My mother is in the latter stages of a 19 year battle with BC and we are told she has only a few weeks to live - but it may not even be that long.
Both my sister and I are worried about how to tell our children (her 4 year old daughter, my 3 1/2 year old son) that their grandmother is dying; indeed when she does die how to tell them that she is gone.
Does anyone know of particular books, or approaches, which work well? My wife and I are Christian but my sister is an atheist (although my niece attends a Catholic pre-school!) but I think we both would rather leave God out of it at the moment.
Thanks.
Hi Alex
I have put for you below links to information that may help you. If you would like to talk to someone in confidence, then the helpline staff will be only too happy to talk to you about this. The helpline is open until 2pm today and then open again on Tuesday 9 - 5pm (not open Monday this week as Bank Holiday) Calls to the helpline are free, 0808 800 6000
Talking to children: breastcancercare.org.uk/server/show/nav.436
cancerbackup.org.uk/Resourcessupport/Relationshipscommunication/Talkingtochildren
macmillan.org.uk/Get_Support/GetSupport.aspx
Hope this helps, kind regards
Jo, Facilitator
Thank you Jo, much appreciated.
One of Dick Bruna’s Miffy books is called Dear Grandma Rabbit and is about the dying/death of a beloved grandma.It has a very simple story and illustrations and is perfect for under 5s.Look on Amazon or in any good bookshop.
Love to you and your family,
Valx
Dear Val,
Thanks for this. I read Dear Grandma Rabbit earlier today; I found it quite powerful (it had me in tears) but I wasn’t sure if it would leave unanswered questions - there will be no woodland burial and gravestone for my mother and he may ask why not (how do you explain cremation to a small child!?).
I’m not sure, I just found it a little strong and ‘in your face’ (typical Dutch - say it like it is!).
Thanks again,
Alex
Hello Alex, there’s a few threads (one is titled ‘children and death’) some of us with secondaries have contributed to in the End of life forum, part of the secondaries forums, you may find them useful…Best Wishes.
There is a really sensitive book about a badger (badger’s parting gifts?), which is good as badger stops having any pain. When my 2 year old’s grandmother died I said that she was with the angels, but that she would always feel her warmth in her heart. She remembers it 2 years on. Not for everyone I know, but I didn’t want her to get confused or anxious about anyone else not making it out of hospital.
How about 'Goodbye Mog’by Judith Kerr?It is about a cat but is very sensitively handled and little ones might like the idea of the loved person 'watching over’them until the worst of the grief has passed.
Re cremation I dont think you try to explain that to very small children.You can just scatter the ashes and not tell them but have your own little memorial plaque in one of grandmas favourite places where the children can put flowers,drawings etc.When my first husband died my daughter drew kisses on a pece of paper and tied it to a helium balloon which we released at the seaside.I told her we go to a special place when we die and cant come back but love could travel both ways and her daddy would get her kisses and blow some back.
That reminds me do you know a lovely book called,‘No Matter What’ by Debi Gilori[Gliori?]?The last line is,‘Love like starlight never dies,’
Thinking of you
Valxx
Thank you all so much. I’ve just gone on Amazon and bought No Matter What, Badger’s Parting Gifts and I Miss You: a First Look at Death. I think my son loves Mog so much it would upset him even more than my mother’s dying!
Thank you all so much for your support and kind words. We’re devastated by the speed at my mother’s decline - we thought she had at least a couple of months but it may only be a few days - which does mean she probably won’t see her grandsons again. I would rather they remembered her as the strong vibrant lady she once was.
Thank you again and best of wishes with the personal battles you must all be going through.
We had two deaths in our family within a few months(my Mum and My nephew) and my sisters grand children were told that their uncle and Grandma were now stars in the sky. I bought a star in their name and the children have a map of where to find uncle and grandma. When they want to give them a special mesage they talk to the sky and also have sent helium balloons with messages to them.
Nicky
I lost my mum just under 4 weeks ago to breast cancer. We knew like you that we had limited time so i sort advice from the local hospice. They gave me loads of books and advice. The best advice they gave me was to treat it as normal as possible. Be honest but talk in very simple terms. My 4 year old was there every day until the last. He drew pictures, talked to her (even though she did not respond) and played with the stickle bricks on the floor in her room. I had not planned to have him involved as much as he was but due to child care it seemed the best route. The nurses all felt it right that he was around. I only told him the day before that i no longer belived that she would not come home again and that she would die.
4 weeks on he has handled it all very well as far as i can tell. Lots and lots of questions. Just wants facts i.e where is her body? What is she lying on? Who moved her from the hosice to the funeral directors? We took drawn pictures and a model of a space rocket to the funeral directors and he asked them to be put in her coffin. In terms of creamation (i had a long think about this one and talked before with husband) i said that they heat her body up and it turns to dust.
He says regulary " Grandmas dead. I am sad" and I reply “me too”. My thought are with you because i know how tough this road will be but i believe both my boys 4 & 8 will not be scared by these events because i have been honest and kept them involved. One thing the hospice told me was to remind them that most people live a very long time and i point out old people all around us, i want them to realize that most people live to an old age and we have been very unlucky to loose someone so early. Good luck X
One nice thing I’ve heard people tell children is that when someone dies, there’s an exchange - they take part of your heart with them, but they leave part of their heart with you.
No Matter What has always been a favourite book of mine and my daughter, who is 10 (before BC) and we got a copy of it which had the little fox as a cuddly toy. In it the little fox does ask very directly if love will carry on when you’re “dead and gone” and the answer is very reassuring.
Thinking about cremation - I am part of a large family, my granny had 34 grandchildren and great-grandchildren when she died. She, her husband and her eldest daughetr have all been cremated and we found that the younger children weren’t very interested in what happened to the body, but the slightly older ones (6+) were anxious to know - we explained it as the body being like a snail’s shell, which you needed when you were alive but which you can’t feel when you’ve died.
Hi all,
Relating to Starflower.
I lost my mum 3 weeks ago, after a long battle. Last week we had her funeral and which my mum was cremated.
Having to explain to my 5 yr old daughter that Nanna had died was hard enough, but from the day my mum was diagnosed with cancer i had explained everything to Ellie. Just so she knew what to expect, in the respect of my mum having a mastecomy, her hair falling out, her being upset alot, and not forgetting the side affects of the chemo and other medication.
The only way i could explain was that Nanna is an angel and no longer needs her shell anymore.
My daughter replied…if nanna’s shell had gone with her, there is no way she can visit everyone so quickly, and it was best she is an angel so she can fly and get there faster.
I also Reasure Ellie, that now Nanna has gone, this doesnt mean they stopping loving you, because they always will.
Last night i had been crying as everything is still very raw, Ellie came into my room and told me to look out of my window at the stars, and the brightest one will be Nanna watching me.
I think this just confirmed what i had told her had sunk in…bless her.