Hi all No, I haven’t got a dog yet but I do have the okay to get one once I am over the chemo and on the up again. But I am just so mixed up with everything.
I have always been an optimist but I am also a realist. I don’t suppose I am unusual to have all these confusing thoughts, I know the chemo will be causing most of it but…I just cannot get used to the idea that my ‘normal’ life is over. Is it just time I need or what?
One day I think yes, I am going to carrying on working and try to keep things as normal as possible. The next day I am thinking why bother with working, should I stay at home, walk the dog (when I get him/her)and look after the house, bake etc. The children are at school most of the day, hubby has another two years to go before he can retire, I was going to carry on working until March 2011 when the funding for my current post ends and then decide what to do…it’s all what if’s???
I am so used to being able to plan and organise things and now it’s like stepping off a cliff each day and not knowing what is at the bottom waiting for me. It doesn’t help that it is grey and pouring down here and has been all day! Hubby has day off but has had to go to visit his elderly parents with his brothers for a big pow wow re putting mother in law in a home as she has Alzheimers and father in law hardly fit to look after himself, never mind her. We are as a 3 hour round trip away from them. I really want Richard here with me but…
Sorry to moan and whinge…going for another lie down. I wil be better next week.
Hi Sue
Just thought I’d let you know that somebody is here, even though I’m not Richard…
Yes, for me anyway, time is needed and during that time, just let things happen and don’t beat yourself up about what you might or might not want in the future. Or, let that positive energy bubble up sometimes and go through the opportunities that you might want… for a lot of people, cancer can be life changing in a positive (oh I hate using that word too much) way
I haven’t had chemo, so can’t empathise totally, but I think the whole BC thing puts us all in these places at different times. I’ve had a horrible lonely week this week, but get back to more work next week so I’ll have something to focus on and structure my week. Too much time on our hands isn’t always good.
It’s the weekend at least, which means our hubbies are around, (even if glued to the rugby on TV) and hopefully the world will feel better for you.
Sorry, I’ve rambled!
River x
Sue I’m sorry you are feeling down today. I know exactly how you are feeling. I keep talking about going back to work full time once things have settled down but then sometimes I think who am I kidding I dont have the same energy and drive I had before all this c**P took over my life. And although I would like to think I am going to get it back I dont think I will ever be the same person I was. I havent worked since before christmas and actually I am enjoying it.
The pain doctor actually gave me what I thought was some really good advice he said to me that I need to live in chunks. he said right now I have to deal with chemo and I shouldnt think any further than that. after the chemo the next chunk will be recovery and getting energy back. and after that maybe I can go back to work or maybe I wont want to. I think he is right and that’s what I am trying to do. live my life in bitesize pieces.
I think I said to you before I am not making any big decisions until I have to ands maybe you just need to put the work quuestion to one side for a bit
Yes, feeling better since yesterday, I have managed to stay upright all day and again today!! I have been buy composing a long list of questions for my Onc for my appointment next week Friday and sent them in via my BCN so that she has time to think about them. AND ordering clothes that won’t fit me from Next and Boden!
I am brighter and more positive again as I have been out walking and making plans for next week. The Ukelele Orchestra Concert on the 19th Feb was fabulous - a real laugh! If they are near you do do and see them, a great night out. We have just bopoked tickets to go and see Beth Neilson Chapman in Manchester next Sunday night as well. I feel tired at the thought of it at the moment but know that I will enjoy it by next week.
Sometimes the planning and organising is more hard work than the doing and I am just trying to keep up with having little things to aim for and look forward too otherwise I just feel like life is on hold while I am having my chemo and that drives me nuts!!!
Julie’s advise re the bite size chunks is a great idea! I will try and adopt it. I think it will sit better with me than a ‘day at a time’.
Hi Sue
I know exactly how you feel and I think it’s very typical as you go through chemo - and even more so when you’re dealing with secondaries. I really felt like I could only deal with the chemo when I had it and I was very selfish and really only thought about myself because that was my way of dealing with things. Once chemo was out of the way I felt I could focus on other things and life in general. It took me quite a while to get over the effects of chemo so don’t set yourself too many big goals at the end - just lovely little ones and plenty of treats! I carry on in 6 month chunks at the moment and hope to for some time. These are my in-between-scan ones and I make sure I enjoy them because none of us know what’s round the corner. It’s not as depressing as it sounds, honest, and I do have a great time. I’m lucky at the moment that my bone mets don’t affect me so I’m continuing at work although I only do 3 days a week. I didn’t think I’d want to work once I had my secondary dx but OH is at work all day, kids are at uni/college so I thought I’d keep on earning whilst I could so we can have a few more holidays and things. It is each to their own but for now it helps me and as I still work less days than I have off it is a good balance, giving me time to shop on the internet as well LOL BTW I hope you’ve got the 15% off code for Boden! Have you got many more chemo’s to go? I seem to remember you’ve got one more - but maybe that’s wishful thinking? At least there can’t be many more and then you will feel much better without having to deal with the ‘bad’ days. Also I’m sure you will be your normal cheery self by the time you’ve read this as you come out of the chemo week so I hope you continue to pick up. Good luck with your appointment on Friday and make sure you get your questions answered.
Nicky x
Yes, I am much perkier this week. Went a bit mad ysterday and probably walked further than I should at this stage after chemo so I was very tired last night - but good tired from fresh air and sunshine - yes, sunshine at last, so much better than grey with rain!
I have a nice day planned, short walk then massage (provided by the complementary therapy team from my local hospice) then I am taking a friend out for lunch.
Yes, six month chunks sound good to me. I have my last chemo on 15th March (providing bloods are okay, if not it will be 22nd March) so I hope to be able to get back on my bike by Easter time. Hubby and I are planning a short break to get some sun /R & R in early May. We just can’t decide where to go. Half the fun is in the planning so I shall just keep surfing until I find something that takes my fancy.
Hi all,
Hope you don’t mind me joining this thread, I can empathises with the ups and downs everyone is experencing. I’m not working at the moment and neither is hubby as he took a year sabatical after my secondary diagnosis last summer. We have had a great time since my chemo ended in October and are making the most of my good health now. However he will go back to work in July as I am clearly not dying just yet. I’d like to get a part time teaching job but don’t know how a head will take me on with the very real possibility of needing more chemo in the future.
In terms of mood swings I can go days feeling great especailly now spring is here and then some small thing will bring me crashing down to ‘reality’ and the whole cancer thing. My councellor who I see through Macmillians says I should let myself have bad days to get it out of my system, cry, be angry etc and then the next day I feel much better and a long walk usually restores my mood. This way I save my bright happy side for my family. It works most of the time!
Certainly the sunshine helps - wasn’t yesterday fantastic? I’d love a dog too much don’t have room really. I’ve taken to walking my Dad’s wheaten terrier who is a ball of fluf and doesn’t object to big muddy walks and then I can send her back home and not have muddy pores at home!
Roll on Spring
Louise
Hi all, hope you dont mind me posting on this thread. The dog & walking connection attracted me! Not the cancer for a change… I have two westies, Mac & Dougal, they both look very similar to the one in the pic except both of mine only have one ear that sticks up! Hardly crufts material but then I wouldnt want them to be!
I too like long walks & live in a farily rural area halfway between Glasgow & Edinbrgh. Its only half an hour from the beach too so handy. Just back from a long weekend in highlands (Achiltibuie) - absolutely gorgeous, long, sunny days, endless white sandy baeches & beautiful mountain scenery. Doggy heaven.
And another good thing was that no one there knew i had cancer, was just treated ‘normally’!!
Anyway, onto the caner… i am 42, was diagnosed in Nov 2009 with primary & secondary (sternum & pelvis) at same time. I had had virtually no symptoms until then & was the ‘fittest’ I had ever been in my life (go figure!!). Treatment is hormone (Zoladex & Tamoxifen) & bone strengtheners (Zometa). No chemo or radiotherapy as yet. Totally emapthise with what you guys are saying about taking things in chunks & not knowing what each day holds. I hate the fact that I can feel so well one day & so completeley floored the next (and I’m not even on chemo!). Stress still has a lot to do with it i think tho, its early days.
I too am trying to go back to work next week (went back too soon after diagnosis & went a bit loopy!!). I’m a nurse but they’re going to let me do some non clinical stuff to ease my way into it. Its hard to know what to do - on the one hand I dont want to lose my working ‘self’ but on the other hand, I feel that if my time is limited (and it may not be, who knows???), why waste it working all the time? Anyhow, at the minute I simply cant afford to stop working so will go back next week & see how I go. The distraction may well be a good thing.
Louise - I dont know much about these things & I hope you dont mind me saying but if you are registered disabled (which i presume you are?) - you can make it very hard for a workplace to turn you down I would think. Thats certainly the case in Scotland - dont know here you live but it might be worth checking out the Disability laws. Your head legally cant turn you down just because you might need chemo in the future (altho I appreciate how hard it is getting teaching jobs thse days anyway).
No, I haven’t got a dog yet!!! I have one more chemo to go and then after Easter and my baseline scan I will review what I am going to do with the rest of my life. At the moment I cannot imagine being able to go back to work as I cannot get my head around the idea that anything I do there matters! Mind you with two teenagers in the house you do start to wonder if anything you do at home matters either at times!!! Bless them.
Once the chemo has finished I am going to start looking properly for a dog. I haven’t dared to go and look yet in case I fall in love! Like you Angie I live in a beautiful part of the country, South Cumbria just a few minutes drive from Windermere, and have had some fabulous walks over the fells. Blue sky, sunshine, snow topped hills and the lake like glass beneath…just missing the dog…
All the snow drops are out everywhere and crocuses now as well. My tulips and daffs in my tubs and window boxes are not far behind - as sson as I have something decent to take a picture of I will change my profile photo for Spring flowers.
Keep walking and enjoy the sunshine whenever you can.