I learned tonight that another one of my ‘cancer friends’ has died.
I am so angry right now I cannot sleep. I am angry that there is no-one to blame, no *one* individual that I can shout at for this Thing to have happened again.
Since my diagnosis over 2 and a half years ago, I have lost several friends who have shared the same journey I am on. It now makes me wonder when my ticking time bomb inside will go off. Am I next? I wish that this website allowed the variety of swear words and obscenities that are circling my head right now…because I can’t think of anything polite to say.
Have also had a bit of a melt-down this weekend because of cancer. I have lost track of the number of women I have met in the last four years, who are now dead. I literally cannot remember all of them - there are so many. This just stinks.
Yes I can relate to how you feel I dont want to die and am trying to hang on even though I have not been out of bed for weeks. The sadness that it inflicks on our family is cruel.
Love Debsxxx
Heck me too, have had some rotten days this month, it’s coming up to my ‘anniversary’ of diagnosis day and I’m spending too much time going back over the last 6 years. I’m so glad to still be here but think I have survivor guilt feelings too…so many were younger than me and had young children…they should really still be here instead of me.
Isn’t it all too horrible…I have, for the first time, thought of anti depressants but this will pass…poannie I, like you Jenny and Debs have lost so many friends…nothing makes it easier but know, if it’s of any comfort, you are not alone with your sadness.
xx
Hi Jenny, getting out of this loop, yes me too…my mind, brain is just so tired, worn down by it all right now but I don’t more ****** medication and was worried it might even inhibit the chemo??..onwards!..and keep hanging in Debs.
x
My anti-depressants have been in the bathroom cupboard for a while – haven’t taken them, but they’re there if needed . . . I too am overwhelmed with the number of lovely chums who have died – including Poannie’s & my “Cupcake Girl” friend, just now – and often spend time poring over posts & pics of our lost friends.
its certainly true that nobody wants this and its even more true that nobody deserves it neither us or our loved ones. Im sorry so many are having a bad time at the moment I am not looking forward to christmas this year and normally I love this time of year.
Belinda - I know this is easy for me to say but please dont feel any guilt for still being here. Every “success” probably not a good word but I cant think of a better one gives comfort. I know I am only speaking for myself and not everyone will feel like that especially those struggling with the mental and emotional effects.
But to all I hope you have better days and lots of them
I don’t have anything to offer either, other than understanding. Most of us with 2ndaries know only too well the ups and downs and how each death diminishes us in some way. Since I joined BCC back in early 2006 and bcpals a few weeks later I have met so many members and looking back at the photos I am horrified and saddened at how many are no longer with us. I reach 65 soon and have lived with this since I was 45. I cannot believe that I have got this old living with bc but as pain increases I do become more aware that there might not be much more time left - especially when knowing others who have seen their disease suddenly escalate. The danger then is getting caught in that loop that pulls you downwards. I think then it is wise to ask for help in some form. My oncologist wants me to consider going back on chemo, well I have thought and don’t want to! Last month the pain clinic cons. changed my meds and I spent the most horrendous few days feeling so ill that I began thinking maybe this is it! That’s sorted now and I start to hope again We have our first grandchild to look forward to next year which is exciting.
I think poannie you echo all our thoughts. We want to live - but we want quality to that living as well - at least as much as is possible.
Hi all, hope you don’t mind me jumping in.I too am sick of this disease I am so sick of being afraid. I do try to be positive and to everyone around I am. I am currently having discomfort at the side of my neck [BC side] which is scaring the life out of me.My oldest son has just been offered a job abroad and hopes to move with his wife and my beautiful granddaughter. I of course don’t want them to go but know it will be a better life for them.Now I fear that this bl##dy disease is not only ruining my life but will have a huge impact on his future.I am so sad at present. just the other day my son said how relieved he was that i was now cured.This is what I have lead them to believe.I can’t tell them the truth. Sorry for rambling but I can’t tell anyone how i am feeling. take care kittyx
So sorry you’re feeling this way. If you need a good listening ear, then please do phone the helpline and have a chat, they’re here to support you through this. Calls are free, 0808 800 6000 open M-F 9-5 and Sat 9-2
You echo my thoughts exactly. I wonder when the time bomb will go off, and i certainly dont want to die yet, I want to see my babies grow up and leave school. This is such a cruel and devastating disease for us to endure, but also for our family and friends to watch us suffer.
Hi Jo thanks for that but I am afraid I just can’t seem to talk about my fears… I will end up making a joke or saying I was being dramatic and brushing it off. I am worried that even when I see onc next week I will not mention my worries about my neck. Or I will trivialize them so she won’t take me seriously. I know that If I don,t talk to anyone about it, it can not be happening, stupid I know but thats how I am. take care kittyx ps sorry for jumping in on this thread i havn’t got secondaries but fear of.
Well myself and my husband had a little bubble together whilst the kids were at school today, sometimes it really does just become too much and just for a week or two I’d like me and my life back! I spoke to a registrar today that said that my liver was so tumoured that the scans weren’t as important as the results in my blood letting them know how my liver function was. I am struggling to understand this as the last time they left me for weeks without a scan and kept saying that the bloods looked good when they eventually got round to the scan the tumour had doubled. They then took me off the treatment - even though the liver function was good - I feel I get conflicting information.
Has anybody else been given this kind of information and how are they doing on their treatment. I must admit it scared the life out of me. Only because I didn’t know anything about my liver being so tumoured and she told me over the phone like it was common knowledge!
I’m terrified now that one day I’ll be fine and the next day my liver will just pack in and that will be that. Of course in reality that probably will be what happens but she’s made me think it may be a lot sooner that I thought.
I know what you mean about conflicting information. One doctor can make you feel as though there is nothing to worry about and the next makes you feel as though you are at deaths door. I no longer have any idea whether I have ‘tumours’ or ‘spots’ on my liver (and believe me, to me the difference is very important!). Perhaps you should ask to see or speak to the same person each time? I am sure you are within your rights to do so, and if it would give you peace of mind, it would surely be worth asking for as an option. Hospital staff often have no idea of the impact their words make on us.
In Edinburgh at the moment they have decided to try a different approach. You used to get the same person, or a least most of the time to give you your chemo, however that is not the case anymore and I kid you not i must have had a least 8 different nurses. They do a good job but you never get past going through your whole medical history (sometimes you go in and just want a normal conversation with someone that know you not explaining what problems I have had for the last couple of months. I am on weekly chemo so it is quite draining to have to go through it time and time again.
It is actually totally impossible to speak to my onc without feeling like you are really putting her out and are prepared to wait a least 2 or 3 days on her returning my call.
The onc does have a registrar and she is a lovely doctor and I tend to speak to her on a regular basis if i need to, but the problem is that she has know idea what the onc has told me what i wanted to know and what i don’t. Anyway I know now and it’s just another thing i have to deal with - which I could have done without.
We have our first grandchild to look forward to next year which is exciting.