so much hope now. I know it doesnât seem that way now but treatments have come a long way. So many hugs sent your wayâŚ
This is out of my experience but I just wanted you to know you are supported and will continue to be supported. And when you feel youâre not, write a post on here and you will find women who can send you those virtual hugs you need to get you through this. 
xxx
What a brave lady you are. So young and with a family. I can completely understand how you must be feeling. My friend went through a similar situation when she was in her 30s. Now she is 63 like me. So there is huge hope. Never give up that hope. Her main wish wasâŚ.please just let me live for another 6yrs so her children could reach 18yrs. Now they are in their late 20s/early 30s. Shes as fit as a fiddle.
But If you are seriously worried about treatment not working, (though it appears most treatments do work nowadays so its important to hold on to that), but sometimes, it can be therapeutic to create a Childrens Mummy Box. A place where you can put photos, memories, poems, videos, cards, letters. Then if the worst happened you know you have created a wonderful KeepSake.
As soon as I found I had cancer a few months ago, the first thing I did was (public warning hereâŚbrace yourselves 
âŚ.) make a Will. Buy a Grave. Extreme I know. But actually now I am still alive, 
(how did that happen?) I get comfort knowing everything is sorted if things go bad. Then I read lots of Posts on here and most of us are all doing well. 
I think our hardest battle is believing Cancer Treatments are so much better these days. So we need to take one step at a time. Every day is a gift. A treasure to hold. Rather than worry about the worst thought, enjoy the good parts in every day. Go small. Find those nice bits. Even if the day has a bad bit, do something you enjoy doing. Even if its a quiet bath, or a coffee and cake.
Sometimes the Fear is created by running away from dark thoughts. But where do we run to? I use to have dreams of being chased. I always âjust got awayâ. Then one day I realised I was just fighting to survive. But I then thought âHey, after months of worry, Im still here!!!â so do I keep running and running for more and more months/years, or do I just relax and enjoy each day. I chose the latter. The bad dreams stopped.
I read a book once, not sure of its title nowâŚFace our Fears and Do it anyway. Hug the Monster?? Something like that. It said Fear is worse when we run away. Hide. Get anxious. But if we sayâŚhey there Fear, I am not scared of youâŚlook what I can doâŚ. Strangely the Fear gets smaller and smaller. Takes time to practice, and those dark thoughts like to tease us. But We get there. Slowly.
Its getting hold of your life again. Planning for your future. Rather than being fearful thinking it is all out of your control.
Hugging your children and wider family. Knowing those hugs stay in our hearts forever.
I lost my dad when I was 9yrs old. He had a Heart Attack. But all my life his memory stays strong. He kept me grounded. His memories guided me through tough times and good times.
Think about what you are most scared of. Then think about things you can do to help give you peace.
I do gentle meditation. Nothing extreme. Just deep breathing. Relaxing. I just clear my head of clutter for 1minuteâŚ..10minutes. I do it whenever I need to. Even when I am out and about. It helps prevent panic. It calms me. Gives my mind chance to unravel. Loosens up tense head muscles.
Indian Head Massage is good. Or going to the hairdressers and have them wash your hairâŚslowly. Just massaging in shampoo can help relax muscles that have got in a jam.
Be kind to yourself. Know we all care, and we are here. You are not alone. Breast Cancer Now support lines are fabulous. So are MacMillan. Find your local Cancer Support Groups. People have told me about Maggies. We dont have it near me, but it may be near you.
I feel wrapped up in my lovely support blanket most days. Make sure you find your blanket and hold it tight. It wont go away.
Siobhan, Iâm so sorry to hear your news. I had a similar diagnosis - bone mets, but no primary site - two years ago (my only symptoms were a bit of sternum pain and anemia.) After a couple of months being a âcancer of unknown primaryâ patient, they found one lymph node with lobular breast cancer cells. Iâm a lot older than you - 60 next month - but the rage and grief I felt were totally overwhelming for 2 or 3 months. I can only imagine how much worse it is to have such a diagnosis so young, with your lovely girls to think of. Please message me if thereâs anything you want to ask, or just rage about. I had a couple of counselling sessions through macmillan early on and that was really helpful; I just needed someone to talk to who wasnât going to be upset by the thoughts going round in my head - people closer to me were dealing with their own emotions and couldnât really support me. A stage 4 diagnosis is not what it used to be, and most of us have many years of really good quality life beyond diagnosis. Take care and reach out to this community or to me anytime. xxx
Just touching base. Hoping you are getting the support you need. Xxxâ