Starting Chemo - 7th April

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hey ML, that’s what I’m getting - I got my first Neulasta shot yesterday…I hate injections etc, but it was a breeze, the trick is to slowly inject it. The actual piercing I didn’t even feel in my well padded belly at all!! I had a nurse do it for me this time, but am sure I can get OH to do it for me as it goes into the insulin injections sites, and as a diabetic he knows where they are…I may even get the guts to do it myself…not that I can even see my belly, would need to use mirror!

Aww Sukes, sorry you aren’t getting the attention you need just now. A cuddle isn’t too much to ask really, is it! However, I can understand his concern. My OH just asks if it’s ok for him to cuddle me a certain way, and I either agree, or find another more comfortable position to accommodate him! Just grab him! He may appreciate it!

Love to all

Sue xx

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Hi everyone,
Neutrophils bounced back, so I did get my chemo on Wednesday. I felt odd for a few days, but I am almost feeling OK. I haven’t got my energy back yet, which frustrates me, I have absolutely no patience whatsoever. The good news is that I am now 1/2 way through chemo. Now it is 3 tax to look forward to… ( I have stopped cheering).
I hope you are all doing well and keeping the spirits up; or to be more realistic, that you are not suffering too much from the yoyo effects of this emotional rollecoster.
Have a good week everyone.
Sophie

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Hey Sophie - glad your neutrophils bounced and you got your treatment. Hope you are feeling more yourself tomorrow. Think of the bright side, you have now half way through. I found it didn’t help to get ahead of myself with the threads, now know more about tax than I really wanted to at this stage…am bottling it, and yet still have my 4th fec to have first!

Wierd thing happened to me when I went for a chinese carry out tonight…a woman looked at me and said “why are you wearing a scarf?” I said it was coz I had no hair. “Cancer?” She said. Nosy besom I thought! Yes, breast cancer I ansewred, and she HUGGED me…explained she had bc two years ago, was doing the race for life in a fortnight etc. We discussed hair loss etc! It was a bizarre encounter with quite a drunk woman, but… solidarity sisters!!!

How you doing Sukes? Hope you have had a good weekend.

ML - you administer your jag ok?

Love to all
Sue xx

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Hi all,

How is everyone? How are you doing, Sukes? I so hope the dips and rises of this beastly thing have brought you back up a bit. Hang in there, not long to go until these bloody chemicals are behind you.

No problem with the shot, Sue - it was a bit of an ordeal approaching the business but completely painless and problem-free. I have a large, well-padded expanse to aim for & I imagine any tiny veins would be distantly distributed. I bottled out of pulling back the plunger to see if blood entered the syringe, however. I would have squeaked and hopped about if it had. Besides - they didn’t do that in hospital & you’ve got to take these things step-by-step. Nothing odd happened so I guess it went fine.

Don’t worry about the Tax - I guess I haven’t had a clean run with it, but it’s been far from dire. Day 4 of number 2 today so some aches and pains, probably augmented by the Neulasta, but a couple of Ibubrofen 3 times a day is all it takes to put it to sleep. I find it better to move around rather than lie and wallow in it. So I got a bit of exercise walking around the local shop yesterday - utterly demoralised by the ‘eat like a horse’ thread - and bought a pak of mini Magnums (choc-coated ice-creams if they don’t have them in the UK). Now one of those is more fun in front of a movie at midnight than an oatmeal cookie - and a certain temporary cure for the pains of chemo and the irritation of handfuls of spiky hairs thickly distributed in every sensitive place around the body, except the scalp.

OH comes home tonight after an absence of nearly a month. I had hair when he left. I’m not looking forward to it a lot, to tell the truth. I’ll have to drag out the wifely persona, dust it off, and put it on. I’m not sure it will still fit after weeks of doing things my way - nothing else I own fits any more, so why should that? He’s a decent bloke, but not much sense of humour and suffering a bad case of physical withdrawal since all this started. I suspect he has the emotional age of a teenager. One somewhat younger than our 16-year-old son. He’s also of the “take it easy, what’s for dinner?” school of helpfulness; and when he does stack the dishwasher I have to take it all out and do it again. He doesn’t know where the saucepans go after 15 years in the same house and he can’t make real coffee - let alone anything else. Oh dear. I think I’m going to cry. Nope, just wet eyes and a wipe. He’ll be away a lot for the rest of the year - filming a Finnish biopic in foreign parts. Thank goodness.

Got that off my chest. Now I’ll go and rummage through the wardrobe for the wifely role.

Love and all the best to all, M-L

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Awww M-L, I know what you mean. Men never really “grow up”. My OH always said his job wasn’t for grown ups, and I think Xmas 2006 he finally grew up (at 45), as he has found his job really stressful and difficult since - I think the sabbatical is more for his benefit than mine!

It’s funny how we settle into different roles for different people. Why do we do this? Why do we have more roles in our wardrobe than clothes? Was thinking, as I sat in the sun away up in the hills, surrounded by lush green trees and peace and quiet…(to h*ll with sun & chemo being a bad combo), with my morning coffee and my trashy novel, listening to the birds singing, the lambs bleating for their missing mothers, their mothers frantically bellowing back (nice picture?), I feel rather odd. I feel I should be miserable really - gosh knows we have enough to be miserable about - but I don’t think I have that role in m wardrobe!!!

Have just deleted a big moan that I felt I should be miserable about, but amn’t (now, amn’t proves I’m from Dundee originally, nobody else says it!). I may start it in “living with breast cancer” coz I do want to let it out though. Keep your peepers peeled!

Your OH will love you regardless of whether you have hair M-L. It’s just temporary. But I know I’ve had to gird my loins to go into certain situations without hair (even if wearing a wig or scarf) and I know there’s a knot in your stomach for a bit. Have you thought of making life easier for him - I put stickers on my son’s drawers in his room, saying what article of clothing goes where, so he can put it away himself (he is 16 too!). Some men just aren’t built for practicality, especially the more artistic/academic types, such as your OH. So, go round the kitchen putting signs up “PANS HERE”, “CUTLERY” etc etc. He’ll then know, and you won’t be so stressed. He might think you’ve lost your marbles though! You can just say you thought it was a way he could help you, and then you can show him how to make coffee (that’s one thing my man does do, but it’s like tar!). The thing to do, I’ve discovered, is not do everything for them anymore. I now tell OH where stuff is, rather than jumping up and fetching it for him…sometimes it’s harder, but its for his own good!

Is your Dad still staying with you? How is he? Did I mention we went to Rovaneimei (prob spelt wrong) in the Finnish Lapland too see santa many years ago? Had a ball. Would love to do it again, but will probably have to wait until I have grandchildren!!! I actually just want to shop now, and buy replacements for all the souvenir slippers etc we got, loved and wore out!

Take care of yourself - I think you’ll find the wifely role is at the back of the wardrobe, crumpled up into a ball and is full of crinkles now!
Love to all
sue xx

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Hi to you all,

yes, I haven’t been on here in a while because i’ve been trying to forget about the bc as much as possible ( short stretches of time, anyway! ), by helping some friends with their house-move, and pottering about in the garden,and sleeping!

Sukes,

I read your thread about having very dark thoughts, and really feel for you. I’ve only had a few days where I’ve felt a little bit low, today being one of them ( which is why i came on here ). From what others have said, I think it must be true that the chemo does affect us in more ways than we have been told. They do mention mood swings in the blurb, but that’s hardly what you have been suffering with, is it? I do hope you have been able to talk to someone by now, and maybe finding a way of coping with the dark thoughts,if they are still in the forefront of your mind. Maybe your Dr will prescribe a mild antidepressant to help you get through? Thinking of you, and wishing for better days ahead. I do admire all of you with young children. It must be SO much harder, just getting through the chemo, I can only imagine.I think having to put a brave face on for your children,when you’re feeling tired and low, must be exhausting in itself. Bless you. may their smiles and laughter lift you up.And may you get all the hugs you so desperately need, without asking. One big one from me (((((HUG))))

Paula,
Glad you’ll be having antibiotics before next chemo (this week?). Hopefully that’ll make the world of difference! Hope it’s going well with you.

I’m off for my pre-chemo blood test tomorrow, 3rd FEC on Wednesday. Second fec hardly affected me at all, apart from an itchy rash on my neck which started two days ago. I’ll mention it to onc nurse tomorrow. My little stubs of hair have even been growing about 2mm! I know they’ll fall out with first tax, but it cheered me up lot!! I’m hating being bald.Finding myself quite emotional these days about loss of left breast. Thought it didn’t bother me much at first, but now it does.Still haven’t plucked up the courage to ask my OH how he feels about it. Once I know he’s ok with it, I suppose I’ll cope a bit better.We haven’t talked about the whole bc thing very much at all, now I think about it, except for me to reassure him that I believe I’ll be alright! this is so difficult on so many fronts, isn’t it?!! Did you see the “sticky” about a podcast to be made this summer? And the comments following it? it’s helpful to know others are finding the intimacy side of things so difficult. It’s great to have a safe place to share our feelings.It helps to know you’re not alone,even if there are no answers!
Well, I’m going to fight off the malaise and do a little more planting out in the garden. Plants are very therapeutic for me!
Best wishes to you all,
Ann , hugs to all xxxxxxx
P.S. forgot to say,my “low” day may be the result of thinking too much about our recent bad news…I’ve had money stolen from our bank account through online fraud. Sometimes you can’t believe how many bad things seem to happen at the same time!! Still, at least it was found quickly and we’ll get the money back, but a shock, all the same.

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Awww Ann - sorry to hear you had even more bad news. Online fraud is an increasing problem, at least it was resolved quickly. Re loss of breast - I think you might want to wait until you feel stronger, and more used to your appearance before asking OH how he feels about it - if you do that whilst you are feeling vulnerable he may inadvertently hurt you. And these hurts can last.

You can come and cut my grass, pot weeds (weeds in the garden, foxgloves etc, are wanted at the village hall garden!!!) etc anytime you want. I just look at the jungle and wish I could put the sheep in there for a while…except some of the plants are poisonous to them!

Love to all
Sue xxx

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Hi Sue,
thanks for that wisdom. I know we are easily hurt by the “wrong” words, however well-meaning they are said at the time. So, I think I will wait, thankyou.

I have to own up and say my OH has been doing all the hard work in the garden!! he went mad with the hedge cutter last week!! I just supervise him from the safety of the patio door, cold drink and chocolate in hand!!! It was a bit too hot for me!
I’ve just sown some seeds in pots, planted up a few tubs, and snipped a few bits of privet back near the back gate! I do enjoy it though, it takes my mind of the bc for a while. ( Stop to fling off fleece ). Phew. I don’t know what my OH thinks of me putting my fleece on and off all day. It must look funny!

God bless,
Ann xx

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Hi all,

Nice to read your moans so life is still normal to a certain degree. My hubby is much the same but sometimes his silence does get to me when hes doing chores.

I’m still suffering with deep dark thoughts and i have just commented on there as i have had problem with the damn internet. I just hope is part of steriods, periods, tax pains and no sex or social life thats making me feel this way.

Love to you all.
Sukes

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Oh Sukes, if you are coping with steroids, periods, tax pains, lack of sex and lack of social life it’s no wonder you are feeling so low. There’s only so much a body can take, and that’s not counting the emotional impact of bc. How are you minimising the deep dark thoughts? Have you managed to find a way to spoil yourself, pamper yourself? A way to make you feel good about yourself even for a short while? This needn’t be something expensive, just painting your toenails can make you feel good. Or, you could have a head massage. Or hide away with a good book. It’s certainly how I cope when the thoughts get too heavy, or I write them down, but that can be hurtful AGAIN when you read them back later.

I had a hardback journal when I had post natal depression, and I wrote everything in it, including drawings of the angry monster I’d become, how I wasn’t getting on with various family members, real and imagined slights etc, the truth about how I felt (at the time) about parenthood, my babies etc. When I was back to myself, I had a ceremonial burning, all that bad stuff in the book was GONE. Very theraputic.

Take it easy Sukes, be kind to yourself. Am thinking of you today
Sue xx

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Hi all,
Sorry you are still troubled, Sukes - but with that list of things to deal with, it’s hard to get above it, isn’t it? This Tax is tough. I had a second infection scare yesterday when my temp stayed at 38 for a couple of hours as I tried to pretend it wasn’t. Finally rang my nurse in tears of disappointment and she told me to get the old a*se back into the hosp - three rounds of blood tests later they decided it might have been a response to the Neulasta because CRP was normal and the temp went down a bit, so I insisted on coming home. Physically I feel like a dirty rag, but rather cheery at the narrow escape. It’s a tall order maintaining equilibrium in the face of this physical debility & the reasons for it, however - and I don’t think I could do it with little kids. You are doing a great job against intolerable odds. Things WILL improve. Hang in there.

OH came home at midnight, with a bundle of hilariously inappropriate presents from Argentina - 4 cookbooks telling me how to roast whole sheep and T-bone steaks, and a DVD with tango instructions and music, among other things. Y’gotta laugh. Me, I’m nearly wetting myself now he’s gone to work. HUGE laughter. The tango! I can barely make it upstairs. He’s not an arty type, Sue, but a production manager - which is pretty much like organising the supply & logistics side of a small war - but the shoot had been organised brilliantly by the Argentinians and he came home stress-free, which is a first. We were quite pleased to see each other - we’re good friends more than anything else, no drama and little passion, plenty of personal space, which is not bad after 22 years. Like you and yours, Anne, we haven’t talked much about this; as with Sukes’ loved ones, his response is very much, ‘of course you’ll be fine’ - and I’m prepared to take that at face value. It’s his way of coping, & it’s not a bad one. Don’t cross bridges etc. His expression changed when he saw me without scarf this morning - I didn’t realise he was up because I am sleeping downstairs - but I think it was just the shock; he got over it. Now if I can just teach him how to make coffee and to leave the dishwasher to son, who knows where everything goes …

His first job is the half acre of ‘lawn’ which hasn’t yet been cut this spring because son has also been sick - like Anne’s OH, he’ll be out there sweating in the garden, not his favourite place. Though actually the wild flower-meadow look is rather pretty. Why do we have to have it short? Bloody convention!

BTW, I don’t know Dundee, Sue, but one of the funniest guys I ever met came from there & he and another buddy had a big pub/nightclub there for a few years some time back until they were closed due to some kind of misdemeanour. My old dad used to visit them from time to time, said it was a good laugh. OD goes back to Wales on Thursday - he’s been a rock and always cheerful, but I bet he’ll be glad to get back to his own little ways.

And to echo you on the other thread - hope everyone has a MARVELLOUS day.
Love to all, M-L

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Hi all,

Had my 3rd fec today.Half-way through. The time is going quickly. Feel a bit tired and wooly headed…must drink more water, me thinks. The pollen count is so high here, because we have so many trees that i’ve been suffering with watering eyes and a runny nose the last few days. Doesn’t usually affect me that much. I’ve off to buy some piriton to see if that will help. Onc nurse said it’s ok to take the none-drowsy type.

Been reading the thread about the channel 4 programme,which I missed last night. How to look good naked. I believe it can be seen online if any of you missed it. Comments are enthusiastic.It will probably cheer me up, so I’ll try to watch it today.I’ve asked my breast care nurse if I can go for a fitting of my prosthesis in two weeks time, as my Comfy makes me look lopsided and I’ve become very concious of it. My scar has healed up well, although rather lumpy!

Hope everyone is coping, who have had chemo again this week. Thinking of you. Hope you have all got a good book or film ready for your sleepless nights whilst on steroids! It’s good to be prepared,isn’t it. I’m making good use of my daughter’s laptop on those nights! Have to watch I don’t set the duvet on fire though!! Have to keep shifting it around into a cool patch! Doesn’t help with the hot flushes. lol

Hope everyone has a good night and a good day tomorrow,and finds something to laugh about.( I had to laugh at myself yesterday,tried a new recipe and it didn’t go quite to plan. it was tasty,but looked a bit like a dog’s dinner!!! ).

Ann G. Hugs to everyone. xxxxxxx

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Hello all

I’ve just spent half an hour typing and just lost the lot!!

So good to be back her again, boy have I missed you all, so sorry but since the weather has been good I’ve been catching up on a few chores at home, and looking after my kids as hubbie - being self-employed is working all hours from 5am to 8pm so life’s a bit hectic, i wonder sometimes if this is his way of coping with everything.

Sukes/Ann - so sorry to hear you’ve been a little low I cam sympathesise with you I’ve suffered depression on and off for 15years since loosing my brother when he was only 17, so I’m well accoustomed to antidepressents, When your having a bad day nothing is right, but when its good, everything is bright and believe me BC really does that too you, Just take one step at a time, you don’t have to beat yourself up about things, life is so hard at times and we all suffer feelings that are dark when things are tough, just remember we are all here for you. Don’t be frightened to ask for help from your GP - I’m a nurse and you would’nt believe the number of people there are out there that need help, its not your fault, its just your bodies way of coping and its got to the stage where it needs a little help too.

M-L - so pleased you have got the Neulasta injection, it has worked wonders for me, by blood count does really well, which has helped my infections, I know its hard to inject yourself and its not pleasant but it will do the trick and help keep infections away!!

Sue - Good to hear you having the Neulasta too, I know it comes with the side effects but it is worth doing and if it keeps chemo on track then go for it. I suffered some bone pain in my legs but took ibuprofen to help.

Sophie - good to hear your keeping well, and enjoy your hubbie whilst he’s home, my hubbie works away alot as he is self-employed, so it is difficult especially when you just need a bit of normal conversation.

take care all

Paula xx

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Hi Paula,

Glad to hear you’ve been enjoying the good weather, it does help doesn’t it!

hope you are not trying to do too much, but appreciate that you want to do what you can.Hope the antibiotics did the trick for you this time.

I’m feeling a lot better now I’ve relaxed a bit after 3rd chemo today. You try not to get anxious, but there’s always the worry that it will be difficult to find the vein. It was fine. I needn’t have worried…those onc nurses are very experienced! Just had to hold my hand under the hot tap for a minute to make the vein pop up!

Trying to avoid the strong smell of fried onions coming from the kitchen,whilst lovely OH makes his food. maybe I should go out in the garden!

Suffering a little with hayfever,which I don’t usually get, so don’t know what’s best, the smell of the onions or the runny eyes and nose!!

Take care,thinking of you,
Ann G xx

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HI Ann G

Just to say your MM stubble might not fall out with the TAX my hair started growing week 3 of TAX 2 I have a little stubble so I am delighted so keep your fingers crossed I never shaved my head and I had a few wispy strands through out FEC my comfort blanket I called it!!!

Hope all goes well

Sarah X

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Hi ladies, catching up here quickly… it’s hard keeping track of threads. Not so good this week, a lot of tummy pain from well above the DIEP recon scar and also a bit wobbly since the 3rd Epi last week - the cold cap got to me this time, weepy, shivery and nauseous from the cold, but still the hair is there, albeit thinner. Wish I could say the same about the waist which is decidedly fatter, am a stone heavier since starting chemo and was already a stone and a half over ideal weight then. I suspect the tummy pain is partly weight related, seeing GP on Monday for a certificate for work and may have to get another appt with the plastic surgeon if this ache keeps on.

Isn’t it COLD (though better than yesterday)?? Trying to stock up on logs, and am having two trees taken down soon, as the oil bills are so horrific. I guess the fat can keep me warm but the kids will still turn the thermostat up without a thought!

Hope you are all finding your chemo manageable and enjoying the long evenings, even when it isn’t summery.

Lyn xxxxx

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Hey Lyn - was thinking of you the other day, as I hadn’t seen you. Am really sorry to learn you aren’t doing so well this week. I know the oil bills are horrific…I ran out and had to get 2000litres…haven’t had the bill yet though, and am dreading it! Don’t you have to season the logs first? We have a good stock of logs, but don’t have a back boiler, so still have to run the Rayburn for hot water, so may as well get heat out of it too!

My chemo going ok - done 3 out of 8 now, so getting there. A few hiccups along the way, but what is life without a little indigestion?!

Take good care of yourself and hope to see you in the Dew Drop Inn soon.

Paula - THAT’S why I have sore hips and upper legs…pain from the Neulasta - is there NOTHING without side effects??? Thanks for letting me know - thought I was getting old!

Sue xxxx

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Hi Sue, thanks, seem to be in a bit of a dip, thought things had been going well but I am more tired than ever. I’m 3 down too, one more Epi, then four months of CMF twice a month. Still feel as though I’ve been clouted in the ribs and awake half the night with thunderstorms rolling around, we’ll sleep tonight.

Yes the logs will have to season but should be ok for the back end of the winter. The trees coming down are aspen, not the best wood but I’m getting a stove with doors to replace the open Rayburn Rembrandt and they should burn better shut in. I let a huge load of wood go a while agowhen the willow was pollarded (in return for some cockerels!) and the guy reckoned his woodburner could eat anything. I can’t imagine how the average family will afford oil next winter, it’s going up every week. I wish my soft brood would put extra vests on. They say wood warms you twice, chopping and burning it - my son happily gets the chainsaw out but doesn’t work up too much sweat, he blanches at the thought of chopping!

Do you have lambs? The latest Soay arrival next door is a striking skewbald, from a maiden ewe, pretty little thing. At least they don’t need shearing - my farrier was planning to do his Swaledales this week and will be cursing this weather!

Lyn xxxxx

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Hi Lyn,

No lambs, tup fired blanks! Just as well, think it was fate. After my stint in hospital I was told to stay away from the sheep because of the risk of ecoli. I couldn’t do that if I had lambs! We start shearing in June - joys. My OH takes ages, but the sheep emerge without a nick - which is quite an achievement for the average shearer! Tell your brood to put extra clothes on - or put blankets on the sofas as a hint! Sleeping bags may be pushing it though. I presume a maiden ewe is what we call a gimmer - 1st time mum?

Sorry to hear you are so tired, I must admit to getting tired myself these days. By the time I’d met the fishvan at the end of the track, then went to the supermarket, then collected a friend from town I was knackered - and it was only 9am! However, have had to push on and get the ironing done too, coz house husbands don’t do that apparently. Och well, I suppose he’s doing the school meeting whilst I am sat here talking to you! Swings and roundabouts.

Hope you soon feel more like yourself and more chipper. Hope the weather takes a turn for the better for you soon too - we have glorious warm weather here today!

Sue xxxxx

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Hi ladies,

Don’t know if you are posting on another thread, or, like me have been keeping occupied with “normal” things as much as possible whilst the going is good? Hope you are climbing out of your dip now, Lynn. Sounds like both you and sue are being kept busy just trying to keep warm!!

My first tax was cancelled due to having low neuts. then i had a sore throat last week, so delayed a secind week. i was glad of the break, actually. Have been enjoying my food! But not the expanding waistline! Now i’m getting fed up being bald and fat. Also facing possibility of further surgery due to discovery of suspicious area in other breast. Waiting for appointment for a biopsy under MRI scanner. ( which I hate, but oh well ). generally feeling fed up that all my feminine parts are being taken away. Does anyone else feel like that? I didn’t have a very positive image about my femininity to start with! OH not being affirming does’t help. i think i may need to have some counselling if i go on feeling like this. One positive thing, I did get fitted with a lovely post surgery bra, which has helped me look more even on the chest.Want another, but out of stock this week. Things seem to go against you when you’re feeling low - or does it just seem that way?

I’ll see if any of you are posting on the dewdrop inn! And join you for a chinwag on there.

best wishes to everyone.

Ann xx