Hi,
I’d like to post a new thread for people who are dealing with treatment and caring for young children. Though my treatment is over I find looking after my two boys (2&7) exhausting. It would be great to hear from others.
Thanks,
Annie xxxx
Hi Annie - I have four children, ranging from almost 17 down to 6 - and it IS tiring. However, on the plus side, because we have to be there to look after them, it is such a motivation to drag my backside out of bed in the morning!
I have found the younger two to be very accepting of what is going on with mum - the hair loss, the weight gain, the days where I feel like I’m glued to the sofa - because I warned them beforehand, I think they’ve found it much easier to cope with. I know they have difficult moments, like the school assembly where the head teacher talked about cancer and they prayed for everyone affected… my 7 yo cried, and her 6 yo sister told me she just zoned out and played with her shoe laces…
The older kids have found it harder - but even so, we’re getting there. I’m two thirds way through on chemo, so a long way from being the mum they are used to… but we’ll get there.
Don’t beat yourself up when you can’t get things done… just prioritise and do what must be done… the rest will be there waiting for another day. And do take up every offer of help - if people didn’t really mean to offer, then they won’t again…lol… but I’ve found that mums in the playground have bent over backwards to help out - and many people do like to feel that they can ‘do’ something… so look at it as though you’re helping them out too…
Sophie xxx
Hi Annie,
Good idea for a thread. I have 3, at 15, 13 and 6years. I am just finishing my last chemo, but still got mx and radio, herceptin to go- so a long way,
Tracey
And yes, exhausted !
Although my youngest are a bit older than yours (now 14 and 12) we had a family atom bomb when they were 6 and 8 (not cancer-related so won’t bore you with it but pretty devastating nonetheless). We’ve spoken about it since, and they have told me that they felt better when THEY were able to do things to help, and not just feel like a spare part.
So do involve your sprogs in the helping out, even if it’s simple things like getting them to set and clear the table, or bringing down the dirty washing basket. They may well appreciate the extra responsibility they have been given, as long as they’re also able to climb onto mummy’s lap for a cuddle when they need to be “just kids”.
Mine are a bit old for it, but I’ve heard very good reports of “Mummy’s Lump”, which you should be able to find on this site.
Trip, do you find you worry as much about the older ones as about the younger ones? My biggest worry when diagnosed wasn’t about how I would cope, but about how THEY would cope. They have shocked me at how well they are doing but I do feel there isn’t the same sort of support available for kids as we might like, particularly as their needs are so varied depending on age and personality. I am extremely impressed by my kids, but it remains to be seen how they cope when I start my chemo.
Best of luck Annie, and an excellent topic for a thread, thank you.
This is a difficult subject whatever age…mine are 29, 27, 24, 18 today and 8 so vast range of ages and all of them mine!
My 29year old daughter took it the worst as she had already had her sister dx with the blasted disease when 26 and then her mum being dx nearly pushed her into meltdown…she was very angry with everyone and me particularly as she thought i was to blame etc…a very difficult to cope with situation where she was terrified she would get it but guilty coz she hadn’t…
The youngest 3 are boys and the 24 year old took it hard and was v upset but has been really supportive, he is a sweet and gentle sort.
The middle boy who is 18 today has been a bit grumpy but on the whole very very good and very helpful looking after his little brother who adores him. His friends have all been really good too with comments on my hair or lack of and tonight when taking them in to town all excitedly shouted that they could see my hair had grown a bit…bless em! Its quite funny when a load of 17, 18 and 19 year old lads are giving advice on how I should grow my hair…they think a bob would suit…and asking about the chemo…!
My 8 year old has been up and down…sometimes a bit clingy, sometimes grumpy and sometimes responsible beyond his years…like helping me at work in the christmas holidays and saying to my employees that he was helping because ‘mum needed help because she has cancer’…he is lovely at times!!!..little horror at others…bless!
Its very confusing for everyone as they have had to see mum and sister going through it and ex who is father of eldest kids has been in total denial of the seriousness of the situation so not at all supportive of his kids albeit that they are adults.
We always have a houseful of teenagers…never know exactly how many people we are feeding, which is funny at times. We have never said don’t come over…just said don’t bring any bugs with you and they have all been great and I think lots of them have encountered cancer for the first time in their lives and found its not so scary as they thought it might be.
Ramble over…hope it helps someone
I think I DO worry about the older kids more than the little ones - small children are so accepting of what you tell them, if it’s made understandable for their level - and of course, they don’t go off and dig up more info online…
Both teens are very good at putting brave faces on around me, and we do still tend to laugh at all the inappropriate things, but when my OH told me the other day that my eldest daughter had confided in him that she thought I was looking very ill the other day, well, that broke my heart. Particularly as I’ve been convincing myself I’m holding it altogether when they’re around! I’ve had a good chat and moan with her since, and she’s helped me paint my nails dark purple… so hopefully we’re on an even keel again…
Oldest son dropped out of sixth form college, but think my bc may have been a good excuse for not having done any work…lol… so he’s now job hunting as if he’s hanging around the house he’s having to do all the jobs that I am too tired to do… but I figure that’s good character building stuff, don’t you?!
Sophie xx
(LiF - many happy returns to your son! 18! Oh, that gives me hope…lmao)
Mine are nearly 22 (lives away with her b/f) and 20 and he’s at home.
DD has coped with it from afar really but is always available to come to appts with me if needed. I think she is scared, but won’t talk to me about it, but I do know she talks to her dad and her b/f, so happy to leave her to deal with it the best way for her (this is normal for her).
DS has been wise beyond his years in so many ways, he taps into how I am feeling immediately, he is prepared to not work (he is paid by the hour, so loses money if not working), if I need transporting anywhere, does the chemo runs etc. He is in the process of going through selection for the RAF (a dream since he was 14) and even said he would delay that if I wanted him to (over my dead body - sorry for the phraseology) as it would mean he would be moving away.
OH and I on rocky ground and have been since before DX, so the kids have been brilliant but I do worry about them. Have been open and up front with them ever since found lump, and think that has helped, as nothing has been a shock at any time.
SJ xx
PS LiF - hope 18yr old has had a good birthday
Mine were 18 and 16 when I was diagnosed. My eldest daughter had just started at Uni (fortunately she was living at home as she says she would have packed it all in and come home otherwise). She was a doer. When I was unwell during treatment she was the one to make the calls to the doctor and hospital etc.
My youngest was right in the middle of GCSEs so really bad timing for her, however she didn’t want me to worry more so she says she worked harder than she would have done if I had been well, and as a result got fantastic grades.
I am now nearly 18 months down the line. I was talking to my youngest earlier today. She had mentioned to some new friends at her 6th form college that I had been unwell and they were surprised that she hadn’t told them before. She then asked me if it was ok for her to sometimes forget that I had had cancer! Of course, I told her, because sometimes I forget. She seemed really guilty but I told her it made me happy that she can get on with life as I feel bad that I messed up everyones lives for a while, even though it was not my fault.
I think all our kids are pretty amazing for coping with everything thrown at them, and coming out of it at the other end.
Hi Ladies
My two were older 20 and 21. I delayed getting the lump checked until my son had gone to Afghanistan. I thought if it was nothing he need never know. My daughter came with me to get the tests done as she was up on a visit from Uni. When I got the results I was in a dilemma whether to tell my son so I contacted the Chaplin. The RAF were really good arranging extra phone calls while I was in hospital.
I was worried he would think something had happened to one of his Grandmas when he was first asked to go to Chaplin so they passed on my message that both Grandmas were fine. I kept him in the loop through the e blueys. Beautiful flowers arrived from his squadron after the surgery.
The Chaplin said that Service Personnel generally hate coming home to find out things have happened and much prefer to know what is happening to friends and family so they can be supportive even if it is at a distance…
I can’t imagine the pressures of being so ill and still having to look after young children. However, my husband was a child minder when I was going through it and having little ones around did much to keep me entertained and their affection was a great comfort.
Regards
Chinook
Hiya,
My DS is 16 and DD is 13.
DS has had the attitude Mum’s gonna blast through this and, so far I’ve managed to live up to expectations, this maybe head in sand attitude from DS but I’m prepared for a melt down if it happens.
DS is the one who’s my main concern as She’s very reluctant to talk about anything to do with my treatment. I do feel very sorry for her as I had hysterectomy 7 years ago and that was for condition she may well inherit and now to have BC as well, just as she’s going thro puberty, so am trying to give DD as much support as possible. I’ve briefed BF’s mum and she’s happy to have DD on sleepovers and for BF to come over whenever possible.
I think the only thing we all can do is, as Sophie says, prioritise and do what must be done. The rest will still be there and some things I’ve discovered if left really don’t matter after all!
Helen xx
Hi Annie
Exhausted indeed!
It seems the majority of women here have significantly older children than we do, which of course comes with its own problems. But when you have a totally dependent two year old all day and all night, things are… well, knackering.
I have found it very hard to accept help and that’s not good. However, I have been able to accept help from my OH and I’ve found the best way to spend any time I get is SLEEPING! I am still sleeping for an hour or so when I get the chance in the afternoon (yesterday it was 3hrs, I was shattered!) and OH does the night shift. I do find that when I’m not shattered, eveyrthing is a lot easier and I find any tantrums roll off my back rather than work me up into a fury.
I’ll PM you as soon as I get the chance - a rare couple of hours to sit down with OH and watch a dvd ahead of me! If only there were more hours in the day and we needed less sleep.
xxx
You are absolutely right in that very small children are the most exhausting - even at six and seven (eight tomorrow) my younger two have a good degree of independance… I’m not constantly changing nappies/wiping bottoms/jiggling/swaying/feeding… and I have absolutely no idea how any woman could cope with that and breast cancer at the same time. In all honesty, I found looking after v.small children incredibly hard with NO other things to contend with - not the most maternal mum, me!
You have my absolute respect and admiration for just getting up in the morning… just treasure every smile, and acknowledge every moment of peace… and remember, that all things pass, and life will become easier again. And be sooooo proud of yourselves. I’m proud of you.
Sophie xxxx
Absolutely, Trip. Just the physical effort of caring for small people can be so exhausting. I can remember being in tears I was just so tired having little sprogs, having BC on top is beyond the pale.
Jane, I completely agree with your approach. Rest is essential, the housework will still be there when you wake up. I can remember when my kids were little someone offering to “take baby off your hands so you can catch up with the housework” when I would have been happier for THEM to do the housework while me and baby buggered off to bed for a nap!
Well done to your OH for getting stuck in with real, practical help so that you can rest a bit.
Hey All,
Thanks for some wonderful posts, its so nice just to hear an understanding voice. My kids have been such a dichotomy for me, being inspired by them on one hand and finding them such a drain on my already depleted energy on the other. I went to a support group for secondary cancer - which was fab by the way, but one of the sections on ‘coping with fatigue’ really hammered home the super human effort needed to deal with everything. The course’s suggestions were totally unrealistic, waking up gradually, getting a good nights sleep etc. With small children, you just have to beat to their drum and they don’t discriminate between the good days and the bad.
They have given me some utter times of joy though, that I would never have had during the last two years. When I explained to my eldest (aged 6 at the time), that I had cancer and that I was going to need some medicine to get rid of it and that the medicine would make me very sick and tired and make my hair fall out he thought is was the coolest thing to have a mother, bald like ‘Lex Luther’. When trying to explain about my breast reconstruction, has asked if my doctor was going to make me a ‘robot boob’. Pearls, such as these and the unconditional love make them just wonderful. I remember feeling so sick on FEC and having to change the most stinky nappy - could have really done without that!
I do think my kids have sailed through this, and my eldest especially is certainly a much more mature, empathetic and loving person because of it. Me, my husband and my kids have the whole rest of our lives to battle this and I think this strange kind of ‘norm’ is almost settling in our lives. Trying to replace fear with acceptance and focusing on the best things in life.
xxxxxx
Hi Annie and all!
I felt inspired to write something after reading your post, Annie - you put things in a very articulate and eloquent way! Although my son is a bit older than your kids (12), I know exactly what you mean about the different, contradictory feelings they inspire. He’s mildly autistic and can carry on a non-stop monologue about his latest interests, which can be a little wearing as it goes on night and day and I find myself snapping and losing patience. But,on the other hand, he can be very sensitive and is always enthusiastic and funny and my motivation through all the crap we have to go through with cancer.
Anyway, I wanted to say all the best with your life in the future!
Sarahx
Hi All,
My 4 year old son has been for the most part, ok, through all of this. A few wobbles may or may not have been down to mum having a poorly booby but more likely to be from starting school and all the upheaval that this brings.
One night he was most upset saying ’ I can’t find my vein.’ He was really anxious about this at bath time. I then realised he was worried because he didn’t seem to have a picc line like me and was worried that if he needed to go into hospital the nurses wouldn’t be able to find it. The PICC had been in for nearly 4 months by this point! I had forgotten about it sticking out of my arm and thought he had got used to it also.
He has been bothered by his nanny ( my mum) visiting to help more regularly because she is ‘slow and old.’
Sue