I was dreading the day but here it is: ‘crazy sobbing lady’ bench, here I am for the first time!
Had a long chat with my BCN, who is ever so lovely, and the dreaded heart scan afterwards. Have been terribly emotional, randomly bursting into tears. Poor Senior Radiologist had to listen to it all… Oh my!
So I am currently in hiding, hoping to cheer up a bit…
Oh, and the scan actually wasn’t that bad…
JCJ - your post put a smile on my face. It does sound very exciting. Am not sure when I will return to work, went back for a few hours here and there 3 or 4 weeks after my first surgery. Am still home recovering from surgery 2, waiting to hear when chemo is supposed to start. I do go visit work whenever I feel like it as I miss the kids - and they miss me, asking when I am coming back - but am not sure I could handle the everyday fun and stress of 32 preschoolers just right now (physicaly and emotionally)…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Eve it is a horrible place to be, it is a truly emotional rollercoaster, hope you are feeling a bit better now, really feel for you so lots of huggles coming your way.
Kids are wonderful JCJ and each brings their own joy, lovely picture of them all so excited to see you.
Jane one minute you are here and the next whoosh you are gone, where did you get the invisible ink??
Hope you are ok RevCat with the joint problems and flushing at least we can laugh…
Was on the “really tired” bench today and spent most of the afternoon asleep, what was that all about??? xx
Eve, I was told if I had chemo, I wouldn’t be allowed to go into school during treatment, because of the risk of infection with a lowered immune system - small children being such germ carriers!
Small children (or any of them!) do require vast stocks of patience and energy don’t they? - both in short supply during the emotional BC roller coaster?!
BC Nurse (oncology variety) rang me earlier. Apparently, I have to go for my 2-week-post-rads check-up and expose myself to her tomorrow so she can check my skin and talk to me about what happens now. Just when I thought I was appointment-free for a while, I have to go back to the Breast Screening Unit. Not many happy memories (or mammories?) in that place.
Ah well, maybe she can give me some advice on stopping feeling like an inflated balloon!
Aahh Eve this is such a rollercoaster ride. I’ve been on the crazy sobbing lady bench as you know but found its just possibe to crawl away to a more positive bench after a while. Don’t worry about Poor Senior Radiologist he/she will be used to it and we’re the important people here. Keep on doing what YOU want to do and visit work if you feel like i ( I couldn’t handle 32 preschoolers at the best of times).
Good luck, we will get through this!
JCJ Glad your head teacher is being so understanding but don’t try to do more than you can , if there is one thing I’ve learned from this its that we come first.
I
the
yay! seem to be here briefly! definitely no school during chemo… not good for you! I wasn’t allowed to work in hospital while I had mine, and whilst I found it hard to start with, I was soon grateful not to have to try…
down. fine
jcj good for you, but listen to your body about the speed of return. I had to slowmine now, but you do have to pace yourself or you’ll be trying benches you’d rather avoid! raining here now byeee…
THANK YOU katytc, JCJ, foxyferret and GIJane!
Thank you for the kind words and the huggles!
Have been cozied up on the sofa with tea and a DVD for the evening. Am definitley calmer now but quite exhausted, so no bouncing around Benchland. Managed to move from the CSL bench to my favourite hammock and I guess that’s me for today…
Thanks again and I hope you all have a good night!
On the rather p****d off bench today, following comments from my boss and my colleague, one on Thursday last week and the other today.
I have had quite a lot of appointments (Herceptin every 3 weeks, MUGA scan, oncologist, GP, and the SS calling meetings all over the place) so I have not been in the office all the time. I have booked holiday for the SS appointments (which REALLY p***es me off and has me swearing and stomping off to the FF bench when I think of it!) and let them know all the times when I had to be out of the office.
Last Thursday the boss (female) said “That’s an awful lot of time out of the office. We took you on as full-time…” I was speechless. I have said that I will do whatever is required, either make up the time or take unpaid leave, but now I’m feeling obliged to book all my medical appointments as holiday. And this morning when I was in late because I missed the pharmacy yesterday evening and had to wait until 9am this morning for them to open, my colleague made some quip about me being “part-time”. I was NOT impressed, and let her know in no uncertain terms that I most certainly WASN’T part-time, and that I was either making up the hours by working through lunch or staying late, or I was taking the time as holiday. She back-pedalled loads, but I was really upset. Big brave me, though, I didn’t actually burst into tears, although I was close. (God bless anti-depressants.)
I have a one-to-one with the boss tomorrow and I intend making a big thing of those two comments. That is direct discrimination and they’re NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT!!! But it really has upset me, to the extent that I’m seriously tempted to just give them the one week’s notice I am on during my probationary period and get a job closer to home.
Phew, feel a little bit better getting that off my chest…
Eve, glad you have your comfy hammock sorted, just rest up now in the warm, balmy Benchland air. Schools and germy children don’t mix with chemo… I was lucky I was able to carry on working all through my chemo but had to stop any home viists or sick visits for the duration… having managed to get an infection right at the end (two weeks after last juicing) whichmeant about 4 hours in A&E while they ran endless tests before letting me home with industiral strngth anti-b’s, I’d say best avoided. (I think I caught mine when on a train and people were coughing and spluttering without using hankies… Glasgow in January… grrrrrrr)
CM - have you got a copy of BCCs equal ops notes? I would get one if not and take it with you into your meeting. HR at your employers really should know this stuff but often don’t seem to ‘get’ how it works for people with cancer.
On the ‘running late’ bench today… if there is such a thing? Well, running late anyway. So best shut up and get to work1
what rubbish for you CM. is my memory failing or do I remember you saying it was a New start & no-one knew you had had cancer? or has that changed? maybe I live in a bubble, but most folk I know would feel bad about their comments if you just gently said… let us know how it goes.
squelching through benchland today…on the Undercover bench (in more ways than one )time for coffee…anyone else want some?
On the smug bench having a cuppa. Went to my post-rads appointment with BCN after mini-meltdown this morning as my clothes are too tight and I was having a tantrum that I felt fat and ugly. I have relatively recently come to terms with being a size 20, having been ‘overweight’ all my life. Finally I’ve come to accept my shape and size, which has stayed stable for the last 20 years! and now I’ve got to face getting even bigger! CSL bench here we come.
I had a lovely long chat with BCN, and she reassured me that my weight is unlikely to continue ballooning and if it does doc will stop Zoladex because too much weight gain would be more of health risk than is worth it for the potential benefit of Zoladex.
That made me feel much better and I mosied into town to do some clothes shopping as none of my summer casual stuff fits (haven’t dared try on work clothes yet!). I was begrudgingly picking up size 22 things to try on and was delighted that they were ALL much too big and I had to have size 20 after all! Ridiculously happy about that! This happened in 2 different shops - (mind you, I was chosing things with a little elastication!). I also managed to find a lovely dress for a wedding I’m going to in July.
There were so many seriously fat people in town today that I actually felt quite normal and not the fat blimp I was this morning. It’s all relative, and I just need to get a grip!
CM, hopefully your one to one went well and in your favour.
JCJ, glad your shopping trip went well and you haven’t went up a dress size yippee!!!
Am still on the “tired” bench and am popping off to bed soon, hopefully waken up tomorrow full of beans???
Must have been the rollerskating and skateboarding, that’ll teach me xx
CM that’s just pants!! No wonder you’re onthe p****d off bench. You TELL then tomorrow but don’t resign until you’ve really calmed down and thought about it.
RevCat - of couse there’s a running late bench, although a newcomer here I’ve been led to believe there’s a bench for everything and running late would would be good for me too!
JCJ -Glad you found a lovely dress for the wedding. Size 20 is normal and anyone else is underweight !
Eve just keep going day by day ,stay in your hammock and think positive!
Think I might have blown it. Long story short (all of it now written down!) and I mentioned two little words, which caused the meeting to screech to a halt before it had even properly got started. If you don’t want your boss to have a dickie fit (and I didn’t want that, really, I just want to do my job!) don’t mention the words “Disability” and “Discrimination” in the same paragraph. Meeting stopped, with a new one that will include HR being rescheduled.
Frankly I’ve had too many fights to fight recently, I’d rather just leave and find a job closer to home. Yet another example of Social Services having a negative effect on my life. I even had some SS woman phone me up yesterday to ask if it would be convenient for her to pop in and see me at 1pm today. The answer was, in no uncertain terms, “NO, IT IS NOT CONVENIENT!” It’s not actually the cancer treatment but the social services meetings that are called at very short notice and rearrange that has caused such a big problem at work.
BCC, sorry if this post is breaching your rules and regulations, I’m just telling it like it is. It’s Social Services (NOT breast cancer) that is putting my job at risk! I’m so cross - clear the way to the FF bench quick!!!
Foxyferret. Thank you! There’s not much I can thank this b****rd BC for, but ‘meeting’ all you lovely people in BENCHLAND has definitely been the silver lining!
CM: As much as I don’t want your new employers to force you to leave your job, but I do wonder if the long commute is just adding to your, already huge pile of stresses, and a job closer to home might improve the quality of life for you and make problems like getting to the pharmacy and meeting SS (Always want to do comedy hand over top lip and arm in the air salute when I see that - you probaly think of a different, perhaps 2-fingered, ‘salute’??! :)) less of a burden? Just my opinion. Feel free to tell me to f… mind my own business.
I’m off to the completely kna**ered but grinning like a fool bench because I managed to swim half a mile last night AND do my BCC exercises in the pool. Got some funny looks, but having exposed myself to so many strangers recently - what’s a few funny looks from people who go to the swimming baths to STAND AND TALK?!!
I’d re-visit the smug bench, but I haven’t got the energy to get there!
JCJ, really what a show off, half a mile!!! How good are you???
CM, hope things are ok.
Still on the “I’m freezing and soooooooooooo tired” bench, will be moving soon to the “getting on my own nerves” bench xx
Sorry didn’t mean to show off! I used to swim a mile once a week (64 lengths), years ago, before I got promoted at work and was always too worn out to bother going. More recently, I’d be happy with 40 lengths, but I think 2 1/2 weeks post-rads 32 lengths is not too bad! Determined not to get any fatter!
Really tired today so probalby trying to run before I’m properly able to walk. Serves me right eh? I’ll get back in my kennel. (As long as there’s a pillow, a duvet and my teddy there! :))
)time for coffee…anyone else want some?
I’ll get back in my kennel. (As long as there’s a pillow, a duvet and my teddy there! :))