This is so weird. I am nearly two years on from initial diagnosis and start of treatment- mastectomy, chemo, radiotherapy etc yet tonight, out of nowhere, it just suddenly hit me. I only have one boob. My body is butchered. I will never be the same person again. I hate how I look. I don’t even remember me before this. How did this happen?? Why now? I know I am lucky to have survived cancer but it’s just never really ever ends does it! I feel despair
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Your body is not butchered. A small part of you which was diseased has been removed so that the rest of your beautiful self can survive and go on to thrive. You have been busy with your treatments which at the time absorb all our energies. These have ended but of course you are changed after the onslaught that we all go through. It takes time to pick back up again but this will come if you let it. Be kind to yourself but don’t fester on gloomy thoughts. Build your strength and your energy gradually, take joy in everything around you and the fact that you are here to experience joy. You may not be quite the same person, just a slightly older, wiser one.
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Thank you for your kind words x
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I could of written this. It has only just hit me 3 years later. Sending hugs.
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Hello there @jjpot1606
Just to say that what you are experiencing is normal for the stage you are at now. @teddy271 is quite right in that while active treatment is ongoing it does take all your energy as you go from appointment to appointment treatment to treatment not looking too far ahead and trying not to think too much about it all because all your energy needs to go to getting through it and then helping your body recover . And you had an enemy to fight - now you’ve defeated it you know you should feel lucky and grateful but it’s really confusing because your life is no longer governed by a structure of appointments and your family and friends think the crisis is over now . But for you - suddenly you have the time and the band width to start to process .
There are resources to help you through this time if you need them . If you haven’t already look into doing the Moving Forwards course . I have heard that the Penny Brohn charity is helpful and you could seek out counselling as well . There may be a support group that you could access locally . But maybe you just need a little time to grieve for what this fight has cost you and that’s perfectly ok.
Sending love xx
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Hi I had a real post cancer blues about 9 months after surgery and radiotherapy, whilst I was still on post cancer treatment. I contacted breast cancer now team and attended online looking forward course of two three hour sessions. It was brilliant and I’m still in touch with the other ladies on course now for supporting each other. I’d thoroughly recommend it- and your feeling will not last forever I promise you xx
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What you are feeling is totally normal. I had a Mastectomy and immediate reconstruction (DIEP) in January this year. There are days when I am busy and don’t even think about it all. I have a large area of numbness where the fat was taken for the reconstruction and sometimes I feel really sad about it as I will never be the same again. What I suggest is you do some counselling to support you through this part of the journey. Part of self care is looking after your mental health too. Some countries offer free counselling (here in NZ we are allowed 3 sessions and can use them at any time) and another thing which may help is joining a group of other breast cancer survivors. I talk regularly with a lady who comes into my work who had survived both breast and bowel cancer. We agree that you don’t understand this until you have a lived experience of it. I said to her “I don’t normally swear but this whole thing has been a massive Mind Fuck! Just know that you are not alone and seek help when you need it!
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Its totally understandable, and while we say we are lucky to survive we are of course not lucky to have this disease in the first place. Grieving for your old self is natural I think, and nobody would condemn you for it. Take time to come to terms with it, don’t think of yourself as butchered, you are as beautiful as you ever were. Buy yourself a new dress, blouse or top, something that will boost your confidence and make you feel beautiful xx
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Thank you for replying really appreciate your words and support x
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Thank you and sending you love and support right back at you x
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Thank you for replying. It’s so helpful knowing others feel that sense of sadness some days. Take care x
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You are very kind for replying thank you. And a new top ordered! Look after yourself x
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Hey jjpot1606, I’m so sorry to be reading your message, and hearing how low you are feeling just now. I, too, am two years on from treatment and surgery, and I have come to realise that at the time that everything is happening you don’t have time to make sense of how you’re feeling or what’s actually happening, as you’re so consumed by dealing with the day-to-day issues, pains, setbacks, and general struggles of treatment, that you really don’t get a chance to process the enormity of what you are going through. I believe that I am only now coming to terms with it all, so I totally understand you feelings of despair and horror at how you now look. Not recognising the person in the mirror is, for me, the worst legacy of cancer - one boob, thinning hair that never recovered, and a wish to become invisible. It’s so hard. I’m going to say the thing that no-one should say now - it was easier to face people when I was going through treatment, as it was obvious that I had cancer, and therefore had an excuse for looking so awful - no hair, knackered-looking, and generally unwell. Now, I feel like shouting “I’ve had cancer!” when I feel at my lowest, and know I look terrible (in my head anyway). It’s at those low points when the wish to be invisible becomes all-consuming. I’m also, though, a great believer in acceptance, and I’ve learned to accept that this is how it feels sometimes, and that I need to go through that process of feeling utter despair, just like you are right now. But I also accept that I won’t always feel like this, and I now look for the little things that make the day a little easier, like walking the dog, or pottering in the garden, meeting friends for gossip, or just getting out in the fresh air for 20 minutes or so, whilst trying to re-balance the despair days with happy to be alive days. Anything that avoids looking in the mirror! Don’t feel bad for feeling despair - of course you’re going to feel despair, you’ve had cancer, and all the sh*t that that diagnosis brings with it. I’ve come to realise that there is no expiration date on suddenly feeling the weight of what has happened, but I’ve accepted those days, and know that the next day will be different, and so the process of recovery and acceptance continues. I wish you all the very best wishes as you continue your recovery 
, and hope that your despair days become less and less - a good cry works wonders too! 
Sending strength and love .
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It’s happened to me too - not just after the cancer treatment but other big events in life. You deal with the thing at the time, then, boom, it comes and slaps you later what you’ve been through and how you are now. They don’t call it this, well, not that I’ve heard - but I’ve concluded it is a sort of post-traumatic stress. I hope you find some support to help you through. Be gentle on yourself meantime.
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Its a sign that we are human. I had good ‘training’ as well - when I was 26 I had a ruptured brain aneurysm and had emergency surgery to clip it. Strangely enough I felt much sadder then, but I suppose it was my young age. It ruined my 20s but I recovered fully (very lucky) and met my husband a few years later. But the stress and fear are similar to experiencing breast cancer. Take care and wear that new top proudly! 
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Hi, also 2 years down the line from breast and bowel cancer and suddenly feel as though I have PTSD. For me, I think it’s because I was dealing with so much initially that I didn’t have time to really process it, then it hit me. Think we just need time to process it all. We got through it and are surviving so should be proud of ourselves.
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I really feel for you. I’m currently feeling butchered also 1.5 boobs and one kidney now. And an abdomen that has been inflated, punctured and had robot arms fiddling with it. Bits are numb, bits are a weird shape. It’s so much to adjust to, especially having had a lifetime of problems with body image prior to this.
I am lucky to be alive and to live somewhere where my amazing treatment hasn’t cost me all my money ever. I’m lucky I have brilliant friends and family. I am very, very sad about what has happened to my body though.
Our oncology service has psychology as part of it, and I’ve just started seeing someone. I hope I can work through this too. I hope you’ve got access to something similar where you are.
I’m only a couple of months in and many have responded much better than I could so I’ll only say: I think of it as a war wound. A sign I went through a battle with help and survived. Our bodies change all the time as we get older so for now I equate it with my grey hairs. I know it will feel different if you’re much younger though. Either way, it’s worth considering some counselling. Take care x