Tears
Tears I am writing this through tears streaming so I hope it all makes sense. My Mum is passing away, after a secondary diagnosis back in August of Liver Mets over the months we learnt it had spread to bone and brain. SHe became a child who cried out for her mother and could only communicate in the most basic of terms. She kept saying over and over that she was sorry. I cant believe what we have seem our mum suffer over the last couple of weeks.I left my job and became her carer. She deteriorated so quickly, from walking to wheelchair to bed bound. I desperately wanted to keep her at home but my Dad and sister felt the hospice was the best place for her so she went there on Friday. I dreaded the feeling of leaving her there and going back to the house without her in it. I tried to stay the night at the hospice with her last night but found it too hard. We were called at 6am this morning to go in as the nurses felt she was fading. After having no response from the Friday I was left alone with her for a moment and said in to her ear “Mummy, I love you”. She tried to open her eyes and I felt her arm flex as if she wanted to hold me. I asked her if she would always be with me and again her arm flexed. That was so special to me as I know she was trying to communicate her love. I miss her so so much. She was not only a mother but a best friend. I left the hospice today feeling strangly calm and at peace. It is only now writing it down that I feel everything so acutely. I am now dreading another call to go in when she has gone because I want to keep that special moment locked in my heart without seeing any more. I dont want to see her body without her soul or life there anymore. Would I be wrong not to go back? I dont know what to do. The one person who could make all the pain and hurt go away is Mum.
So sorry Just logged onto the site and read your post.
I am so sorry.
There are no right things to do at this terrible time. Most hopsices give wonderful care and really do help the dying to die peacefully and in dignity. I hope this will be the case in your mum’s final hours.
I think that hearing is the last of the senses to go when you are dying so your mum will have heard your expressiosn of love. Maybe you will want to see her again and hold her hand again.
If you don’t want to see your mum’s body after she has died then thats your choice. You are right that the body is not the person, but I found it helped to say goodbye to the body which had been my mum.
Thinking of you.
Jane
Help and support Hi Missfishy90
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum. It sounds like things are really tough at the moment. Please don’t hesitate to contact our free phone helpline on 0808 800 6000 if you would like to talk to someone in confidence about how you are feeling at the moment.
The team on the helpline are able to talk about both technical and emotional issues surrounding breast cancer.
The helpline is available Monday to Friday 9am-5pm and Saturday 9am-2pm.
I hope this helps
Kind regards
On-line host
Breast cancer care
So Sorry Hi there,
I am really sorry to hear what your going through.
I know its a terrible agonising choice to through, what to do for the best and how to remember your mother when she’s gone. I went through exactly the same thing myself in October.
There is not much anyone can say to make it easier. Everyone tends to say the same things to you when all you really want is your mother back. I’ve been there.
The only thing that made me decide to be with my mother, at home until the very end is that I know that she would have wanted it that way. Try and take a moment and think as clearly as you can… what would you mum really want for you and for her?
Its so hard, I know you want to remember those precious moments and not have anything to spoil it. I actually found that when death is near, its not as scary as we think. I literally had 5 or so minutes with my mother when I realised her breathing was slowing down. I just held her hand and whispered into her ear that I loved her, and not to worry about me, I would be fine. I told her that I would see her again one day and all the time in the world would never make me forget her. I told her that her family who had passed before her would be waiting, and now she should let go and go to sleep, and she did. The one thing I could never have lived with is not being there with her and having held her hand. I know she would have wanted that, but people do feel differently.
Writing this has made me shed tears too and my heart goes out to you and for anyone in this position. There is no wrong or right answer, just make the decision for you and your mother, but make sure you don’t have any regrets.
I’m not an overly religious person, but I do hope that someone up there is watching over you and your family and you feel peace soon.
Best wishes,
Markus
I lost my mum 13 years ago, I looked after her inher final week, and did not say the things i wanted to. when she was taken into hospital, the next day we were asked to go, i didn’t cos i had bottles to make up for my 6 month old, and i have regretted not going, so whatever you decide is only you can make that decision.
i still hurt even after all these years, and i am on the cancer roller coaster ride, and the 1 person i need is my mum, but i know she is watching over me. Your mum will understand your decision and she will watch over you to.
lots of love
mandy x