Thank you @sez - you’re so very right.
I think that’s it too, i don’t have huge breasts but they definitely aren’t small either so will be incredibly noticeable. And I actually quite liked my breasts. Whilst I’m no supermodel, I’m really really feeling the loss of my looks and this is just adding to it. X
I had lumpectomy almost 3 weeks ago and have a very annoying seroma in the armpit that even got me into emergency. It got so big that it started pressing the vessels so they had to insert a drain for 4 days.
Now the drain is out and on day 2 it started filling again 
I think I’ll have to drain it again next week.
I’m also looking forward, same as my doctor, for the body to resolve it somehow on it’s own. Noone knows when it’s gonna happen though… Hopefully soon 
Mourning and grief plays a big part in all this, mourning the healthy lives we thought we had, losing body parts we never dreamed of losing. It’s all pretty horrific nightmare stuff.
Acceptance will come, by hook or by crook. You’ll get there, just never forget how far you’ve come. I always tell myself I’m not going to look too far ahead (no further than I can mentally handle anyway) but I can marvel at how far I’ve come. Just getting out of bed and doing anything else is no mean feat after horrible diagnosis. You’re tougher than even you are probably aware.
I think that’s very important to remember. Yesterday we did a 3 mile walk which included a few hills. I needed a couple of sit downs and was bemoaning the fact that I walked so much slower than I used to. My husband reminded me that this time last year I had to stop half way up the stairs in the house!!
Thank you @sez - yes, I feel like i am in a total nightmare. The health thing gets me too. Sometimes wonder if years of stress set it off.
I’ve been so healthy and find it very hard hearing that I’m “ill” from friends and family.
I’ve had multiple appointments with the surgeon and have explained that I don’t feel able to do it.
How are you doing? X
I’m doing much better than I was when I was in your position. I just started back at work 2 weeks ago (after nearly a year off), baby steps as I’m only doing Wednesday afternoons and Friday mornings and building from that to hopefully be back to at least Wed-Frid full days before the end of the year (I’ve been very lucky everyone has been so supportive at work). I live alone with my cat and she has had to move out (moved in with parents who live nearby, who lost their own cat a few months ago so I think it has unintentionally helped them too), as she was stressed by my being ill, it sounds silly but being alone is a bit of a struggle and I feel terrible cat mum guilt (have to nip in a few times a week so I don’t feel bad and she doesn’t forget me). There are people in far worse situations (with kids or without families nearby, or worst with families/friends that don’t care) so I consider myself pretty lucky really.
When I was where you are (in February) I was so POed that it had felt like almost 6 months of everyone telling me what to do and feeling like I couldn’t say a thing and just go along with it (though my oncologist tells me that wasn’t the case and I was advocating fiercely for myself) and suddenly chemo finished and I had weeks to decide what I wanted to happen next and I alone had to make that decision. I felt a bit abandoned and hated that suddenly I was responsible for big life changing decisions. None of this feels fair but that one really ticked me off.
Once I decided (it was originally going to be a single mastectomy) I went through x3 surgeons before finding one I trusted, they didn’t help matters (one was a slice and dice, not interested in reconstruction, delayed or otherwise, the second one was a little warmer but kept poo-pooing a lot of my fears and telling me I was simply wring to feel that way, the third listened intently to EVERYTHING I said and was keen to explain absolutely everything and every eventuality, he is also a cracking painter and his demeanor and attention to his art swayed me). I’m so glad I kept pushing and went with a surgery I felt comfortable with and not just the first one offered. It helps so much. Plus because my surgeon was so willing to listen to me, when my post chemo results/measurements came back (because they were quite impressive, down from 7cm to 17mm) I cheekily asked if I could have a lumpectomy instead of mastectomy, thinking I’d be dismissed again, but instead he looked again and said he was willing to try. He made no promises it’d be the only surgery, he said if he saw anything worrying during surgery or pathology afterwards said there was crap still floating about he wouldn’t hesitate to take the rest of it. That was exactly what I wanted to hear, as I was losing all my nodes (turns out I didn’t need to but I didn’t want to take a chance on the ATNEC trial) I wanted to try and see if anything could be saved. The risk paid off and we got it all with decent margins. There was some residual cancer in what he removed but everywhere else appears clear. I had radiation, which was exhausting but manageable, and I’m getting better. Still a bit wobbly on my feet and certainly not back to what I was (I live in a very hilly area in Derbyshire so would be walking up and down hills daily, can’t do that yet).
I’ll get there though, and so will you. Sending hugs.
Hi @sez - thanks so much for your reply! Where are you in your treatment plan? Are you recovering?
I too, live alone (which I normally love) but with this it’s become really really hard. I’ve been travelling back to Devon to stay with family when I can as there are times when I struggle to look after myself (I’ve really gone off cooking too, which I used to love)
Interesting to hear your experience with the surgeons, I didn’t realise that was an option. I do like mine though find him rather pushy. In the last appointment i got very stressed with him & my dad talking so much that i ended up saying quite firmly “will you let me speak?!”. They’re my breasts and it’s my body. Absolutely no one can get it unless they’ve been there in my experience and opinion.
It’s 4am and I’m wide awake due to night terrors. I hope that you’re resting well.
Xx
I’m not sleeping well either (neuropathy/buzzy feet).
My parents were moving near me anyway but I was really lucky I was diagnosed about 2 weeks before their move. I don’t drive so they’ve been incredible taking me to appointments and stuff (literally only weren’t around for my initial diagnosis appointment and another thing like a week later).
My dad worked for the NHS for decades before his retirement so he loves coming in and backing me up when surgeons have been overbearing, he speaks the lingo and luckily doesn’t butt in himself (just takes his cues from me). I’ve worked on and off for them since the 00’s myself so together we’re a little better armed than those without.
I’m glad you’ve been able to get to your family.
My mum has cooked for me when I’ve been really bad (feel like I’ve slept the most in my entire life since last August, and I’ve always loved sleeping, not this kind if sleep), fortunately I am back to doing most things for myself.
I’ve had chemo for 5 months from August 2024, surgery in early Feb this year, radiotherapy in May and am now on Kadcyla (I keep calling it post surgery chemo but I might be wrong) for the rest of the year, should finish the last week of December if there’s no delays. It’s far more tolerable than the other chemo (hence why I’m now back at work).
I stopped working after my first chemo cycle in August, had prepped with work I would try to work through it (I work in a GP surgery so they were happy to put me in isolation), however it immediately knocked me right out and I realised I wouldn’t be up to it. Work were very supportive and I was off for almost a year (my sick pay ran out two weeks ago so I returned the day after).
I’m not sleeping well cos on top of the neuropathy I got a nerve injury during my first phesgo injection (incorrectly administered in the wrong area of my thigh) and my GP hasn’t found me either an effective pain relief plan or provided me with a sleep aid (I’ve been begging for melatonin but they just want to focus on the pain instead of the sleep, I’m the other way round).
If you’re not happy with your surgeon please talk to your bc nurse. I loathed my first one (I swear he just saw me as a slab of meat, was very cold, made me cry on several occasions before I got rid), liked but was disappointed by my 2nd and my third I knew instantly was different, he was warm and showed he was listening/cared straight away. You need to feel comfortable with them, they’re supposed to help you make this massive decision and support you through it, if you can’t trust them you’re allowed to speak to others. I don’t know what your options in your area are but hopefully they’re similar to mine.
I hope you get some sleep, I’m usually up at unGodly hours so I’ll keep an eye out if you struggle overnight again (even if you just need to vent).
Hi Chita
Thanks for your reply. It’s a bit worrying having seromas isn’t it. I’ve been putting warm cloths/pads on the area to see if that helps (google said it might!) but it’s very swollen. Hopefully they will get back to me tomorrow.
One has gone dimpled so maybe that one’s going but the side near my underarm is huge and the bottom of the breast too.
Hope your recovery is going well otherwise. x
Having family support is a massive help @sez isn’t it? Though I find the heartbreak on my family’s faces hard to witness. Mum recently re homed a cat which has been lovely.
I have a lot of fatigue too, but wake up a lot during the night. I’ve somehow (& just about) kept working which I have mixed feelings about - sometimes the distraction is good, other times it really feels too much. Sadly I’m on a temporary contract until Feb & I know that at that point my career will be over & I’m trying to pay the mortgage solo so have needed to keep on.
The team aren’t able to offer any alternative other than a mastectomy so I feel backed into a corner and am obviously aware of the implications. I finished chemo 4 weeks ago and I know what the time line is.
It’s my birthday next week. Literally couldn’t be further away from what I imagined. X
Family does make all the difference. My mum said once during this process she wished it was her instead and I told her absolutely not, I can handle myself having it far more than I could her having it.
I’m sorry things are so tricky for you, doesn’t mean you can’t have a great outcome too though.
I was always pro delayed reconstruction, there are loads of pros to it (can see how you really feel once ‘she’s’ gone, if you need radiotherapy it won’t mess up an implant or warp it, not that that’s a given, you have longer to recover and think about exactly what you want if you do decide to try reconstruction i e. DIEP, impkant etc.). I know it’s a lot but it’s not all bad, even if it most definitely feels it right now.
My parents have said exactly the same thing. X