They chop my breast off tomorrow Tuesday 6 Nov

I’ve known about this since 4 Oct.
Everyone is now telling me do I want to die in agony like my Mum. (And my aunt.) Of course I don’t!!!
I have packed my case for tomorrow, bought post mastectomy bras, washed myself in antibacterial stuff. I’ve taken tranquillisers. I STILL can’t face it.
There is no way out. It’s like being in a giant metal trap or backed up against a wall.
I’ve begged and pleaded, nothing works. The medical staff said there is no alternative. #There is a 30 - 40% chance they said that cancer is in the breast. But that means a 60 - 70% chance there isn’t. It’s all right foe THEM if there is no cancer.
I’ve been told by family and boyfriend that they will refuse if it I make so much fuss.
There is no life without a breast.
I HOPE I DIE UNDER THE ANAESTHETHIC. It would be the answer to everything.
BUT I also don’t want to die of secondary cancer. I saw my Mum in pain in a hospice.
And then this is only the start - chemo comes next.

Dear I want to live,

I’m sorry to hear that you are so stressed about what his happening to you just now, and am sure your fellow forum users will be here throughout the night for some support for you. Unfortunately our helpline is closed until 9am tomorrow but please do phone the Samaritans if you feel you need to talk to someone, they are also here to support you through all this, the phone number for them is 08457 90 90 90, call them tonight please and get that support.

Here’s also the link to their web page:

Do take care and good luck tomorrow, I’m sure you’ll be well cared for.

Kind regards,

Jo, Facilitator

I WANT TO LIVE … please please please go through with the treatment. I dot think you need tranquilizers so much as antidepressants,
I have 3 good friends, that like you , needed mastectomies, and they would tell you it IS worth it.
Sending massive **** HUGS*****

Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear

I thought I was bad before my mastectomy! But then I didn’t watch my mother die of secondaries like you did. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way.

Are they offering you a reconstruction or do you prefer to have no breast? I had a reconstruction because I have a fairly large cup size and I felt it would show a lot without it. I have had moments of feeling mutilated but I have to tell myself that it is the cancer that was harmful and I am better off without my cancerous breast.
It is a matter of deciding that you would rather have no breast than a cancerous one.

I hope you do go to the hospital tomorrow.

Best wishes


Liz x

I have a family history of bc but not a gene carrier nor seen any close family die from secondaries BUT I was diagnosed with bone mets at the same time as primary bc in July 2007. I had chemo first to shrink the tumours then a mx without reconstruction before rads. Whilst I was fine about the surgery, having the single mx meant I felt lopsided so I asked for a second mx to balance me up. This was done in March this year and I don’t have a single, tiny regret about it - one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. They biopsied the breast tissue from the 2nd mx and it was clear of cancer, which was reassuring. Personaly, I would rather still be here with no boobs than being 6 feet under with matching boobs. Most people have no idea at all that I have no ‘real’ breasts and wear prosthesis.

Having said all this, it is your decision in the end and you must live with the consequences of any decision. Please do ring the helpline here in the morning or Samaritans earlier.

Wishing you all the best. Hope you can be as settled with your final decision as I have been with mine.

dear Iwantolive - I know exactly how you feel - I had the same panic before my Mastectomy and I almost jumped off the trolly as they were wheeling me to the theatre to make a run for it - I had visions of being mutilated and words like breast being chopped off were at the forefront of my mind too. If they have advised you need to have a mastectomy then you need one - they need to make sure the cancer tumour is completly out of you and that is the only way to make sure. To be honest the mastectomy was not that bad - I have had a number of medical procedures and the op itself is only an hour or so and I didn’t even have to stay in overnight they sent me home and I felt well. It is the emotional side of it that is worse and sometimes what you imagine in your mind is worse than reality. Afterwards I just felt relief that it was over with and the tumour had gone. They will give you a soft prothesis to wear immediately afterwards so you won’t look lopsided or anything and once you are healed you will get a proper prothesis which are good and do their job well. I had a delayed reconstruction which was done last November so I know have two lovely breasts again and no cancer - so it was worth it and I am so glad that I did not jump off that trolly. It was a horrible time but once you have had your Mastectomy you can start looking forward - you may need more treatment it depends on the path results but you really need to have this op first. lots of hugs and thinking of you. xxxxx

It’s a frightening time right now and I really feel for you. It seems it’s the end of the world when you are at this point. BUT…things definitely do get better. I had MX going on 3 yrs ago and I got through all he treatment step by step. It’s nowhere near as bad as you imagine. I have no regrets and I’m grateful for all the treatment. You have us all to turn to who understand on here and I would hate to think you fell ill because you didn’t have treatment. If you can manage to trust and put yourself in the hands of the experts, you will come through it all eventually. Take that step tomorrow and go to the hospital. Everyone is there to help you. I hope we all can help you on here too, 'cos we do know how mixed up and frightened you feel.
Big hug, Ami xx

Dear I Want To Live, I hope you have been able to read the replies you have already had, as they offer so much wisdom and support for you.

You sound as if you are at your wits end, so please do call someone and talk to them. I would really encourage you to go through with the surgery - and you have already prepared yourself physically to do so. No one wants to lose a breast, but as others have said, there is life to be lived to the full after all this.

My suspicion is that everyone who has read your post, and indeed everyone on this site, has felt the abject terror you do now, even if it expressed itself differently. You called yourself “I Want To Live” for a good reason - because, deep down you do want to live, to get past this and on into the future. The path ahead may be uphill and rocky, but of you take it a step at a time, asking for help when needed, you’ll get there. The sun will shine again.

Keep posting, and if you really feel depserate do give the Samaritans a ring, they will be able to help you.

All good wishes.

Dear “I WANT TO LIVE”, This may be an odd thing to say from someone who has had a mastectomy but perhaps you are just not ready to have this operation. I do not know your personal situation but from your post it sounds as if you are being pressured to have this operation and you do not want to. Perhaps you just need more time to think and not rush into it.
I has my op when I was in my late 30s and I remember feeling very scared and did not want the operation either. But this operation saved my life and that was way back in 1989. Have you been offered reconstruction at the same time as the op? I had this done and I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the results and it still looks just as good today. I had chemo before the operation as the tumour was described as large and they wanted to reduce the size of the tumour before they operated.
Have you had time to talk properly with someone (not necessarily close friends or family) but perhaps the Breast Care Nurse could help or point you in the right direction. If you are on here tonight please post back and I will keep my laptop on in case you reply. You sound petrified. If it is just a wobbily as I call it okay. we will be here to hold your hand when you need us. If you do go ahead we wil be there for you too. Val

Dear I Want to Live
Oh sweetheart, I can’t add any more to what has already been said, just to say I’m sending you all my best wishes and will be thinking of you tomorrow. Things will get better. xx

Hi, I want to live,

I am sorry you are in such distress about your op tomorrow. The day I was diagnosed, and told I needed a mastectomy 10 days later, I popped in to the local Maggie’s where a lovely nurse counsellor told me I had “a piece of diseased tissue which needed to be removed” which put it in perspective for me. And there is a life after mastectomy.

It seems your boyfriend wants you to have the op and I can only deduce from this that he would rather have you with one breast missing than not have you at all. Think about that.

I will be thinking about you tomorrow and wish you all the luck in the world.

Take care and hugs and peace to you, Liz, x

Dear I Want to Live
I can only say that life is worth living with only one breast. I have done so for the last two years and although the prospect of having surgery was daunting I am so glad I had it off. My mother died of cancer just a few months before my diagnosis so I was totally convinced I was going to die too. Silly but just one of the thoughts I had.
I spoke to my surgeon and decided that a mastectomy was the only way to make sure that the cancer was gone and although on Tamoxifen for the next three years it has been so worth all the chemotherapy, surgery and radiotherapy.
It is your decision at the end of the day as it is your body and your life but I do hope you find the courage to go through with it and go on to live a long and healthy life after surgery.
Huge hugs and will be thinking of you tomorrow.
Elaine xx

Dear I want to live,

You have done the prep, and you can do this. They are removing a cancerous tumour from your body and they are doing so in order to help you in your desire to live. I am so sorry you feel like you do right now and my thoughts are very much with you. Things are going to be better for you, and you will feel better than you do right now.
Sending loads of hugs. Please do ring the Samaritans if you want to talk about how you are feeling. xx

I echo everyone’s words and am so so sorry you are having a horrendous time, but just wanted to say I had a mastectomy 4 days ago, I was out the same evening well am healing well and when i woke up i looked at myself as soon as i could focus, i was so surprised how good i looked. This is something you can get through, your strength of character shows through your desperate words, it is hard for you but I want to send hope and positive vibes. Good luck.

A huge hug your way!
I found out I’d have to haves, chemo, rads tamoxifen and delayed recon after my nodes came back positive last week - gutted x a million!

No doubt your op is underway. I really hope it goes well.

Chop day for me is next week- thurs or Friday. I am petrified, but even more afraid of the alternative. It’s cruel- very cruel and I ask myself if there could be a kinder way, but this effectively is a life saving operation, it’s going to be tough, but you have all our support and you are not alone in this! You can do it!!

Let us know how you got on

Lots of love and support

N xx

Hello there,
Well I hope by the time you read this that your operation is all over and you are recovering well. I am sending you lots of healing thoughts and positive vibes for a very speedy recovery. Try and listen to relaxing music when you get home and take things very steady, maybe you could catch up on some day time TV to keep your mind occupied. All will be well you just have to refocus and readjust and think how you are going to get on with the task of living !! What are you going to plan ?
When I felt at my lowest I put all my thoughts onto paper and I also wrote some poetry. This really helped me but you will find what is best for you. Fresh air also helped me every day. Take good care and we are all thinking of you . Love Tracy xxx

Dear Neadi
Good luck with your treatment. I have undergone the same treatment as you and would suggest that if you have hot flushes on your Tamoxifen to ask your Oncologist to give you something to help. Mine gave me an antidepresant and it has helped a lot with the whole hot situation (or as another lady calls them her Tropical Moments). Also go onto Amazon as they do a great range in Chillow Pillows and scarves which help at night with hot flushes.
I hope your treatment goes well and wish you lots of love and hugs.
Elaine xx

Hi I want to live,
I hope your surgery went well and that some of these messages have helped you. I had an MX in March 2011 and beforehand felt very much like you do. After the surgery I felt as if a huge cloud had been lifted and I was able to concentrate on the rest of the treatment. I was not offered an immediate reconstruction and at the time I felt very unhappy about that. I had a reconstruction 5 weeks ago and am delighted both the results and the fact that I waited for a while. I tried living breast free but it did not suit me, the interim period helped me decide what option was best, made sure that I was strong enough for the surgery and confirmed for me that reconstruction was the right way forward. I really hope your treatment all goes well and that you have a chance to plan your next steps, you don’t need to live breast free unless that is your choice. I attended a BCC session on reconstruction that helped me a lot, the surgeon was so posistive that good results could be achieved for all with good planning and peseverance.
best of luck

Thank you all for the positivity and good wishes. I wish I had strength of character to get through this like you have done/are doing. I know I am not unique. This happens to thousands of women. What about 48,000 a year. How can it be that many still?

Anyway, I did have AN operation yesterday but there was a stay of execution on the mastectomy. It is a long story which I will go into the details another time, as I think it is only fair to tell people who are trying to help. Right now I am resting at home. Thank you again.

Hi i hope you are feeling ok i went through the same feelings and now six months on i have just finished my treatment apart from the hormone part. what you are feeling is no different from how i felt and if i can get through the treatment then anybody can if you ever want to talk i am here please dont be frightened there is a light at the end of that very long tunnel xxx