The results are in!!
The results are in!! Hello again!
I went to see my surgeon yesterday for a follow up and results of surgery and i can’t quite take in what we were told!
The cancer was 4.5cm round and was primary with a 19mm invasive part inside it, grade 2. This is soooo much better than they initially thought as they told me the whole thing was invasive! Luckily it wasn’t attached to the chest wall either and it was all completely removed in surgery. Also all my lymph glands (25) that were removed were all clear! I do not have to have radio and they are only going to give me chemo as a precaution to be on the safe side as that isn’t totally necessary either! I should have been jumping around the room when i was told but i had shut myself off emotionally and it still hasn’t quite sunk in! Needless to say my Mum and Husband were jumping for joy, my husband later confessed to having resigned himself to the fact that he was going to lose me, so his relief was massive!
I tho feel (and this is going to sound stupid) very angry, i told you it would sound stupid! I am angry at the fact that thats it, my wedding day will be remembered as ‘the bride had cancer’, my honeymoon was cancelled and we lost every penny, i only have one boob and i am now terrified of the dreaded ‘C’ returning elsewhere! All this has happened in the past 40 days of my life and i’m angry that thats that now, all done apart from a small amount of light chemo! I should be grateful, i should be happy, i should be relieved and i suppose i will be in time. I must sound very selfish and heartless, especially to all you very brave people going through intense treatment and i do feel for you all i really do, please don’t think of me as the way this sounds i suppose its just my brains way of dealing with this.
Thanks for your advice Michelle i will definately bear that in mind when going for chemo! Glad u r nearly all done it must be such a relief for you!
Thank you to all of you that have helped me through this so far, you really have made a difference.
God bless u all, be strong xxxxx
hi jamie, i can understand where you are coming from with the anger, and you have every right to feel the way you do at the moment.
why should you have to be relieved, you shouldn’t have got it in the first place.
my first year after op i was so scared of what might happen and yes it is now in the back of my mind, i had op nov 05 and am now back at work so feeling a little more normal i suppose.
you are not that far into this yet so please be kind to yourself, it will get better.
take care, sharon. x
its ok to be fed up… you are entitled to feel angry and p**d off! you have been thru so much in last 40 days and you have had cancer a terrifying thing to face.you are going thru a time of finally having time to reflect a bit on the what ifs-and that has got to nearly all of us at some point.Allow yourself to feel-the sadness at losing youe boob-the change in your body shape-the anxiety over-“light chemo”-its a big thing to cope with!Feel anger at having your dream wedding turned upside down…need l go on!!!
its okay to be like this-family see it from a different perspective and often want now to see only the good-your ok NOW but as you say we carry it for life and that takes time to get your head round.
take care of yourself thinking of you and sending a big cuddle-we know how you feel.love sharon x
Great News Jamielee! Heh Sweetie,
Dont feel stupid about feeling angry, you have gone through so much. Your life has been turned upside down and in a short space of time. Its totally understandable the way you are feeling just now.
Do you know when your chemo will start?
It is such a relief to be heading towards the end of treatment. Im looking forward to getting my life back to normal but at the same time, feeling a bit anxious about it too. Now how crazy is that statement!
Take Care of You
Michelle xxx
Hi Jamielee
After my lumpectomy and lymph node removal in January my breast care nurse called to tell me they had got clear margins and all my nodes were negative.
According to my dad my mum had to be ‘scraped off the ceiling’. My friend threw a party for me. Everyone was so happy at my ‘good news’. Apart from me, that is. All I could focus on was that the tumour turned out to be grade 3 when all along my breast surgeon had been saying he didn’t think it was an aggressive cancer.
My fiance asked me one day why I looked so miserable as, in his opinion, I should be “really happy.”
“Yes”, I said, “I’m really happy I got cancer and had to have 5 months of chemo that caused my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes to fall out. I’ve just had a chunk of my breast removed along with all my lymph nodes which has caused pain and swelling and now I’m scared I’m going to get lymphoedema. I still have six weeks of daily toasting on a radiotherapy table to go, I’m in hot flush central thanks to the Tamoxifen, and I’ve developed serious insomnia. Oh, yes, and I am terrified that my cancer will come back or spread and my daughter will grow up without her mummy. I’m so happy I can barely contain myself!!!”
We get it. Unfortunately most other people don’t. You have every right to be angry given what cancer has taken from you. And I understand the fear of treatment ending. I have that too. They say it is common - something about having the security blanket taken away.
I’ve heard it gets better with time.
Good luck with the chemo - it’s not pleasant but it is totally doable.
Love
Lola x
Hi Jamielee I can understand how you feel in a way! I think you build youself up for the worst case scenario and then when it’s good news it’s very hard to get your head round it…
I had my chemo first and then Mastectomy in January this year, I was told to expect rads. When I went for my path results 2 weeks post op they said my nodes were clear and I had no cancer left, no need for rads, just Arimidex for 5 years. When I left the room and told my mother (who was up visiting at the time) she was sort of bouncing off the walls, yet I felt really down, numb and empty inside again (a bit like that diagnosis time!).
Over the last few months this has progressed to the point where I am angry inside, angry that I got so ill having chemo first and they still coudln’t do the lumpectomy I had built my hopes upon having, angry that my body looks like it does and that my body has made me feel like this!!!
So I think in your situation you you have every right to feel cheated and angry, but what more could you have done about your wedding? If you had put it off, your health may have swung in any direction? If you had cancelled your wedding it would have been horrible if you had got really ill during chemo and then struggled through your wedding or your condition may have been worse than you originally thought? My father was nearing the end of his chemo when I got married in the May, he looked terrible in the photos and unfortunately died less than a month later when he was 51. Only last week a friend of ours who was 19 died of bone cancer, he got married in the hospice the day before he died.
You will get through this angry feeling, it is part of your grieving mechansim and is totally natural, but it takes time. You have done really well so far, try and enjoy your life now and also enjoy the new you. Chemo is do-able and soon you will be through this glitch in your life.
Take care.
Luv Lynn x
Zoladex??? Hello strangers!
I’m sorry i’ve not been around lately only my life is getting more hectic every day!
Had some good news (i think) but now reading a couple of posts i’m not too sure?
A week last Thursday i saw my onc who told me all about the chemo process i would go through, full on, once every 3 weeks for 18 weeks. I had already prepared myself for this and was expecting it but this was the part i had dreaded most of all. Even having my boob cut off didn’t frighten me as much as this did! The stupidest reason was my hair, not the sickness or any other side effects just my hair. My hair is very long (i can tuck it into the belt on my jeans) i was terrified of losing it to the point where i swore i would never leave the house again if i did. After the onc told me all about chemo and the risk of never having more kids i told him that kids were a ‘no no’ anyway as we already have 4 between us! (I have a 10yr old boy & hubby has 3 daughters in their 20’s). He then told me about Zoladex! I was gobsmacked that something this good had been kept so quiet! 1 injection once a month for 2 years with no side effects (except the menopause!) Now i know its pathetic but i didn’t want anymore kids and i want to keep my hair so it wasn’t up for discussion and i didn’t research it or ask questions, i had my first zoladex injection there and then. Have i done the right thing? Has anyone else been on Zoladex and had side effects only i am exhausted and feeling sick all the time or can these side effects come from 2 weeks of Tamoxifen?
I think i’m falling apart at the seams!
Sending you all big hugs and lots of love.
Jamie
xx
Hello Stranger! Hi Sweetie,
Was getting worried about you since I hadnt seen any posts from you in a while. Glad to see you back.
Unfortunately, I know nothing about Zoladex but wanted to say hello.
I found losing my hair the hardest thing but being on these sites makes you realise that this seems to be the hardest thing for everyone to cope with. Has nobody spoke to you about trying the Cold Cap? I tried it, although it didnt work for me, I know it has worked for others.
When I lost my hair, I wore a wig for about a week but found it very uncomfortable so I choose to wear headscarfs. I wore the likes of Chanel, Dior, Prada etc…Well, if you have to wear them, why not wear the fabulous ones. I bought mine all from ebay.
Im really so pleased to hear from you.
Take care of you.
Love, Michelle x
Hello Michelle Hi Michelle
thank you so much for taking the time reply, i hope you are well.
Whats been going on with you lately? Is everything going ok?
I am just off to the hospital to get my prostesis fitted! This flimsy cotton wool thing they gave me when i was discharged is rubbish! as soon as i move my arm my boob ends up underneath my chin! But i must say it doubles as a great travel pillow!! LOL xx
I have finally been shopping this morning for new clothes! I had 3 tops that i have been wearing for a month but managed to go and buy some less revealling tops this morning, and as i am now married i have gained a dress size too!!! oops!
Let me know how u r hun
luv ya
Jamie
xxx
I have posted this on behalf of user michellegiff.
Regards
On-Line Forum Host
Breast Cancer Care
Hello Jamielee,
Im fine Sweetie, in fact doing really well.
Glad to report that I had my last chemo on 2 May, glad to see the back of it. Start Radiotherapy in June. Currently, I have this month off from seeing medical people and receiving treatments, yippppeeee.
Last weekend, I was down in Corby, Northants visiting family and next weekend, I will be in Marbella for a long weekend, hopefully soaking up some sun, though I hear that its meant to be raining - lets hope not! Im having so much fun just now. Had a shopping spree yesterday, which always makes you feel good. Love shopping.
Are you still planning to upload your wedding photo into your profile? Ive tried to upload a photo of me, but for whatever reason, It cant seem to be able to do it. So if you manage to work it out, please let me know the secret…LOL. In the meantime, if you want to see a picture of me, go to 41,000 faces, I managed to upload a photo there, way back in the beginning of my journey.
Your sounding really good. Married life must be treating you well!
Love, Michelle x
For michellegiff Hi Michelle
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On-line Forum Host
Breast cancer care
be angry, it’s theraputic! I Jamielee
You have every right to be angry, you have had such a lot taken from you. Please don’t compare yourself with others worse off. Be kind to yourself, you have been through hell as we all have and now you have to re-adjust to normality, perhaps a bit sooner than you expected.
I hope you give yourself time to be angry, that way, you will be able to resolve your feelings and move on to the healing process.
Good luck
Irene