Thoughts for today

Having a bit of a wobble, sitting here alone doesnt help…
I only have 2 relatives, my mum age 75 whos not in the best of health and my daughter age 20 who is poised to go back to uni for her 3rd year and is so full of her future. And me - waiting for first mammo after dx last August.
I wish I could take a snapshot of today - Mum ok, daughter not quite left, me in blissful(!) ignorance and keep things as they are forever. Apart from BC I would be sad anyway, I know, at how things that I thought would last forever are changing. I just keep thinking of the next few years - Mum not here, daughter gone away, and me…
I do try to be positive and work helps but I cannot always be at work. Sometimes I stay up too late, playing music and drinking far, far too much.
I tell myself, you will be fine - I do know lots of women who are long term survivors of this, and yet…and yet even if I get through this mammo this time next year I will be a wreck again. Sometimes I think, if the worst is to happen lets get it over with. Then I think again of all the women I know who are leading ok lives after dx and I wonder why I am such a wimp. Why cant I be more optimistic?
I need to get a life, as they say, but at the moment I am loth to even buy a bag for life in case its a waste of money!
I suppose what is getting to me tonight is that it is a year today since dx and I can remember (as we all can) that day of horror. Do you wonder how you got through that day? I rembember going into the bedroom, seeing some shell jewellry that I had bought on holiday the week before and wondering - what sort of person bought that?
I am so sorry to post this, its quite late and I know that there are a lot of people in this world tonight who have awful things to deal with, much worse than me. I am a coward,self-absorbed and the worst thing is that I know this yet cannot get myself out of it.
Good night and God Bless you all, my virtual friends ( now I know I really am cracking up!)
Love Laine

Oh Laine, when does it ever feel any better?, i really hope your mammo is a good one, we are all with you, lots of love

Alison xxxx

And i’m sure we are all guilty of drinking too much, i know i do, but its a case of whatever makes me feel ok

oh Laine
have a hug. You’ll get through this mammo, and the one next year and the next and the nexr - before you know it you’ll be getting cross because they won’t see you every year - however will you get through two years not seeing them?
I know it’s hard on your own, I’ve had four years of it now plus a stroke, but you adapt and you get to enjoy your own company. Before you know what’s happening your daughter will be giving you grandchildren and you’ll be way too busy for mammograms!
hugs
Ruth

To Ruth and Alison
Thanks girls - i’m not usually this down! Think its cos its the anniversary, daughter only home for another couple of weeks - who am I kidding, its cos I am so scared of mammo!! Doh!
Love Laine

Just know that we are here for you Laine, i know now what fear is, i never did before, and i’m not scared to admit it now. just keep us in mind we’ll be thinking about you xxxxxxx

Alison xxxxx

Hello Laine

Sorry that you are feeling down tonight.
We all feel like that at times,but you can get through this.
I remember only too well how I felt when I was told I had bc.It was only in August this year,I have had a WLE and will be going back for first check up soon.

Please don’t feel that you are a wimp,we all get the wind up when we are waiting for results,that’s why this site is such a godsend,there is always someone ready share your worries,we have all been there.

I find family members are reluctant to talk about bc,they are too frightened to face it.
When you need to talk this is the place.

Just take one day at a time.

Love
Annalyn

To Annalyn
Yes your last statemet struck a chord. On Friday night my daughter asked why I was looking so mis, so I said I had appt for mammo and was worried. Well, she really shouted at me, said did I realise how my negative attitude was affecting everyone, how when she did Race for Life there were people with far worse prog than me who were laughing and joking etc - I ended up apologising! Best not to talk to her, I do understand tho cos everytime my mum moans about something healthwise I brush it away cos I don’t want her to be ill - she’s my mum and I need her there!
Love Laine

Oh Laine, i really do feel for you, its as if we can’t wallow in our own grief, and it is grief, we have lost a part of our lives, and sometimes it takes a long time to smile and really mean it, i am no where near that day, its like i have two faces, one for me and one for everyone else, my life will never be the same, i will never be the same, but unfortunately peoples expectations of us do not really change, i think its only those who have suffered like this that really understand how we feel, and the hardest thing is, you don’t want anyone you know to feel like this.

lots of love

Alison xxxxxx

To be honest I seem to be wearing a smile on my face all the time - much more so than before when people expexted me to be my usual 'orrible sef!! To be honest, you have to laugh, its so surreal!
L

the problem with cancer is it is hidden - if we had a broken leg, neatly packaged in plaster, then people could see the problem. Then, to make it worse, we don’t act “ill” - if we had chicken pox they’d see the spots! It seems to me to be one of those rare “you have to have it to understand” conditions - so we only really have ourselves.
But we do have each other - right here. What a blessing
we can be afraid
we can shout
we can moan
we can drop the smile
we can be ourselves
:smiley:

PS - we can also laugh, and get in trouble!

Laine

Just want to reiterate what everyone else is saying - you are not sad or a wimp or anything like that. You are a woman who is scared (rightly so) and whos life has changed since cancer was diagnosed. None of our lives will ever be the same - and yes we do ‘paint’ on a face. I spose my dx was little over a month ago and I spose in a lot of ways it is still very surreal to me and a bit unbelievable.

Just know that there are lots of us out here who feel the same and know exactly what your going through.

Sending cyber hugs
Fiona
xx

Hi Laine

As you probably know I am 3 years down the line, just had the all clear from my third mammo and feel so relieved. Yes, you will be scared at each mammo, its only natural, but it does get easier the further down the line you get. Its still very fresh in your mind and that first year whizzes past so fast you haven’t had time to truly come to terms with whats happened. I always end up convincing myself that its back and start planning my treatment once again, sounds really daft I know, but when I get that all clear its the most wonderful feeling in the world. I just find for me personally that if I think the worst and prepare for it, it won’t be such a shock, and then when the good news comes, which invariably it does, its great.

I totally agree with Alison’s comment about having two faces. In front of everyone else its like cancer doesn’t exist, but when I am by myself and especially on here, I can truly be me. Come on here and be you, voice your fears and your doubts, share with your invisible friends the bad times and celebrate with us all the good times, the longer time goes on the more likelihood that there will be only good times.

Its not wrong to be afraid and as my son often says “go with your feelings, don’t fight against them”.

When is your mammo? Hope today is a better day for you too.

Love Jan

Laine,

I just want to reiterate everything that everybody else has said - and theyve said it so well too!

Most of us are up and down and I hope that 5 days later this finds you at least a little “upper” than you were. Know what you mean about the drinking but have been cutting down as it really is a depressant. One thing I would say is that lots of things are changing in your life, not just breast cancer related, as you say, mother getting older, daughter leaving home, there are women without breast cancer who feel just as low and lost as you do, and they dont have breast cancer to contend with too. The great thing about these forums is that unlike the most well meaning and loving family and friends, they really understand what you’re going through because they’re going through it themselves. Perhaps, like you say, your daughter is using her anger to hide her own fear and sadness, my OH often gets a bit sharp with me if I get morbid, he is trying to be helpful I know but he is also trying to convince himself that I am going to be okay, and to be honest if he broke down with me I think I would feel even worse.

Take care everyone,

Pauline x

Hi Pauline, thank you for your good wishes. yes, I do feel better today but I think its this oedema thats getting me down. After dx I had that awful haematoma for six months, now this problem and I dont feel as tho I have had any sort of “break” before my ist mammo is due next week.
I had 4 infections whilst I had the haema - par for the course I was told, considering someone was dabbling in it on a daily basis - but the other day I had all the clues pointing to another infection. How can you get an infection with no open wound?
Now I keep getting a burning feeling in it…I have spoken to bc nurses and they smile at me indulgently and dismiss it as rads damage (I was very badly burnt and have huge boobs) and tell me that it will settle in about a year but I want to see an improvement now…
God, cannot believe I have moaned again!!
Bet you wish you hadnt reopened this - sorry!
Love to all, Laine