Still none the wiser

hi, 

Sorry not been on here, I needed time out.  I couldn’t face attending my appointment so the NHS agreed that the consultant would ring me today at the same time as the appointment  low and behold no call.  We called and no one free on phone to pick up.  I have made a complaint as I arranged this a couple of days ago.  Im sorry for those who are braver than me but I will not face anyone under any circumstances that I possibly have cancer, regardless of treatment plans, I know the lingo, done all the research written it all down, I understand how it all works, I think i could pass with a bloody diploma. 

My son is taking his 11 plus tomorrow ( parked my birthday)  I need to pull myself out of this emotiional hell hole and be there for him tonight rather than drown my sorrows knowing what I have to face…so at least I’m not going to know for the time being which is what I need.

I think I’ve done my grieving and now entering in the angry phase! 

I am a coward but equally i dont care!! 

Thank you for anyone thats supported me i didn’t not want to say goodbye, maybe when I find out the results I will be brave and let you all know…

Bluecat no apologies needed you do everything your own way what’s right for you and if you need breast cancer now :two_women_holding_hands: It’s here for you. :two_hearts: :two_hearts: :sparkles: :sparkles: Shi xx

Hi Bluecat

You’re on an emotional rollercoaster but it’s really not going to help you by being so harsh about yourself. Whatever your emotions, they are natural and they are yours. They aren’t measured against anyone else. So I would advise you to be a little kinder to yourself. It’s good that you can recognise you’re now angry (nothing wrong with that - they let you down) but that’s exhausting, emotionally and physically.

So you couldn’t face going back to the consultant. Is that any different from my needing to be shown around the chemo suite before I’d agree to chemo and extracting promises that there would be anti-emetics by the billion as well as a mild sedative so I wouldn’t do a runner? I am proud of how I was open about my needs at a very vulnerable time and proud of how I got through.

Despite all the advertising clichés, this is not a battle, with the brave gaining medals and the cowards getting their just desserts. This is an experience we all get through in our own ways. This is also a curable disease. You claim to know all there is to know but you haven’t factored in all the positives, let alone the fact that you don’t yet know your diagnosis. 

I admire how you’ve been able to put your son’s need for a stress-free evening above your own needs. Maybe you could be as considerate of yourself too? 

Take care,

Jan x

Hi Bluecat

I know exactly how you feel.

I am the kind of person who has to deal with my own problems, face them and come to terms with them.

I kept this to myself for some time, the day I went for the tests was all very fast moving, examination, mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy and back to speak to doc all within an hour.  That final conversation with the doctor was aweful, he was very abrupt and basically said they were pretty sure it was cancer but he would see me in a week to confirm.

I can’t say I actually felt anything at that point.  I sat in the car thinking crap, I better tell my sister then, that’s when it became real.

Following week sister came to appointment I was adamant I did not want that doctor, but he was lovely this time and explained everything and had all the facts and treatment plan set and had had a meeting that morning to tailor my treatment plan.

I’ve just had my first round of chemo today, early days I know but so far so good.

You deal with it, whats best for you hun, you’re on the rollercoaster of emotions take one day as it comes and do what you have to…if that’s scream, scream loud, if its hitting something buy a punchbag don’t advise the wall or your husband!!!

Take care and come back and update us all soon

Thinking about you all 

Jojo xx