Mutilated on Wednesday, cannot bear to look at myself or anything, never felt this low before, just want to go to sleep and never ever wake up, when i do wake up i am crying…have constant shaking inside, it never stops…
Surgeon told me he found loads of enlarged lymph nodes and I am now dreading the pathology reports appointment (not for 10 days still) as I just cannot take any more bad news and there seems little hope of any good, every time I have been it has just been worse news every time…
Sorry you must all be fed up with me by now, i am not brave like all of you
Hello Sascha just back from my weeks rads sessions and am so sorry you are feeling so down again. I am thinking of you and hope you will recover from your op soon and that your results will not be to long in coming as the waiting is so horrid. Will pm you when I have found my way round this new site - don’t like it so far as I have lost all my saved threads etc.
Gentle hug from Alaana and Fat Cat xxx
Hi Alanaa - thank you, I feel a little better today but deep down no different…this site is very frustrating but it seems you can only reply if you log in first, you cannot click on reply and it takes you to the login like the old site. I prefer the colour as I hate BC pink…but am finding forum hard to use now and I also lost all my private messages so lost phone numbers as well.
Also latest posts does not work
Results are not until monday week so another 10 days and i am so dreading them…it is time it was good news for me but so far it has always been worse news every visit…
How did you find rads?
xxx
Rads are not bad at all. I had 12 so far and only another 3 to go next week. My skin is holding out surprisingly good and just turning a nice shade of pink now. Using the cream and slapping it on frequently. Has my post to you arrived yet or are you still waiting for delivery? I hope they will get the private message sorted soon. We had a we drop of snow last night - can’t believe it is so cold in May. Frosty night again for today so plan to stay cosy at home with Fat Cat and a book and large mug of coffee.
Alanaa and Fat Cat xx
No post has not arrived… glad you are doing ok with rads -.which cream are you using? How do they check to see if rads has worked?
Sorry I can´t remember if you had chemo or not?
Sun is shining here but its hazy…
Come on private messages and friends lists…
Hi Alanaa
Thank you, its arrived in post today!!
Lets hope private messages get sorted over this weekend…
Sascha, I am so sorry that you are this low. I know for me, the wait between surgery and the full pathology results was very hard. For me, it was a 16 day wait.
However, worrying and projecting wouldn’t do a single thing to change the outcome of the pathology but it could serve to give me a really rotten time. So i coped by living in the moment, getting on with the next thing and working on acceptance and gratitude for our wonderful nhs.
I started reading the american site. Richest country in the world and yet women don’t have access to diagnostics and treatment unless they have sufficient insurance. I am HER2 positive so get 18 cycles of herceptin. In the US, so many can’t afford it.
This gave me a reality check, and instead of feeling sorry for myself, focus instead of doing what i can to suport others, it takes me out of me.
Once you have your reults and a treatment plan, life will feel more manageable. Rather than use negative terms like ‘mutilated’, try and replace them with more positive affirmations such as “i am making positive choices to be as well as i can”. I know its tough sascha. I was diagnosed in january, surgery february and am now doing chemo. We do get better at managing.
The only thing over which we have absolute power is our thoughts. Take that power.
Much love
Pixie xx
THanks PPixie - I am feeling a lot better today actually - stopped taking the painkillers and stopped feeling so depressed. Still have low times and scared times but nothing like the last few days…
And today was the first day I had positive news at the hospital for weeks as surgeon was so pleased with how well i am healing and with how well I am moving my arm (I really worked at that) and I got the impressions he is not as pessimistic about the lymph nodes as he was…I hope i am right and can report that this time next week, as i am nervous about the results…but I can at least access some positive thinking now (and I have finally looked at my no breast area…need to find a nice name for it I think!)
There are still a lot of extra challenges for me due to my multiple drug sensitivites and other health issues all of which complicate the main cancer treatments…but I finally feel a bit more like me.
Sending you a warm sunny hug, its been a lovely day today…
xx
Sascha, it made me tingle to see you turning that corner of despondency.
I think giving yourself a name for your mx is fantastic, gives you empowerment.
Up until bc, i had never had an operation. Now i have 4 scars on my chest. One on the breast, one where they removed the nodes, one for the portacath and one up my neck where they accessed the jugular to put in the catheter that links the portacath to my heart. I call them my 4 muses.
I bought 3 wigs, and called them Tallulah, Roxy and Coco. Just little things we can do to make us feel we have a bit of control and to keep those negative thoughts at bay.
I started the april 2012 thread and it has become such a funny and supportive place for us. There is good in everything, i am making friends through bc that i know i will keep for ever. Now thats real girl power.
Be gentle and be loving to yourself, you are worth it.
Much love
Pixie xx