The Waiting is Soooooo Hard

Hello ladies, I found a lump on 1st November went and saw doctor the next day - my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer 10 years previously so I check myself pretty regularly - although he felt it was nothing to worry about said he would fast track me - after a severe cock up and ringing appointments direct I finally got an appointment to the breast clinic on 21 november, at this appointment I was told that the lump I had gone for was not a problem but the mamogram and ct scan had picked up another problem which the surgeon thought was cancer a core biopsy was performed and when I returned the following week this was confirmed as a 11mm grade 2 invasive ductual carinoma, receptor status awaiting results.

I had a wle with sentinal node biopsy and axillary node clearance on 13 December 07.

That is where I am now I have an appointment on Jan 11th but I feel that I am falling to pieces - I have been following the threads on here and found them really helphful, but not having slept for several days nothing seems to make sense anymore - I feel like stop the world I want to get off!

I have a brilliant partner, 2 step children 31, 22 plus 3 sons 17, 14 and 12 (children aware of probs both nannies had bc 1 died, 1 still with us 10 years on) and fab support from friends - so why do I feel so cr*p.

I really cant think straight anymore I just seem to shout - it is that time of the month just to make matters worse - I am normally such a happy go lucky person this is so out of character for me - my youngest son has behavioural problems so the easy going attitude is essential for some normality of life.

Sorry for the rant I have normally felt better just reading post on this site, but tonight is really hard.

Love & hugs to you all you truly are wonderful people.

Karen

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Dear Karen

Welcome to the forums.
I’m sorry to read of your recent diagnosis, you may find BCC’s resource pack helpful which has been designed for anyone newly diagnosed, if you would like a copy just follow the link below:

breastcancercare.org.uk//content.php?page_id=7514

Also, If you feel you need to talk to someone in confidence about how you are feeling then please give the helpline a call, the staff here are all either breast care nurses or people who have personal experience of breast care issues and can offer you further support during this difficult time. The number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.

I hope this is of some help to you.

Best wishes
Lucy

Hi Karen
Just seen this post and wanted to just say i was exactely the same as you in the way i could not sleep or function when first diagnosed. I had lost my aunt and mum to the disease and a friend who was young too. However i also knew friends who were still alive after 8 and 9 years with breast cancer. At that time i just thought i would not be one of those.
I just thought it was the end and i was going to die and it had spread everywhere. i remember the nights lying downstairs watching such rubbish on TV thinking i would never sleep again and never lead a ‘normal’ life.
I couldnt eat either. I cried and cried and kept sayin to hubby ’ i dont want to die young’

Its over 2 yrs ago now and although the fear has never left me of a re-occurance I lead a ‘normal’ life.
I did get sleeping tablets from the doc and found if i had not slept for 3 nights and was just exhausted taking one of them helped. I never took many infact just thrown the ones out that were left.

YOU WILL get back to your old self its very very early days for you but look on this site how well people are doing.
It is obviously very exhasusting looking after your son. Family life is tough and keeping things running smoothly is very difficult. I do however think that kept me going although at times i felt like screaming ‘OH my God i have cancer I am terrrified dont you realise’ Ofcourse everyone elses life is relatively normal.

You sound a very happy positve person but dont expect to be able to be like that at this time as that then puts extra pressure on you.
I am still learning how to cope especially with pains etc and i panic like mad as everyone on here can probably tell, but i sleep quite well and function like i did before and one of my friends said to me the other day what good company i am and such a good sense of humour. something i never thought would come back.

Your doing well just getting through all the treatment. Keep posting and believing it will improve some of us take longer than others for it to do so.

Hugs Ruthx

Hi Karen

Hugs to you, what a lot of waiting we all go thru. Why don’t you call your BC nurse for a chat, mine has been brilliant, she may be able to ease some of your concerns, I hope so.

Me, I was diagnosed 23 Oct 2007, went on me tod sure it was just a cyst, partner was away on biz. Was told I had to have a mastectomy as I had a number of areas of DCIS in one breast and that it was likely to be invasive. My man came home early on 28 October and the time in between diagnosis and him coming home I slept very little at all, wanted to just drink myself drunk, did not do that tho as I don’t like being drunk, had myself convinced that they had got me mixed up with someone else and in the same night was planning to go arrange my funeral and pay for it in case of the worst so that my kids and family would have less worry when it came to it as I was sure it would in the next few months.

Fast forward to 5 November when I was told to cancel holiday booked for 26 November and had Sentinel node op on 21 Nov, and was booked in for mastectomy and recon on 1 December, on that morning they told me that the lymphs had come back clear, such a relief. I got results from the mastectomy on 22 December simply told that they got clear margins, 2 areas of micro invasion, not hormone receptive and so no further treatment just a check up in 3 months. Seeing my BC Nurse tomorrow as I have so many questions that are unanswered, my Nana had BC bilateral, I have 2 daughters and a son and also my sisters and nieces who I am worried for in case it turns out to be a genetic thing. I am concerned at not having any other treatment, glad that they don’t think I need radio or chemo or drugs but a lot of the time I worry that it will come back in the other breast as the more I read up the more I see that it can come back.

I betcha in a year from now I will wonder what I was so worried about and that I will be absolutely fine, but thats the thing isnt it, no matter how positive we are there is a little nagger there in the back of my mind that says what if!!! I am not negative all the time tho, I have packed in my stressful job and when I am feeling up to it I will do a job that I enjoy and I want to get involved in charity work too. Go call your BC nurse or the helpline which I have also used as I am sure it will help you - sending healing smiles and hugs your way, best of luck on the 11th and take care.
luvnhugsCarolexxx

Thank you both so much for the advice, I havent spoken to my bc nurse today rang my best friend this morning and had a lovely day out trying not to think about tommorow too much. I feel I am too tired to think anything through properly anyway.

Well just one more night to get through my appointment is 9.00am in the morning so at least, once the kids have gone I can just go to the hospital.

Is there anything I should be asking apart from the obvious?

Once again thanks for your comments will update tommorow hopefully with good news

Love & Hugs

Karen
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Well dont know where to begin, from thinking that maybe I would be bck at work next week, todays result where good news nymphnodes clear, bad news cancer upgraded to 3 from 2 and offered a shaving but declined and decided to go for mysecotmy (got chemo brain already) with chemo and rads - still cant believe this is happening to me (spent today being strong for friends who have cried at results) Prob need a good cry but too tired at the mo - my middle son wanted to know if he could sell boob on ebay - that boy will go far. Will bounce back 2 morrow Im sure but for now night all and love and hugs to all

KarenXXX

Arh Karen
I have been looking out for you to see how you got on at appt. So sorry to hear the news was not what you expected. Believe me without going into all my boring details know how you feel. I was taken a back having to have chemo as initially i didnt think i would have to have it.
Have they given you a date for the mastectomy? I had one after a lumpectomy.
Why do you have to be strong for friends who have cried about your results a bit of role reversal needed i think.

Keep posting thinking of you.

Ruthx

Hi Ruth

Thank you for your comments, feeling abit better have managed to sleep a bit better now I know where I am heading, I have an appt 21 Jan to confirm decision of masectomy or not and I am booked in for surgery on 31 Jan. I cant face the thought of having to keep going back for shavings so think I will opt for masectomy - I will then be able to move on to next stage. - I think!!!

Hope all is well with you

Love and hugs

Karen

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hi karen,
know how you feel i was upgraded after surgery from 2 to 3 with clear nodes…i was devestated at upgrade though, had chemo, rad’s now on tamoxifen.
Sod being strong for friends…if their good friends they won’t expect you to be…i like your son’s sense of humour…will look out for ''BOOB FOR SALE ‘’ on e-bay lol!!..not a laughing matter i know…but along this rollercoaster journey you will be surprised there will be times when you will laugh…as well as crying and being angry etc.,

karen x

Hi Karen

I think the being strong for friends bit was more for my benefit than theirs, my friends have been wonderful really. One of them last tuesday made a special point of asking me how I was doing and to keep strong (she was dx lukemia spelling!!! about 2 years ago and very poorly but seems great hair grown back returned to work,) found out yesterday that her cancer has returned and she spent today in hospital having a line fitted to begin her chemo tommorow. Last night she rang a friend to make sure I knew what was happening so that I didnt hear it on the grapevine and to pass on a website address for scarfs and bandanas. What a special lady

The sense of humour is essential I dont think I could cope if I didnt have one, also living in a male dominated house of partner and 3 sons you have to laugh.

You said you were devastated to be upgraded I was absolutely gobsmacked of all the things I thought were coming that wasnt one of them

How has your treatment gone and how are you coping with the tamoxifen have you had any side effects.

Sorry to go but it is good to speak to someone with a similar dx

Hugs

Karen

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