Had my 4th chemo today - which is good - thats over half way. Also got told that my tumour has shrunk and onc is happy so we are carrying on the way we are - which is good!! Also got told I am triple negative - which in some ways I am relieved about as wont have the awful side effects of herceptin or tamoxifen - spoke to bc nurse about it and was a bit worried as these treatments seemed to be a bit of an ‘insurance policy’ - but she reassures me that the chemo, surgery and rads will be more than enough!!! - so spose that is good too!!
So what am I stressed about then - got a phonecall before I went to hospital this morning to say dad was rushed in during night - he has heart failure and they reckon there is something wrong with his heart - waiting to hear what. This is on top on mum having been in hospital since July and will now have to go into nursing home. I really really cant take any more stress - they say that stress can bring on bc - if things carry on like this it will bloomin well come back quicker than quick. And they say to stay away from alcohol - what else can I use to destress??? I just want to scream and scream and scream - just when you get a little bit of good news something else happens - aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhh.
Anyway, rant over - trying to look on the bright side - dad is in the right place as he is in coronary care and I know he will be looked after there (have had bad experiences with mum and adult services!!) and my tumour is shrinking - just finding it hard to calm down - might take 3 sleeping tabs tonight!!
Hope you are all ok
Thanks for listening (reading)
Hugs to all
Fiona
xx
Sorry to hear your news Fiona, sometimes it seems that life just throws everything it has at you and you want to shout WHY ME!
You say your mum has to go into a nursing home, well hopefully it will be somewhere wonderful and she will be well looked after and having been through the same thing with my mum it was definately the best thing in the end. Also your dad is definately in the best place and they will take excellent care of him and he will be treated well and make it home soon.
I try to use time as a guide, some times i can take things a week at a time, sometimes a day at a time and sometimes i just need to concentrate on only an hour at a time to get through. This does help and you have to stop yourself thinking to far ahead which tends to make your brain explode!
Try some scented candles (if your smells not affected) and a nice hot bubble bath before bed. The water will help your body to relax even if your brain is struggling.
OH coming round - but hes a footie addict and his team rangers are playing - so I think a bath will be a very good idea!!! Would normally have a wee drinkie too but dont think it would taste right tonight.
It is difficult not to think too far in advance (re surgery etc) but mind just wont stop with everything going on.
I have posted this for new user Sue
Sam, Moderator
Fiona
My treatment is very similar to yours and I have thankfully completed my chemo and had surgery. Thanks to chemo it redcuded the cancer so a complete mastectomy turned into partial plus all the nodes (as it had spread the their). Waiting to start radio and then like you am not oestrogen responsive so no tomoxifn etc. Also like you have had lots of family issues happening. Just to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and during my time I have found that going to pub and having a drink when I feel up to eat was a complete stress relief. Just to laugh with friends was good, It also gets you away from the day to day rituals. Docs did not have an problem with me having a drink (obviously not to excess). So I would say listen to your body and do what it feels like. You know what they say a little of what you like!
Hi Fiona
I’m so so sorry to hear about your family troubles - you’ve got quite enough already without your dad now getting ill too. I’m glad he’s in coronary care - as you say, he’s in the right place. Bet he’s worried about stressing you and you him! The connection between stress and BC isn’t all that clear, but it is very important that you are allowed to recover physically and mentally from the aggressive chemo treatment - stress doesn’t help in that respect. As you say, you’re now over half way with it and what great news from the onc, so there’s a positive future - and that’s worth holding on to.
I found that the time on FEC went unbearably slowly up to the point you’re at now and then it was all over quite quickly. I guess you’ll get a little time after the last chemo before surgery, so you should get a little breathing space.
I was told not to drink at all during chemo, but have since found out that it’s OK as long as you don’t have a lot or close to the actual treatment - you have to let your liver recover from the chemo. But a little tipple may help reduce the stress. There’s no ban, by the way, on having a good scream, just try not to terrify any small children.
I do hope things turn out OK with your dad - big hugs.
Sarah
XXX
Had a bath, went to bed, read my book, took 3 sleeping tablets, (hours ago), switched off the light, then the light in my brain came on, started thinking about everything and the tears started again!!. I now have a headache and am obviously back out of bed. Even tho I only had chemo today am having a vodka to see if that puts me to sleep. Its just a nightmare and I am now getting to the stage that I think I will have to think about counselling of some sort (have tried it before through occupational health at work and that did nothing for me) so going to see gp soon I think - I have so much anger etc inside me and think this is only going to fester on even after my treatment eventually finishes. I am not really one to talk about my feelings which really doestnt help but if I am to move on with my life when this is all done I think I need to try again.
I know it sounds daft but I found screaming during chemo actually helped release all tension, hope you are feeling better now and your dad and mum are doing ok.
So sorry to hear of all the pressure being piled up on you. Waking during the night is the worst don’t you think?
I hope your dads care goes smoothly and your mums transfer goes ahead without the problems you say you have come across before. In the meantime just keep up the hot baths and reading and as pammy says screaming will help even if it leaves you with a headache. ( I Used to do this too)
You said you can’t take much more, but you know you sound an awful resourceful lady so just keep using this thread to let off steam we will all do our best to help.
Glad you are feeling less teary, it does get better my love as time goes on, the simple things in life like screaming really do help and cost nothing, the world around you might think you have gone mad but who cares just let it go…
Still stressed and teetering on the verge of tears a lot but better. Dad is getting home today to go back on Tuesday for an angiogram to find out what going on with his ticker - fingers crossed it is not too serious. We now have to go looking for a care home for mum in between all this too - not looking forward to that.
Thinking of going back to work very part time in a couple of weeks time - dont know if this will help or not - might give me something else to think of - if I cant cope I will just stop again.
Thanks for all the hugs and good thoughts - they do help - as I have said many a time - this site is a godsend.
Just caught up with this thread. So sorry about your horrible week, good news though that they are letting your Dad out…but God what a stress, like you need any more to cope with.
Glad your chemo is doing the trick, it is so encouraging when you know at least something is working.
Hope work is not too much for you - be careful and don’t over do things and make yourself (even more) run down.
Thanks for your comments. Dad out but goes back in Tuesday for an angiogram - hopefully the results of this will not involve surgery in the future - everything is crossed.
I must admit going back to work is mostly a financial decision and I am doing it for me and not them. They are being really flexible and I am not going back to my ‘clinical’ job but just paperwork to start with - ppicking and chosing my hours and days - this will only be for myab 6 - 8 weeks till my surgery then it will all be reviewed again depending on the extent of surgery etc - then will try to work thro rads - but again I could work at weekends by this time. If its not right for me I will just stop working again.
Thanks for the advice anyway
Hope you are going ok yourself
Fiona
xx
It is so good to work for a company who can be flexible, not all are quite so accommodating.
I am lucky - I chose to take redundancy last December, whilst I was still on Maternity leave, so very fortunate not having to worry about going back to work at the moment.
It sounds like we might be having surgery around the same time. I have my last chemo 2nd Nov and so will be having surgery hopefully about 4 weeks after that. I am going to see the surgeon tomorrow so will know a bit more then, but I am gonna ask for a bi-lat mastectomy (never ever thought I would be saying that!). I decided as I am Triple Negative and can’t have the hormone drugs or Herceptin that I want to reduce my risk of recurrance as much as possible…also there is a high chance I have the duff gene and that could potentially mean it going to the t’other side. I want to know that I did everything possible myself and so I just hope they support that view.
Anyhow - I really hope your Dad is OK this week and things calm down for you.
Take care of you…sending love and hugs
Ali
x
Yep sounds like we are round about the same time - I dont even care that I might be ‘laid up’ over xmas - just want to get it over and done with.
your comments about asking for a double mastectomy have got me thinking - not that I havent thought about it before - it sure is a huge decision for me - but I hope they support whatever you decide. I on the other hand have no family history of bc but theres always something at the back of my mind that its got to start somewhere in a family dont you think?? How old are you again and are you definately to have mastectomy on affected side rather than wle?? - I have read about you lots before but my mind is mince!!
I have had a very weepy day - basically have not stopped on and off all day - no particular reason - sometimes we dont need one do we - but just havent been able to stop every time I think about everything - the now , the near future and the further future ahead. I have been able to say things out loud today tho that I have been keeing inside (i am not the best talker) - more of a putting on a face person - but think that has all got on top of me and knew one day it would come out one way or another.
Thank you for your continued support.
Good luck with the surgeon tomorrow - please let me know how you get on
Thinking of you
Take care
Fiona
x
If you feel that it would help to talk to someone in confidence about how you are feeling you are welcome to contact our helpliners who can offer you support and ‘listening ear’. The helpline is open Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm on 0808 800 6000.
We can also talk to you about other support services which you may find helpful such as ‘Peer support’, whereby we can put you in touch with someone of a similar age and diagnosis to you so that you are able to ‘speak’ to someone who understands how you are feeling.
Sounds like you have had a rubbish day - bless you, but you are right it DOES have to come out…i have phases too - sometimes happy happy and then it just hits you.
The last time I had chemo it all came out, I had been so stressed about changing from FEC to Taxotere and then they kept me waiting about 4 hours - I just lost the plot and sobbed. You definitely feel better for it though. I am thinking about going to see a counsellor, some of the girls on here have done that and it has been good for them. I think we try too hard to be OK for everyone else’s benefit, well I do, especially for my Mum - but I am getting to the point now where I think b*llocks to that - just tell it how it is and that helps me deal with it and talk about it.
On the subect of Mast -v- WLE, they did originally say definitely mastectomy but my lump has shrunk by well over 50% and so they did say a WLE might be an option, but of course that may not be successful and might mean a Mast anyway…also factor in the Triple Neg and the duff gene and I reckon I should just go for it as at least I will have a matching pair!!! Ha Ha… I don’t have any family history though, well might be on my Dad’s side that skipped to me, but he died 10 years ago and his mum died in the 60’s so could have had it.
Will let you know what tomorrow brings…
Love and hugs
Ali
xx
PS - I am 34 with a 5yr old little girl and an 18 month old little boy…and a 37 year old big boy (ooh-err)!!!