You make total sense to me. Im 2 weeks since lumpectomy and awaiting results next week but struggle to cry about it and feel like no one around me gets it. Im not looking forward to the hormone blockers. I don’t want to live a crap life. So I get you.
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You are not going mad at all. It’s a massive shock. I had a lumpectomy and lymph node clearance, followed by chemo then radiotherapy. I have sailed through (as much as you can) but it doesn’t mean I’m better. People always said to me after the radiotherapy, “so you’re all better then?” I would say as far as we know but I’m still on treatment. I am on tamoxifen, abemaciclib, a monthly hormone blocker injection and the 6 monthly bone infusion. People stopped asking me, at least I did have a list of stuff to reel off that I was going through. Just because you didn’t have chemo doesn’t mean you haven’t suffered. You almost have to be a robot to get through the treatment side of things. After the diagnosis I didn’t really cry either - I tried, almost forced myself to cry. I think I felt numb, still do really. I always feel guilty when I come on here and see someone with a worse diagnosis than me. I feel like I’m being soft. I didn’t have complications like you and not sure how I would have coped if I had. They kept me in after my op, saying it was too late. No-one said anything about the op taking longer than expected or complications. I went down at around 3/half past and when I came round it was half 7/quarter to 8 
I was bawling my eyes out, I was so worried about the op. I’ve never had general before so when I went down, I was petrified and bawling then when I came round I was still crying! It’s like I’d opened the flood gates! I couldn’t stop! Don’t let people that haven’t been through it tell you you should be over it. They have no idea! I know it’s easier to say than do but try not to worry about what other people think. No one knows what anyone else is going through and they have no right to judge. Good luck in the rest of your journey, the important thing to remember is there’s no rush. Everything at your own pace 🩷
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Hi Raspberry-diva,
I am replying as a 16-year survivor who struggled for a couple of years after treatment adjusting to the shock and the attitudes of people around me who thought I should be more positive. It’s a traumatic experience and I think it’s a normal psychological response to the experience you’ve been through, it’s still very fresh in your memory and there are the medications to contend with too.
The moving forward course sounds like a great idea and the article someone has posted is helpful too. I know October was always a difficult month for me because it all just seemed so pink, fun, balloons, like a party but a party no one wanted to be invited to. I know now that it’s good for raising awareness and funds and I eventually reclaimed hot pink as a colour I like to wear. I don’t think the scaries ever completely go away, but the memories of treatment fade and it’s like remembering a bad dream now.
Please be compassionate to yourself because you have had an awful experience - I had the seroma too, I remember it as feeling like a football under my arm although in hindsight it can’t have been that big. Your brain processes physical trauma in its own time, not according to other people’s timelines.
You won’t be the only one feeling this way and I think only people who have been through this experience understand that it doesn’t and can’t just disappear like flicking a lightswitch.
Sending you love and strength 
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Hi raspberry-diva I can really relate to your post because I went into automatic pilot from shock from my diagnosis, just dealing with all the treatment, appointments and trying not to let my diagnosis affect me too much - but it does! I found Macmillan counselling really helpful when I felt low. They offered 4 sessions of telephone counselling and it really helped me move on. I didn’t find the Moving Forward course that helpful, partly because I was still so busy trying to deny the emotional effect of my cancer and “prove” it wasn’t going to ruin my life. Also I was still in shock and denial, feeling like I didn’t really have cancer, it was just happening to someone else and I was on the outside looking in. One year on I now feel loads better and can see my cancer as something in the past. I am one of the lucky ones who can tolerate Letrozole and physically I can do most of the things I did before, including 10 mile walks. I don’t think we ever get back to “normal” but I feel healthy and don’t worry/think about my cancer day to day and am able to get on with my life. You will too! Good luck with it all x
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Firstly, thank you to all of you who took the time to reply and apologies for the radio silence. I’ve been struggling quite a bit.
I made my first visit to my local Maggie’s yesterday and spoke with one of the support specialists for an hour. It did help a bit and I did actually cry a little. I’ve signed up for a few of their courses. She did say that the hormone treatment is likely to be what is affecting my mood.
I must admit, I am asking myself if I can cope like this for another four years (at least). I did feel a lot better when I took the break from the Letrozole.
I just want to feel normal again. We retired a year before my diagnosis and I feel like I’m not enjoying it as much as I was and should be.
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Hello Fran
Samaritans have been great, they have supported me so much.
I’ve been on exemestane for about a month now and I am still struggling if I’m honest. I have some joint pain but I have a lifelong disability that can also cause joint pain in my legs so I’m not always sure what is causing it. For me the hardest part is the effect on my mental health.
I’ve just been love bombed by my Labrador (my profile picture). He must have picked up on my emotions. They certainly know how to make you feel better 
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Your feelings are perfectly valid. I have had two primary cancer diagnoses two years apart. The first was melanoma and easily treated with surgery alone. The second was BC and I’m in for the works treatment wise. However, I think the physchology is essentially the same, humans don’t expect bad things to happen to them, and when they do, it can take a long time to come to terms with it. My melanoma diagnosis was still stealing my thoughts right up until my BC diagnosis, and I’ve even found myself feeling annoyed that the outpouring of support I’m currently experiencing wasn’t there for the melanoma, because I still needed it. x
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So, just a little update. I’ve been feeling worse and worse these last few days so I finally rang the breast care team.
One of my big problems is pain in my hands. I have restricted movement in the joints in my legs and use both a wheelchair and walking sticks. I also drive using hand controls. I cannot function if my hands are hurting so much. That’s aside from the awful low mood.
The nurse understood my difficulties and advised me to stop taking the exemestane until she has spoken with my consultant and gets back to me. She thinks I might find Tamoxifen better as it works in a different way to the AIs.
I’m feeling so rough and my husband, who does so much for me, has an ear infection and likely Covid. He’s feeling awful and can’t do much at all. To top it all, the dog is not well either. I haven’t got the energy or headspace to take him to the vet today. I will get him there if he gets any worse, he’s been coughing and a bit sick. He’s probably eaten something he shouldn’t have.
I honestly feel like we should have a big black cross on the house to keep people away!
I don’t think it is quite as effective as the aromatase inhibitors but it would be better than not taking anything and that is where my head is at the moment.
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Dear Raspberry-diva,
What a rotten time you, hubby and the dog are all having, my heart goes out to you.
Let’s hope your BC team get you sorted very soon, it’s does.sound like your medication.
Wishing you all well, hopefully a peaceful weekend.
Hugs Tili 
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Thank you so much for replying.
I can associate with many of the emotional elements in these posts and now 11 months post diagnosis and 5 months post radiotherapy I am only just processing the psychological bombshell that’s landed on my life. I have been pushed into retirement as a result of my circumstances and feel I’ve had a thief run through my very being leaving me quite perplexed as to what’s just happened. What with body image change, anxiety of the future, influences of medication on our emotions, and for me in regard to work a complete removal of perception of self… I feel I need to completely rebuild. It’s so great to hear a 16 year post diagnosis story and am grateful for the encouragement. Octobers breast cancer awareness whilst vital has really brought me low in mood and enhanced my fear of secondary’s.
It’s a one day at a time approach but it’s not easy to keep being resilient and seeking ways of rebuilding yourself.
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Hi helen3, your post could be me, I’m 7 months post diagnosis & 4 months post RT. I thought I was doing really well mentally, but this past 2 weeks I have been constantly worried. Imagining I can feel more lumps, thinking every pain I get could be secondary cancer, it’s exhausting. I also get the odd day of fatigue since RT which floor me. I thought I had it mentally, but these 2 weeks have been depressing, I’ve got to snap out of it & think positively again. Best wishes.
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I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through @raspberry-diva, with own health as well as your husband being unwell and your dog. Is that him in your profile picture? He’s gorgeous!
I hope the change to tamoxifen helps with some of these issues. It’s no wonder you don’t feel you have much energy or headspace at the moment.
Please know if you ever want to chat things through, our breast care nurses are here. They can be reached on our free helpline on 0808 800 6000 which is open Monday to Friday 9am-4pm and 9am-1pm Saturday. You can also post questions for them on the Ask our Nurses your questions board on the forum.
Thinking of you,
Lucy
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I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling @helen3 and @balchik. We know that breast cancer awareness month can be a very difficult and overwhelming time.
Our nurses are always here to talk things through, however you are feeling. You can contact them on our free helpline 0808 800 6000. And of course, the forum is always here for you too.
Macmillan have a counselling service that I know many people in the forum have found useful. If you’re interested you can find out more here: Free counselling for people with cancer | Macmillan Cancer Support.
Thinking of you,
Lucy
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