i’m sorry to anyone who has got much more chemo than me to go but i am really struggling at the moment and just need to vent a bit, don’t worry about replying to this.
I had the 5th of 6 EC’s this week and I know you must all be thinking lucky thing only one more to go but I just wish I didn’t have to have it. I am just so fed up, wiped out, can hardly make the stairs, look ten years older, have an irritating flaky scalp, breathless and just can’t bear thought of any more of that bloody horrible red liquid going through my veins again followed by that cyclo… the mere thought of it in my veins makes me feel physically sick and my aching sore veins have just had enough. I was wondering about asking onc whetehr i could not bother with last EC but i guess that’s a stupid thing to do. I know there is the light and I can see it but it’s as if my legs have just become trapped in some sort of tight wedge and i can’t move forward. I haven’t had a great time on chemo though some of you have had it much worse. I’ve only been hospitalised once up to now but have had bad vomiting throughout and then the lows caused by the steroids have got to me. What a whinge bag I am today. I think when you get to no 5 as well as feeling total elation that you’re almost there, the tiredness really does start to kick in… i just feel i’m stuck in a body that can’t do anything and i am so desperate for my life back. i am 39 and these past five months although they’ve gone fast have been just so hard. I dont want to put off anyone starting this journey as it is true what they way it is doable and i do have good days… i’m just… well sad i guess, sad that i look so hideous, sad that i have no energy, sad that i feel crap most of the time (but i’m only on day 6 after chemo) and sad that i have brought all this worry and concern to my wonderful family.
Now, i will shut up. I was just wondering if i allowed these emotions to come out whether i’d feel better. And I do. A little. And it beats kicking the cat I suppose (joke!).
I’m sure you will gets lots of replies and support, please also feel free to call our confidential helpline for further support and a ‘listening ear’ if you feel it would help. The line is open Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm.
I’ve just kicked my cat as I feel exactly the same as you. Lol
I had my last taxotere on Monday and I feel totally and utterly wiped out. YOU CAN DO IT!! I’ve been in hospital twice and the low’s really get to you. At number 5 my emotions and feelings were just so low, I couldnt sit still, I feel so unattractive, I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! These drugs they give us really do knock us about but they are doing their job, remain positive and it wont be soon until we are both rebuilding and looking forward. I was diagnosed at 30 and i’ve gots lots of living to do so i’m going to bloody well do it!!!
Have a good day and just keep looking forward x x x
Mel x x
Hi Carrie, i think you really need to be proud of yourself to have come through what you have, i have only had one chemo so far and i admire all you ladies that have battled on and are near the end of chemo. I am sure your family are so proud of you too. I think it does you good to have a winge too and eat chocolate if you feel like it!!
I’m sure things will feel better soon and if you can get through 6 x chemos then you are stronger than you think.
I am nearly two years now since the end of my chemo and my life is back to “normal” - I know that like you that was all I craved.
My treatment was 4 FEC and 4 taxol but I was SO ill on FEC that i only did 3 of the 4 and then moved onto taxol which I have to say was MUCH better. I questioned my ONC about missing the last FEC and he said that it would not make much difference as it was only one out of 8 chemo cycles.
What I am trying to say is ask your Onc - dont push yourself beyond your limit if it makes only a tiny difference. Obviously I dont know what your prognosis is but I advise you to ask him if you feel so bad.
First of all please don’t feel you have to apologise for feeling crappy. It sounds like you have had a really hard time on chemo. I’ve had a lot more chemo than you but believe me this shouldn’t be a competition about who copes and doesn’t cope. We are all different. (I have been luckier than you in that I’ve never been sick and I’ve never been hospitalised)
I so so know the feelings you are describing…the utter exhaustion, looking ghastly, feeling trapped and yes the sadness of how our illness is upsetting those we love.
I think you should talk to your oncologist about how you are feeling and consider asking not to have chemo no 6. As far as I am aware (but please do check this out with helplines and medics) having 5 rather than 6 EC will make no difference whatsoever to whether your cancer returns or not so it is certainly not a stupid thing to consider.
I know you posted at a low moment and I know you know you will have good days again, but give yourself permission to say no to number 6 (and just that simple act may help you to take it if thats what you decide to do.)
I know what you mean about chemo being ‘doable’ but also being awful. I think the word ‘doable’ is useful as a contrast to the media image of what chemotherapy is like, but I think it can also be a tryranny for those of us who quite honestly still hate it.
Alise Sarah and Mel - THANK YOU SO MUCH! I can’t believe how quickly support floods in on this website, i am so grateful and i am immensely moved by how much everyone else can give when they are going through shit too. i have a little tear in my eye now. I will check with onc Alise, thanks for advice. I know we will all get through it because we have to and we are strong, I will always have such utter admiration for any woman going through chemo - they are amazons in my book!! Good luck to you all, you have lifted another person out of the depths this morning and that is incredible. I would go and stuff down a chocolate croissant but my taste is shot to pieces and everything tastes like cack!! …oh well, back to counting hairs then… Lots of love, Carrie
You have no idea how your suggestion that I give myself permission not to have chemo no 6 made me feel… i got quite excited by the thought that this could be it! No more chemo! I will definitely speak to Onc about that and see what he says - i’ve a feeling he’ll look at me over the rim of his specs and give me a hard stare and then a sigh and then say ‘well if that’s how you feel’… but i feel empowered by your suggestion so thank you very much and whether or not I go through with it, just having a feeling of control back helps. I have always followed your posts on here and just wanted to say that the info you give out to people on here is fantastic, it’s always very measured and truthful. I hope things go well for you and that you get back lots of support in return. Have a great day Carrie
Don’t know whether this helps you, but I did not have the last of my AC chemo - was so ill with it and had serious bowel problems, that I just could not cope with any more. My oncologist said that the main benefit will have been given by then and did not ‘force’ me to have the last one. It did give me the ability to gain back some control. Whatever happens now, I feel I’ve made the right decision for me, and that is what utimately counts. Do have a word with yur oncologist and hopefully he can give you some sensible advice and help in your decision making process. Very best of luck.
Not going to suggest anything as it’s already been said. I felt as fit as a butchers dog before I started chemo and like you really struggled with it and I do consider myself a tough old bird. I spent 5 months in a place where I wouldn’t send my worst enemy. I didn’t beat myself up either when I read that some people go back to work in between chemos. I couldn’t have done I was like you on the fec and just going upstairs neccessitated an hour on the bed to get over it.!!! See what the onc says and good luck love Eileen
I think Jane is absolutely right here. My experience was that chemo was more “doable” than I thought but I too hated it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be in terms of sickness, but I did feel poisoned and was knackered by the end. I hope I never have to “do” chemo ever again. I won’t be frightened of it in the same way, but I just dont want to feel like that again.
You’ve had a terrible time, poor chick. Hope the onc comes up trumps.
Sarah
XXX